If we pause for one moment.
Just for one second. We are falling. Drowning. Left behind.
But if we did, and take a breath.
We might keep moving forward.
Even though we don't know and don't have the answers.
A/N.
Here's part four. 18+ only, Minors DNI. mention of pregnancy, abortion, adoption. ANGST. a tiny bit of fluff. SMUT. sexual explicit content.
I hope you like it, it's a long one. sorry for the wait. thank you for your support.
WORDS.4073ish.
Part Four - What Was I Made For?
“ Tell your son Maurice that I love him very much — first because he is your son and secondly because he is himself. I find him good, clever, cultivated… ” - George Sand.
His lips were brushing your collarbone, making you shiver. Sighing, you arched your back to press your body against his firm one.
You heard him chuckle above you, his face a mere shadow in the room. You slid your hands through his thick black hair, his mouth drifting up, then settled inside the crook of your neck while he grasped the back of your thighs to hook them around his waist. Rolling his hips against you, you bit back a moan, biting your lip.
" Do you feel me? " Aaron asked you, his voice hoarse.
His lips licked the skin of your throat, growling, he thrusted his hips again and again. You cried out, feeling his hard cock under his pants pressing against you.
There.
" Do you feel what you do to me, baby? " He grunted, rolling his hips, his fingers digging into your thighs. " I'm so hard for you. " He panted, biting you gently.
You ran your nails through his hair, moving with him, tilting your head forward, and you kissed his shoulder. Aaron slipped his hand on your leg and reached your stomach. Sliding it under your shirt, you felt his fingers caressing your skin gently.
" She was right, you're going to make me so happy. "
Gasping, you sat on your bed, opening your eyes, sweat drenching your entire body under your pyjama.
A dream.
It was just a dream.
Panting, you looked around, trying to focus on what you could see in your bedroom. Trying to focus on the present.
Daylight was coming under your heavy curtains.
Breathing slowly, you took the glass of water from the bedside table and took a sip. You quickly looked away, avoiding your eyes from lingering too long on the drawer where the letter was hidden.
It was a dream. It was only a dream.
It's only been a few weeks since he left, and he has already invaded your mind.
Sighing, you rushed to the toilets before your body betrayed you.
Like every morning.
---
flashback;
" The boy who made you cry doesn’t deserve you. "
Blowing your nose in a tissue, you turned your head toward the woman sitting next to you. A kind smile on her lips, blue warm eyes, and short blond hair, she was holding out another tissue. You slowly took it, lips trembling.
Her eyes gleamed with gentleness under the fluorescent clinic's light.
Despite the warm atmosphere in the waiting room, brown walls, beautiful plants scattered all around, and the delicious smell of baked goods, the lights in the room were very tiring to your eyes.
Harsh.
" I'm sorry? " You arched an eyebrow, confused.
" The boy who made you cry. " She repeated softly. " He doesn't deserve you, honey. " She continued a faint knowing smile on her lips.
You wiped your nose and the corner of your eyes, his words from the other night coming back to you. Sighing, you dropped your hands on your thighs, your feet tapping nervously on the floor.
" How do you know it's about a boy? " You inquired your gaze on the floor. " It could be medical. " You nodded toward the shiny gold letters fixed above the clinic's reception.
" Oh, honey. " She glanced at you, a hint of wisdom inside her eyes. But also some sadness. She put her hand on yours. " It's always about a boy. And then about a man." She sadly smiled. She lightly pressed your hand, her warmth comforting. " You are going to be ok. Everything will be alright. " She added, her voice carrying confidence.
Your name was called by one of the nurses as your OBGYN appeared behind them at the reception. You smiled at the woman beside you before slowly rising. Taking your bag on the ground, you started to walk toward your doctor, legs shaking.
You swallowed hard, echoes of your pain pounding inside your chest. She smiled at you, gesturing to you to follow her to the side of the nurses' station.
"Here are your files and some brochures." She turned on her heels, handing you the papers. " I’m sorry about earlier, I only assumed. " She apologised, pushing her hands inside her white coat's pocket. "I'm sorry. "
" It's alright. " You nodded, glancing briefly at her before looking at the papers inside your hands.
" You still have many options. And you still have time before making a decis-"
She continued talking to you, but your brain slowly tuned her out. Your ears were ringing, your throat was dry, and your eyes were glazed by tears.
You thought you were struggling with the hardest part yet.
However, avoiding the subject and the possibility didn't make the situation easier.
On the contrary.
You should have expected it. After all, it was what she wanted.
And now, you had to make a choice.
However, you weren't alone.
Even though the last time you saw him was painful and slightly heartbreaking, you weren't alone.
You needed to see Aaron and tell him.
end flashback.
---
Walking through the park, you enjoyed the sun rising slowly in the blue sky. It was a beautiful early morning, promising another sunny day.
No clouds in the sky, and only a gentle breeze caressing your cheeks. You smiled, closing your eyes and breathing deeply the morning air. Enjoying the small moment of warmth. Walking beside you, Ashley smiled, glancing at you.
" Maybe I should move on from the BAU and join the Domestic Trafficking Task Force. " You announced, opening slowly your eyes. "Be with you. "
" Maybe. " She shrugged, looking ahead.
" You don't want me to be with you? " You scoffed, jokingly offended, furrowing your brows at her.
" Before talking about moving on, you have to come back to the Bureau first. " She declared, stopping in her tracks. You continued on the park's path, avoiding her blue gaze. " You must write and give your report on Salem. You need counselling and to see a therapist. " She added, her voice rising as you keep on walking. " Before moving on, you need to make a decision about the baby. "
You halted.
" You can't pretend nothing happened. Not anymore. " She cried out behind your back. " Especially, not right now. "
Breathing hard, you glanced around the quiet park. A few people were out. Joggers and professionals walking or running fast.
Founding an empty bench ahead, you took a few steps, anxious.
