Post Tuna Melt AU - Vodka, Roselana and Idiot Russians
Right after Shane and Rose officially get together Marley calls Svetlana and practically begs her to come talk to Roz because he has gone completely insane.
He is killing them at practice. Nobody is safe. They are all fairly certain Montreal Jane dumped him but every time someone tries to ask what happened Ilya looks at them like he is considering whether murder would affect his contract.
So Svetlana gets him alone forces the entire story out of him and then makes him walk her through the full Shane Hollander timeline.
And she absolutely tears him apart.
Because what exactly did Ilya expect?
He has spent years being avoidant, refusing to talk about his feelings and making it extremely clear that whatever he and Shane have is casual. Then the first time he brings Shane home and they don't fuck in a hotel or Shane's sex condo, he starts acting like they're lovers and then bringing up his and Svetlana's private sex life to figure out whether Shane might be gay??
Of course Shane was confused and panicked. Of course Shane went running toward the nice, uncomplicated woman who openly wanted to date him.
Congratulations, Rozanov. You played yourself.
Svetlana imposes an immediate sex ban until Ilya learns how to communicate like a human being. Then she steals Shane’s phone number and address from Ilya’s phone because she has decided that she and Montreal Jane are going to become friends and complain about stupid Russian men together.
She gives Shane approximately five minutes’ warning before showing up at his apartment with a bottle of Russian vodka.
The second he opens the door, she introduces herself, asks to come inside, and once the door closes offers him the vodka and her sincerest apologies for Ilya’s dickish behaviour.
She assures Shane that she has cut Ilya off. Even if his dick game is incredible. In fact she thinks she and Shane should compare notes, form an alliance, and conspire to make Ilya understand the error of his ways.
Shane is still standing there, completely stunned, when Rose rounds the corner and hears a strange Russian woman loudly discussing Shane and Ilya having gay sex.
Shane has a tiny little internal death spiral/panic attack because oh god, oh god, oh god, Rose knows, Rose knows, Rose knows. And Rose to her credit puts the pieces together in about three seconds and just goes “Oh. Okay. So you’re not straight.”
Svetlana is horrified because she genuinely forgot that Shane and Rose were dating. She starts apologizing, but Rose cuts her off and says Shane is not actually her first boyfriend who has also slept with men.
Apparently, she has a type.
Somehow this ends with Svetlana, Rose, and Shane drinking vodka on Shane’s couch and collectively bitching about Ilya.
Shane slowly, drunkenly accepts that he might actually be gay.
Rose laments that all her boyfriends keep turning out gay.
Svetlana suggests that perhaps Rose should stop dating boyfriends and try looking for a girlfriend instead.
Rose and Svetlana kiss.
They both like it.
Rose jokes that maybe she should dump Shane for Svetlana and Shane can make Ilya grovel before taking him back.
Svetlana thinks this is an excellent idea.
So, naturally, she drunkenly FaceTimes Ilya to show off her new girlfriend and inform him that Hollander will be joining their relationship as a third unless Ilya mans up and locks down the hottest ass in the NHL.
Then they hang up on him and all pass out together on Shane’s couch.
The next morning they wake up to Shane’s doorbell.
Its Ilya.
He is standing there with flowers, three Shane Hollander smoothie specials, painkillers, and Shane’s favourite stick tape.
He looks like he has not slept at all.
Svetlana takes one look at him and says, “Good. Now grovel.”
