Sound of Love; Chapter Five
I knew these girls and I had something in common. I could just feel it from the moment we all had to meet for our private tour. I wasn’t expecting them to all have personally known the boys, I thought Adora and Ashley were just dedicated fans that missed the boys. I also wasn’t prepared to see so many pictures of Harry and I from when we were younger to be so cherished. They were in pristine condition, like they were taken just yesterday.
Am I supposed to be told something? By the connections the girls and I had to the boys, and the pictures plastered everywhere of he and I, is that supposed to be telling me something?
They very unenthusiastic, effortless, almost forgotten tour guide person stopped us before these two huge doors that read, “THE END”, and I thought… the end? The end of the tour? That’s crazy! We were promised a full tour with the finale of standing on the crash scene. Then it took me a second to realize, that by saying the end… it meant the end of everything. The boys, the fandom, the songs, the humour, the everything they consisted of.
“Now, girls, I hope you enjoyed reminiscing the lives you’ve shared with these boys, through the laughs and the tears, we are now done with our tour. But first, we stand before the exact spot where the boys crashed. Are you girls ready?” The tour guy said in his soothing voice.
And in my mind I thought, “Yes! Let’s get on to it already!” but really I had to take a moment to prepare myself for what i’m about to hear or not hear. What if I was just a crush to Harry for only a couple months after I left? What if he really did forget me, and those pictures were just a memory? What if Harry doesn’t love me? If I go through those doors, and I don’t hear one of Harry’s solos, I’ll be humiliated. I’ll cry of rejection after all these years I wasted remembering him; loving him. The tour guy, I think his name was Chris, was understanding enough to let us gather ourselves before we go out there. None of us said anything, Chris just kind of knew. He knew what we were going through. He witnessed us cry over these boys as we walked through their wings. But finally, when we all adjusted ourselves, Chris raised his eyebrows and said, “Ladies? Are you ready?” and we all took a deep breath almost in unison, and nodded. I did so closing my eyes to practice holding the tears I know I will let waterfall down my face anyway. Then finally, he said “Okay, here we go.” and with that, opened one of the huge doors with a security guard’s help on the other side. I felt a gust of wind hit my face, and it snaps my eyes wide open.
And I see… everything. Literally everything. The remains of the plane are still crushed against the ground. The whole scene is closed in by a glass dome for protection. I see ripped seats, broken glass, burned materials. The seats the boys were killed on the spot, and there was no way they were running about on the plane. These boys suffered a death in a plane seat. No wonder these seats are labeled with their names.
Somehow, Harry’s name is the first to catch my eye. It was the first thing I saw before I examined the whole scene. Without thinking, I began to slowly walk toward it. This moment will prove whether Harry loves me or not.
I take a deep breath before I stand right before his torn seat, half burned. I remain silent. A moment passes where all five of us are silent. I don’t hear anything. He never loved me. I never thought i’d find out like this. I stare right at the seat where his name was sown in, and a tear drops down my face. And that’s when I heard it.
“If we could only have this life for one more day; if we could only turn back time”
I was in shock. The sound of his voice was so faint. I could barely hear it. Of course, I didn’t hear the music, but the sound of his voice was music enough. There was a slight silence where I had to myself to cry. Then I heard his voice again.
“And well there must have been a time, I was the reason for that smile. So keep in mind.”
Again. It was very faint. Almost inaudible. But I can recognize his voice anywhere. And those lyrics, were completely right. He was the reason for my smile. I really loved Harry, he made me so happy, even just thinking about him put a smile on my face instantly. Right when I thought it was over, I heard his voice again, this time, a little bit louder.
“All that you want is under your nose. You should open your eyes but they stay close. What you want, what you need has been right here. I can see that you’re holding back those tears.”
And that’s when I broke down. I began sobbing uncontrollably and gave up trying to stop it. He is all I want and he is what I need. And to think all those years before he was famous, he was literally a train ride away. I knew he was there, I don’t know why I was scared. All these years, I could have been with Harry. Once more, I hear his angelic voice.
“Under the lights tonight, you turned around and you stole my heart with just one look. When I saw your face, I fell in love. It took a minute girl, to steal my heart tonight. I waited for a girl like you. Stay here tonight, because there’s so much that I want to say.”
I never really realized the first time we’ve ever talked, that his face lit up at his first sight of me. How many of his solos am I going to hear? Not that I’m complaining, I’ve waiting much too long to hear his voice again. At this point I’m literally sobbing, I lower myself down to the ground because standing suddenly took too much effort.
