3 hrs ago was my birthday. It was fine. I had a party with a friend who shares the same birthday. I don't really like him, but it felt weird not to share it, lol. We have the same friend group but I only recently moved to the same city.
But anyway, as usual, my birthday nights always send me into an existential crisis of sorts. I can only picture my childhood in crude photographs. There's this photo my mom took of me and all my brothers against a faded grey wooden fence. We're all wearing jeans and sweaters. It must've been winter. The colours of our clothes are also dull and faded.
The day my dad got kicked out of the house is a brown photograph, smudged with coffee stains and blurry from movement. He's standing at the end of our cul-de-sac with a rough leather suitcase. I don't think that's actually how he left, but my young mind seems to have kept this random image. From what I actually know, my grandpa drove him back to his state and took one of my brothers so that he "wouldn't kill my dad" because my brother was there.
I can remember every apartment we moved in and out of, I used to count the amount of schools I went between. I was lucky, I only went to 6. My brothers shared numbers closer to 12, but my middle school and high school were the same and they had city-wide transport. My brothers were not so lucky.
My teenage years were me stealing cigarettes off my chain, smoking Grandma, and climbing onto her roof to sleep at night. I loved to star gaze and take late night walks. Her neighbour tattled about those walks and made it sound like I was doing something suspicious. I went to an all girls school so everyone seemed convinced I must've had a secret boyfriend somewhere.
It's funny because I did, but online. I bought a plane ticket to meet him when I was 18. That first month was fun and innocent and spontaneous. I bought another plane ticket at 19, we talked about moving in together. At 19, also, I officially moved across the world and into a studio apartment with him. My life has gotten a lot better.
I don't live in an angry household. We talk out everything and never fight. It's okay to cry over stupid things sometimes. Being anxious and overwhelmed isn't a trigger to get frustrated. We have 2 cats. He makes me tea because he knows its my favourite. It's been 5 years since moving in together and 7 since we started dating.
I'm 25, and everything I've done I've felt too young for, somehow. It's always felt like I'm fighting with time. But now I genuinely feel old. It's hard to see what I've accomplished until it's laid out, but I struggle. There's still so much I'm managing with my health (a potential GERD diagnosis and potentially sleep apnea.) I work in fast food for now, even after years of customer service I can't seem to move up anywhere.
My education is on the back burner, I'm still waiting to get citizenship, and admittedly, I'm anxious that we're not engaged yet. I know we met young, and it's fine, I guess it just makes me a little uneasy. I've been really trying to ease up on that one, haha.
His mom doesn't like me. When we met, he was 16 and had no idea what he wanted to do in life. Now he has 2 degrees, and she continuously feels the need to ask if "we're sure we love each other" and makes backhanded compliments like "you have so much confidence for someone your size." (Covid weight gain, she met me when I was thin, but my figure is still great.)
It's hard to be 25 and still coasting, but then again, I would tell any other 25 year old they have plenty of time. My childhood friends are all married and having kids. His childhood friends still live at home with their parents. It's really odd to compare when we're all just trying to get through it, but I feel behind.
Anyway, no one has ever really read one of my posts, and I don't think anyone will due to the length, but if you have stumbled upon this ramble, thank you for reading. Sometimes, I think my life could be really interesting to tell, but then I only talk about the mundane things like this post shows. But the violence and abuse are so colourful and hard to bring up half the time that I avoid it, even to my self-rambles. I've stopped feeling existential, though, so this has helped.
dededos
jacobvanloon
kaledo-art
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
titsay
izzy806
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
