Deep in thought

@joann-lam is my main blog I just want to point out that this is just my venting place & the place I need to motivate myself. My thoughts & feelings aren't constantly depressing. I just don't think I need to talk about my happy moments, unless I was genuinely happy & wanted to share. Other than that, I don't want to waste posts here about it, because I don't want to look back and see the same posts again & again about my ordinary days.

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Virtual Bullies.

I understand why you would hide yourself behind a screen & try to make others feel like shit. You have no sense of bravery & no guts to do anything in person, so you hide behind a screen & laugh at the emotional distress you bring upon your prey.

To those that do it, you embarrass our society even more than it should be.

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I hate that "What if..?" in the back of my head.

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Ugh.. I just want to talk to you.

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03/09/2012

I don't know if I'm happy or sad anymore; I feel emotionless way more than I should. People think I'm the happiest person, but I don't think I really think that way. I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but it isn't a giddy emotion. I'm getting way more irritated lately & I just feel really lonely. Though I don't appear to look like it in front of, well, anybody. I don't want to bring others' mood down because of my bad aura, so I try to stay upbeat. But I can just handle so much, you know?

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Sometimes you don't have to keep strong & smile.

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"You are good enough."

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I'm scared of how people think of me.

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I just want to be done.

I want to go somewhere far away. A fresh start. 

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It's not the same anymore.

I feel like some of the really close friends I've had/made all drifted away at the same time. Slowly, I'd gradually start feeling left out. I would talk to my friends that I've made years ago and we could tell each other just about anything, but the thing is, we don't even hang out. We have those really nice talks, but I don't have anyone physically near me that I can tell anything to anymore.

It just feels as though every time I make a close friend, I end up losing grasp of them and we stop talking. I don't know anymore. This already happened twice this year, and it's happening again. I want to talk with them, but we ran out of things to even talk about & I don't want to pester them any further.

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I'm never genuinely happy anymore

I have those moments where I have a laugh and I'm happy, but it doesn't last forever; maybe for a certain part of the day, but it fades out. I don't have that whole-heartedly happy feeling like I did when I was younger.

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Just breathe.

Joann, calm down. Think about what will happen if you answer their mean remarks. Don't be so stubborn sometimes. Just let it be, take a breath, and try to brush it off. You'll be happier that way. Using fire against fire only makes a bigger fire; 2 stubborn people fighting will only lead to a long conversation that means nothing to you later, after an hour or so. Don't let them get to you. Just smile and be the bigger person. You'll be proud of yourself when you're able to keep at it. You won't be infuriated when jerks try to provoke you, instead you'll even start feeling sorry for them! They wouldn't pay that much attention to you if they actually had something going on with their lives. Let them be, don't be like them, don't think like them. They won't physically hurt you, they just act tough with words, whether its cyber, rumors, or just provocative mean statements in front of you.

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Using the term "you"

I think I'm constantly writing each post as 'you', then having to re-edit it to myself. I guess I unconsciously don't want to admit that it's myself that I'm referring to. It's me who is having these thoughts. It's me who can't fess up to my own problems.

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"Don't forget your value"

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I can't even describe it

I'm so glad I have you guys in my life. We have bomb conversations about all the shit that's been happening (or just anything), and I know that you've got my back & I've got yours. We went into confessions about what had happened and I just feel so much better. The words that have been said are worth way more to me than you could imagine. 

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You don't have to be anyone's second choice.

You aren't an option, so don't go on living in the shadows. Don't put them before yourself. Stand out, show them whose who. Make them regret not choosing you. 

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"Think before you speak."

Am I too impulsive when I talk? I always say the wrong things at the wrong times. I can't think before I speak unconsciously, but I always end up thinking about what I've already said. Not just thinking about it, but contemplating about what I should have said. It could possibly be on my mind all day, or longer.

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I can't trust you.

Even if I've known you for years, and we were close friends, that doesn't make me obliged to trust you. You could be someone that doesn't know when to stop, someone who loves to gossip. I hear from others that you'd even call me your 'bestfriend', but I honestly don't think we are. You talk all this sh*t to your other friends about me & I can't even tell/text you anything without worrying that you'll tell someone. Of course, you did. The thing that got to me was that I wasn't even surprised to hear that you told someone something I told you to keep a secret. That doesn't sound like a friendship I want. Truthfully speaking, I don't care if we're friends or not, at this point.