“Shot me out of the sky, you’re my kryptonite. You keep making me weak, frozen and can’t breathe. You’ve got that one thing.”
One Thing was always my absolute favorite song because of Harry’s solo. It just sounded so perfect with every note he hit. And the meaning behind the lyrics, I have the one thing that can leave him absolutely breathless. If another one of his solos plays, I swear. I won’t be able to handle myself.
“I had to take you and make you mine, whatever it takes its fine. I wont be leaving until I finish stealing every piece of your heart. I’m only here because you stole my heart.”
He’s gone because he loved me. That’s not true. He’s always loved me. If he didn’t, I wouldn’t be hearing his voice. Like the rumour has it, “only the ones he loved can hear him.” But the lyrics are wrong. If I never loved him, I wouldn’t be here. If anything, I should be the one saying those lyrics. I’m only here because he stole my heart.
I wait for anymore of his voice to whisper in my ear like they have slowly for the past five minutes. At last, I hear very very faintly, “I love you, Natalie.” which made the tears downpour my cheeks. It was said so faintly, I think I almost hallucinated it. But the voice has such substance to it, almost like he was softly whispering it into my ear.
This day has showed me to trust my first instinct. If I just had taken that train back to Holmes Chapel, no matter how many years have passed, I would have had the best relationship with Harry. Just by the sound of his voice, I could tell he was watching over me. I’m so lucky, so blessed, to have Harry Styles as my guardian angel.
I love you so much, Harry. I love you.
This is the end of our tour. This is the finale. This is the moment of truth. As soon as those big doors open, the girls and I instantly go into our own little worlds. I would know because I made my own. I instantly forgot that there were people around me. I just took everything in. This is how Niall died? Things are burned? What happened.
As I walk closer to the actual remains of the plane itself, I find Niall’s assigned seat that has his name sown into the head rest. I immediately hear a faint whisper, I turn around thinking it’s one of the girls, but why would she sing to me,
“It hurts me to think that you’ve ever cried.”
Once I find that no one is behind me, that’s when I knew. I was hearing one of Niall’s solo. I didn’t know this was the spot where he died. But that makes sense. None of them would be fooling around when the plane is in emergency. All passengers are asked to sit in their seats. It breaks my heart to think Niall and the boys had to suffer a tragic death this way. But those lyrics have a meaning to me now, than ever before. He always knew when I was even the slightest bit upset in and out of lessons. When we hung out, I would have this great mood that put a smile on his face, but when I was down, he almost mimicked my emotions. It’s like we had the same feelings, or playing a game of fallow the leader. It hurts him to think that I’ve ever cried? Oh, Niall!
“I wanna take you and make you mine. Whatever it takes it’s fine.”
Another solo? With just as much emotion and meaning as the last one? He always went out of my way to make me happy, there’s no surprise there that he would do anything to make me his. If only I knew that Niall loved me when we were in school. But we kept touch for a few months after I left. Maybe it was too painful for him to ever let me go, so his only solution was to drop me completely. Even though, his solution was more painful than the actual situation. I would have been Niall’s in a heartbeat. That’s all it took.
“Yes I like the way you smile with your eyes. Other guys see you but don’t realize that it’s my, my loving. There’s something about your laugh that it makes me want to have to, there’s nothing funny so we laugh at no-no-nothing.”
There was never a moment where my smile didn’t touch my eyes. That’s how happy I always was. Because when I was younger, I thought I only get this life once, this easy life. That I should make it the best, and smile when I can. I always smiled back then. And since I was french, it was different from the Irish in all the girls. I was well liked that year by the boys. But Niall claimed me as his. I just think that’s adorable. Niall’s laugh was always contagious, even if it was just a giggle, it always made me laugh. And whenever I laughed, he would laugh harder, and after about five minutes of laughing like idiots, we realized we had nothing to laugh at. Niall and I always had that little connection. That was something I really admires about our friendship.
“Now I’m climbing the walls but you don’t notice at all that im going out of my mind all day and all night.”
Niall was always a really loud and outgoing guy, but when it was just us in a little group of friends hanging out, he got quieter and I would notice he would keep looking at me and smiling. He was always really cute that way. I really really liked him when we were kids, it sometimes even drove me crazy. I never knew that he was going out of his mind for me. But that just makes me love him even more.
“Close the door, throw the key, don’t wanna be reminded, don’t wanna be seen. Don’t wanna be without you. My judgment’s clouded, like tonight’s sky.”