Taking a seat, you crossed your fingers on your thighs. Besides the commuters and athletes, you found quiet tranquility watching the empty green space ahead of you. Ashley sat next to you.
It's been five weeks since you came back. Three weeks since you had the blood test at the clinic. Three weeks since he left. One week since you sent a text to your friend.
And, it would be a lie if you said you didn't think about it.
A little.
" Did you think about, " She started, taking a breath. " Abortion. "
" I can't take the pill. " You whispered, watching the grass moving slightly. " My body won't respond well if I took it. "
" W-What do you mean? " Ashley inquired, alarmed.
" S-She. " You answered, your voice quiet. " She gave me something when she drugged me. Something that can cause terrible side effects if I take the pill for an abortion. " You murmured, swallowing your fear. Your pain. " A-And, I-I can't do the surgery. Being put under scares me so much. Not after. " You glanced briefly at her. " Not after Salem. "
She stayed quiet next to you. Looking up, you saw a flock of birds in the sky. Flying. Free.
Grasping the edge of the bench, you leaned forward, looking at the ground.
" What about adoption? " She suggested, her voice also quiet." Do you think he would let you? "
" I don't know. " You replied, biting your lower lip. " Maybe. I don't know. " You met her eyes, grimacing. " I'm scared, Ashley. Scared that by the time he comes back, I -"
" You will have formed a bond with it. "
" Yes. "
" So, you had thought about it. "
" Are you kidding? " You laughed, rolling your eyes up. " It's all I could think about. I'm growing a tiny human in my vagina. "
" You're growing a tiny human in your vagina." She repeated, chuckling softly.
" I-I have been artificially inseminated by an Unsub. " You laughed, the full understanding of the situation hitting you. " With my boss's sperm. " You added, voice shaking with uncontrollable laugh. " And, now I'm pregnant. "
Ashley grimaced a small smile appearing on her lips.
Absurd. This entire situation was surreal, like a crazy joke.
Or, an awful prank.
You heaved, closing your eyes briefly.
Unfortunately, it was not a joke. Not a prank, but real.
It was your life.
" I-I -" You laughed, died down on your lips, pressing your back on the bench next to her. " I need to see a therapist. "
Sighing, you wiped the tears from the corner of your eyes.
" Yes, you do." She agreed, nodding her head. Turning her sight to you, Ashley smiled, taking your hand inside her own. " Yes, you do. "
---
During the next few weeks, the hardest part wasn't programming another appointment at the clinic. It wasn't starting your therapy sessions.
It wasn't the written report you had to complete on the Salem case.
No.
The hardest part for you was to return afterward. To the Bureau. Not the first time. You already crossed this step. But your hardship came from coming back to the office after giving a copy of your report to Rossi and Morgan.
And by default, Erin Strauss.
It will be kept confidential and archived in some dusty old place at Qantico.
But it meant that, at a certain level, the truth was known now.
Which made you even more nervous when Strauss asked to see you.
Seated in front of her desk, you rubbed your palms together, trying very hard not to stare at your boss's boss too hard.
The blond woman was combing through your files, her fingers turning page, after page, slowly.
With each turn, you felt your heart beat once inside your chest, anxious.
" After only two sessions, your counsellor signed that it was alright for you to return to the office? " She asked her eyes never leaving the page of the file between her hands.
" Yes. " You answered quickly, rubbing your sweaty palms on your thighs. " But no field work, though. " You added, looking at her hands, feeling tense.
She hummed and kept reading through the report.
A long moment of silence passed before she closed it and set it on her desk. Removing her glasses, she pushed her back against her chair, a finger set on her mouth, pensive.
" I-I know what happened in Salem was highly unusual. " You began, voice loud. Calming your nerves down, you licked your lips. " But, I'm ready to come back. I'm ready to work again. On myself, personally, but also professionally. " You added, confidence filling your lungs.
It wasn't a lie.
Nothing but the truth. Of what you wanted. Moving forward. Not backward.
You looked at her, determined to show it.
" And, how do you feel? " Strauss inquired, tilting her head.
How do you feel?
It was the same question your therapist asked you at the start of your two sessions together.
How do you feel?
And in both of their gazes, you could see it. Even if they were trained to hide it. You could still discern it.
Pity.
But like the therapist said. You had to keep walking. Slowly but still. Moving. Forward, never backward.
How do you feel?
" I don't know. "
" I see. " She nodded once before reaching for something on the left side of her desk. Holding out to you, a small smile appeared on her face. Compassionate. " Here. "
You took it, hand slightly shaking. Your eyes skimmed rapidly over the paper. The words making not much sense to you.
" What does this mean? " You asked, confused, you look back at her.
" It's a new start if you want it. "
---
It happened on one cold evening. You already ate watching a reality show on television.
Hot shower: Check.
Comfy PJs: Check.
Warm drink: Check.
And you didn't know. It was some kind of urge deep inside your stomach. A tingling sensation in your legs. An emotion heavy in your heart.
All of that combined made you move toward your bedroom and open the bedside table.
Carefully.
Slowly.
You took the letter, opened it gently, and started reading the words written in his sharp and neat handwriting.
" If you're reading this, it means I'm already gone.
I'm sorry.
Us, last night wasn't a mistake. It wasn't just sex.
I wanted that. This. Us.
But I wish it had happened differently.
I would have asked you on a date. Offer you flowers. And take you to a good restaurant where the music is soft, candlelight were set on the table, and where the food is delicious. At the end, I would have taken you home and asked if I could kiss you goodnight.
I had a plan in my head for months now. I was waiting. Biding my time to let you grow and gain confidence in your new role.
She robbed this moment for us. She used me, but she also used you. She hurt you deeply. And words cannot tell you how sorry I am.
But now I'm gone. I wanted to tell you. I tried.
