Die Letzte Menschliche Fremde

both the passage of time and the way you perceive me is an illusion ; what's to say that i'm not just a figment of your imagination?

[14sincere]

i think love is hidden in “i dont like texting,” but you respond right away to me. its hidden in the way we watch each other, constantly trying to figure out if its the ‘right time’ for this. its hidden in the way that you wouldn’t hesitate to bring pizza over when i was sick with covid, and you stayed with me to make sure i ate. its hidden in ways that don’t quite make sense, but are yours nonetheless.

[14sincere]

when i put my naked heart out you can either move on if you don't like it or you can appreciate it in all its bleeding glory but by god i will put it out on display for those who need to see the monster i am inside

CeK // 11;12 am

[14sincere]

i feel like a dam that’s about to burst.

i feel like a dam

that’s about to cave in and

allow the coursing rapids of emotions just

start

flowing.

maybe slow at first,

leaking only a few drops at a time,

but once those few drops begin then

damn

the whole thing bursts.

and it bursts because,

instead of being made up of

harty logs and branches,

my dam is made up of

used

match

sticks.

because i vividly remember

in the sixth grade

during health class,

the teacher separated the

boys

and the

girls

into two separate classrooms—

i think the boys went off to the gym—

and she sat us girls down and said

“has anyone told you that

“your young, fragile bodies

“are like petals on a flower

“that must be preserved?”

now,

i was never one to particularly enjoy flowers,

i found comfort in flames.

i raised my hand and said

“no. but i like flames more.

“i want to be a wildfire.”

the teacher shook her head,

“you may be what starts the fire—

“the match that is struck once,

“used,

“and snuffed out on the ground,

“beneath the boot of the man who lit you,

“as they watch the burning

“and irreparable damage you’ve caused.”

the group of eleven year olds

snapped their heads to me.

“oops.”

it was all i had to say for myself,

because i didn’t know what she meant.

now i’m just a pile of matches,

all used up and burnt out,

waiting to be blown over or

carried away on a smooth current

to somewhere i don’t need to exist

anymore.

CeK // 10:29 pm // i fucking hate my corporeal form

[14sincere]

I AM NOT FUCKING SOFT.

i am obsidian and moonstone carefully arranged covered in pretty lilies, lavender, roses, and chrysanthemums.

there is nothing "soft" about me.

i used to be soft. i used to be mushy and squishy and soft to the touch and then everyone wanted to touch.

everyone wanted to get their slimy, gross, dirty fingers all over the soft parts of me digging their nails and scooping any sort of feathered down that may have resided in the space before the crystals grew.

i hope you cut yourself. i hope the edges of my stones are sharp, and the thorns of my roses are large and pointed and jagged.

i hope the next time you reach into the depths of my soul...

i hope you lose a part of yourself to the jagged shapes I have formed. i hope you leave some of yourself behind, just so that you can feel some of my pain.

CeK // 6;48 pm

[14sincere]

there's nothing i wouldn't do, nothing i wouldn't give, to be able to travel back in time.

save myself from the overexposure. the uncomfortable feeling that is dead skin p e e l i n g away from the blisters and scabs that you left on my heart.

i'd spend too much time with you, failing to manage to shroud myself in thorough enough protection.

instead, it was a haphazard gauze strip wrapped around and around and around trying to keep the burn covered, out of sight until it could heal. unfortunately, blisters formed.

blisters formed from every time you watched me cook or we'd split a domino's pizza-- I get four slices, you did too-- or you'd tell me about the people you fucked and my brain filled in that you wished they were me.

I just wanted you to wish they were me.

unfortunately, you were as bright and warm as the sun himself, and there was nothing I could do but bask in the safety of your presence.

you left my heart sunburnt, maybe even gave it sun poisoning, and by god do I wish I had passed up the invitation to that Halloween party earlier this year-- but you helped me through so much.

maybe sometimes it's safer to stay in the tunnel where your emotions rage instead of venturing out into your sweet, warm light, and wanting to keep that forever.

