i'm really tryna get off my other social media, mainly instagram, bc i be in my close friends yapping like a mf, not that much lately as i've just been super busy with work and fucking playing scrabble go, but before? boiiiii, i feel like people don't need to know that much about what i'm thinking? at the same time that's like classic me, but i don't feel i'm sharing anything of interest currently. that's probably not accurate. i am just trying to minimize my online presence though as i step into this journey of returning to my proper state of health, gotten too far from the path. nibbled on some meat for a christmas tradition related to my culture and i may have had some more nibbles after that, made me feel really bad about myself and i don't like to feel bad about myself, so i'm looking to do a full blown detox essentially for maybe 2-4 weeks that way it's the ultimate reset. doing that has had me more fatigued than usual and it's overwhelming as someone that's like the energizer bunny naturally. but yeah looking forward to cleaning up my act. found some really great natural recommendations and after one or two more purchases of seamoss, i'm going to begin making my own. excited too because i have a bunch of dried fruit i can add to it, also the leftover pulp from when i make my juices !!! so fun.
yeah plus pretty sure no one i know in real life knows i have this account and if they do, if you do and are reading this, you're real life buggginggg dawg, like why you so obsessed with me?
just wanted to get some thoughts off my chest and i've been painting for the entire morning so i don't really feel like writing this one in my journal, plus i'm still saving space to write j cole lyrics in there, even though he dropped them on apple music (great way for me to really learn the lyrics, and also just test my brain, yk?) older i get i gotta do activities that keep my brain functioning proper, got back into sudoku recently but i want to do the actual paperback book ones that way if i fuck up i can erase it and there's not a bright red light flashing at me telling me i'm wrong. yeah, never really learned if there's a particular technique to doing sudoku, i just know the basic instruction so this is me looking to get better, everything done by hand is better anyways, minus this current moment.
bro, cole's album is sooooo phenomenal, everlasting, covers all the bases i think. just can't stop listening to it man. it has me feeling all kinds of feelings like i keep having conversations with myself like is this song intended to invoke these certain things i'm feeling? don't know if i like it lol na it's been fine but it has me thinking about a lot of stuff. has me reminiscing on the life i once wanted. had me almost look someone up i shouldn't be looking up for a split second, but i snapped right back. "The Let Out" tho has me really thinking about my club days forrreaaaalllllll, we really used to shut that hoe down, every damn weekend omg and there def used to be some scary times. can't believe i used to be out here living like that hahaha really had some fun, grateful for that because no way i could see myself doing that now at my age. yeah i still go out but shutting down the club????? the club in general???? has to be a real special occasion or my cousin finally wants to dress up hehehehe we do have fun club nights!!!! there's some songs where i think "damn miss having a person!!!!!" but then when i think that i just say to myself he's talking about hip hop (even tho i know certain ones he is and others he isnt) bc naaaaaa aint nooooo way i can't send this song to my boo!!!!! and that beat transition on bombs in the ville/hit the gas GYAT DAMN seriously, i'm actually addicted. like if i'm on my deathbed just start it at 1:16 and let it play, i'ma be back to life instantly
i got mad shit on my mind right now lmfao this definitely reads maddd sporadic and random, gonna be funny to read this back 10 months from now
think me and jazzy are done doing the do, boooo. but also that's kind of a relief because i just don't wanna have sex with him anymore, like no shade or anything to him, dick is big, he had me going crazy last time buuuuuuuttttttt there's literally no connection, like we don't even kiss or anything beforehand, it's kinda awkward, i have to take two shots before going over there just to kill the awkwardness lmfao and i'm currently not drinking (woah 12 days sober) so no way i'm going over there. last time i didn't even give him head because i don't even like doing that anymore. especially with someone that won't even kiss me!!!!!! the helly? this other dude tryna get me to go out with him but i feel like he might be crazy because i be leaving dawg on read ode and he keeps popping back up. like even after a month of not talking lmfao. he even said he gets it and he'll back off but he hasn't, he dead texted me this morning about how i left his dick videos on seen but how he still wanna take me out but how could i trust that? you mean take me out like push me over the bridge or sum rightttttt lmfao cause that's all i'm thinking he do got a pretty dick but i'm just not in the mood for dick these days. nothing to do with how i look, because i have gained weight and been feeling a little self-conscious about it but at the same time i don't even mind, keeps me warm, but really because the fuck i look like fucking someone that aint doing shit for me? but damn i miss it, i fucking loveeeeeeee sex ugh but i gotta have some got damn boundaries forreal, im not 17 anymore. also the dudes i been fucking are getting dangerously close to being in the same circle and i don't like that one bit, but i'm lowkey living out younger me's dreams lmfaooooooo crazy how that works
i feel like i had some more thoughts to share but i guess not, still kinda early in the day, gonna go take a nice shower and do my hair up, roll a fat one and go for a walk, grab a quick bite and snap some snow picds
oh i wanted to talk about my not drinking currently. i know that my weight gain is also due to drinking more than i need to be. the thing is i don't drink every day or even that often but when i do i find that i'm overdoing it and that's a problem. am i an alcoholic? idk maybe? i don't have thoughts where i need to have a drink with everything i do, i don't wake up and think about it, i don't even like drinking liquor all that much, its easy to grab a wine cooler from the store and thats it, but its the way that i've been acting lately while drinking like there's something on my mind that i need to get off but can't find the way to do it until i drink and i don't like that. so basically i'm cool on drinks for the time being, i'm not saying this is forever but i'm also not saying that, who knows what the future holds in regards to this. i could find i like my life a lot much more without it, i may dabble socially, i may have a drink tomorrow lol sike because i have work and i'm looking forward to trying an at home workout, maybe see if there's a cycling class since i'm off on friday, i can do a late night one. but yeah, just wanted to document that. 12 days sober fr, but i do be chief keefing it up, not ode, like max 3 mini j's on a day off, that's probably like 2gs lol
ohhhh and i'm looking to teach myself how to use a turntable, for fun tho- you won't see me out at public records spinning thursday night jazz lol just an attendee, it is something i enjoy though and wanna play around with sounds and music, such a homebody these days this would be a great way to spend time. that and i want to learn how to make jewelry!!! these are going to be my two creative projects for 2026
feeling really vibrationally high !!!! i should get some aura pics taken, need to get a reading done soon as well and just ask about general things coming my way and what my career is looking like in the next five years. i have so many thoughts in my head concerning that and all positive. there are options and i'm grateful to be presented with them all.
also this is a great way for me to practice my typing skills again because ever since my mac went down i haven't been writing anything at all and that's been almost two years now, you know you lose skills when you don't work on them. i've been typing looking at the screen like 95 percent of this time and haven't messed up too bad, thank god.
life sentence by j cole playing in the background right now. damn. love this song, but whew the FEEEEELINGS are strong. "back when we was kids this was simple" real real simpler times. but life is a film that cannot be rewound, right? love how he puts his heart in the words
aight aight aight im done with this whole shpiel, i gotta go shower, i gotta go blast bombs in the shower!!!!!!
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