GUILT TRIPPING @4004notfound - Tumblr Blog

권재준, 28 ⎯ intro / overview / background / pinterest

siah:

( ... ) A knock on her door disrupts her process mid-way. She swallows the upcoming curse, heading towards the source without a flinch. Even when there is a strand of hair poking out in an unflattering way and her face is too bare for comfort. "Hi Jaejun," Her voice doesn't betray her inner turmoil. Open and warm. Pulling the doorknob towards her to let the tall man pass, "Thanks for coming. I have some corn silk tea, would you like some?" Without waiting for his response, Siah heads to the kitchen. "Go to the living room. I left my laptop and all my stuff there." Said laptop is balancing on top of a pile of books, different sizes but all dog-eared and with broken spines and pouring love. Left stranded like an island where the ocean and its tides consists of crumbled pages and two empty containers of konjac jelly.

At twenty-eight years old, Jaejun has little to show for in terms of accomplishments. His musical career amounts to playing drums for a band that falls short of ever doing anything of significance, and a handful of gigs, filling in for drummers who either can't show or quit due to the lack of decent quality. It's destiny, probably. His grandfather wasn't worth the money it cost to lay him to rest, and Namgi is worth even less; failure is encoded in his DNA, a genetic quirk, so to speak.

Im Siah is different. Despite being in the same seeming abject failure of a band, Siah knows about success, or at least something adjacent to it. She at least has managed to get the fuck out of Seomri, which is more than most musicians in town can say, and nearly made it with an idol group, and even an idol group is still more than he or anyone else they know has managed to accomplish.

Still, failure finds her the same way it finds Jaejun, in the most vulnerable moments, and leads them back to square one. He ends up at her house on the odd night, just like he did in high school, to work on another self-produced solo project for Siah. They're ten years older now, tucked in the same sort of pathetic routine, though a less cynical part of him acknowledges that the music this time is at least marginally better, or at least has a better chance at success than any previous project they've played at.

Calloused knuckles rap hard at her door, and like always, she lets him in bare-faced and vulnerable, rattling off about something or other as he slips off his shoes and takes his place.

"I'd rather barley tea if you have it," Jaejun calls to the kitchen, not bothering to listen for a response. She'll give him the cornsilk tea, of course, and he'll drink it with no complaint as he always does because he's forgotten what he requested in the first place; it's all a part of the procedure of things.

Sitting on the floor, he begins the process: clicking around on her laptop, listening to snippets of what's been recorded. It's all synth-heavy and bordering on nonsensical, and too long for what's considered trendy these days. With collective attention spans shrinking, Jaejun wonders if she means to go against the flow or if she's yet to figure out what to phase out entirely. Pausing the song, he sits in tentative contemplation, trying to place his finger on just what he takes issue with.

"Why the fuck does your bass sound so chunky?" He calls out to Siah, settling on a criticism to take the lead with. "Whatever distortion you're using, it sounds like it belongs in a Luther Vandross song."

#⎯t: siah.#⎯t: one two three.

bitna:

( ... ) She gives him a frank look, sympathetic and nervous in half measures. “I’m sorry; feel free to leave it until your friend’s able to finish the job.” She can probably manage the pit of impending doom, though she fears her senior cat Cookie will have much to say about it to her in private. “I don’t want you to have to deal with someone else’s problem.” Because hasn’t he done that enough already?

It dawns on Jaejun belatedly that perhaps Joonki hasn't exactly given Bitna the whole story. The accident at work, the broken collarbone, the 8 weeks of healing, and the 6 months wait on strenuous work; it's all lost on Bitna. He runs his fingers through his hair and winces, thinking of what to say next.

It's obvious Bitna doesn't want him there; she's never liked him for reasons Jaejun can't begin to unpack, but still, there's a nagging portion of his conscience that sounds suspiciously like his mother's voice that's telling her he can't leave Bitna this way, even if it is what she wants.

"You know Joonki broke his collarbone, right? He's not going to be able to come and finish this for months."

He trails off a bit towards the end, mentally calculating how much work needs to be done, paired with the cost of materials. Joonki said something about Bitna being ‘fucking loaded’ and for a moment, Jaejun half considers overcharging her just because of her constant consternation, but guilt gnaws angrily at him as the thought crosses his mind. Perhaps not, Jaejun also heard that Bitna works in the Mayor's office, ergo, despite her lack of sense, she probably knows enough about what a proper rate ought to be.

"I'll fix the whole place for ₩150,000." It's a lowball, and there's a sizeable portion of him that wants to cringe as the words come out. But still, the angel on his shoulder tells him it's at least the decent thing to do. "You'll have to pay for materials, though. It looks like there's been some water damage on the subfloor, so I can only imagine what some of the wood looks like."

