Listen, I’m a feminist. I’m well versed in the way men treat women, especially young women and minors, to groom them into becoming co-dependent and reliant on them. I know this song and dance well from having seen it happen to my own friends and from reading the experiences of many women on this site who let an older man woo them when they were young and it cost them years of suffering in an abusive relationship.
Bearing this in mind, when I was 15 I volunteered for a 3-week program as a camp counselor for a summer camp for disabled children. Because some of these kids had such intense needs, they had about 1 counselor for every 2 kids. What they actually did though, was pair up us volunteers in groups of 2 and together we looked after 4 kids. My partner and I were assigned 4 children to take care of together. I had to spend all 3 weeks with my partner by my side. We did everything together. Taking the kids to the bathroom and changing their diapers. Feeding them. Dressing them when they got dirty and had to use their extra change of clothes. Playing with them. Chasing after them. Rocking them when they cried. Everything. 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Taking care of non-verbal autistic children and children with down syndrome is so incredibly difficult. I loved every second of it, but I know damn well would never have made it through those 3 weeks without my partner to shoulder the responsibility with me.
On the first day, I noticed how the camp organizers had paired up male and female volunteers with each other. I also took note of how the group dynamic worked. What I mean is, they didn’t assign 4 kids to every pair of volunteers and then have all of us stick together as a group and take care of the kids together. No. The volunteer pairs and their kids were sectioned off and sent to do separate activities in different rooms. Every 30 minutes or so we rotated. They did this because they wanted us to develop a special bond with “our kids” as they called them. A lot of special needs kids have a hard time getting used to new people, and many of them hated being in rooms with lots of people because it over stimulated them, so the organizers felt it would be better for them overall if we kept to our little units of 6. This meant I was alone, for seven hours a day, with my partner and our kids and the occasional check in of “how are you guys doing?” From one of the adult staff members.
I’m not an idiot. Being alone with my partner for long periods of time + we’re working together to accomplish a very difficult task + teamwork + the little inside jokes we developed + the fact it kinda felt like we were our own little family unit + my partner was very handsome and sweet and interesting to talk to + I’m a young impressionable teenage girl = I’m gonna have a crush on him one way or another. I honestly felt like I was in some sort of fanfiction. I loved being around him and working with him and I thought about him when I was at home and even though the kids took up a lot of our time, by day 4 we pretty much had our groove down and were working seamlessly together.
Now here’s the thing. The minimum volunteer age was 15, by there was no maximum age limit. We had to go through intense background checks and interviews to see if we qualified for the demanding task. Because of the difficulty of what we’d be doing, they chose mostly college age kids and people in grad school who were using the camp as training credits to become occupational therapists. My partner was one of these. He was a 26 year old man who needed so many hours of hands on training to qualify and get whatever credentials he needed, idk. On the first day, we knew each other’s ages. I would often talk to him about highschool and my worries for college and he would laugh and tell me “this is what college is really like” blah blah. He talked about his past girlfriends with me. I told him I’d never had a boyfriend. He said being in a relationship is wonderful and told me I should definitely get a boyfriend. He told me if he had to guess my age he’d say at least 20. I reminded him that I was 15 and he said “I know, but you’re just so mature”. He flattered me often, seemed really engaged when I rambled and ranted about my interests. We had all sorts of things in common. We talked about videogames and anime and music and shared memes after we exchanged phone numbers. He started texting me after hours and saying how he thinks of me as his equal and how we’re actually the same me and him. How it’s such a shame I’m still in highschool because he really wishes I’d go over to his place and hang out and meet his friends. How it’s kinda crazy but he might have a little crush on me.
I loved it. I knew exactly what he was doing. I say the signs from day 1. I knew it was wrong and dangerous (and maybe that was part of the allure). “He’s grooming you. He doesn’t care about you. He’s using you” I’d tell myself. “But is he though?” I’d respond. “He’s different. He treats me so nice. He flattered me. He listens to me. He thinks we’re equal, he said so!” And on and on I’d fight in my head. I’d seen it happen before. I knew he wasnt safe to be around but I was so head over heels for him I didn’t listen to my better judgement.