9;54 pm // CeK

[14sincere]

what if we kissed, like in my dream last night?

smash your face against mine, your lips drinking in my breath as if you were drowning and the only air you wanted was mine

grab me by my chin, force me to kiss you back-- because i promise, it won't require much force, i've wanted this for a while now-- then run your other hand down my side

trace my ribs with your long fingers, feather-touch my waist because i'm self conscious about that; the fact that i'm squishy in the middle, then tap twice in my hip bone and feel me stand on my toes to get a better angle to even attempt to fight the tide

i thought i was doing fine fighting off these stupid feelings, but these are persistent motherfuckers. i wonder if you hear it in the noises i make when i'm pressed against you eagerly welcoming you into my bed just for the chance to be held-- to make it through the night

-- CeK // 9:48 pm // i'm supposed to be writing a paper but this keeps bugging me

[queerautism]

Im still SO fuckign mad some child psychologists or whatever think parallel play is a negative thing oh my god i hate the NTs sometiems

[recordsystem]

Literally me and my bf call it cat time where we chill together and do our own things (bc cats interpret spending time together as just lounging in the same space together) and it’s so comfy and happy wtf is wrong w nts

[queerautism]

Ahhhh thats so lovely yes u get it

[jelli-day]

. Doctors think thats a BAD thing??????

[queerautism]

Parallel play is supposed to be an early stage of childhood development that transitions into social play, but continuing to do it into adulthood is not considered “normal”

Like the way they talk abt it is GROSS

Parallel play is incredible and social and good actually

[queerautism]

The fact this post has so many notes so quick… We all fuckign love parallel play in here <3

[steampunkette]

Soooo much of adult life enjoyment is parallel play.

Hitting the club? Parallel play. You might be dancing with someone, or just dancing in a crowd, But you’re still surrounded by people you’re not playing -with-.

Sporting Events. Unless you’re on the field it’s parallel play.

Coffee shops. People go to read and right in a place with others present. Parallel play.

Tons more examples out there of neurotypicals enjoying parallel play without calling it that.

[slepygrogu-deactivated20240316]

I’m not entirely sure why we are comparing child development to adult behaviours here.

There is nothing wrong with parallel play, but child psychologists do use it as a developmental marker when assessing children who may have a developmental issue going on.

Children do continue to do parallel play, but when they reach a certain age, they will also do social play. Most children will participate in a variety of play, including parallel play. But if children don’t progress to including social play in their lives, it could be indicative of something going on.

And it is really important that children are seen early by a psychologist if they notice their child not meeting certain developmental goals, so parents and teachers know what they can do to support their children.

Plus, it’s not really considered parallel play in adults because it is a specific name for a stage in child development, specifically in how they approach play.

[queerautism]

I am going to start killing people on this post i swear to god

[steampunkette]

Not moving on to social play is indicative that the kid in question doesn’t enjoy social play.

Maybe they’re autistic. Maybe they’ve got anxiety. Maybe the kids that you’re trying to get them to be social with just don’t like them or are bullies or something similar.

Maybe trying to enforce a specific model of psychosocial development to all children that you then try to “Correct” for is just forced conformity to a sociological standard that is changing with the times?

Shocking thought, that…

[eroticcannibal]

Actually can we stop calling collaborative play “social play”? All play is social. Parallel play is social. NTs do NOT get to claim they have a monopoly on social play.

And sticking only with parallel play is a sign of developmental difference, not delay. Let’s be honest, “delay” and developmental goals are bullshit. Children are individuals and develop individually.

[slepygrogu-deactivated20240316]

Fair enough, I do think a lot of the vocabulary that gets used by NT or child psychologists can make it seem like developmental differences in child are bad. But psychologists are not trying to change the nature of a child, but support them in a society that is not kind to neurodivergent people.

Or at least, if psychology services are funded properly and they have the resources, that is the aim. It is to support children in their development, not to go against their nature. They are not trying to cure autism or anything.

[queerautism]

Do you… Do you not realise children get forced through ABA “therapy” routinely still??

