trying to figure out the secrets of the universe

Just an alien on a mission to blend in with the humans... and failing.  Hey all!!! so this side-blog is basically going to be an amalgamation of my own transition as a non binary trans kid. I'm 20, identify as ace (but also pan romantic because love is love) and i'm still figuring out pronouns, but they/them works for this blog.  Any questions are welcome because we're all trying to figure things out, and while i'm not the best, i'll do what i can to help a friend out!!!

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

so maybe I have body dysmorphia... and that's fine

no but for real I have a wildly different idea of what my body looks like, and then I see myself in pictures and its like “oh”

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

so here's what's happening...

(not edited)

About a week ago I sent a message to my doctor asking if we would be able to start the top surgery process - by which I mean getting my medical clearance/recommendation letter so that I can start setting up consultations (specifically one that I've had my eye on for close to 6 years now). When I started seeing this doctor almost a year ago, we had a conversation and I had asked if I would be able to choose my surgeon or if the clinic I go to had a certain person in the area that they would try to send me to, and he told me that I would be able to choose, so I've been working under that impression for nearly a year at this point.

anyway, my doctor got back to me and said "I'm referring you for top surgery consult, wait for a call from so and so for more information" and I was a little confused, because I dint ask for a consultation set up, I wanted a letter, which he said they would take care of in the message, but I sort of shrugged it off, maybe it was awkward wording choice. After all, I had mentioned wanting to discuss my own plans and goals and expectations with my doctor either over message or during our next in person appointment, because we never really got to have an in depth conversation about all that, so he couldn't mean what I thought he meant, because there was no communication.

after a week of waiting and silence, I finally got the phone call today. "hi this is so and so. blah blah blah, you've been sort up with a bilateral mastectomy consultation with this doctor at this place at this time." what? Thats not what I wanted, that isn't what I asked for. I don't know how we got to this point, but im super confused.

And I should be happy, because I have a top surgery consult on September 14th, presumably with someone who will accept my insurance because I can't figure out any other reason why they would set me up with this person period, but I'm super uneasy about all of this. I did some cursory research about this doctor, and he's a plastic surgeon who doesn't specialize in top surgeries (as far as I can tell, it wasn't on his list anyway) and I've only seen one result so far, and im glad that the person is really happy with their results, but it wasn't particularly what I was looking for, and I can't be sure how consistent this man is because I've only seen one picture so far.

Like I should be so happy because if I go this route with this surgeon, it couldn't be easier for me, this is like, a golden ticket straight to everything I've been waiting for for the last decade, but I don't know if I want to go to this surgeon. I'ver had a plan in place for the last 6 years, and the idea of changing it up because someone else thinks this will be better or easier or whatever is throwing me off.

and yet at the same time, im afraid of telling my doctor that this isn't what I thought the plan would be and that id like to do things my own way, because im afraid the gate will close and I won't be able to have this chance again. Logically I know none of this is true, and that the clinic that I go to goes out of their way to not gatekeeper, and is really helpful for people like me, but im so scared that showing any kind of resistance will tell them 'oh, he doesn't deserve this, he isn't ready', because they haven't given me my medical recommendation letter, I don't have that in my possession and I don't want to lose that. Again, I know that if I bring up my concerns to the doctor, chances are he'll be fine and will give me my letter to go where I want, its just super throwing me off to be railroaded like this, even if it wasn't intentional.

(and its my own complexes talking, I know that, cuz I've already had this conversation with my therapist)

and im thinking about messaging my doctor, and telling him like 'hey I finally got that call and have the consult set up (I'm still gonna go to that because its already set up for my btw) but I would also like to consult with a few other surgeons just to see what all my options are, if you'd be able to get me a copy fo my medical recommendation letter', I think that's the safest option for me at this point.

who knows, im just venting at this point because something that is supposed to be the best thing to happen to me so far has quickly become a major source of stress and I am just figuring out how I want to proceed here

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

its bad again

I don't come here very often anymore, and I think I should.  I feel like I should be documenting my journey better, not because I owe it to anyone, but because I want to remember, because anymore my memory is so shit that often I forget what day it is if nobody bothers to remind me.  But that's just how disjointed my life has been this year - and past.

in any case, I'm here because can’t sleep.  I have therapy tomorrow, but there's only so many times I can beat the same dead horse before I don't want to talk with him about it anymore just because I sound like a broken record.  I don't want to listen to myself, how can he?  But I can’t sleep because im having super bad dysphoria.