He tightens his jaw and waits for Bitna to pass her verdict. There's something about her gaze that makes him uneasy, like a stupid little boy waiting for his mother's critical assessment; bracing himself for a harsh onslaught.

"Though, if you don't want me. You could try Baek Sungil. He drinks a lot, and he's kind of slow, but he'd probably get the job done."

Eventually, he wants to add, but the admission feels too cruel. He wouldn't let Sungil build anything for his own family, but Bitna is entitled to her choices, no matter how undesirable.

#⎯t: bitna.#⎯t: bruises.

When Park Sihoo tells Jaejun his band is hot shit, Jaejun doesn't realize he means shit as in fucking awful, and by the time he does realize it's far too late to pull out as their stand in drummer. He tries to keep good spirits initially, even though the bassist misses too many notes to ignore and the keyboardist can't keep time seemingly. But when Sihoo's girlfriend comes up to the microphone and opens her mouth, any hope Jaejun has for a halfway passable show flies out the window.

He supposes it's not the worst way he could spend a night. He could be sitting home, or at The Wheat Barrel, spending money he ought to be saving, but a single discordant note sets Jaejun on edge, and by the end of the set, there's an ache in Jaejun's jaw from clenching so much. He'll block Sihoo's number after this, he thinks, lest Sihoo get the bright idea to invite Jaejun to play for him and his shit band again.

The audience seems to be just as relieved as Jaejun when the last chord plays. There's little applause, just the murmur of conversation filling the void of silence. Making his way off the stage expeditiously, Jaejun makes a beeline for the bar; he needs a drink, and he needs a cigarette desperately, anything to make up for the last thirty minutes of public embarrassment. But there's a turning in his gut when he spots a man sitting by the last empty seat at the bar. In the lowlight, he looks like Kwon Namgi, too much like Kwon Namgi for Jaejun's liking.

"You fucking bastard," Jaejun calls out to the man as his steps increase in speed, and before he realizes it, Jaejun's standing next to the man, fists clenched and jaw set. But up close, Jaejun finds there's little of Namgi staring back at him; the eyes are the wrong color, so is the nose, the skin is too young, and the hair too full. This is not his father, just an innocent bystander, no doubt wondering why Jaejun's so close so suddenly.

"Oh.”Jaejun says meekly, “Sorry." Taking the open seat, eyes trained straight ahead in an effort to retain what little pride he has tonight. Little has gone his way tonight: the band is shit, the pay is mediocre, and now he's screamed at some stranger, hallucinating his father's face in the man's place. Jaejun wonders if maybe he's starting to crack, just a bit, or maybe it's just this night. "

Ordering a beer on the band's tab, he taps his finger against the smooth wood of the bar, his mind drifting back to the man next to him. The face feels familiar somehow and yet completely foreign at the same time. Out of the corner of his eye, he glances again, trying to place the face to a name, but blanks only form in Jaejun's mind.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" He finally asks, turning to face the man and look at him properly once more. "I'm sorry, you just seem really familiar."

HANG THE DJ | ft. @anagnorizein

#⎯t: jaehee.#⎯t: hang the dj.

The floors look like shit. Jaejun rubs a hand over his face and sighs loudly, just to make his exasperation palpable. This is supposed to be an easy job, or at least Joonki swore it would be an easy job that would take no more than an afternoon.

Most of the wood was good and intact, according to Joonki; only a few spots where the floor was weak needed to be replaced. But as Jaejun looks at a largely exposed subfloor, he starts to wonder what the fuck goes through Byeon Bitna's head. She's just as pretty as she always had been, but now as gaze travels slowly from the subfloor to her face and back again, he finds himself wondering if she's blessed for looks to make up for her lack of good sense.

"Did you want to get a head start on the floors, or do you not like the parquet?" He tries to keep his voice somewhat even and calm, if at least not to confirm her preconceived notions about Jaejun and his temper, but there is a sharp edge of indignation coloring his words.

Scratching his chin, he assesses the damage once more. At least the planks, for the most part, are left in relatively good condition, even if most of them have no business being lifted from the floor in the first place. The subfloor looks good, too; dry and undamaged. It'll take the rest of the weekend, but it's not an impossible fix⎯ just fucking annoying.

"How much were you gonna pay Joonki for this?" He asks, trying to determine if it's enough money for him to push his ego and irritation aside. "To fix this and do the rest of your floor is going to take all weekend, just so you know."

