Hill

21 - ASPD/NPD

[1xsantana]

No one understands how suffocating it feels to have ASPD & feel so isolated no matter where you are or what you’re doing.

Theres a disconnect thats involuntarily, at times I wish I were able to deeply connect & be closer to people but I can’t. I can’t help but feel nothing but a suffocating boredom that consumes me whole, seeing people connect and have fun with one another will always be such a heavy isolating feeling that I don’t think anyone will ever understand.

[1xsantana]

I feel triggered more than ever, for the past couple of years l've worked on "perfecting" my mask. I know no one would ever tolerate or accept my anti social traits, people cannot process or accept that someone lacks empathy & regard for people, and for that reason l've masked most of my life.

Most things I do are performative, pretending to be like others just to fit in & to be viewed as a decent person, I used to have people in my life who I didn't need to pretend for but I burnt those bridges by my true nature & impulsivity and so I truly have no one now, I feel a strong sense of agitation and emptiness as the boredom consumes me whole.

[1xsantana]

Part of me with my ASPD & NPD feels almost child like, wanting to be deeply loved & cared for but I don’t know what that looks like yet I seek it but I don’t trust the universe or anyone and anything so I end up hyper independent and self serving to avoid being vulnerable, because vulnerability is a weakness.

[1xsantana]

People think my lack of empathy & restricted emotional range makes me unable to understand feelings or emotions but yet I still understand how they work better than most people.

It’s not that I’m blunt or cruel because I can’t understand your feelings & emotions, it’s simply because most of the time I don’t care and don’t find them relevant unless it benefits me somehow.

[1xsantana]

I finally got to travel, yet im beyond bored.

But hey at least the view is nice ig idk.

[1xsantana]

As someone wASPD I don’t believe people understand what I mean when I say my boredom is insufferable.

Most people hearing me say im bored think I just don’t have anything to do at the moment but it’s not that, even in things that should be “exciting” are boring. It’s a continuous endless of being under stimulated no matter what I do, and anything risky only brings me a rush that lasts mere seconds & disappears as fast as it came, an endless cycle for all of eternity.

[1xsantana]

Masking majority of your life makes you lose a part of self identity, l often ask myself do l even have a real personality anymore?

But then again, when im not deprived of my true nature I know exactly who I’ve always have been.

[1xsantana]

It’s funny to me that the most understanding people have always lacked empathy, meanwhile the most misunderstanding people are so called empaths.

[1xsantana]

Does anyone with ASPD feel as if therapy is pointless?

To begin, l've been going to therapy for a while now for my ASPD & covert NPD however I feel as for my ASPD traits/symptoms it's no use im already "high functional" and so working with my therapist on some issues it feels almost as she is trying to damage control certain aspects of my life rather than to help me. Im being thought things like how to relate to others, or positive interactions and it feels pointless because I already do this on a daily basis when masking.

With my covert narcissism I do feel a rather positive change and I do feel as if I can now handle things better without having a narc injuries, and it has lead me to think a lot more about my actions, I do believe it has helped me process "emotions" more healthy rather than defaulting to my maladaptive behaviors.