And its always been relatively bad, but lately it hits me like a storm.  Fast and brutal and unrelenting.  I can’t breathe during these moments, and it feels like im dying.  Its never been like this before, its never been so bad that I sometimes physically feel like I shouldn't go into work.  Its become this physical thing, choking me, making me dizzy and disoriented.  the absolute brick wall I hit that jolts me ‘this body feels wrong’ and the thought is so harsh it burns the back of my throat, its hot and cold and heavy andungrounding all at the same time.  it sticks to my brain like tar, I can’t shake it off so easy anymore...

and maybe its getting so bad because finally, finally, im making real progress towards making my body a home, and now that its becoming a reality trudging through the bad times is harder because I know I won't be like this forever?  I’m not sure, but im getting desperate, I can't keep going like this for much longer, I’m so tired of feeling like an outsider in my own skin.

not tagging because I just wanted to vent for a while

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

January 25th, 2021

I got my first dose of T today

im rolling on the good feelings right now, so I don't really have my thoughts together, but I thought I should let you guys know

much love <3

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

news and other such things

its been a bit, but I have potentially big news.

So my therapist and I have been talking in the last weeks/months about how I’m struggling to figure out how to find a doctor in my area (all the ones I’ve tried who work specifically with lgbt+ are booked or unavailable, so I was becoming super frustrated and really depressed.

Anyway

he suggested that I try this one center near me because he’s sent other patients of his in that direction and it seemed to work out well for them.  So I shoot a message to their public Facebook group (was going to email) asking if they offered general primary care services or if it was only a specialty office - because ideally I'd like to find a PCP that can sort of act as my “medical So I called them one day to see if I could schedule an appointment - proceeded to botch the fuck out of that phone call because I didn't explain myself properly and the person on the phone said I could just walk in, but I don't think they knew what I wanted.  

Moving on, I figured out how to work their online appointment scheduler, and I have an appointment for the 19th of January!!!  I don't quite know what their whole turnover time is, but I could be starting hormones by my birthday!  I could get my doctor’s letter for surgery soon, which means I can actually start scheduling for my top surgery!!!I’m so excited!

I’m also nervous as fuck, but I think its in a good way mostly.  Theres still stuff to figure out ala how am I going to come out at work without creating a toxic enviornent for myself, and how am I going to come out publicly - we know its not a secret, but I don't want to give anyone any more room for excuses anymore.  And there's still the issue of I haven't found my name yet, and that's depressing, but like, I’’m super hype to start T?  Like I don't remember if I had talked about it before, about how I hadn't even been sure I wanted it, but I'm so ready to feel like home (like, we can talk about the actual years of internalized transphobia I didn't realize I was holding onto and hurting myself with, but that's a whole other post) I’m so ready to not hate myself so much.  Am I ready to stab myself in the leg for the rest of my life?  No, but it be what it be.

just wanted to let you guys know what's up.  Oh, I sort of got a promotion at work, they want me to be a “crew leader”, whatever that means.  I haven't told my therapist the good news yet because of the holidays, but I'm excited for that, maybe we can keep troubleshooting ideas about coming out at work.

(speaking of, somebody remind me to let you guys know about the whole “gender reveal but its actually just me coming out as trans” video I'm planning to film and post for my family/friends on Facebook)

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

been a while...

(warning: not edited)

I kind of forgot about this blog for a while because there's only so many times I can post about the same thing before even I need a break, but I'm not dead.

as far as a life update is concerned, I’m still in therapy - almost a year, we’re doing online, obviously) I’m still at the same job - tho I’m getting real fed up with the way things are being handled right now, and I’ m real sick of being taken advantage of because I’m nice.

