Listen, you found this page, so I guess you’re nosy enough to want the details. Fine. Name’s Ge’tal Solus - Red if ya nasty. Bounty hunter, exiled Mando, and general pain in the ass to anyone with authority. I don’t work for free, and I don’t work for fascists.
I’m a 1312 & 1313 local. If you don’t know your way around, you better have someone watching your back, because down here, there’s no safety net. The Underworld cops don’t give a shit about us unless they’re looking for someone to beat on, and the only law that matters is the one you enforce yourself. You’ll usually find me at some shitty bar, a fight ring, or wherever the latest contract takes me. If you want something, get to the point. I don’t do small talk, and I don’t give a fuck about pleasantries. If you waste my time, I’ll waste yours. Figure out which side of that you wanna be on.
(Jk I’m not that serious)
My assistant at the Guild been writing my adventures here, although, I recommend you reading this highlight of my career. Because, yes, bitch, I survived the Southern Underground.
I run a little segment called Tales from the Underworld! It’s essentially a collection of stories that I gathered from around the underbelly of Coruscant. If you want to read it, go ahead and track them under the tag: tales from the underworld.
My ask box is always open. Go ahead and pick a fight (or buy me drinks or give me a bounty to hunt) there.
Behind the scene after writing this bio:
Rex: Baby, you sound so punchable.
Tal: No, I sound cool
Rex: Really?
Tal: Yep. I sound like I could walk into a room and everyone would know I don’t take shit from nobody.
Rex: You sound like you’re about to challenge the whole bar to a fight
Tal: also the kinda vibe I was going for.
Rex: And what happens when some osik actually takes you up on it?
Tal: Then I kick their ass and look even cooler.
Rex: …Yeah, real cool. Until you break your wrist again.
Tal: That was one time
Rex: That was last month
Rex: “I don’t do small talk, and I don’t give a fuck about pleasantries.” You literally small-talked a bounty into giving up last week
Tal: That’s different! That was strategy! Bro was a Zeltron!
Rex: You flirted
Tal: Whatever
Stuff like guerilla gardening, stickering, wheatpasting, lifting, graffiti, pothole-filling and other minor illegal acts aren’t only important for their primary effects, but because disobeying your capitalist programming helps break down the internalized worldview that comes with it
You start seeing society as it is: a collection of flawed, limited, man-made institutions that can be ignored, reshaped, or abolished. You see your environment as something that you’re free to improve and beautify. You see items on shelves as common property which is unjustly hoarded and guarded. You see cops as violent oppressors upholding the unfair demands of the ruling class - but you also see them as human, able to be avoided, fooled, and fought
Practice illegalism daily to see past the smoke and mirrors that make it look like the way things are is the way they must be. A better world is possible
Disobedience is a muscle that requires exercise. If you envision yoursef a resistance fighting and think you’ll start breaking the law once it becomes absolutely necessary, you will not have the skills, the experience, the realism, connections or the courage once the time comes.
James C Scott called in anarchist calisthenics. You ave to practise the skill and the fitness of doing things for the collective. Otherwise when the real urgency strikes it’s like someone just asked you to win a game for us in hockey and you’ve never in your life even skated on ice.
And not only that, it will feel repulsive whenever someone asks you if you’d like to play hockey with them.
Working for the community should not feel like a repulsive idea that’ll only embarrass you.
Things That Are Perfectly Legal To Purchase, Own, and Carry
Goggles
White vinegar
Raw onion juice
Hot pepper extract
Peppermint extract
Pitchers
Funnels
High-capacity squirt guns
Do with this information what you will. I make no suggestions except to say that many of the components have seen perfectly mundane use in the realm of pest control.
I hope you had a good birthday Scorch!!! Be safe make good decisions don't work for crazy scientists or fall from big heights LOVE YOU
I HAD A GREAT ONE THANKS TO YOU GUYS 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳💛💛💛💛💛💛💛
Notes taken, thank you for your wishes anon! I already have a crazy scientist in my squad so I think I could catch anything thrown my way 😎 and my vode would catch me if I fall! Don't worry 😎🫵🏾
That adds that to the list....