Together, he and I did the weirdest, yet most normal things. And he often made the moment last, which is what I loved most about him. He would never ask when we’re going home, or what time it was, he just always wanted to have a good time with his friends. And clearly, me, because looking back on all of our memories we shared for that one school year, he always wanted to be near me. The closer he was, the bigger the smile on his face. And that just makes my heart melt. And after I left, he couldn’t get it in my head that I was really back in France—for good. Oh, Niall! I can only imagine how crazy he went after I never came back.
“If I’m louder, would you see me? Would you lay down, in my arms and rescue me? Because we are, the same. You saved me; when you leave it’s gone again.”
Like I said before, I was different from the other girls in Mullingar. I was well liked by the boys. I feel so bad because now, I realize that I got a lot of attention from the boys, and barely had enough for Niall to concentrate on him. But I felt bad just throwing away all the other boys, that’s rude. But now I feel so guilty putting Niall through that. I did notice Niall, yeah we hung out a lot, but every where I went, I was noticed by at least two or three other guys in Mullingar. Gosh, I feel so bad! I’ve lost Niall. He’s not coming back.
“Words will be just words, until you bring them to life.”
This solo, however, I hear louder than the others. Did this one have more meaning? I realized throughout the other solos that each word told a story that was supposed to explain our lives together. But this, I can’t seem to make a connection to it. Words, are just words, until they become real. Becaue once they’re alive, they’re real. Is he talking about saying he loves me? I get it now, he always had thought and said that he loves me, but now that I’m here and I am able to hear his solos, the love is alive.
Niall Horan, I’m so sorry I left. I never ever wanted to go back to France because then I was away from you. Niall, I love you.
The second I walk through the doors, I lost it. It took everything I had to stop the tears, but it just wasn’t worth it. My cheeks were already stained from the previous tears. Might as well cry until it’s out of my system, which I doubt will ever happen.
I immediately lock my eyes at the sight of Louis’ name on the head piece of the chair. I read it over nad over again trying to bring him back into my life. To make him stand before me as if nothing ever happened. I’m a total wreck when someone I really care about passes. It’s so hard to cope with Lou gone. Even if I was in denial for the past month, seeing his childhood and his memories in that building… it broke me. It made me realize he was really gone.
“I want to save you; I want you save your heart tonight. He’ll only break you, leave you torn apart.”
In a hushed tone, I hear one of Lou’s solos. I almost forgot about the whole confirmed rumour. Are these lyrics supposed to mean something? Supposed to tell me something? Is he speaking about himself? He doesn’t need to save me. Yes, he left me torn apart and broken, but he doesn’t need to save me. I just need to know that he’s watching over me as my guardian angel, that’s how he can save me. He can guide me through life. Stand beside me wherever I go and whatever I come across. I don’t think I should be sad about this, this can be a great thing. I am protected by probably the best man on earth, even if he’s not physically here. I know he’s here.
“I know your heart has been broken, but don’t you give up. I’ll be there, yeah, I know it, you fix you with love.”
Losing Louis and actually knowing that he’s gone and won’t come back absolutely breaks me. But I should be happy. Lou’s here with me to help me get through this tough time. Louis will give me signs to show me that everything is going to be okay. Lou gave me this stuffed elephant to remember him by whenever he’s not with me, and to give it a squeeze. I know for the next, God knows how long, I’ll remember the guy that gave me that elephant. After all, no one can ignore the elephant in the room.
“It’s all that I can think about, oh, you’re all that I can think about.”
He even told me that I was always on his mind. He gets me tickets to come to his concerts, and he sings to me with such emotion, such passion, it’s almost hard to forget about him. Not like I ever will, but I think now more than ever I really cherish the moments I had with Louis. He was always all I ever thought about. He as always on my mind. From his cheekiest moments, to his most romantic ones, he never left my mind. I’m just worried that I’ll reach a mental state of denial. I don’t want to keep thinking about him and waiting for the day he comes back, because that won’t happen. But as of now, he’s the only subject on my mind.
“Hands are silent, voices numb. I try to scream out my lungs, it makes this harder. And the tears stream down my face.”
This time his voice is a little louder, closer in my ear. Either that or I’m concentrated more on it. It’s almost as if he’s speaking as me. The second I heard the tears stream down my face, that was always my favorite line of More Than This, and Louis knows that. Maybe that’s why he used it out of his multiple solos. I try to scream out to him and I wait for an answer, but there’s nothing. The thought of that sends the tears down my cheeks and my neck and just all over.
“Something’s got to give now, because I’m dying just to know your name. And I need you here with me now, because you’ve got that one thing.”