[slepygrogu-deactivated20240316]

Oh gosh, yeah, that shit is the worst and definitely not what child psychologists should be doing. But I would also say they are definitely not actual child psychologists. I would classify those people as scumbags who take advantage of parents who don’t know what ABA is.

[queerautism]

You can call them what you want, the issue is that they ARE child psychologists and they are torturing ND children. Don’t try to pretend the “actual” field of child psychology has moved past this bullshit. It does not help us

[pom-seedss]

@sleepytortboi​

 They are child psychologists in all the important ways. They have degrees, they have licenses, they have practices.

ABA is the only option for autistic kids in Ontario because it is the only option actually funded by the province.

These people have institutional power, funding and governmental backing.

In what way are these people “not actually” child psychologists in any way that matters?

I would even say with the history of medicine and psychiatry that these psychologists torturing autistic kids are actually more in line with what psychiatry’s historical essence.

The goal of helping people achieve their best lives without cutting pieces off of themselves is a new mode of thought, and not one the whole industry supports.

We are talking about people with institutional power, they have that, they are “actually” what they say. You can’t no-true-scottsman your way out of it.

[slepygrogu-deactivated20240316]

Tbf, I live in the UK. ABA is something controversial here and not the option offered if you go via the public sector here to the best of my knowledge.

The fact that is the only option in other countries is horrifying.

[eroticcannibal]

The majority of services in the UK in this area are ABA. They just use different names. ABA is in fact utilised across CAMHS in general, not just autistic services. ABA methods are also employed in almost every school. Almost every child in the country is subjected to ABA.

[pom-seedss]

If you don’t mind, what are some of the other names they use for ABA? I’d like to keep an eye out for those too.

[eroticcannibal]

I cannot transcribe all of these because spoons so if comeone could do that for me that would be great

In terms of ABA methods within schools, these will not usually be labelled in such a way, they are viewed simply as teaching methods so to spot those you really need to get familiar with how ABA actually works.

[14sincere]

I attempted a transcription of the above image, please let me know if I got anything wrong:

[text on image]

Therapist Neurodiversity Collective International

Therapy - Advocacy - Education

Established Jan. 2018 (?)

Signs your therapy provider uses ABA or other Abelist Therapy Models (look for these buzz phrases)

Note: each phrase below has been quoted directly from an ABA clinic or other abelist therapy provider advertisement.

- "Naturalistic, morivational-based"

- "Play-based early learner autism treatment program"

- Autism intervention

- "Reduce symptoms"

- "Reduction of problem behaviours"

- "Social skills training, social skills intervention"

- "Restore connection"

- "Help brain function in a normal way"

- "Increase eye contact"

- "Increase tolerance skills"

- "Task completion compliance"

- "Founded by an Autism Mom"

- "Autism Warriors"

- "Unlock their capabilities"

- "Design behaviour support plans"

- "Data collection"

- "Errorless learning, errorless teaching"

- "Intensive behavioural intervention"

- "Indicental teaching"

- "Positive behaviour support"

- "Whole body listening"

- "Fluency building" (teach specific elements of behaviour over and over again until the behaviour becomes fluent)

- "Extenguish behaviour"

- "Desensitisation"

- "Positive reinforcement"

- "Discrimination training"

- "1:1 therapist follows your child all day long!"

- "Assigned liscenced BCBAs supervising RBTs"

Therapy models that do not meet Therapist Neurodiversity Collective standards for empathetic and respectful therapy practice:

- Verbal Behaviour (VB) VB-MAPP

- The Lovaas (?) Approach

- Pivot Response Treatment (PRT)

- Picture Exchange Communication System (PECS)

- Natural Language Paradigm (NLP)

- Early Start Denver Model (ESDM)

- Early Intensive Behavioural Intervention (EIBI)

- Discrete Trial Training (DTT)

- Intensive Behavioural Intervention (IBI)

- Positive Behaviour Support (PBS)

- Relationship Development Intervention (RDI)

- Positive Behavioural Interventions and Supports (PBIS)

- The PEERS Program

- Social Thinking

Copyright 2020 Therapist Neurodiversity Collective

A Collective of Speech-Language Pathologists, Occupational Therapists, & Physical Therapists

