I get good grades. I go to church…I’m not like all of you. (Illi McMillin x Fem reader religious guilt)
Summary: Illi’s has struggles with her faith. She believes that she’s been sinning way too much because she’s in love with you. Will things work out in the end?
Author’s notes: This fic was requested by a lovely anon! This is my time to SHINE! As mentioned before I have an oc who has religious guilt as well but she’s an oc for the Ghost Band Fandom hehehehe. Anyways lovelies I hope that you enjoy this! Mwah!😚🩷
Warnings: Slight transphobia, religious guilt, slight homophobia, slightly suggestive, arranged marriages, and angst. But don’t worry. I’m being nice today and it WILL have a happy ending!🩷
When Illi came out as trans to her pastor during confessions he told her “I will try my best to get your preferred name right and what you identify as…As long as you won’t end up with a woman.” And she told him he didn’t have to worry. Until she met you.
You were new to school and immediately caught Illi’s eyes. You soon became close friends with her due to being paired together for group work. Illi was happy she had a female friend. As the two of you got closer together Illi developed feelings for you. It was quite obvious you felt the same way too.
One night while Illi was reading her little bible she heard a tap on her window. She was confused and looked over to see you. She rushed over and opened it. “What are you doing here?” “I was in the neighborhood and wanted to see you, gorgeous.” You giggle. “Oh…Well come in just don’t make so much noise.” You carefully climb in and sit on her bed. “What are you doing?” You ask while looking at her bible. “Reading.” “Blegh. I don’t believe in God.” “What? How can you not?” “Illi. If God is so wonderful and all loving why does he put all of us through terrible things?” “…Well…” Illi was at a loss for words. She was going to reply that it was a test of faith but she learned that would get her in an argument.
“Let’s do something fun.” You say. “No I want to read.” “Fine. Read to me then.” Illi lays on her bed and you cuddle next to her, resting your head on her shoulder. She could smell your vanilla shampoo. It was intoxicating. She stumbled with her words a few times trying to pay attention. Your hand then rested on her thigh. It was getting harder and harder to keep her composure. As she continued to push through reading your eyes were glued to her’s.
“You’re not even paying attention.” Illi finally said. “It’s hard to. I have a gorgeous girl reading to me in her sexy voice…And the pajamas she’s wearing? God…Oh sorry. I said his name in vain, didn’t I?” You joked. “That’s not funny.” She said. “I’m sorry…But all I said before I was honest. Now. Is the goddess in front of me going to continue?”
You bat your eyes at her and damn did that do more things to her. Next thing Illi knew was she set her bible down and kissed your lips hard. You were shocked at first but soon followed her lead. You didn’t make much noise because you had to be mindful of her parents that were a few doors away. You broke the kiss and took off Illi’s spaghetti strap shirt which now left her in a pink and white laced bra. “You’re so amazing…” You said to Illi. You pressed your lips on Illi’s again while your hands groped her chest.
Illi was full of bliss…But soon she opened her eyes to look at you. Instead of focusing on you they focused on a cross hanging near her bed. She quickly pushed you off. “Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” You asked a little worried. “Get out.” “What?” “I said get out!” “Okay okay…I’ll see you at school.” You say while heading towards the window. You look back and see Illi putting her shirt back on.
The next day at school Illi was at her locker grabbing some books. When she closed it there you were. “Hey sugar tits.” You tease. “Shut up.” Illi said flustered. “Aww I’m just playing, Ills…When I got home I couldn’t stop thinking of you…” You say while getting closer to her. “I wish I could have you all to myself.” You whisper. “Yeah…?” Illi asks without thinking. “Yeah…Illi you’re just so gorgeous…I have an idea. After school we get ice cream. That sound good? My treat.” “…Okay.” “Great. I’ll see you then. By Ills…” You blow her a kiss and head out.
