I am well aware that I'm an unlikable person. People usually hate my guts and I feel that a lot. Quite honestly if you tell me this 10-15 years ago, I'd really feel sadness. I was such a people pleaser back then, I tried to dim my light to make other people feel comfortable.
If there's one great thing that I've accomplished in my life, that is to have accepted myself, and understand myself better than before. I've lost a lot of people in my life because I knew I couldn't keep up feeding other people's ego. Also I suck at communications.
And my personality is strong, I can be easily known as someone who is always angry. At first I was ashamed of this, but I realized, that the people who never made an effort to see through the source of that anger is never meant to stay permanently in my life.
I have learned that my anger is protecting me from abuse. My anger is valid. I have to be angry to keep my sanity, it helps me weed out the wrong people from my life.
I am also someone who is unable to maintain an energy that is all sunshine and rainbows and shit, it's simply not how I function.
I grew up and I'm tired. I've felt a lot, I cared a lot and now I'm tired. I no longer have that mental space to worry whether people like me or not. To be fair, I like fewer people.
At this stage, I am slowly learning to embrace myself more. I appreciate the good intentions in my mind. I forgive myself for being mad at simple things. Simple things that are usually not "simple" as it have deep roots. I do not understand this about myself before, but now I am seeing it better.
I am a feeler, I feel too much. It is a curse as much as it is a gift. I know when people lie, I can feel it in my gut, but I like disappointing myself by letting these people walk over me and give them the benefit of the doubt. I want this world to be a better place by making change, and wanting to help people, but at the same time, I find myself thinking that we no longer deserve to be here. Sometimes I am able to help people with their problems, but I'm unable to help myself at the same time. Mostly I need help, but I refuse to be helped. I have experienced giving people warmth while my heart was breaking and suffering coldness inside. I can be sometimes a perfectionist while being imperfect myself. I was an absent friend but at the same time, they mostly occupy my mind. I am a nagging sister while all I want is peace at home.
I am a walking paradox and I admit to being a work in progress. But I will no longer invalidate myself just because it's not the "standard".
As someone who is unlikable, it's perfectly fine. I sleep at night soundly knowing that the decisions that I've made so far has taken me into a path of self understanding. I no longer want to be in deep with people who has not invited me there psychologically.
I have forgiven myself for being difficult sometimes, it's not entirely my fault. I've been raised into thinking that I have to adhere to everything that I'm told and be decided by other people that I'm rebellious when I don't align with the usual. I have dealt with narcissists most of my life, and I have come to fear myself that I too have become one. As I've said before, I am still a work in progress and I'll do the best in my power to not become the people that I hate.
I don't know how much long I have in this world, but I know that one day, I will walk out of here at peace with myself. And I will remember, how profound the life that I've had, and what an incredible journey it has been.
So for now, happy birthday to me 🥳