Please forgive me when I come back. Forgive me for my words. Forgive me for leaving.
You can reach me at any time if you need anything.
I will respect your choice and any decision you make.
I'm here for you. I will always be. - Aaron. "
A wet spot appeared next to his name on the paper.
You lie down on your bed, gripping the paper hard inside your hands.
Tears falling on your cheeks.
You read the letter again. And again.
Until your eyes grew tired. Until you fall asleep.
---
You arched your back, a moan escaped your lips while he moved above you. He dropped his warm forehead against yours. Your breathing echoed inside the dark room.
" B-baby. " He grunted, thrusting his cock, deliciously stretching you. " Come for me. "
You slid your hands across his smooth, naked back, licking your lips. You hooked your legs around his waist. Closer. You wanted him closer. Aaron pushed his face inside the crook of your neck, slamming his hips against yours. Again. And again.
" Come for me. " He mumbled against the shell of your ear before biting it gently.
" A-Aaron. " You stuttered, gasping for air.
" Come for me. " He repeated, his lips pressed against your feverish skin. "Come for me. Come for me. Come for me. Come for -"
Opening your eyes, your sight was met with the harsh morning light behind your windows.
You forgot to close your curtains last night.
Groaning, you grasped your heavy blanket and put it over your head.
Another morning. Another dream.
Lying on your back, you tried to calm your breathing, closing your eyes. But as on cue, it happened like every morning for the past few weeks.
It started with churning inside your stomach.
And then, cold sweats on your skin.
You quickly rise and walk fast toward your bathroom.
---
Days became weeks. And weeks turned into months.
Time became somewhat of a blur of finishing your training, working on cases, helping multiple police departments across the country, being supervised by Morgan, and trying to stay healthy and not indulge in your cravings.
That's why on a Friday evening, you were trying to reach for the tea bags on a higher shelves in the BAU's kitchen.
" He asked about you. "
Pausing your hand mid-air, your eyes opened slightly, anxiousness growing inside your stomach. And something else. Hitching.
Tense and forgetting about your tea, you turned on your heels, meeting Rossi's dark stare. You leaned your back against the small kitchen counter, crossing your arms on your chest.
Early night had fallen on the Bureau; a few people remained, but more of them were on their way out. You nodded behind Rossi's back to Reid, waving at you before crossing the double doors.
Breathing slowly, you glance briefly at Rossi.
" W-What did you say? "
" I don't want to lie to him. " He pushed his hands deep inside his pants pocket. Walking toward you, his gaze never left yours, while nervousness pounded inside your chest. " Besides being my chief, he is also one of my friends. I don't want to lie. " He explained, leaning next to you against the counter.
Twelve weeks.
You couldn't lie anymore and pretend you had a light breakfast/lunch/dinner every time someone saw you eat for twelve people. So, you had completed the document and sent it to your supervisors.
Ten hours.
It took Rossi ten hours to finally talk to you. You knew it would be him and not Morgan. He was nonintrusive about people's personal lives.
Unlike Rossi. They both read your files, and they both knew what happened.
The conclusion was not too far to reach. Especially when your Salem report was still on their desk. Despite Strauss's order to let it go.
" You need to tell him. " Rossi urged you, voice quiet and gentle.
You sighed, biting your lower lip.
Something was burning inside your chest. He had no rights. Telling you what you needed to do.
You felt suddenly very warm, your breathing starting to grow quicker.
" Did you read the letter? " The brown-haired man inquired, his voice soft.
Angry.
You were irritated by his questions. His voice. All his demeanour.
Everything started to annoy you.
Dave Rossi was annoying you.
Pushing yourself away, you reach for the tea bag in the box above your heads and drop it inside the burning hot water.
You heard him call your name behind your back. You counted to ten inside your head, trying to calm yourself.
Barely.
You turned on your heels, gripping the cup inside your hand.
" Thank you, Agent Rossi, for telling me your concern about my personal life. " You smiled politely, breathing hard. You took a step back, watching him lean away from the counter, worry inside his eyes. " But it's my personal life, and as one of my work supervisors, I don't feel comfortable talking about my personal life with you. "
You quickly walk toward your desk despite Rossi calling your name several times behind your back.
---
For the hundredth time today, you flushed the toilet, rolling your eyes up.
Your bathroom break has been multiplied by ten since coming back to the Bureau.
Putting your pants back on, you heard the main doors being opened and closed, and feminine voices echoed inside the tiled room.
" Are you sure? " The first voice asked.
" Yes, Morgan told me. " A second one answered, whispering under her breath. " She's pregnant. And Hotch is the father. "
You paused, breathing sharply. Warm. You felt too warm inside the small cubicle.
" That's- That's-" The first voice stammered, shocked. " Wow. "
" Right. " You heard the sound of water pouring down from the tap. "This Unsub was an absolute nutcase."
Garcia. Penelope. The second voice was Penelope. Afraid to move, you slowly pressed your back against the door, hands on your swollen stomach.
" Isn't she transferring to a local branch in a couple of weeks? " The first voice asked quietly.
" That's what I heard from Dave. " Penelope replied. You could discern hesitation inside her voice. " D-Do you think Hotch will leave with her? If she keeps the baby. "
" I don't know. Maybe. "
Closing your eyes, you bit your lower lip. Sweat started to drench your back.
Waiting.
You just needed to wait a couple more minutes, and they will be gone.
" I think he would leave. It's his baby, after all. " The water was shut down. " Which means he will leave us. That's not fair. "
" Penelope! "
" No, JJ. " The blond-haired woman whined. " We lost Emily. We just got you back, and now Hotch is leaving. " Her voice grew distant, their steps echoed inside the room. The door opened. " Because of an horrible…" The door closed.
Inhaling sharply, you opened your eyes, tilting your head against the door behind you.
Your heart broke a little as her words replay inside your mind.
