Idek where to say this for it to be heard but in a way where people dont know me personally. I am suffering from severe alcoholism. I have to say it and make it be known and fuckin accept it for once. Im never gonna change when I keep sugar coating it.
October 2024 I totaled my car from drunk driving. Got away with no injuries, they didnt even realize I was drunk. My brother in law was one of the firefighters that came for rescue, and he knew I struggled with alcoholism and he asked me "be honest. Have you been drinking?" And I lied and said "I had one beer." No, I had three tallboys before that accident.
I cant live with the guilt anymore. My trailer is disgusting. I live in mold and filth. I shower once a week. Hardly brush my teeth anymore.
On my days off I wake up from being blacked out and then drink first thing.
Im still going to work even though I cant drive right now (just got a new car and haven't put insurance on it, dont know if I can trust myself tbh). I am the definition of a functioning blackout alcoholic. Everyone at work sees the alcohol i buy (cuz i cant drive i cant get it elsewhere and I dont want to show my dad how much I depend on alcohol so I keep it mostly secret). They see it and only a few have said something. After buying 2 of the 4-pack mini wines AND a beat box or something like it - EVERY SINGLE DAY, for almost two years now.
Idk. I cant do this anymore. I am losing it. Idk what to do. Idk how to salvage myself. Salvage my home. Do my responsibilities ive been neglecting for months. Im burnt out. Im truly experiencing burnout from something and thats why I wanna drink to drown it out.
I am really struggling right now and dont know what to do tbh. Woke up this morning just to drink more wine and a beat box ontop of it. Had cereal before drinking to delude myself into believing "well at least I ate something before I drank!" Like no dude that's not how this works. Disappointed with myself. Never thought I'd be this way. Always thought I would be a pothead through and through and I am but it's not enough for some reason.