Shut up CAN'T, FIXER! YOU HAVE TO SUCK IT LOL
Take Sev to proper R&R
Don't curse in front of Yoda (impossible, bro can read my mind)
Coruscant Underworld, Level 1313 for 5.19 To Catch a Jedi
by J.P. Balmet
We were able to work from some of the great stuff the 1313 project was producing at the time, so this was a riff on what they were doing, but reinterpreted for Clone Wars.
"Drink it all, drink it slow" - mandalorian drinking song
"Piru ast an, an, an,
Piru ast kag'yc, kag'yc, kag'yc,
Kaysh piru an bal ne'kadala,
Pirun kadala a gal gotal'u laarari!"
"Drink it all, all, all,
Drink it slow, slow, slow
They drank it all and it didn't even hurt,
Water hurts but the booze makes you sing!"
The song is sang to encourage each other to drink the entire glass in one go, and the first two verses are sang over and over until everyone has finished the glass, and then the last two verses are sang to finish the song.
You’re right not to go back to Kamino. But listen to me, Boba. This place, 1313, chews up kids like you for breakfast. You want to stay alive? You don’t shrink. You don’t run. You learn. And if you stick with me, no one’s gonna harvest shit.
Okay, I have an extra room for you to stay. But here’s the deal, you gotta work and train with the guild. Bounties are everywhere in Coruscant Underworld, but you have to be smart about it!
You’re right not to go back to Kamino. But listen to me, Boba. This place, 1313, chews up kids like you for breakfast. You want to stay alive? You don’t shrink. You don’t run. You learn. And if you stick with me, no one’s gonna harvest shit.
[Episode 5: The Crystal Jewel, Southern Underground]
NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH TALES OF THE UNDERWORLD. I WAS HERE FIRST!
HELLO HOLONET. WELCOME BACK TO TALES FROM THE UNDERWORLD.
Now broadcasting live from somewhere I absolutely do not want to be. Guess where I am?
I SAID GUESS.
Okay nobody got it right. Losers. All of ya. I’m currently holed up in the Southern Underground. Why? Because I need ammo. Specifically, one kriffing silver bullet for my slugthrower. Yep, that one, the one you possibly heard from horror tales to kill werewolves. Guess what? These babies are good enough to kill corridor ghouls (which had been roaming around my neighbourhood. Thus, my lot and I been hunting em down one by one.)
ALSO, the only place that sells it doesn’t do catalogs, doesn’t do shipping, doesn’t even have a kriffing name on the door. You gotta know someone, then know a guy that that guy owes a favour to, then show up with rhythmic knocks or whatever.
But first stop? The bar. No, no. Not just another bar. THE CRYSTAL JEWEL. The infamous bar with the edgy tagline definitely written by some teen edgelord long before the clones were decanted, “If the customers don’t kill you, the drinks will.”
Fokkin edgy mate. Before we continue, remember this: Always keep one hand on your credits and the other on your blaster. I learnt the hard way when I first came to this part of the underworld. Unless, of course, you were one of those lucky species with more than two hands - then you could punch and shoot at the same time.
Anyway, enough pleasantries. KEEP READING FOR MY VERY OWN SURVIVAL KIT!
WELCOME TO THE CRYSTAL JEWEL.
The bar sits in the heart of the Southern Underground. And no, this isn’t like Level 1313, which still has rules (and people Underworld Cops pretending to enforce them). This is the other side of the underworld. Quite literally. Cause the other hemisphere, you know?
No one gives a shit who you are. Or what you’re carrying. Smugglers. Bounty hunters. Mercs. Freelancers who’ve lost their crews. Burnouts. This place is where the galaxy’s trash comes to ferment.
Pro tip: Don’t look like easy prey.
Holster a blaster. Even if it’s fake. And if you’re not willing to fight? Pretend you are. One thing to keep in mind before entering the facility:
THE INVITE-ONLY LIE
Here’s the thing: The Crystal Jewel’s “invite only.”
What that really means is “we’ll act like you need a name, but if you show up with a gun and enough proven connection, we’ll let you in.” But if don’t have those? You’ll break in the fun way. Like me.
So, here’s how you break in to The Crystal Jewel:
STEP 1: FIND THE RIGHT ALLEY.