I instantly go back to the first time we ever met. How I looked at him and I instantly knew. I just knew that we would have something special that would be indescribable. Just the way his smile glowed, his eyes twinkled, and the way his hair just flowed, it all just made my body cover up in goosebumps—the good kind, the ones that get you excited. And from that, I just knew that Louis would be a special person to me. He is literally the male version of me, as the boys compare us. And his voice, “Hi, I’m Louis.” It just fit him so perfectly. He has the one thing that I can’t even name, but I know that there’s something there that makes us mesh so well together.
“Up, up and away, I’ll take you with me.”
One day. I know one of these days when I grow old, and it’s my time, Lou will take me up there to heaven where we will be reunited. Knowing Louis, that day won’t be soon. Everything he wanted for himself, he wanted for me too. He always wished me the best even without saying it. One thing I know he always wanted, was to live his life to the fullest. He never wanted to die young. And I know he wants the same for me. And he will help me through that. Life’s a climb, but Louis’ my rope.
I listen for another solo, or another word, whisper, anything. But nothing. But I was okay with that. It was silent, but a comfortable silence. I felt so safe and so comfortable being where I was. It felt like Louis was sitting right next to me. Things haven’t changed completely. I know Lou is here with me. I am so blessed to have a guy that viewed life in such a way that made it seem not so bad watch over me.
I absently glance over the chair, and I find something shining from with in the unburned fabrics of the chair. I can’t help but stare at it, was it just from the water filling up my eyes? No, it had texture. I reach for it, and pick it up. ….It’s a gorgeous ring. Was this an engagement ring? Louis and I rarely talked about marriage, but we never thought it was going to happen so soon, oh my. Louis was going to propose.
I clutch the ring in my hand and hold it up against my chest and cry silently.
I love you, Louis Tomlinson.
The first thing I thought of when the doors was, “Wow, this is it.” I finally realized that this was the moment I find out if Liam Payne loves me. I have the worst butterflies in my stomach, the ones he always gave me, so I think that’s a good thing.
Without thinking, I walk straight to the open plane and the half burned seats. I don’t even know if these had anything to do with the boys. But something just came over me and guided me toward it. With each step I felt another tear begin to slide down my cheek. This seat has some connection toward Liam, I know it. I reach out my hand to flip it over, and I felt a spark of… something, go through my whole body. And then I see it, “Liam Payne” sown into the head of the seat. Liam died in this chair. My whole body cringes with the shivers that run right through me.
“I’m broken, do you hear me? I’m blinded because you are everything I see. I’m dancing alone. I’m praying that your heart will just turn around. And as I walk up to your door, my head turns to face the floor because I can’t look you in the eyes and say that when he opens his arms and holds you close tonight, it just won’t feel right, because I can love you more than this.”
…Was that it? Is that Liam? The texture in his voice is different than the one on the album, he sounds so real. Like he’s singing with such emotion, and passion. Like he’s concentrated on singing to me. What did those lyrics mean though? That he loves me? Well, of course he did, what am I saying. I’m hearing his solo. Tears of joy and pure happiness race down my already stained cheeks, at the fact that Liam loves me. But why hasn’t he told me? Why did he hide it for so long?
“From the moment I met you, everything changed. I knew I had to get you, whatever the pain. I would walk through the desert, I would walk down the aisle, I would swim all the oceans, just to see you smile.”
He always had this charm to always make me smile. When I see him on the television, I smile like a little girl in the candy store, because that’s what he makes me feel like. He makes me feel so happy. He doesn’t have to do much to make me smile like the complete idiot I am. But I’m happy with the time we’ve spent together. I’m happy I knew him when I did, because I don’t regret anything. His death wasn’t my fault, and had nothing to with me. And I don’t regret ever leaving him or losing touch with him. I feel so bad for Natalie, Adora, and Ashley. They knew the boys for a very short time, and didn’t get to really grow with the fame like Eleanore and I.
But I need to stop wasting my time thinking about the other girls, this is the only time I really get to remember and be with Liam.
“The light shines, it’s getting hot on my shoulder. I don’t mind, this time it doesn’t matter because your friends look good but you look better. Don’t you know all night, I’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come around. I’m weaker, my words fall and they hit the ground. Oh, life, come on ahead, don’t you fail me now. I start to say, ‘I think I love you,’ but I make no sound. You know because all my live, I’ve been waiting for a girl like you to come around.”