-- RED SECTION OF THE PHOTO --

We say NO to:

Play-based ABA

"New" ABA

Verbal Behaviour (VB)

VB-MAPP

The Lovaas Approach

Pivot Response Treatment (PRT)

Natural Language Paradigm (NLP)

Early Start Denver Model (ESDM)

Early Intensive Behavioural Intervention (EIBI)

Discrete Trial Training (DTT)

Incidental Teaching

Intensive Behavioural Intervention (IBI)

Positive Behaviour Support (PBS)

Relationsihp Development Intervention (RDI)

Positive Behavioural Interventions and Supports (PBIS)

The PEERS Program

Social Skills Training

Whole Body Listening

[photo of finger paining "NO MEANS NO" in a small circle to the right of the list]

[14sincere]

all i've been able to think about since getting home is the feeling of you holding me

it's currently almost four in the morning. i'm writing shit for our characters while listening to the new mother mother album and i can't even summon the brain power to format this into a proper poem or make it sound pretty at all but god dammit you scare me. and don't apologise when you read this either, because i'm pretty sure you'll pick up on the fact that it's you if you ever read this. you're not allowed to apologise for scaring me, because it's the most thrilling fear i've ever felt.

yes.

i am scared, but not of you. not directly.

i'm afraid of everything that might be, of the timeline that's so close to this one where it's you and not him or he doesn't exist or you don't exist or i never had a him to begin with but he still existed and you're here and you've always been here and i've been able to be here for you for years or decades or however long you've needed someone for, because listening to you talk about how much you needed someone and you fear being alone while you refused to look into my eyes cut so deeply into me that if this were a different timeline i might've asked for more than just a hug from you. or rather, asked if you wanted more than a hug, because i will never ask for physical contact from anyone, but i consistently crave it and i will never say no if you ask. the day that i say 'no' to a hug from you is the day that something is so deeply and terribly wrong that i'm likely going to need that hug the most.

maybe this is very perks of being a wallflower of me, but i am a firm believer in the idea that your first kiss should come from someone who loves you.

please don't let your loneliness rob you of that electric feeling.

- CeK // 4;01 am // haha...oops.

[14sincere]

am i lying,

or am i simply

omitting

the truth?

CeK // 2;09 pm // when sir gawain and the green knight gives you an existential crisis, go to the professor’s office and have tea & an anxiety attack

[leefi]

[14sincere]

if i zone out hard enough

my brain superimposes your voice

alongside that of the recording artist

CeK // 2;04 am // wow i must REALLY like your voice

[14sincere]

sometimes i wonder if you hate being talked over because you're used to being the loudest person in the room. sometimes i wonder if you get tired from constantly trying to one-up everyone around you. sometimes i wonder if you even realise that you're doing it. sometimes i wonder if you're able to pick up on the fact that you're not funny or witty or likeable by consistently correcting others on their pieces of knowledge or making pop culture references that one person doesn't get and then you get frustrated with the fact that they don't understand it and tear down their experiences.

sometimes i wonder...

...but wondering is useless.

i just want something that was not that because tonight was really not the night for that since i missed your text and then i almost fucking died and i don't know why you don't see me as a nuisance but i know how to use it to my advantage and boy, does that seem to piss off some of the other people in the room.

sometimes i wonder what my life were like if i didn't set myself up to be the rocks against which the brunt of everyone's emotional overload crashes on. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to be allowed to be the waves.

i don't think i would be waves at this point.

the tide reels back and then all of a sudden water is a wall of its own, reaching heights of the tallest skyscrapers in the land huh, land i don't think

much of that would be left over once my tsunami crashes.

i can weather plenty; when i was created, i was created to be formidable. strong.

unbreakable.

sometimes i wonder if you realise that you're slowly wearing at me, smoothing out my rough edges but also creating cracks in the surface that are running incredibly deep into the cavernous testaments of my very soul. sometimes i wonder if the only way you know how to bond with people is to wear them down so goddamn much that they

break

because you like handling the little pieces of what they used to be instead of standing back and admiring the larger picture that stands before you now.

sometimes i wonder...

