Donne-Moi l'Amour Que Je N'ai Pas Eu

[zufluchts-worte]

I caution you as I never was cautioned: you will never let go, you will never be satiated. You will be damaged and scarred, you will continue to hunger. Your body will age, you will continue to need. You will want the earth, then more of the earth--

(until you' 'll become the earth).

Louise Glück - The Sensual World

[zufluchts-worte]

This is sadness. It is an ocean overflowing. Yet, no place to go. Occassionally, I find it washing over me. like the tide coming, the ebb withdrawing

all at mercy of the moon or the tectonic plates shifting - stacking above each other as high as the Alpes or tearing apart to new maritime valleys.

But after nearly three decades it seems it has not learned me a thing other than pain simply is. and that it connotates a loss From anger I know, it teaches that boundaries were crossed From fear what it is that is important to me. but pain? That I once loved you or simply an idea of you? Nothing new. I know that of course/ already.

Why do I need to feel this hurt when I already know that it is there when I already know of what I've lost (again)?

How often must it well up inside me like an ocean until it subsides- Ceases to wash over me. If it were a bathtub I would drain it but it is the ocean. you cannot drain the ocean.

Some days I fight every wave, the current on others I wait as it comes and it goes once more

I fulfill my own prophecy, being all pale and blue But, you know you can take everything, and I will rebirth myself. Again and again if I must.

[zufluchts-worte]

Summer felt warmer when I was younger

I wonder when t --i ----m -------e stopped being endless.

as endless as it was in my youth

just ten more summers and I'll be 40.

[zufluchts-worte]

Does it feel real to you yet, your death? (Because) to me it doesn't seems like you're still living in our apartment in the little notes you left the dying plants the laundry basket overflowing with you and only when I think of it I feel the lack.

Strange, isn't it? How you're everywhere - even the old future (I had planned for us together) but nowhere.

[zufluchts-worte]

Spring descended. Or should one say rose up again? Or should one say broke from the earth?

Louise Glück - Elseworth Avenue

[zufluchts-worte]

Surely spring has been returned to me, this time not as a lover but a messenger of death, yet it is still spring, it is still meant tenderly.

Louise Glück - Vita Nova

[zufluchts-worte]

The soul's like all matter: why would it stay intact, stay faithful to its one form, when it could be free?

Louise Glück - Lullaby

[zufluchts-worte]

Ich weiß nicht mehr wohin mit meiner Traurigkeit selbst das Papier hält sie nicht mehr aus.

[zufluchts-worte]

I think I never experienced a pain this tangible

It's everywhere in the bathroom where the smell of your perfume lingers ; I know you must've stood there just minutes before in the kitchen cupboards ; the little notes you wrote when you installed them and the bedsheets ; still shaped by your silhouette the soap, still wet from your touch and in the dying plants (you don't water)

[zufluchts-worte]

I think the bruises meant winter was finally over or had penetrated only the surface

and spring began blooming from within

[zufluchts-worte]

my heart is a clenched fist while my hands are desperately trying to

let go

[zufluchts-worte]

fist

I ask myself If we'll ever have a chance again. maybe, in seven years I think when all of our cells have been replaced we can start anew

but for the first time in my life letting go is hard when it has always been easy

I no longer feel relief when things end but grieve -

[zufluchts-worte]

I cut my hair hoping to cut you off but oh dear you’ve settled in the roots

[zufluchts-worte]

The sadness has turned into rage I will not suffer without consequences anymore.

[zufluchts-worte]

Native speaker

When I'm born I'm taught German we move to the US when I'm 4 and a half years old [my pain is always there]

by six i've become fluent in sadness

I think: It is the first language I speak.

I converse in silence. or so to say: my mother tongue.

but I'm trying. I really am to speak.

[zufluchts-worte]

What to do with all this pain? All I know is to turn it into art. But; how do I heal?.

[zufluchts-worte]

It's so easy for you to heal (in her arms)