Eventually, our time at camp came to an end. The last week was rough. Instead of listening to me, he started talking over me and putting down my ideas. He started telling me what to do and brushing off my suggestions. Once, one of the kids ran off while we weren’t looking. He loves see saws so I suggested we check the park. He told me I was being stupid. Obviously he went back to the bubble station that he cried at. I’m not thinking straight and I should just listen to him. He wasn’t at the bubble station. We went to the see saw. He was happily sitting still on it without another kid to sit on the end. My partner told me I was stupid for not defending my position better otherwise he would have believed me and gone to the see saws first. I actually felt bad about myself after that. I honestly blamed myself for his stupid ego. The week progressed with more things like that, just him putting me down and making me feel small and unheard. But he would always follow up with a joke or a hug or “you mean a lot to me you know”, so it wasn’t that bad right? Things finally ended when, at the end of the last day, he invited me over to his place. He said he was having a party to celebrate the end of the 3 weeks. His friends would all be there and he was also inviting some of the other volunteers. I told him I wanted to, but couldn’t because my mom was coming to pick me up. He insisted that I go and just text my mom not to come get me or that I was going to a friend’s house. I said I couldn’t she was already on her way. Back and forth he thought of every excuse, getting increasingly angry, and at one point even walking up to his car, opening the door and gesturing for me to get in. I was almost in tears at this point and had to say no. I asked him (practically begged him) to forgive me and maybe we could meet up next week? Or this weekend even? I still want to be with you I told him. He said something about how I was a selfish bitch and he thought we were friends. “Maybe we could have been more than friends… But I guess not.” Then he drove away.
As the other volunteers were leaving I said goodbye and then asked them if they were going to his party. I was hoping that I could convince the ones that were going to talk to him for me. But none of them knew what I was talking about. Apparently none of them had been invited. I tried texting him over and over, but he wouldn’t answer and to this day had never made any contact with me.
I found out later from one of the other volunteers I was friends with (and who’s brother went to the same University as him and had him in one of his classes) that the next day my partner had complained loudly to his guy group that he’d been robbed of “some fresh teenage pussy” and it’s “so hard nowadays to find girls that aren’t bitches”.
After that I cried and called my best friend, who I hadn’t talked to the entire time cause it was summer and she was in Europe with her family, and told her everything. It only took a few sentences from her to make me see what a fucking idiot I’d been. I couldn’t believe how stupid I was acting. How could he have possibly done that to me? Made me feel so loved and safe when I knew better?
My point in saying all this is: we’re vulnerable. Minors are just kids. We’re stupid and vulnerable. I knew and recognized the signs of grooming and I STILL fell for it. I saw what he was doing to me, how he was acting and I still tried to defend him in my mind. I still tried to imagine us together. I still felt bad and blamed myself when he stopped talking to me.
Now take a second and imagine if I wasn’t a feminist. If I hadn’t seen this happen before to my own friends. If I had never read about the experiences of other women online. If I wasn’t more emotionally aware (or at least, for my age). If I couldn’t pick up the subtleties of his words and actions. If we had spent more than just three weeks together. If he had had more time to wear me down and make me doubt myself. If my mom hadn’t come pick me up or if I didn’t have such supporting friends who knew better when I didn’t. Imagine if I was just as naive and vulnerable and innocent as the average teenage girl, because adults never teach girls the signs to beware or the men to avoid. Imagine I already had low self-esteem to begin with and this handsome man is flattering me and telling me how much he cares, how much he understands, how highly he thinks of me, how mature I am etc.
I’d be gone. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I’d been in his arms and in that car and then in his apartment doing god knows what and who knows if I’d ever be seen again. If I’d ever be back to who I was.
You cannot rely on teenagers to have the awareness to not fall for that stuff. We are innocent and naive and even the ones who had been warned like me still fall through the cracks. It cannot fall on the minor’s shoulders to take action. Adults, you all have a responsibility to find out the age of the person you’re interested in or talking to. He was 26 but he looked 18, he had such a baby face. I still have a hard time determining ages of adults. And I get it. Some kids look older than they are. There are so many guys in my school with beards who look 21 but are only 15. But that is no excuse. It is your job to find out who you’re talking to. If you discover that the person you’re interested in or talking to is a minor, you have to keep your distance. You have to either cut contact or maintain the kind of conservative relationship you would with your boss, or distant cousin you’ve never met or someone it wouldn’t really be okay to get personal with. No matter how mature or aware or smart you think they are. “I’m sure they’re smarter than that. I’m sure they know. I’m sure-” No. Always assume the kid you’re talking to is dumb and doesn’t know anything about you. If you continue to talk to them in a way that is at all mature or romantic, you are deceiving them. Especially if you know their age but don’t tell them yours.
Please, be mindful of this stuff folks. And kids, if you’re in a situation like I was, and you see those signs, run. Run and don’t look back.
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