---
" Our session is almost over. " His smooth voice echoed inside the small room. " Is there anything else you would want to discuss before the end? " He asked, turning a page on his notepad.
" Do you believe we all have a purpose? " You inquired, glancing briefly at the therapist before looking back at the gleaming diamond at the tip of your finger.
" What do you mean? "
" I keep thinking that the Unsub. " You started before taking a deep breath. " Mathilde Vincent. She used me because she needed me. She wanted something from me, so she forced me to do it. " You continued, your voice filled with heavy pain. " I never thought about it before, but is that my purpose? What was I made for? "
The room became quiet as the therapist didn't answer. Nervously, you looked up and watched his warm brown eyes filled with soft compassion. The room was well-lit with a warm orange glow, making you feel at peace and bringing you comfort at the same time.
Seated in front of him on a plush turquoise couch, you pushed the ring on your fingers per habit.
" I think life is not a smooth and peaceful journey. Sometimes massive bumps, harsh curves, and red lights are part of our journey. And it's on us to keep the control no matter what happened. "
---
It felt more like a heavyweight boxer landing his final punch repeatedly than a small baby kicking inside your stomach.
You gently pressed your palm against it, pushing gently. A smile appeared on your lips when you felt it pushing back.
But something was wrong.
You felt the hair on the back of your neck rise. Someone was watching you. Someone was here with you in the small print room.
Swallowing hard, you slowly took all the paper from the machine and turned toward the door.
Familiar brown-eyes met yours. Warm, sun-kissed skin. A beard you were itching to touch.
Your heart skipped a beat, surprised. Shocked.
Hotch stood at the door.
He was there.
He was back.
" Hi. " He breathed out his eyes, looking at every feature of your face and body. Lingering on your stomach.
You didn't answer. Pressing your back against the printer behind you. Startled.
He shouldn't be here. Not now.
It was too soon.
You knew he would come back at some point, but you thought you would be long gone by the time he came back.
" I-I - " He stammered, confused, his eyes never leaving the sight of your stomach. " You should have called. " He breathed out, eyes filled with confusion but also wonder. " You should have called. "
A shadow appeared behind his back.
" Hotch. " Morgan announced, putting on his ballistic vest. " We have to go."
Raising his head. Derek's gaze met yours, then looked back at his chief. Perplexed, he halted in his steps.
" Give us a minute, Morgan. " Hotch murmured, his dark eyes never leaving yours.
"Alright. I will wait for you in the car. "
Silence settled inside the room.
Tense.
" Talk to me. " He pleaded, taking a step toward you, his voice gentle. " Say anything."
Resolved. You stood firm, licking your lips.
You thought you could have avoided this moment. Maybe leaving a letter, but the time had come. And you had made your choice. She used you but you could choose to let him go.
" You said that you would agree with any decision I made, right? "
" Yes. " He replied, nodding his head once.
" I don't want you in my personal life anymore." You announced your voice growing strong. " I don't want you to talk to me if it's about a personal matter or come to my apartment. " You added, harshly, confident in your choice. " We can work together but that's it until I leave. "
His posture grew tense, putting his hands on his waist. Aaron looked briefly at the floor before looking back at you, puzzled.
" I -"
" Please. " You urged him, tears starting to gather inside your eyes. You firmly took the files you were holding and pressed them against your chest. Moving, you walked around him. " I'm doing this for the three of us. " You stated before leaving.
Sadness. Pain. Anger. Dread.
These are the feelings that make one feel alive.
They reminded us that we are humans. We hurt. We pay for our mistakes and damage.
But who's paying for the ones we didn't account for?
A/N.
Here's part three. 18+ only, Minors DNI. mention of panic attack. ANGST. SMUT. sexual explicit content.
I hope you like it, it's a long one, again, sorry. thank you for your support.
WORDS.4342ish.
Part Three - Exile.
“ I was a queen, and you took away my crown; a wife, and you killed my husband; a mother, and you deprived me of my children. My blood alone remains: take it, but do not make me suffer long.” Marie-Antoinette. (allegedly)
On the first day after getting back, you lie on your bed, staring at the ceiling.
And when sleep came, the nightmares started.
Memories that your brain tried to bury emerged.
The house. Her smile. The drugs.
The memories were painful as if reliving everything for the first time.
So, you decided not to sleep anymore.
Sleep was overrated anyway.
---
On the fifth day, you felt like living in exile from the world.
By choice.
You couldn't stand going outside. You did it to bring back your food orders, but it was an effort. To move. Life around you was still going on as if nothing had happened.
So, you started to pretend. It was better to pretend and not to think about it.
You still had your training to complete as a Probationary Special Agent, and you began to read the reports and the files. Being an Agent has been your goal since you were little.
There was a lot of material to study. To focus on.
Exhausted, you poured all your concentration on them.
---
On the eighth day, you had so many messages on both your answering machine and your phone, you decided not to listen to them anymore.
Every member of the Team had called.
Penelope, Morgan, Seaver, Reid, Rossi, and even a therapist whose name you have never heard before.
But not him.
Not Aaron.
He never called.
You had finally given in and started to try to sleep more than a few hours. But every night, you woke up from the nightmares, tears on your cheeks.
The house. Her smile. The drugs.
But the most troubling thought that kept you awake afterwards was not the house, her smile, nor the drugs.
Instead, you were wondering. Why didn't he call?
---
On the tenth day, Ashley succeeded. You were out of your apartment.
But everything felt different.
The sun was too bright. People were too loud. And your iced coffee was too cold.
You recognised the busy city street, except it seemed changed somehow.
Murkier. Older. Greyer.
" Do you want to talk about it? " Your friend put down her coffee on the table gently, her tired eyes staring at you carefully, looking. Searching for something. " You didn't say anything about what happened since we came back in town. "
" What is there to say? " You shrugged, taking a sip of your drink, your eyes never leaving the words on the report down on the table. " What did you put in the observation box at the end? " You inquired, taking a pen between your fingers.
