the light has disappeared

all the things that I need you to know

[15-07-2022]

show them. prove to them. make them regret.

[angehalliwell-diary]

[sandmandaddy69]

[perfectfeelings]

“I wanted to tell you that wherever I am, whatever happens, I’ll always think of you, and the time we spent together, as my happiest time. I’d do it all over again, if I had the choice. No regrets.”

— Cynthia Hand, Boundless

[surqrised]

“Things change. And friends leave. Life doesn’t stop for anybody.”

— Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

[15-07-2022]

I hope this never finds you.

I know you didn't ask for this and how I felt, but I felt like I needed to share this with you. I consider you my best friend, my life partner and my love. I know it(I) isn't your burden to bear and this definitely isn't fair considering I was never/rarely there for you when you needed me. I honestly don't know what's going to happen and things will probably never be the same be it for the best or the worse.

I'm not well. I constantly overthink, I consistently worry. I wonder what you're doing the entire time we've been apart and how you're doing. I can't help but replay scenarios in my head, what I could have done better, what I could have said better. There's no denying that I am responsible for my actions. I blame myself for everything, every minute, every single day. And I have to live every second regretting everything and living with it. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now but I have to let you know how I feel truly and sincerely.

I'm finding it hard, harder every single day to have the will to live. Not because of you or the failure of the relationship but me, myself and my decisions, my head, my thoughts, my feelings. If you don't see your future with me, it's honestly understandable and I'll definitely not blame you for it. I am the demise of my bad decisions. Before you, I promised myself, no more, no more heartbreak, no more heartaches and no more me letting my heart speak. But you gave me hope, you gave me everything that I've lost. But in that process, you were losing yourself.

I've thought about what I could do if things don't work out. I could disappear, I could seek work overseas and start anew or I could just die. Don't take what I said wrongly, before these thoughts creeped into my dumb head, I desperately want and I still do, to work on myself and be a better version of myself for everybody involved. And I've come to the realisation that I'm just a tragically shit person. I constantly screw things up.

I hope this never finds you and we could work things out and live happily together. I pray that I don't do anything silly and that things work out.

[perfectquote]

“Much of our life is spent wishing others understood us better than they do.”

— Gordon Allport

[mournfulroses]

Simone de Beauvoir, from a diary entry featured in Diary of a Philosophy Student

[mournfulroses]

Albert Camus, from a letter to María Casares featured in Correspondance, 1944-1959

[inkpressedpetals]

[shawtyimmaparty]

This year felt like being awake during a surgery

[resqectable]

“A healthy relationship is where two independent people just make a deal that they will help the other person be the best version of themselves.”

— Unknown

[poetic-questions]

—Anaïs Nin, "The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 1: 1931-1934"

[thoughtkick]

“You can achieve what you’re working towards, as long as you keep trying your best.”

— Unknown

[perfectquote]

“work hard for what you want in life and keep that fight - you have to be strong and know that you can do anything you put your mind to; just keep believing in yourself, keep trying, and keep pushing. you can do it.”

— Unknown

[thoughtkick]

“Sometimes you need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they’ll notice and respond. And if they don’t then you’ll know where you stand.”

— Unknown

[vacuiterror]

im like a stranger in my own body, half the time idk why im feeling what im feeling, i just feel the effects and sit there wondering what the fuck is up this time