After school you and Illi walk to the local ice cream shop side by side. When you get your ice cream you both sit down in one of the booths facing each other. You take a bite out of your ice cream and say, “So…Why’d you push me off yesterday? Did I make you uncomfortable? You know if you told me stop I would. I’m not like men.” “I know you’re not.” Illi replied. “Just…I was enjoying myself. I enjoyed myself too much. You’re testing my faith.” “Why does it matter, Illi? I like you and it’s clear you like me. So what if we’re both girls.” “The lord cares. My parents care. My pastor cares. I need to stop being selfish and put the lord first.” “Oh my God Illi! Do you hear yourself? You don’t even know if he exists!” “He does! He-“ “If he’s all loving then why can you not be gay? Hm? Being with me, the girl you love, makes you happy right? He should be happy for you then.”
“God made men and women to-“ “Illi I hate to break it to you but you don’t exactly got the women’s parts.” You cut her off…And then she has a hurt look on her face. “Oh my God Illi. Don’t make that face. You were about to say something dumb.” “You said it first.” She said while getting up and leaving. “Illi!” You call out but you just stare at her ice cream that she left.
During dinner, Illi barely ate and shoved her food around. “@!$&? Are you okay?” Illi’s mother asked. “Illi.” Her younger brother, Mikey, corrected. “Oh yeah…Illi…” Her mother repeated. “I’m fine.” Illi said. “Clearly you’re not, son.” Her father spoke which got her to huff. “She’s not a boy.” Mikey said. Mr. McMillin scoffed and asked Illi, “What’s bothering you?” Illi was quiet till she finally said, “I met someone…And I like this someone a lot.” “Oh…What’s his name dear?” Mrs. McMillin asked. “…Her name is-“ “Her?” Mr. McMillin cut off. “Yes. Her.” “Uh uh. You can’t have both. Remember what our pastor said? You could be welcomed if you didn’t get with a woman.” “I don’t see why you care so much. You still see me as a boy I figured you’d be over the moon that I met someone.” Illi said sarcastically. “It’s either her or our respect. Choose.” Mr. McMillin said giving Illi an ultimatum. “I don’t want to choose. Why can’t I have both? And besides you don’t respect me anyway. It’s been a year and you still misgender and deadname me.” Illi said. “Mikey is the only one in this damn family that actually respects me.” “I’m not going to ask again. Choose.”
“I don’t know okay?! I…I like her so much but I care about my faith…” Illi whispered. “Why can’t I just be myself…? Isn’t God all loving? Wouldn’t he love me?” Mr McMillin huffed and said, “He is all loving…But even God has his limits. He’d be disappointed in you. For everything. You being trans and in love with a woman.”
That’s when the tears fell and Illi walked out of the house. She could hear Mikey defending her and she was thankful for that. However, she just wanted to get away for a bit.
You were in your room drawing in a sketchbook when your mother walks in, “Honey, some boy wants to see you.” “Boy?” Illi then walked in. “Mom she’s not a boy!” You corrected her while going up to Illi and hugging her. Your mom smiled nervously then left you two alone. “Hi Illi…” “Hi.” “What are you doing here?” You ask while fiddling with Illi’s shirt. “…Wanted to see you.” “Before we start anything I wanted to apologize for my words at the ice cream shop. That was very rude of me and I assure you it will never happen again.” Illi nodded. “I accept your apology.”
You smile and kiss Illi. Only quickly though. “Wanna watch a movie? I have one I want you to see.” You say while going through your VHS collection. The movie you picked was ‘But I’m A Cheerleader!’ As the two of you watched it Illi could relate to Megan a bit with her whole situation going on. When the movie ended with Graham and Megan kissing Illi looked over at you and kissed your lips. You moaned slightly as her lips trailed down to your neck and started to suck on it. “Illi…” You giggled as you pulled on her hair a bit.
Illi then looked up at you. “I love you.” You were surprised but you quickly said, “I love you too.” The both of you crashed your lips together hard. As you made out for a while Illi suddenly pushed you off. “Illi? Are you okay?” “We can’t just do that!” “What?” “You…I….What are you doing to me?! I can’t like you! My dad will kill me! The church will kill me!” “Illi who cares?! If they cared about you they wouldn’t care who you’re attracted to!” You try to reason with her and place a hand on her shoulder but she pushes it off. “You just told me you loved me!” You say a little hurt. “…I don’t know what I was saying.” “Are you fucking kidding me? You’re seriously gonna act like this after the movie I had just shown you?!” Illi got up and left your room without a word. That hurt.