Sitting outside the coffee shop, your eyes were wandering over the file, but you had some trouble focusing on the words.
Birds were chirping above your head. Cars were passing by on the road. Families were out enjoying the sun and the fresh air.
Happy. Living.
" You’re avoiding the question. " Ashley observed, sighing, she crossed her hands on the table, her eyes never leaving your face.
" I'm not avoiding anything. " You replied, starting to write on the paper.
" You are! " She argued, concern inside her blue eyes. " You're avoiding the subject like nothing happened."
Because nothing happened! You wanted to scream.
Taking a deep breath, you looked up at her, putting down the pen.
" What do you want me to say? " You announced, chuckling faintly under your breath. " I have nothing to say. " You slightly shook your head.
" They are looking for her. " Ashley reminded you, leaning toward you across the wooden table. " She might have taken off and disappeared after leaving that stuff at the hospital. But Hotch and Rossi are looking for her. " She continued. " You cannot act like nothing happened when a woman kidnapped you and violated your intimacy because her entire life had been destroyed. You have to talk about it. " She pleaded, reaching for your hand across the table.
Closing your eyes briefly, you pushed your back against the chair, removing your hand from hers.
The house. Her smile. The drugs.
" D-Did you make an appointment at the clinic yet? " The blond-haired woman asked you, her voice gentle.
No.
Not this. You refused to think about this.
You felt the tears coming, and you were tired.
Tired of crying. Tired from the nightmares. Tired of the past.
" P-please, Ashley, can we not…" You whispered, your voice shaking. You could feel the warmth of the sun on your face, but you felt only coldness inside your heart. Petrified coldness. You opened your eyes and reached for your stuff across the wooden table. " I-I have to go. "
You slowly stood up, putting your bag on your shoulder, and taking your coffee in your hand. People at the table behind you started to laugh. Life was still moving on around you, but you were stuck in the past. Pretending not to worry about the future.
" I'm sorry. " Ashley apologised, quickly wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. " I'm truly sorry. "
---
Twelve days, and still nightmares and studying were your only routine now.
Rushing to the door, your wallet in your hands, you didn't check before opening, and you were stopped on the threshold when your eyes met his.
Your heart skipped a beat.
" Hi. " Aaron Hotchner smiled faintly. He raised his hand, his fingers were gripping a white bag with a red dragon logo on it. " I got your food downstairs. "
He was here.
You stand still in front of him, paralysed. You dropped your eyes down, fidgeting with your sleeves. You were trying hard not to let the memories flood your mind.
" H-How do you know it's for me? " You mumbled, glancing at him briefly.
" Did you think it was only the coffee order? " He replied, tilting his head to the side, a smirk on his lips. " Can I come in? "
Nodding once, you let him in.
He was looking casual, wearing a black shirt, jeans, and a black jacket. You stared at him, putting the bag on your small kitchen counter. He glanced around, but Aaron Hotchner felt out of place inside your small apartment. Your dark blue curtains were drawn, making the room look smaller and darker even though night was only about to fall on the city.
Files and papers were scattered all around the place, on the couch and tables. Dirty dishes were piled in the sink. The TV was on, the low sound of a show playing in the background.
Your boss.
The Chief of the BAU was inside your small apartment.
" We need to talk. " He announced his warm brown eyes on you. " I wanted to give you some space to process, but I can't stay away anymore. "
Avoiding his gaze, you walked toward the table and started to unload the bag. You felt his eyes on your body, on your face, scrutinising your movements.
" Sure. " You whispered, your eyes never leaving the food on the table. Anxiety started to grow inside your chest. You licked your dry lips. " I'm sorry, I only ordered for one."
" It’s ok. " He smiled gently, walking toward you. " How are you feeling? " He stopped on the other side of the counter, pushing his hands inside his pockets.
Rubbing your sweaty palms on your thighs, you turned around to wash your hands, swallowing your fear and nervousness.
" Fine. " You lied, smiling quickly. You glanced at him over your shoulder. " You? "
Aaron sighed, not answering, worry inside his eyes.
You turned on your heels, wiping your hands, before taking a small plate and unloading rice and sauce on it.
Silence settled between you, the only sound was the end credits of the show on the television.
You sat on one of your barstools and started to quietly eat, awkwardly, in front of him. Your mind focused on the food, while you never looked up to meet his gaze.
You couldn't. You wouldn't.
Because you knew the moment you looked at him for too long, her word will come back to haunt you, once again.
Another episode started on the TV, and you both stayed there, you eating, Aaron watching you.
Waiting for the truth.
Full, you put the leftover in your fridge, and the empty box in the trash. You glanced once at him. Deep purple lines under his eyes, Aaron looked back at you, leaning his back against the counter.
" I will wait the entire night, if I have to. " The brown-haired man declared quietly, crossing his arms on his chest.
" For what? "
" The truth. "
Breathing deeply, you turned around and walked into your bedroom, fleeing. You lit the small lamp before stepping inside the bathroom.
Brushing your teeth, you tried to find a way to force him to leave you alone.
Calling was safe. He should have called. And you could have screened his call.
It showed that he cared. It showed that he didn't forget. And, it would have helped you avoid a discussion with him.
Being here with you was too much. You needed him to leave.
Putting down your toothbrush, you were now resolved after the most awkward dinner in your entire life to make him go.
Walking inside your room, you stopped, your eyes meeting his confused ones. Standing inside your room, he had removed his jacket. But what made you pause was the ring in his fingers, gleaming brightly.
" You didn't give it to forensic? " Aaron asked, puzzled, putting down the leather bracelet back onto your bedside table.
You didn't reply, irritation began to boil inside your stomach.
You took a small step back, hands trembling, nostrils flaring.
First, he was here. Then he started to touch this.