There’s a narrow alley tucked between a defunct data kiosk and a churro stand that definitely doesn’t use fabric colouring for the dips. Look for the brick wall with graffiti that says “DOWN WITH THE REPUBLIC” in four different languages.
STEP 2: CLIMB THE STAIRS.
There are two sets of stairs. One is kind of clean and leading towards the market, the other one is the sketchy one - go through this one. You’ll know it from the uneven stairs, barely lit, plastered with old posters of underground fights, Twi’lek burlesque shows, live sex shows (yep), missing persons. (Spoiler: not coming back.)
STEP 3: FIND THE GARAGE DOOR.
Top of the stairs, take the right corner past the crate stack and a broken speederbike that seems to take a residency in that spot. You’ll see a busted garage door. There’s a small gap beside it, just enough to squeeze through.
STEP 4: OVERRIDE THAT SHIT.
Duck through the gap and find a burnt umbre metal door. It’s locked. Of course. Again, do not come unprepared. I always carry my data/security spike. Not that expensive. It’s 1,500 credits worth of beautiful tech. Pop it into the door’s side knob. Work your magic.
STEP 5: GET IN!
Once you got it opened, get in! Make sure to close the door and remember your steps. Do not act suspicious.
What to do here? You’re probably wondering.
When you’re in a club like this, always look for the bar. That’s where you find intel. Unless you’re invited to sit on the couch. In spots like this, the bartenders are the unofficial gatekeepers. They see it all! Every dirty deal, every backroom bargain, and they knew better than to ask questions. Like the lady in the picture, she KNOWS EVERYTHING. They’re all knowing gods. Love and TIP YOUR BARTENDER. And if you play your cards right, you might just end up on the couch.
What does it mean to be invited on the couch? Listen. Black Sun owns most of the area here. So if you’re invited, there are two possibilities:
ONE: THEY WANT TO HIRE YOU.
They know your rep. They’ve seen what you’ve done. You made noise, and they’re curious. Maybe they want to cut a deal. Maybe they want you to run something. If this is you, sit down. Listen. Don’t talk unless spoken to.
And definitely don’t ask for a drink unless they offer.
TWO: YOU FUCKED UP.
Which is highly unlikely. Because if you really fucked up you’d never make it through this part of the Underworld. You’d get a body bag the moment your janky ship landed and docked.
BEFORE WE END THIS TRANSMISSION. One more thing!
TAL’S SURVIVAL TIP FOR THE SOUTHERN UNDERGROUND:
Don’t come here unless you know what you’re looking for.
Because if you don’t this place will hand you a drink, a blatant lie you wouldn’t even be able to decipher, and a blaster to the brain, and you won’t know which will end you first.
Anyway. I’m only here for the ammo. And maybe one of those fried fungus skewers if the vendor near the stairwell isn’t dead today.
TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR MORE TALES FROM THE UNDERWORLD. REMEMBER, NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH TALES OF THE UNDERWORLD!
After swinging by 1313, Lesiil dragged Tal over to her posh-ass flat up on Coruscant’s surface level for some pot luck dinner. Tal rolled up with Amer - this dirt-cheap, homemade underworld red wine that’s sweet as shit and fucks you up after two glasses, some mangosteens, and a massive portion of spicy fried rice. Lesiil cooked a bowl of spotchka penne, whilst Rex and Fox showed up with… fuckin excuse of cold mess hall eggs. A for Effort.
Considering the eggs, of course. A+ for the effort indeed, but truthfully I would appreciate another side dish that doesn't involve some grumpy grumbling and extra wok work with the fried rice afterward because nobody was actually eating it.
The Amer was tolerable and that is all. I had a little joy witnessing the Marshal's tipsiness (he complained about Coruscant's weather forecast subscription to my droid BD-6) and the Captain's apparent... breakdown? Seriously, are you two doing well? @1313-hunter
I recorded Fox’s drunk moment. ALSO, yes, Rex and I are doing fine. He’s just a… sad drunk? One time he cried about his old Kamino fatigue. Mostly, he whines about his general though. Bro is stressing him out. I’m gonna fist fight him one day.
The spotchka pasta was delicious, btw! I should’ve said yes when you asked me if I wanted to take some home.
