✨️444 ✨️

darlin - 29 - i love cats and weed and being left tf alone at work ♡ my raw thoughts, some are soft and some are disgustingly vulgar/violent.

[444darlin]

Idek where to say this for it to be heard but in a way where people dont know me personally. I am suffering from severe alcoholism. I have to say it and make it be known and fuckin accept it for once. Im never gonna change when I keep sugar coating it.

October 2024 I totaled my car from drunk driving. Got away with no injuries, they didnt even realize I was drunk. My brother in law was one of the firefighters that came for rescue, and he knew I struggled with alcoholism and he asked me "be honest. Have you been drinking?" And I lied and said "I had one beer." No, I had three tallboys before that accident.

I cant live with the guilt anymore. My trailer is disgusting. I live in mold and filth. I shower once a week. Hardly brush my teeth anymore.

On my days off I wake up from being blacked out and then drink first thing.

Im still going to work even though I cant drive right now (just got a new car and haven't put insurance on it, dont know if I can trust myself tbh). I am the definition of a functioning blackout alcoholic. Everyone at work sees the alcohol i buy (cuz i cant drive i cant get it elsewhere and I dont want to show my dad how much I depend on alcohol so I keep it mostly secret). They see it and only a few have said something. After buying 2 of the 4-pack mini wines AND a beat box or something like it - EVERY SINGLE DAY, for almost two years now.

Idk. I cant do this anymore. I am losing it. Idk what to do. Idk how to salvage myself. Salvage my home. Do my responsibilities ive been neglecting for months. Im burnt out. Im truly experiencing burnout from something and thats why I wanna drink to drown it out.

I am really struggling right now and dont know what to do tbh. Woke up this morning just to drink more wine and a beat box ontop of it. Had cereal before drinking to delude myself into believing "well at least I ate something before I drank!" Like no dude that's not how this works. Disappointed with myself. Never thought I'd be this way. Always thought I would be a pothead through and through and I am but it's not enough for some reason.

[loveletters2myself]

the sexiest thing a man can do is make his woman’s life easier

[444darlin]

"What do you want for your birthday?"

Me: make me something, do a little craft for me - anything

"Oh but im no good at crafts"

I DONT CARE. THATS THE POINT. the POINT is that i get little crafty things made by people i know. And the fact that theyre all different shows how different we all work and function. Thats a gift to me. I WANT to see your "bad artwork" as a gift because its not bad to me. Thats a thing my friend produced. Its not a silly craft, its not useless, and it means everything to me.

I dont WANT money for a new car. Im earning the money for that myself. I want crafts, i want homemade items from my loved ones to cherish. Its not the same that my sister got me a vacuum. I love it and appreciate it and use it always - but if she made me a little doodad? A little crafty venture?? Bro. That would LIGHT ME UP. draw me a picture. Make me a homemade card. Mold a little thingie out of clay. Write a little note. Color a picture from a childrens coloring book for all i care - i love that you made something and you thought of me - and now i have ONE OF A KIND artwork by you that nobody else has. The value in the scarcity is something they dont see. Who else has that? Nobody. IVE got the only birthday card made by you in crayon. Thats a birthday gift to me. Create for me, thats a gift for me.

[444darlin]

Bloating = feeling of extreme fullness NOT associated to the amount of food youve eaten.

Full belly after eating = belly is extended. No associated pain.

Overeating = PAIN associated with the AMOUNT of food you have eaten.

Food intolerenxe = pain/discomfort from the KIND of food you have eaten.

Eating disorder = MENTAL disorder, characterized by the way you think, your intentions, and perception of food vs. Fuel.

If i see one more girl on this world wide web eat a normal meal, and they pull out the "god im so bloated." Ill scream. You ate. Youre full. Thats just having a meal. If youre in pain, you ate too much. If you ate a small amount and are still in pain, then ask yourself if its the kind of food. If you are having more of an emotional reaction to food or inner turmoil, thats an eating disorder.