...but wondering is useless.

wondering, my love, is a lost art form that i have mastered and have little use for.

CeK // 12;45 am // i think every time i say "you" it's a different person so ah have fun deciphering this one friends

[14sincere]

less feeling

c’mon c’mon c’mon goddamnit come ON

stop feeling stop wanting to feel just accept the fact that you CAN’T stop wanting to feel feelings are bad feelings are uncomfortable feelings are too tight shirts and shorts that hug your ass and sweatshirts that don’t want to come off unless you become a contortionist temporarily

give me a way to feel less.

please

give me a way to feel less.

i’m sad i have no motivation god i’m such a waste of potential i wonder what could have been if i were just to simply disappear i wonder if the school would mourn i wonder if you would care do you think you would care if i died?

oh maybe dying is a bit too permanent maybe just disappeared for a while i wonder how long it would take for you to notice when i don’t text you first because i’m always the one texting first and i overthink that way too much but there was one day where i tried to do it i tried to get through the whole day without texting you and i hated every second of it so i broke after my class and wound up asking you some stupid question because i never know how to actually start a conversation with you because “hi” sounds too informal but anything else sounds too presumptuous too casual too uninteresting so i go with asking you questions all the fucking time to keep you engaged.

i’m so afraid all the goddamn time i don’t know what the hell to do with myself i’m afraid you’re going to lose interest i’m afraid you’re going to gain interest i’m afraid of being too much and not enough all at once and i know i can be because i’ve done it before and i know you’re different but goddamn it’s difficult to retrain my brain to tell it “nah fam he actually cares this one said he cares about you leave your worries alone” because you did—you said you cared.

i’m stressed i’m anxious i’m jittery in my mind all the time i can never actually tell which direction is which (that’s why i wear jewelry on my left hand nothing on my right) and time being linear is stupid and i can’t remember when things happened or the order in which they did.

the only thing i know is that i have a lot of feeling.

and i want to make it stop.

CeK // 7;58 pm // can you tell that i don’t write in order

[14sincere]

you are

a fully bloomed rose

in a garden

full of weeds

CeK // 12;46 pm // flowers are pretty fucking awesome and so are you, bitch

[14sincere]

i want

more than anything

to be the person

others want to be

when they grow up.

i want to be the one

people turn to,

for whatever reason,

because i’m comfortable

to talk to.

i want to be the one

that when someone calls my name

the sun can catch just enough

to light up my features—

maybe then you’ll think i’m

beautiful.

i want to be the one

that whoever it is i wake up next to

doesn’t mind dealing with my

gremlin morning self

because they think i’m

beautiful.

i want to be the one

who glows from within,

a soul so warm and bright

that others can’t help but

feel drawn to it.

but don’t get too close—

overwhelm a burning candle

and the flame might flicker back.

…

do you even believe in

soul mates?

because i feel like,

on some level,

we have that.

our timelines crossed

here

now

for some reason.

i’ve had a lot of

“right person,

wrong circumstances”

in my lifetime.

oh,

how glorious the time will be

when it is finally

“right person,

right circumstances”

and i will get to rejoice

knowing that i did it.

i made it.

i trekked through hell and back,

not once but at least twice,

and i kept coming back

because dammit,

people care about me.

i worked on myself,

i healed myself,

i made it to a point where

productivity

no longer equals

worth.

i cannot wait until the day

i feel that i am worth

loving

unconditionally.

CeK // 1;25 am // oh boy oh boy it’s my emotions escaping the bottle that i shoved them into!! so fun :)

[14sincere]

dammit.

…

i really want to kiss you.

CeK // 1;12 am // manic carter go brrr, manic carter go “make decision & act” but depressed carter go “no just pine from a distance”

[beforethefilm]

why does my heart

want things that i cannot have?

because we are always dreaming

of beautiful faraway things

like the stars

or having wings

wanting something usually

has a distance to it

because if we wanted something close by

we would never need to dream

and to dream is to allow anything

to become possible