Cant’ believe I have not got even time to do any of my journaling in 2 weeks. It was really crazy time. Lots of things happen, both works, relationships, friends, passions, hobbies and my mental health.
I still have an offer to work in Hanoi for V and should be there on 9th Dec, based on the offer but somehow the manager thought that I’m going to be there on 26th Nov and she looked disappointed knowing that I can’t arrange to be there on 2nd Dec. I’m also trying to do it, but really want to stay more time in Sai Gon to see any other possibilities. I really felt better here and just thinking about moving back to Hanoi kind of make me sick. Few interviews are still on going and hold for a while, I don’t like the feeling of working for Vingroup at all to be honest. Moving back to Hanoi, renting new apartment, working like hell for the first period of time, being far away from Saigon’s friends who have just met, breathing the toxic environment out there again, all those things are so unattractive. But I know after all, my son is missing me a lot.
I really enjoy the salsa event hosted by O and I made some friends there. From the day I met both O and M, everything changed a lot. I enjoy that latin dance and would like to spend more time on it, I met Max who dances very well and we spent time practicing the dance together. He is a good friend, knowing the boundaries I set and respect it but still maintaining our dance. I met Jam, who dances also well but then got back to Hanoi and was also an interesting person. I love dancing so much and never in my life could experience that feeling of being full filled like this moment. I had one dinner with Max and figured out he is a very kind and keen on learning behind that face of a killers, however I believe he got trouble with emotions because he seemed annoyed after I canceled the dance 2nd time when I was in the hospital. We had a nice dinner in the D1 steakhouse decorated in Xmas season, talking about plan for the year end and both had no plan for the future, but both enjoyed every current moment of our lives. Max and I want to start creating some new event together and If I had more time here, I would be very happy doing it with passion. Getting away from Saigon is getting harder because I have just started loving this city, then it is time to go back to Hanoi. Also, O is going to stop the class because he seemed upset with the fact that people are not getting there seriously the way he expected, and guessed that people are not respecting it because he is giving out free of charge. I have that feeling about free of charge good thing already, but he is just too old to listen to me from the first time I told him. However, I felt he really appreciated me when he talked to his sister about me and how helpful I was to him.
My relationship with M was getting more serious than I thought. We were very close; it was amazing intimacy moment and we were both happy about it. From the moment I mentioned with him my plan to move back to Hanoi until now, he still made up his mind on continuing our relationship and we would manage to see each other. He made me good pancake late after his working hours, was honest about his inability to sleep with other, was there at the hospital with me late at night taking care of me when I need him the most. The moment we were at the coffee shop when he told me that “don’t find another tây đẹp train he”, I felt a mix of both sadness and happiness and my tears have fallen down on my face again. I don’t know how long I will be in Hanoi, but once I got back there I need to prepare for at least few months long distance relationship with him. I think he is also an avoidant like me, because when we were talking about feelings, he is kind of avoiding when it is getting too emotional. But now I know that being loved the right and healthy way would heal a people and work on that unhealthy attachment style so I’m kind of getting some sense of what I can do about it. We both like each other a lot and don’t want to see other people at all. However, we are still early dating, and I’m still seeing other persons and I felt guilty about not letting him know about it. At the same time O kept telling me that he will look at how I settle down in Hanoi then to move there with me if things with me is getting serious in Hanoi. I don’t know somehow I don’t have a trust in these new relationships. I should have the trust, O was right, I really have trust issue and even at this moment there are so many good things going on, I still believe that good things don’t belong to me and it is just going to end in some way. It is a horrible thought, and I’m not feeling good at all today. I’m going to swimming pool today to help me relax a little bit, my life has just turned from a empty hole to a mess within a very short time… I need to calm me down and relax.
I’m thankful for the way Saigon has treated me with many good connections recently, the happiness, fulfilment it brings. I had a chance to do whatever I want to do in those last moments in this city, dating, dancing, being close with someone, building something together. Through up and downs, I’m still having people to rely on and don’t have to be so independent the way I was in the past. Those memories would be warming my soul up in my first lonely new days in Hanoi. During my mess of people, career opportunities and connections, I still earn some random money from an online meeting and still have some potential interviews to process until my last day in this city. Maybe all the door to stay here are not yet close, I still keep some hope that life would treat me fairly and no matter what happens would be always the way it should. I hope that in my last days here, I can bring my best self to people here until I’m still around.