When Illi got home she saw her parents talking to a boy from her school and his parents. “What’s going on?” She asks. Her parents look at each other then say, “Honey. If you want to continue being comfortable with your lifestyle then we’ve decided to arrange you in a marriage with this lovely man.” “What..?” Illi said. “But…But I’m 18! I can say no!” “You will say yes or we won’t try to refer to you as a girl.” Mr. McMillin said. “But…” Illi looked over at the man and he just smiled but it was evident he hated the mess he was in. Illi huffed. She needed to think about her religion. Her faith. “Okay.” Illi said. “Wonderful. The wedding will be held after you graduate.”
That wasn’t far from now. Now Illi needed to practice to not think of you.
The next day at school Illi was talking to Mikey. He wasn’t too happy about the situation Illi was forced into and even offered her help so she could be with you. “I am a Christian woman. She is temptation and I need to back away from it.” On cue you approached Illi, without hearing what she said, you stand there for a bit. Both of you having awkward silence. You then speak up first, “My mom likes you…She said she saw how my face lit up when I saw you…” “Lovely.” “Illi I love-“ Just then Illi’s husband to be wrapped his arms around her and kissed her cheek. “There she is…I thought of you all night.” He spoke. He turned to your direction and asked, “This one of your gal pals? Hi. I’m Bert. Illi’s fiancé.” “…Fiancé?” You say as you look at Illi in disbelief.
Illi just looked away and nodded. “…Whatever Illi…” You murmured as you head off to class. Her eyes watered a bit but she didn’t dare let them fall.
The next few weeks leading up to the wedding were hell for Illi. Bert was…Rough. Mean. Rude. And worst of all? He wasn’t you. You didn’t care that Illi was trans you just cared that she was nice to you. “I wish you were a real girl.” He spat out. Bert and Illi were in his car. They were forced to go on a date together. He was driving her to a diner because she wanted a burger. “I’ll respect what you go by because we’re going to get married but don’t think I don’t wish you were different.” “How sweet.” She said sarcastically while thinking of you.
She thought of you so much you appeared in her dreams a couple of times. In her dreams you and her were getting married…
The day of the wedding Mikey went to check on Illi and she looked stunning in her dress. “You look so pretty, sis!” Mikey said while hugging her. “It’s not the same…” Illi whispered. “What?” He asked. “It’s not her.” That’s when it clicked. You. “Illi there is still time.” He says. “I want to…Really…But…Mom and dad…I could loose you too.” “I’m sorry Illi.” Mikey hugged her again. “Is God even real..?” Illi asked. “If he is why is he making me suffer? I’ve been nothing but devoted to him…Why does he hate me?” Illi cried. Mikey was just at a loss for words but he was there for his sister.
The wedding had started and Illi and Bert stood before each other. He went on and on in his vows how he’d respect her and be there for her and blah blah blah it was nothing but bull shit and she could see right through it.
Illi was about to say her half ass vows when the church doors opened. It was you. In a cheerleading outfit with pom poms. “1, 2, 3, 4! I won’t take no anymore! 5, 6, 7, 8! I want you to be my mate! 1, 2, 3, 4! You’re the one that I adore! 5, 6, 7, 8! Don’t run from me cause this is fate…” Illi’s eyes got wide. Were you seriously recreating that scene from ‘But I’m A Cheerleader’? “Illi…I love you.” You say. After you say that what you assumed to be her father started to yell at you and walk towards you. That was your sign to book it.
You ran out of the church and hopped in the bed of your friend’s truck. “Come on! Go!” You say while banging on the window. Then the doors of the church opened. It was Illi running!
“Wait!” She yells. Your eyes get wide as you help her in. The both of you hug tightly while crying tears of joy. “I’m so sorry…” Illi tells you. “It’s fine! I’m just glad you’re here!” You crash your lips on her’s and she follows your lead. Illi pulls back while ripping off her cross necklace and throwing it away. You smiled at her gesture and kissed her hard again as the both of you drove off to your new life with each other and no one to judge.
I really love But I’m A Cheerleader. Can you tell? Anyways lovelies I hope that you enjoyed this! I had so much fun writing it and I’ll see you next fic! Mwah!😚🩷