BRUISES | ft. @bergamor

#⎯t: bitna.#⎯t: bruises.

hi hyein's mun back at it again with my second chara kwon jaejun. i've got his bg and stats here but like before this is sort of just filling in the blanks of his bg and personality sections along with some potential plots. if you're interested in plotting pls give me a like and i'll reach out to you!

background

kwon jaejun, 28, drummer for blue noise

seomri native. excluding the time he was enlisted he's literally never lived anywhere else.

one of those people who's parents only got married bc his mom was pregnant and his dad was sort of made to (love a shotgun wedding) and his dad tbh always resented him a bit for it and it becomes more obvious the older jaejun gets

oldest of three kids, has two younger sisters (he's a good brother likes to tease them but also dote on them, probably annoys the hell out of them)

honestly a good son to his mom like loves his mom (she actually might be a boy mom but i'm not ready to unpack that rn) and his dad... like i said the man resents him and it gets obvious the older jaejun gets bc his dad is very rough with him very harsh with his words like hits jaejun in the face if he says something stupid or laughs too loud and says he needs to learn to be a man (he's like 7 mind you)

anyways like the dad resents jaejun, but the other kids aren't exempt from his temper but maybe don't get it as much and he really resents his wife and like just a shit father shit husband he cheats, he drinks too much, he gambles, the family is struggling for money for most of jaejun's childhood because of his dad's action and eventually i think the emotional load of being in such a volatile home is too much for jaejun's mom and she has an affair with her coworker

only issue is the coworker is also married and they get caught (so naturally the whole town knows) and jaejun's dad takes this opportunity to walk out bc "he's been wronged" and tells jaejun hey you're the man of the house now good luck with that and then just fucks off and only visits at holidays

jaejun, understandably so, is a pretty angry at this and tbh really hates his dad for walking out even though living with his is awful bc it opens up their whole family to the judgement of the rest of the town and some people have a lot to say about jaejun's mom and bc jaejun is a good son and an angry boy you know naturally he starts fighting people because that's what a real man of the house would do

and he gets known as this rambunctious hot-tempered kid which isn't a great reputation to have in a small town but people learn to stop talking shit about his mom and sisters so there's that

to kind of help with the anger and the issues he's going through his mom signs him up for drum lessons bc one of her coworkers told her it's a good outlet and like it was that or taekwondo lessons and the taekwondo lessons were more expensive so there you go

really takes to drumming though like he's got a natural aptitude for it and turns out mom's coworker was kind of right bc he's not as angry and he sort of just gets into music headlong like really getting into drumming and different styles of playing and different drummers (incidentally despite not being a jazz drummer per se gene krupa and max roach are his all time favs, also loves clyde stubblefield)

his grades at school def suffer though and like he was like a middling student at best so it's a real issue tbh barely manages to graduate in the end and only did it at his mom's behest probably but his thing really just becomes drumming and tbh playing for whoever will let him

which is how he gets into blue noise like idt he has a passion for shoegaze like that but they were the band willing to take him so here he is

music doesn't really pay the bills though and he's deadset on being a better man than his dad so he gets a job at the lumber mill (actually leverages the connections he has through his dad bc his dad used to work there) to supplement his income and help his mom and sisters bc while he might be a dumbass who barely graduated hs he wants his little sisters to have every chance in the world and works hard to help his mom keep a roof over their head and get them to college and hopefully out of seomri honestly

though working at the lumber mill sucks because everyone compares him to his deadbeat piece of shit dad when like can't you tell jaejun is obviously a much better person like sure he looks like his dad and has a bad temper like his dad and picks fight and maybe drinks and smokes a little too much but he is a better person!

and tbh that's kinda just been his life up until this point now just working and playing (there was that one time he thought the band was going to make it big and preemptively quit his job only for the record deal to fall through and had to beg for his fuckass job back but it's fine he's over that and totally not still angry about it :) )

personality

ok despite being known as a short-tempered overreactive asshole (which like he is) he's genuinely not that bad of a guy

like generally speaking he's very friendly and fun very extroverted the guy who buys a round of drinks at the bar on a random friday and like a very loyal fun friend probs flirts more than he should but like it's harmless and fine

he just has a few things that really tick him off and he's not that great at self soothing

tbh he's also kind of arrogant too and probs hasn't been humbled enough in life (granted he was beating people up a lot as a kid and he does have a rap sheet so would you want to humble that guy?)

but like overall means well, is nice enough, will help your grandma cross the street and will give you the shirt off his back if you need it just don't talk about his family and don't talk shit unless you want to get hit kind of

plots

blue noise bandmates???

tbh other people he's played for really he'll play just about anything for anyone if he likes you enough and he's mostly easy enough to get on with

ex girfriend(s) tbh good friend probs not a good guy to date unless you like arguing or being frustrated but like he says he means well u know???

someone he has fought in the past, there has to be at least one person

friends of course, drinking buddies, childhood friends

idk i'm of course always down to brainstorm

#seomri:intro