Oh, Liam. These lyrics are definitely telling me a story, the story of us. I never realized when he sang these at the concerts, that it had such meaning to our relationship. I’ve loved Liam for a long time now, and I was eager to just say it, but I didn’t want to embarrass myself and come out with it, and he not feel the same way. Liam’s a very conservative guy, he takes things slowly. Yes, he took our relationship seriously, but I didn’t want it to be just another relationship to him. I don’t know what I was thinking. But now I know why Liam waited so long. He was waiting for a girl like me to come around. And he wanted to make sure I was the one before he told me he loved me.
“You know I’ve always got your back girl, so let me be the one you come running to. I say this is just matter of fact girl. You just call my name, I’ll be coming through.”
Liam was always there for me. He would sometimes call me out of the blue just to see if I was doing okay. And I loved him for that; I loved him for so many reasons. But now I feel this invisible shield that acts almost like a hug, could this be Liam? I think he’s my guardian angel. I take too many things to heart, but he is my most prized possession. I am so lucky, to have Daddy Direction himself as my guardian angel. I am so blessed.
Thank you, Liam Payne, for being there even if you were physically or not. I will always love you.
Tears pouring down my face like they have this whole tour, almost. From the other girls and their connections to these boys, to standing before the last seat Zayn has ever sat upon. His chair has the most damage from the look of the other chairs that the girls are standing around. His is all torn, and burned, and it just makes me so sad to think Zayn, the love of my life, had to die that way. It’s really heartbreaking. Just like when that summer vacation of his came to an end, and we had to part. It was hard keeping touch since he was so far away. But I always stayed up to date with his life; he’s famous, I can’t help it!
“And you have always been the only one I wanted, and I wanted you to know that without you I can’t face it. All we wanna have is fun but they say that we’re too young, but let them say what they want.”
Every word I heard softly almost in my ear, was not to the beat of the actual song. He just said the words as if he was reading me a letter her wrote. Zayn may not know this, but my mother didn’t want me hanging out with him. She said I was too young to have a boyfriend, and that if I start to like him, I’ll be really hurt when he leaves, because he lives across seas. But he’s right, he’s all I wanted. And he’s all I still want! We had the best summer ever together, even if he was away from his family, he told me, and I’ll never forget, “I live with them, this is my only chance to see you as much as I can see them. They can wait.” that was the moment I fell in love with Zayn Malik.
“I’ll be here by your side, no more fears, no more crying. But if you walk away, I know I’ll fade, because there is nobody else. Can we try one more time? I’ll make it all better?”
Yes, Zayn, I know you’re here with me to assure me that everything is going to be okay. I think of you every time I look at my bracelet. It means the world to me. I just wish he never had to leave so our summer fling would turn into something real. Something I can relate to Danielle and Eleanore with. I just want him back so we can try another time to change things to make it better. It’s almost like those lyrics were written to be said to me. To connect to us.
“Flashing lights in my mind, going back to the time we’re playing games in the street, kicking balls with my feet. There’s a numb in my toes, standing close to the edge. And a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed. As I feel myself fall, make a joke of it all.”
I can’t help but smile when I think back to that summer. I showed him around town and he knew it almost like the back of his hand. And I will never forget that morning when Zayn and I woke up in my room and how mad his mom’s voice mail was, wow she was pissed. But I remember Zayn and I literally laughing about it and blowing it all over. I still have his hoodie that he gave me hanging up in my closet. That was the same night he crashed at my house. We were at the peer and it was oddly cold, and I was trying to cover up my shivers, and the next thing I knew, he was wrapping his jacket around me leaving him in his tshirt. I will never forget that.
“Thank you for showing me who you are underneath. No, thank you, I don’t need another heartless misery. You think I’m doing this to make you jealous, and I know that you hate to hear this, but this is not about you anymore.”
No, thank you for showing me what a first love can feel like. He was my first love, and technically my only love. The few boyfriends I had between that summer and today were nothing even close to what Zayn and I had. And I’m very grateful for that. I normally don’t open up so quickly to new people, but something about Zayn just made me feel so comfortable around him, like I can trust him with anything. That’s the best feeling in the world.
“There’s is no other place that I would rather be than right here with you tonight. As we lay on the ground I put my arms around you, and we can stay here tonight. Because there’s so much I want to say.”
I know for a fact that tonight I’m going to fall asleep in his hoodie so it’s almost like his arms are around me. I haven’t grown much since that summer, I was always a short and petite girl, the hoodie definitely still fits me. There’s so much from that summer that was left unsaid. One month was not enough to fit in all the feelings I had toward him. I could tell he felt the same way. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have gotten these matching bracelets. I would love a reunion with Zayn, he and I can talk for hours, days even.
Oh, Zayn. Zayn Malik. I can’t say it enough. I love you. I love you I love you I love you!
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