El Fuckto

Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining

[jewishdragon]

[oikawaonline-deactivated2022080]

Andy Samberg Shares His Rejected Golden Globes Jokes.

[toastbutteregg]

I love him so much

[huffylemon]

[asthebelltolls]

One time, I had a dream that I was making peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, and most of them were the regular measurements in cups and stuff. But at the end of the recipe, instead of saying “2.5 cups of chocolate chips” it said “627 chocolate chips.”

So when I woke up, I made some peanut butter chocolate chip cookies. And instead of measuring out chocolate chips, I counted them (and suffered a lot of odd looks from my family for it).

Well, it turns out that 627 chocolate chips is the amount that the recipe called for (2.5 cups). Not only that, but 627 was the exact amount of chocolate chips that we had left in the house.

[a-lil-strawberry]

Forbidden knowledge was granted you that night

[ke-ray92-deactivated20201217]

Before January ends, I’m going to magically and extremely be blessed by the universe.

[introvertbard]

not gonna risk scrolling past this

[alternativeblkgal]

another time for extra blessings.

[hipstered]

date the person who says, “have fun, be safe, and call if you need anything” not the person who gets mad at you for going out w/o them

[am1na1992]

I don’t get these posts that go like “part of me wants to be a hot girl at the bar and the other part of me wants to read and sip tea in a bookstore”

like you can wear red lipstick and a leather jacket and sip tea and dance in the rain and go to the gym and curl up in bed and get turnt the fuck up and go to church

you can literally have it all sis

the world is yours

[werey0uh0nestwithy0urself]

This is the most inspiring thing I have ever read

[rosebudmendes]

I used to think I could only have one “aesthetic” but baby girl, you can have 5 “aesthetics” in one day without shedding a tear

[violetscatsandwitchcraft]

And whether you change your aesthetic once a day, once an hour, or once every five years, your life/body is yours to do with as you please. Change it when you want to, and let no one harass you about it. Who cares if you didn’t wear dresses before. You don’t need to answer to anyone about your sudden influx of flannel. Be you. Whoever you is this minute, even if it wasn’t you five minutes ago.

[neopoints]

me n the girls walkin into target headed straight to the clearance bread rack

[jerryterry]

[tamascotchi-deactivated20190101]

jerrod how long did it take you to photoshop all that bread

[jerryterry]

Did it the lazy easy way: 

It may be less than stellar, but I have a strict personal rule: “don’t put longer than 30 minutes’ effort into a fetish joke”. The second you hit 30:01, the exposure becomes lethal and the fetish becomes unironic.

[nyawave]

FETISH?????????

[mias-back-from-the-dead]

god i wish i were you

[dust-princess]

Whitch part is the fetish? Bread or Pokémon?

[hikari-ni-naritai]

I’m so sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but it’s the bread

[miraculous-writings]

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ITS THE BREAD

[trappedinavelociraptor]

world heritage post

[vittyyluvscookies]

Am I wet? Am I on my period? Did I pee my pants?- next on wtf is going on down there.

[submissivefeminist]

I’m so glad this is a universal wondering among vagina-owners, haha.

[chaotichowlite]

‘Vagina-owners’

[anxiousnerd]

Tune in next time for: Are these menstrual cramps? Am I pregnant? Is it just gas? I wouldn’t have to ask these questions if I didn’t have a damn uterus

[sexylibrarian1]

Next week: Is it a bladder infection? An ovarian cyst? Do I have endometriosis? Oh God please do not let it be cervical cancer! A 20/20 special

[occupyvenus]

Y'all are forgetting the all-time classic: Is it just my period or is my appendix about to burst? Some nice tea and a heatpack or 911 and emergency surgery?

[phantoms-lair]

There is actually a test for that last one!

Place your hand over the pain, press down slightly and release. If the pain doesn’t change by any great margin, you’re fine. If it suddenly becomes some painful you can barely stand, Get thee to an Emergency Room

[taysweetbae]

reblog for the safety of vaginas and their owners

[greedyagain]

The appendix test works with or without a vagina so reblogging for everyone.

[headspace-hotel]

being a college student is so primal. Like a wolf roaming the tundra, my only thought is of my next meal. Unlike a wolf roaming the tundra, I have an analytical essay due next week

[jaredduck]

guys who rarely wear suits look at least 385% hotter when wearing a suit while guys who usually wear suits look 451% hotter when wearing casual clothes trust me this is science

[c3po]

man 2008 had some bangers!!!!!!

[slimetony]

there was a financial crisis

[c3po]

sorry i was like 11 i only remember the bangers 

[itsagifnotagif]

dogs with jobs

[moss-wizard]

What a year this week has been.

[we-dont-matteratall]

It’s Monday.

[jacuwi]

It sure as hell is.

[actualaster]

The earlier in the day Monday you reblog the funnier this gets

[pussysoupforthesoul-deactivated]

[ahhthelegend]

not you

[clamchowdurr-deactivated2022040]

Yo that’s a good ass point!!!

[littlescratches]

“If that’s rape, then I have been raped,” scoff the women.

“If that’s rape, then I would be a rapist,” whisper the men to themselves.

And nobody wants to talk about that.

[assyrianjalebi]

[clavicula-diaboli-prolis]

Forgot the best part:

[softlenaluthor]

[crossguild]

why are jason’s only solutions for any problem either ‘molotov cocktail’ or ‘marriage’

[nbjanet]

Most people: fight or flight

Jason Mendoza: fight or fuck

[sairayesha]

He’s got the the face of a Greek god and the problem solving ability of one too