Finns thoughts

...is when I'm alone with you @starman-sam | vent blog | Tw: sh, ed, suicide, sa | trying to heal | asks open | he/him/his

[burned0utstar]

Hi, I'm finn, I'm 18 years old, I am a queer trans guy (pre t) and trying to get better.

If you are racist, queerphobic, abalist or overall a bigot, DNI, I will block you if I have to

This blog is my vent blog, this means I will complain, rant and vent, or maybe just ramble sometimes.

Triggering topics that might come up:

• self harming behavior

• disordered eating

• suicidal ideation

• sexual assult

• rape

• abuse (mostly emotional)

• drug use / addiction

Like I said, I am trying to heal and get better, I do not want to encourage any of the behaviours that I used or still use to cope. But I am not ashamed of the things I did/ still do to survive.

If you are feeling bad, get help, you are a wonderful human being and deserve help and support. Take care.

[burned0utstar]

Things feel good, like spring, like flowers finally blooming.

He is the sun, the rain, the earth, the air I breathe. I hold him close and hope he feels the love I have for him.

The sky is blue and pink and orange, there's a light breeze, and it brings me back to you.

[burned0utstar]

Okay, now let's say it together: "Someone being late to a meeting with a fixed time does not mean that they hate me or that I need to hate them."

[burned0utstar]

I can feel it getting worse again. Or maybe it was never better? I am good at pretending after all.

Whatever it is, I fear it will consume me. I fear I might not wake up anymore.

I fear life is just this.

[burned0utstar]

Why does my favourite series and my rapist have the sane name😭

Like, bitch, why?

[burned0utstar]

I hope tomorrow won't feel any different. I hope it's just another day. I hope I will be alright.

Please let me be alright.

[burned0utstar]

How can you say you love me and than leave me?

How should I belife it, if I don't feel it?

I wish you would hold me. Just one more time, please, just be there.

[burned0utstar]

Why do you hate me now? What did I do wrong? Was I just too much?

I guess I was too much. I guess you just can't handle me. And I don't know why thought you could.

I guess I like believing in this fantasy. But every dream has to end.

If when you leave me, do it fast.

[burned0utstar]

Okay, no, fuck this. FUCK YOU.

You don't have to answer. I get it. You really don't have to fucking answer. Fuck You.

I don't need you. I am okay. I am totally fucking fine without you.

So fuck you.

[burned0utstar]

It's so cold and I am so alone. Even with hundreds of people in a room, I feel lonely. Even with you besides me, I am just alone.

I wish I could do better.

[burned0utstar]

God, I feel disgusting.

[burned0utstar]

I'm sorry for lying. I seem to have forgotten what truth tastes like. My tongue is so rotten and overwhelmed by all the bitterness.

Truth isn't anything anymore. And if it was right in front of me, I would call it by all the names, but never it's own.

Tell me, will I remember this, after I wake up again.

[burned0utstar]

I'm not a violent person. I am not a violent person. I am not a violent person.

I just have to breath. Just relax. Just stay in control.

I will stay in control. I can do that. I can so do that. It's not hard.

But God, if this doesn't end, I will end it myself.

I will not shy away from blood and violence.

[transstuffandmore]

Please Reblog is Your Blog is Safe for Non-Binary People.

[bees-and-voids-deactivated20210]

If my mutuals can’t rb this then we can’t be mutuals

[burned0utstar]

It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair.

I want to be good. I need to be good. Please let me be good. I want to achieve greatness.

Let the sickness stop. Let me study and learn. Let me be more than just a shell of a human.

[burned0utstar]

I love him. Oh God, I love him. Fuck, I love him. I love him so much. I want to always fall asleep in his arms to the sound of him breathing. And to wake up to his eyes in the morning.

[burned0utstar]

He was a child. Holy and divine, long blond hair, blue eyes.

But I was a child as well. Younger. Smaller. With weak hands and pink underwear.

If he didn't do it to hurt me, does it still count?