He shouldn't be here. You didn't want him here.
" Why? " He asked, frowning his eyes at you, his voice smooth.
Except, blind scorching rage was pounding inside your mind. You wanted to scream at him to put it back. You felt the familiar tears gather inside your eyes. But for once, you weren't sad, but frustrated.
Angry at him. At yourself. At her. At the world.
Aaron took out a tissue from his back pocket, and before you knew it, you were on him.
" It's mine. " You screamed, your voice echoing inside the room while you reached for the ring. " It's mine. Mine! "
You tried to catch it, but Aaron quickly pushed his hand behind his back, his other one on your hip, pushing you gently away.
" You can't keep it! " You cried out, angry tears falling on your cheeks. You struggled to reach for it, hands raised, trying to get closer to him. "It's mine!" You roared.
" S-Stop. " Aaron shouted, struggling to avoid your hands, he pushed his arm back. " You are going to hurt yourself. "
" It's mine. It's mine. " You started to hit him on his chest, yelling, crying. " Mine. Mine. " You repeated, your palms slamming his chest. " She gave it to me! " You sobbed, lips trembling.
" Stop. " He growled, voice raised. Panting, he tried to grasp your wrists. " Please, stop. "
But you only avoided his hand and started to punch him on his arms, shoulders, breathing hard, screaming incoherent words.
Anger exploding inside your body. All your rage, your hurt coming out.
Frustration growing inside him, Aaron let the ring drop on the floor and pushed you on the bed. Your back hit the mattress, you didn't stop sobbing, your hands were still hitting him. First, with one hand, as he took the other one, pushing it above your head.
" Stop. " Aaron whispered, straddling your hips. He took your other hand into his own, trapping it against his chest. " Stop. " He murmured, his eyes filled with guilty tears, voice pleading.
" I-I can't. " You admitted, heaving under him. " It h-hurt s-so much. " You stammered, pressing your head against the pillow behind you.
Closing your eyes, all the emotions, terror, anxiety, and pain were resurfacing, crushing your heart inside your chest. Aaron pressed his forehead against yours, brushing your nose with his.
" I know. " He sighed, his thumb stroking your hand. " I know. "
You slowly opened your eyes and found his sad gaze on you.
He deserves to be happy.
Warm. He was so warm and heavy above you. It felt good. Comforting to not be alone.
And that's what you wanted. To not feel alone. To not feel the pain anymore.
You wanted to feel alive.
" I'm sorry. " You murmured, caressing his chest gently under his fingers. " I'm sorry. " You repeated, tilting your face forward, you watched him carefully before kissing him gently on his mouth.
Aaron inhaled deeply, perplexed, your soft lips moving on him. He slowly closed his eyes, kissing you back.
He deserves to be happy.
Humming against him, Aaron slid his hands to grasp your cheeks between his warm palms, his lips gliding unhurriedly against yours, pushing a leg between your thighs.
Good.
Free, you pushed your hands on his back, stroking his hard muscles under the smooth fabric of his shirt. Aaron started to lick your lower lip, smiling, you opened your mouth, letting him. Stroking his tongue, teasing, you started to unbutton his shirt, your hips grinding against his. Panting, Aaron broke the kiss, pushing his head inside the crook of your neck.
" W-We need to stop. " He stuttered, his voice hoarse. He took your wrists inside his hands, closing his eyes briefly. " We can't. " He breathed out, his lips pressed against your ear.
You needed him. You needed his lips.
" You deserve to be happy, Aaron. " You explained quietly. Cupping his cheek, you forced him to look at you. " Let me make you happy. " You whispered before pressing your mouth on his.
He murmured your name, his lips brushing yours, his hot, warm breath against your skin, making you shiver. He broke the kiss once again, pressing his forehead against yours, panting above you. He closed his eyes, furrowing his eyebrow, thinking. You slide your hands on his chest, slowly unbuttoning his shirt.
" Why? " Aaron asked while you pushed his shirt away from his body before pressing a kiss on his chest.
You didn't answer, licking and kissing his warm skin, moaning low. Aaron trembled above you, cursing while your hand stroked his body, and goosebumps appeared on his arms. You took one of his nipples and bit it gently. He grunted, licking his lips, eyes closed, while your fingers reached for his belt. Putting one hand above yours, Aaron thrusted his hips against your palm. You whimpered, feeling his hard cock under his pants, pushing against your fingers.
It was his fault. You were hurting because of him, he thought.
But maybe he could bring you some comfort, pushing the pain away for a couple of minutes. If not with words, or a listening ear, his body could do it.
" Tell me why, and I'll let you have it. " He murmured, opening his eyes, his mouth above your lips.
His pupils were dilated, his breathing uneven. Sweat started to gather on his body. His scent was invading your head, making you lightheaded.
Drugged on him.
" When your lips are on mine, you're the only thing that I can think about. " You faintly smiled. " Aaron, you make me feel alive again. "
That's all he needed, and he was on you.
You didn't know where he began and where you ended. Kissing your mouth, he helped you remove his pants and his shoes, before pushing your hand on his hard dick, hissing between his teeth, Aaron shoved his hand under your shirt, stroking your breast. Arching your back to his touch, you whimpered, rubbing him tightly, your thumb caressing gently the tip.
" F-Fuck. " He moaned, grasping your breast hard. " You s-sure? "
You pushed yourself to seat, making him back away, kneeling on the bed. You removed your sweater, and he helped you remove your pants and underwear. Lying back on the bed, you grasped his shoulders to press your naked frame against his.
Breathless and high on each other, nothing seemed to matter.
The ache, the distress, and the damage were no more.
Kissing him hard, teeth clicking together, Aaron teased your clit with the tip of his cock, making you wet. Growling against your mouth, he slid his lips on your neck, kissing and biting your skin. Closing your eyes, you guided him to your pussy, stroking him gently.