Aint just the mental health references having their meaning destroyed, its also physical health references too. Bloating is the new "i had a normal meal and now my stomach isnt flat anymore." Idk how some people keep jobs and live life and function. AND TO KNOW that these people have people in their lives to educate them but choose not to. Or they themselves WANT to a problem like bloating. I dont get it.

[444darlin]

Stop trying to change me and just let me be miserable. If i stop being depressed one day, i will. But i dont need the weight of everyone expecting me to be happy to add onto my list of things i hate about life.

[444darlin]

To grow up poor, homeless and to know im still poor and have nothing. Id rather be homeless right now, that way i didnt have to constantly worry about becoming homeless eventually again. Just rid of the fear and make it happen on purpose to get it out of the way.

I c

Just come from a long line of uneducated peopke who didnt get things handed to them, didnt have opportunities, anything. Youre just gonna make more unsuccessful poor people.

And thats all i am. I am poor so im worthless because i cant do anything. Why do anything ever when it all means literally nothing. Im always at work anyway, what do i need a home for. It doesnt FEEL like home so why have it. Why keeo anything. Throw it all away, burn it all. Destroy my phone. Burn my laptop. Destroy it all and then i wont ever have to worry about anything. No bills because i have nothing. I hate my life and being poor and knowing i will die and rot in my grave poor. Every person that comes from our family will be poor.

This family is just being poor thats all i have running in my blood besides dibilitating mental illness. Lifes not worth it tbh.

[444darlin]

Back to just feeling like everything is too much and im too tired to exist. Everything is too hard. Im tired. I cant do this anymore and go to work everyday and all this bullshit. Its too tiring. Im exhausted. I cant do it anymore

[444darlin]

"Avoid things that trigger you" my L i Ff e bro. I cant be out in that big scary place, brother. I breakdown. Why? I dont know. Because the world is too much. I guess the therapist was rught that i ought to get screened for autism. I cant explain any other reason why i cant breathe when everything is too much and the people and lights and the noises and the lack of space, i feel so claustrophobic and need to just scream and cry because i feel i cant escape it. Its my job. I cant deal with it. I feel like a big baby because im so sensitive to everything that happens.

[444darlin]

I dont want my biggest accomplishment in life to be that i didnt kill myself. But i know thats all i will ever MAYBE accomplish.

I dont have time or energy to better my education or have a career. My biggest accomplishments have been waking up every morning. And that feels shitty. Im a loser. With nothing and nobody. Im a failure and almost 30 working retail bevause im too fucked up to pursue better.

[444darlin]

Trying to act all nice with my ex just so he an unblock me for long enough to get his info so i can get this divorce DONE AND OVER WITH is harder than conquering the earth.

if YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH ME DONT MAKE IT SO FUCKING HARD TO LEAVE. You already took my cats from me, the only thing i had. Fuck you dude.

[thoughtkick]

“I just want to be with someone who doesn’t disappear when love gets tough.”

— j. iron word

[shoujo-dreamland]

[444darlin]

I NEED A BIG BOY, GIMME A BIG BOOOYYY 🤤

[444darlin]

I always know my mental health is going downhill when all my addictions become boring. Like too depressed to even drink. Too depressed to go out and buy a bottle. Too depressed to even want to fucking piss.

[fairytaleprincessart]

[444darlin]

Weather is horrible so i might miss my flight to see my boyfriend. Convinced he will break up because now the distance sucks even more because of this and im not worth sticking with over all this stress. He already had to rebook it. I feel like such a burden. I feel like more trouble than im worth. I feel like this is meant to be because i dont deserve anything loving or kind as a partner. I dont deserve anyone or anything.

[perfectfeelings]

“All my life I’ve looked at words as though I were seeing them for the first time.”

— Ernest Hemingway, Ernest Hemingway: Selected Letters 1917–1961