A Car Called Home @a-car-called-home - Tumblr Blog

The Night Your Eyes Went Empty.....

It's a moment that I will never forget: The moment when you looked at me and I saw, for the first time, the Emptiness and the Ending.

It's impossible to explain to those who've never seen it, but those who have, it's crystal clear.

If anyone asks me of surrender, I will tell them that we all have a point that is, once crossed, irrevocable.

I fought for you, Dad. I fought harder for you than I ever did for anything/anyone else in my own life.

Watching the decline and watching the cancer take you from me, was/is a pain I can never explain.

.... I miss you every moment of every single day.

#my father #my father's death #letters to dad #letters to my father #cns lymphoma #lymphoma #brain cancer #brain tumor #brain tumors

One of the most potent and moving musical videos/songs I've ever heard and seen in my life. A great metaphor for so many things.

#rhianna #russian roulette #music videos #metaphors #metaphor #symbolism

Session #2 Information

How Do you Feel: numb, alone, hopeless, fatalistic, somber

Colour(s): Black, grey, hazy tones, dark blue, white Objects: Void, an endless rainy day, fog, a pit or chasm, one single being Where: Anywhere alone - in the void.

Other Notes - I found myself having to redefine the borders of the circle many times. Symbolic in and of itself.

#art as therapy #art therapy #Project: Caterina Jung #Caterina Jung

New Project: Dr. Caterina Jung, Ph.D

As I traverse this ocean of grief, I realize that I need help with it, psychologically. It is simply a weight so unbearably heavy that has been placed on shoulders that were already too weak to carry anything...

The problem with this is that I have neither the money nor the resources to seek help professionally. I also have a very, VERY difficult time with trust and opening up to a therapist has never yielded positive results for me. Let me take you back a bit now... Once upon a time, I came across a creativity exercise that asked the reader to personify aspects of their personality. It sounds crazy (YES, let's encourage splitting the ego!) but it was a very enlightening and fascinating experience for me.

I discovered several very strong archetypes that I resonate with through it and those archetypes taught - and teach - me a great deal about myself. It is said that necessity is the mother of invention and today, I NEEDED a therapist. Thus, Dr. Caterina Jung, Ph.D was born. This project is my internal therapy that I am starting with myself, to work through the many years of struggle and hardship that I've faced. The last five years-ish are the primary focus, which have been some of the most difficult years so far... So.......

I imagined myself in a tidy office sitting directly across from Dr. Caterina Jung. There are no desks to divide her from me. There are no judgemental medical records with my name on them. She is simply sitting there, giving me a chance to find a comfort level with where I am (and I do). She has one purpose: to guide me through my own emotions and feelings. It begins with her asking gentle questions of me: Tell me how you feel today. Tell me by giving me five emotional qualities. My answer: overwhelmed, lonely, scared, longing, and utterly sad. Her: What colour(s) are you?

Me: muted blue-greys, black, white, bright red, and washed out. Her: What objects can you see in your mind right now?

Me: a cracked pitcher, flies, a female silhouette, empty hands, and a heart.

Her: Where are you?

Me: in a locked room

She then leads me to the other side of the room where I am given an index card, access to pastels, paints, pencils, and collage supplies.

"You are to create something on that index card. Make it representational of the questions I just asked you. There are only two rules:

Rule one is that you have only twenty minutes to do this exercise.

Rule two is that you are not allowed to use an eraser unless lack of color or tone is part of the representation.

You may begin."

In that twenty minutes, I am actually engaging myself in art therapy on an index card - basing the art on my answers during my little therapy monologue. Here is today's card:

#Caterina Jung #art therapy #my therapy #Project: Caterina Jung

Permanent by David Cook Song was dedicated to his brother who died from brain cancer. (God, I miss you Dad.)

#brain cancer #brain tumor #brain tumors #cancer awareness #brain cancer tributes #tumor #cancer #tumors #lymphoma #cns lymphoma #my father #my father's death #grief #my grief #mourning #mourn #death #dying

xoret

lostxinparadise

this-is-my-suicidal-war-deactiv

sad--dreams-deactivated20181127

black and white blog

"I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney. And I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page. Continue reading and let the next story begin. And if anyone ever asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder and end it with a simple and modest: he died."

I posted this several times before but ... when I am missing those I've lost a lot, I watch this.

I can't see how the movie was panned. There is so much in the undercurrents of the film. It's so touching and incredibly deep.

Poem: The Feast

The Feast

it is a sickly appetite, i know; but pull me down with you where all art and songs to stir are sung by love-gods in nightmasks writhing naked against all offered flesh like animals, like beasts, teeth covered in the fat of the birds, they are now fluid shamans of the truest sort of rite

#poetry: unpublished #unpublished poetry #unpublished #poetry #longing #longings

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This was and always will be YOUR SONG, Dad. You sounded just like Justin Hayward when you sang. I have no recordings of your voice anymore, but I weep buckets when I hear him sing because, .... you are still there, singing to me, to the Universe, to Whomever was listening. I still can hear you here,

#my father #my father's voice #my father's death #things I miss about my father #cancer #brain cancer #moody blues #forever autumn #justin hayward #lymphoma #cns lymphoma

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through - - how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain: When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about."

Via Cancer Compass