As far as... the reason this blog even exists: I still have not decided on a name, and its frustrating as hell because I feel as if I can't move forward until I do (I know hats not true, but it feels like a roadblock, and I don’t know what to do about it).  I Still saving up for surgery, because at the moment I’m still working around the “pay out of pocket” route - I know I’ve said before about taking a loan, but according to an adult in my life, my credit isn't good enough to take a loan, so idk where that's leaving me, or who to talk to about that.  I think I’ve finally decided to start T, there's still a lot of little things that scare me about that, but I’ve sort of come to the decision that I can't keep living my life by would-be regrets, and if I keep waiting “for the time to be right” then I’ll never do it, and I think I’d regret it later (that's the cliff notes anyway, I’ve been talking extensively about this in therapy, its fine)

with all this is coming all sorts of new fears and heavy heavy dysphoria that is just beating me down to the point where its hard to get out of bed, its hard to get through every day because I’m going hour by hour anymore.  I’m a hypocrite I think, because I talk a big game about how you can't let fear rule your life and about how you are valid and all sorts of things about coming out, but I’m coming to the realization that I’m gonna have to start “actively” coming out and telling people - its not a secret, but I never did any kind of big announcement or whatever - and how that's gonna chase my life, and I’m scared.  I’m not worried that I’ll get kicked out, which makes me a million times luckier than a lot of other people, but I’m scared I’ll lose people who are important to me.  I’m scared that even after I start hormones people aren't going to take me seriously.  I’m scared that my workplace - despite supposedly having discriminatory protections - will become hostile to me (for lack of a better word) and that I’ll have to try and find another job in the current pandemic climate.  its stressful, to say the least.  I have a lot on my mind all the time, and I feel half a second away from being physically ill ALL THE TIME, and the worst part is that I’m basically alone in all this.

yeah I have my therapist, but I don’t have doctors, I don't have much of a support system because I don't have friends (a few, but I did this thing where I started dropping toxic people from my life, and then didn't replace them because I don't know how to make friends anymore, but that's besides the point), I don't have the knowledge - I feel like there's still so much I don't know about the transition process, and that's my own fault, but I don't know where to look either - and I’m fumbling.  I don’t know what my next step is here, well I think I do, but I’m bad at phone calls, and I’m terrified that I'm going to pick a doctor who won't see me, and the one my therapist recommended has a 1 star rating (which, what????  like that sounds bad)

this was supposed to be a small little update, but then everything came flaring back up and I had to get some stuff off my chest.  Still feel like shit, but I’ll keep on keeping on, I'm good at pretending.

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

of course its “not cool” when i say I’m going to kill myself, I don't say it because I think its “cool” or “edgy” or whatever.  What the fuck???

In other news I’m a fucking mess right now, and all i want to do is quit my job and go die in the woods

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

listen fam, I know its a dumb idea, and I know I'm just an idiot zillenial who literally can't afford it, but fam, I’m legit about ready to just take out a loan and go into actual real debt because I can’t keep going like this.  I need top surgery, desperately.  I want to be able to breathe normally again, and not feel horrible every day

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

I start my new job on Monday... I’ve wanted to puke all week about it, I’m not ready.  Like, obviously I’m more ready to tackle this than I was when I started my last job - I didn't black out for the interview this time, improvement - but god, it feels like I’m standing on crumbling ground thats ready to fall out under me because its so muchh more complicated this time and I have NO IDEA what I’m even doing.

Like, I keep thinking I should've just stayed where i was, but I couldn't keep doing that every day, and the moneys better and I /know/ the opportunities are better, Im just sooooo afraid its not gonna work out and I’m gonna have to go back to where I was.

And I don't quite know how to talk to my therapist about it in a way that makes sense because we’ve only had 2 sessions and haven't quite got past the “getting to know you” parts, and I feel like this is woven into everything else going on, but hell if I know how so we couldn't get into it in a way that means anything right at this moment???

TL;DR - due to personal reasons I’d like to pass away

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

who has 2 thumbs and made an appointment with a therapist after 2 years???

this boi

I mean, its just a consultation and we’ll see how it goes from there, but I’m proud of myself for finally getting back into it.

I’m hoping he’ll be more informed about gender stuff than my last therapist (she tried her best, and she listened, but she really didn't know much about how to help me talk through it all), and dealing with depression and anxiety among other things - his bio on the place i found him said he dealt with the issues, but I can only be sure once i talk with him.

