EXCERPT #140:
Hello. I hope somebody is listening.
[...]
Trust me when I say I wanted to insist, to keep her there and ask her all the questions Iâd had no one to throw at but myself. But before I could gather my thoughts, she reached up to cup my face with the palm of her hand and tilted her head, a bit like a curious bird.
My throat closed up inexplicably.
She said she had to go. She told me, âYouâre strong, Radio. Find happiness where you can and hold onto it.â Then, as mysteriously as I had laid eyes upon her, she disappeared. Just gradually faded as she walked away, until she was just a mirage in the bright sun, and I nearly doubted she had ever been here at all.
I can still feel her hand on my cheek, when I close my eyes.
[...]
February, my old friend, would you recognise me if I walked up to you in the middle of an empty street and laid my hand on your cheek? Would you know my eyes, would your skin recall my touch?
Thereâs an ache in my chest when I think of us, of the child you used to be. If I could, February, I would turn back the night sky to swim against the rushing of passing time until I reached you, and I would pull you out long before you left me. Watch the stars move backwards and know that to lose you is to love you.
I do not know why I am so certain I knew this self proclaimed old friend, nor why she seemed to know me. I do not know why I want to trust her. My every instinct should be to do the exact opposite of what she told me, but I have a gut feeling that she truly means the best for me and Adhil and Adhafera. If the City has taught me anything, itâs to trust my guts.
You were the first to tell me to trust myself, February, do you remember? It was a long time ago now, but it meant everything to me back then. To be seen, to be acknowledged by you, to be told that my feelings were guides to follow and not monsters to cageâŚ
I know, I have been quite reticent of sharing my feelings lately. The City has that effect on me. It just⌠makes me feel like I should be holding up a shield at all times, and now that shield is starting to rust in place. Behind it is what I treasure most, February.
I cannot let the City take my memories for itself. Theyâre all I have left of you.