" A-Aaron. " You panted as he sank inside you, slowly.
Deliciously stretching you, he bit your neck, pushing himself to the hilt. Staying there, Aaron tilted his face, kissing your cheeks, licking your dried-up tears.
Without hurry, he started to find his rhythm, slamming his hips gently at first, then harder.
And harder.
The blissful sensation filling your body. He mattered. Nothing else but him.
" B-Baby. " Aaron moaned, dropping his head against your shoulder, out of breath, his pace became sloppier. " S'Good."
Aaron pressed his fingers inside your mouth, you sucked on them, closing your eyes, breathing hard through your nose.
Digging your nails into the skin of his back, you gasped as he dragged his wet fingers to your clit, moving them quickly between your bodies. And then you felt it, growing inside you, beginning where your bodies were connected.
It was perfect.
It was what you needed.
" Come f'me. " He rasped, his lips against your ear.
And you did. You came hard, whimpering under him, arching your back, shockwaves pulsing inside your body. Staring at you, his pace became sloppier, eyes glazed, Aaron licked his lips, watching you.
Trying to catch your breath, you felt him pull out. He took your hand and guided it on his throbbing cock to stroke him quickly.
He came moaning your name, spilling his come on your pussy, the tip of his cock pressed against your clit.
Aaron pressed his naked body against yours, holding himself on his elbows so as not to crush you. He kissed your cheek. Once. Twice.
Exhausted, your breathing echoed inside your bedroom. He took the blanket that fell on the ground. Moving his body away, he lay next to you, dropping the sheet above you.
You felt good.
Happy. Smiling, you look up at the ceiling, inhaling deeply.
It's been a while since you felt this way. Light and joyful.
" I-It won't last. "
" W-What? " You glanced at him, happiness still warming your stomach.
" The high. " He sadly smiled. " It will come down, and all the old feelings, the memories will come back. " He watched you, sadness filling his eyes.
You turned your head, looking back at your ceiling. Your newfound joy started to be shattered by his words. But also, what you saw inside his dark eyes.
Regret.
" You can't fix what happened with sex. " Aaron rose from the bed and started to put his clothes on. " We still have to talk. " He declared, pushing his legs inside his pants, his back to you.
You heard him, but still, you didn't say anything. Clinging to the last effect your orgasm made you feel, you pushed your blanket under your chin, feeling suddenly very cold.
" We have reasons to believe that Mathilde crossed the Canadian border. " He announced his voice soft, looking at you over his shoulder. " We passed all we had on her to the Canadian authorities, but we, " He stopped, turning on his heels, his shirt on, " We cannot do more for the moment. " He added, sighing. " The Director and Strauss wants the case to be put to rest.
You heard him. You felt him move above you. But his words didn't make any sense.
She was still out there. But, what about the victims? The kidnapping? The assault?
She was free while you were drowning. She was free while you were hurting.
She shattered your life, and she was walking.
" I'm sorry. " He apologised, glancing briefly at you, scrubbing the back of his neck. " I'm deeply sorry. "
Staring at the ceiling, you let another stone of pain drop inside your chest.
Tired, you didn't have any fight in you anymore to be angry.
Only the burning ache remained.
" They are doing everything-"
" I don't need to hear it, Hotch. " You interrupted him, rising as well from the bed. You needed to reread a paper for the coming weeks of your training. " I'm fine. "
Looking for your pyjama, you avoided his concerned eyes following you around in the room.
" I need to know what your plans are. "
" My plans? "
" You're becoming an actual Agent in only two years, and you would have the official accreditation to go to any department. " Aaron started, his clothes back on. You felt intimidated and quickly put back your underwear, then your pants. " You need to think carefully about your future."
Breathing hard, you pushed your arms inside the shirt. The diamond shone on your floor, catching your eye. You swiftly take it, picking up your clothes from earlier as well.
" I won't tell you what to do because it's your body. " Aaron added his eyes on your back. His voice was gentle, but you could hear the hint of an edge inside it. Hesitation? Guilt? Regret? " But, I need to know what your decision is. "
You put the ring in your back pocket. Turning around, you put your clothes inside your laundry bag.
Something was off.
" Why now? " You asked, looking at him across the bed. " After all these days of silence, why did you came here tonight? " You inquired, crossing your arms on your chest.
He didn't answer, looking away from you, his eyes dropping to the floor. You rolled your eyes before leaving the room. Shutting down the TV, you started to gather some paper from the couch and coffee table. He followed you, his steps quiet in the living room.
Night had fallen, outside, you lit one lamp, and rushed toward your desk.
" Why? " You asked again, avoiding his gaze. " Why is it so important to you? " You continued, making a pile of crime reports from your training. " Despite what happened tonight, we are not a couple. You're still my boss, and I'm just a PSA. " You reminded him, dropping the files on the table before walking toward the kitchen. " Nothing has changed. "
" Yes, everything is changing." He stood behind you. " She was after me. She wanted to hurt me. It concerned me, not just you. "
Hurting him.
You stopped, confused.
No. No. That wasn't her goal.
But how could he know? You glanced briefly at your desk, where your own report for the Salem case was under a dozen papers.
Blank.
They knew some of it. But not all. Not what she confided to you.
" Hotch, I-"
" This is on me. " Aaron interrupted you, taking a step in your direction. " This. " He gestured between you and him. " Plus what happened in Salem was a mistake that we can fix, " Aaron assured you, nodding his head, confident.
" A mistake? " You froze, blinking rapidly, your voice only a whisper. " A mistake?" You repeated.
" Yes. " He replied, clenching his fists at his side, he took another step, the counter was separating you. " I'm leav - "
" Get out. " You murmuring, cutting him out.
Ears ringing, head pounding.
You needed to be alone while his words echoed inside your brain.
He opened his mouth then closed it, once, twice.