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

Have you ever considered the name River or Rain. I don't know why I asked they are just cute names I thought of.

ya know, I think I did actually consider the Name River once upon a time.  But like, in the same way I once woke up from a dead sleep and said (out loud) “I’m changing my name to King” - a thought, but probably not a serious one

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

Sup friends

just wondering if anyone would be able to ballpark for me the cost of “Extras” for and around your top surgery?

by extras, I mean stuff  that isn't part of the surgery/hospital fees.  I have estimates for travel and lodging (if i can't get in with my grandparents), but things like food, i know some people bought baby wipes since we can't shower, others recommend compression socks?, you know, all that little extra stuff.  I’m trying to math out some things, and I need to get myself an estimate to save for misc. things.

I had a post about it saved somewhere but I can't find it right now.

Thank you <3

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

I’ve never felt more Gay Wrath in my life as I did today, and its been building because i had nowhere to put it

So we know that I’m not technically out at work for various reasons

and for some unexplainable reason my coworkers have been much more openly homophobic than they ever were (like, people who I assumed were fine just... aren't)

and the one guy keeps on saying shit like “we don't condone that shit, we don't condone that shit here” and I’m over here, silently fuming because if i open my mouth I’m gonna get sent home for fighting.  I wanted to scream, I wanted to tell him to fuck off, to tell all of them to fuck off because being gay doesn't make you a shitty manager, being a shitty manager makes you a shitty manager.  I have never felt this amount of rage against homophobes before, and I think its because they’re friends who I assumed I could eventually be able to be myself around?  

But I kept my mouth shut, because I’m not as brave as I pretend to be, and I’ve been building up all day, and I want to explode

eat the homophobes

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

so between the stupid heat, and my lingering worries after my stint in the hospital last month - oh yeah, I was hospitalized last month for a severe UTI/kidney infection/blood infection for like a week - I haven't felt comfortable wearing my binder, and its distressing because i barely feel comfortable wearing a sports bra, but I'm not willing to risk anything, so dysphoria is coming after me alone with everything else thats still wrong with me - ya know, because its been a MONTH and I’m still not healthy from all of that nonsense yet

good news tho, I got over my crippling fear of needles so when the time comes for top surgery I’m good on that front (I do however, have a new fear of the tape they put around IV tubes because I’m a hairy bitch and it HURT

other good news: I finally got a PS4 and I’m getting back into minecraft, ya know, like a nerd

[drag-queen-jesus]

what should i do???

so I might’ve missed my opportunity, but somebody asked me to be their sugar baby a few days ago

and I don’t know what to do????

Like, first of all idk if its even legit, i mean he looks legit?  But don’t know, I ve never done this before.

He offered me 1k a week for “just keeping me company/no sex/just good company babe” and I’M WEAK

(i know I’m def not gonna get someone who’s “my type”, especially a legit daddy because they’re all like 50, but he wasn’t very attractive either, like maybe a 5 as far as 50-somethings go?)

like, if its real I could pay for my top surgery in no time, and also my student loans, and ya know? All kinds of stuff

the only reason I haven’t said yes yet, if its real, is because I don’t think I’’m good company.  I’m not good at small talk and I never feel like I have anything to say that anyone will find interesting

idk, i might see if I can message him, just to see if i can get any more info out of him - if i haven’t missed my chance anyway.

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

fun fact: it took me a long time to realize that they way I felt when I was 11-12 and puberty was starting to take hold of my shitty flesh body, is not how the other girls my age felt, and is not how you are supposed to feel

but I didn't know this because i was just a little bean who threw a fit when I had to start wearing bras every day (I was in 6th grade when I finally gave up because people made me feel ashamed for not wearing one (because your poor busty friend here deffo needed to))

[a-very-queer-space-kid]

something I think about a lot is that I’ll probably have to take off closer to 2 months of work after surgery.  Like, I know 6 weeks is the “usual” post-op “don’t strain yourself” period, but like, half my entire job is living heavy shit and getting stuff off of tall shelves, and IDK if I’ll even be able to do it (this is just me thinking about it, obvi I’ll have to talk about recovery with Dr. G when I get to that point)

Mostly I’m worried about keeping my job, but again, thats a worry for later