Closing his eyes, he pinched the bridge of his nose, biting his lip.
" That's not what I wanted to say. "
" Just get out. " You breathed out, shaking your head, looking at anything but him. You took a step back, your back bumping against the sink behind you. " Please. "
" Alright. "
He took his jacket and walked toward the door.
Trembling, you didn't watch him, turning on your heels, he opened the door. Gripping the edge of the counter, you tried to calm down, closing your eyes. Heart pounding inside your chest. Breathing began to be difficult.
" I'm going now. " Aaron looked at you, memorising your face, your body. " But if you need anything, I'm here for you. No matter where I am. "
He shut the door quietly, leaving you alone.
You started to count in your head. All your panic attacks were usually gone when you reached thirty.
This time, you had to count to one hundred before you felt your heart calming inside your chest.
---
Sixteen days and nothing had changed, except you could now smell Aaron's scent on your sheet.
" Seeing your reaction, I can only assume you're happy. "
The OBGYN words resonated inside your head as you rushed into the BAU bullpen. Everyone was focused on their work while you climbed the stairs up, your eyes on his door.
It was late, but you could see Reid leaning above his desk from the corner of your eyes, raising his eyes, he met yours and waved, frowning faintly.
You waved back but continued on your path to his office.
Knocking once, you opened before hearing an answer, and your eyes were met with a dark, empty room.
What?
Stepping inside, you looked around, stopping in front of his desk. Neat as usual.
Feeling a presence behind you, you turned on your heels, ready to meet his dark-brown eyes.
Prepared to have the discussion.
But your eyes were met with a different kind of brown eyes.
Surprised and confused, you took a step back, unease growing inside your stomach.
" Where is Hotch? " You asked the doctor, your voice resonating inside the empty room.
" He's gone," Reid announced, his voice soft, a sad smile on his lips. " He left for Pakistan yesterday. A mission was assigned to him. " He reached inside his pocket. " He left this for you. " Spencer pulled out a paper from his pocket, holding it out to you.
An envelope, with your name written on it.
He left.
He's gone.
Give ; to present freely and without expecting something in return.
Sometimes being happy is not enough. Sometimes being helpful is not enough. We all make decision. To what end?
Love, of course.
A/N.
It's Happy Halloween! Here's part two. 18+ only, Minors DNI. mentions of kidnapping. light torture. mention of rape (implied). mentions of breeding (implied). depiction of a dark cases similar of what we can see in criminal minds. ANGST. It's still sad. sorry guys, but the next parts are going to be better. i promise.
I hope you like it, it's a long one. thank you for your support.
WORDS.3651ish.
Part Two - Dolls
" Only you can make the joy or sorrow of my life; I know only you, and beyond you, everything is nothing to me. " - Madame de Sévigné.
" Hotchner. "
Aaron was standing outside the office, his phone pressed to his ear, fatigue consuming his entire body.
He didn't get much sleep through the night. It was already two p.m., and still no answers.
From his Agents. From Penelope.
Everything seemed to slow down. Too slow.
He lost control and, helpless, all he could do was try to stay focused on the job and not listen to the emotions raging inside his mind.
If he did. He would implode.
" Sir. " The Detective announced, his voice strained and quiet on the phone. "We found another body. Another woman. "
Aaron's heart stopped beating for a second. He stopped breathing.
Another body.
Something in his stomach dropped, low, hitting his gut.
Trying to breathe was difficult, but he did it anyway.
Looking up, he caught Derek brown-eyes through the office windows and nodded his head to the exits of the police station.
Turning on his heels, walking fast, Aaron Hotchner prayed silently to any Gods who would listen.
To Hailey.
" Where? "
---
In and out of consciousness, you felt sick and disoriented.
The rain had finally stopped outside, and a small ray of light was coming through one of the boarded windows.
You didn't rest through the night as you could hear sudden bangs or thuds from upstairs that woke you every time sleep came for you.
Throat dry, you turned your eyes toward the woman. Her back turned to you, she was focused on her task on a small black desk. Raising slightly your back, as much as possible, you tried to see what she was doing.
She didn't leave your sight all night long. Gentle and kind, she didn't seem like the kind of woman who would have the strength to burn people.
Hurting them.
Like most psychopaths.
" T-They will come for me. " You rasped, your voice hoarse and dry. " The BAU, they will come for me. " You blinked rapidly while she turned around, smiling faintly. " And, for Ashley. " You added, distraught by the notion of not knowing where she was.
" You need to rest. " She reached you, pushing gently your back against the mattress, stroking your shoulders.
You slowly flinch away from her, irritation filling your chest. Closing your eyes, hard, you tried not to let the angry, frustrated tears slip and fall on your cheeks.
Focus.
You had to focus.
Hotch. She is talkative about him.
" You said that Aaron deserved the world. " You whispered, opening slowly your eyes. Her green one seemed to gleam brighter at the mention of his name. "Why?"
" Because. " She chuckled lightly, taking a small blanket from under your bed, she began to wrap you with it. " A year ago, he lost his wife, you know. " She reminded you, turning around the bed, a hint of sadness appeared on her features. " Nobody should lose the love of their life. " She whispered, her eyes unfocused.
Swallowing hard, you started to cough loudly, your throat dry. Startled, the woman frowned at you, tilting her head to the side before walking fast toward the desk. Turning once again, she cradles your head into her hand, holding out a cup of water to your lips.
Gently helping you drink, her smile reappeared on her face.
" That made me remember that we are not done yet. " She announced, putting your head down, a large smile appeared on her lips, happiness shining in her eyes.
Setting down the cup behind her, she took the familiar syringe from last night into her hands.
Horror filled your heart as you tried to move away from her, your restraints clanging loudly against the bed.
No.
" No. " You cried out weakly, watching her push the drug through your IV. "Please, no. " You shook your head, trying to meet her eyes, pleading.
" Just one more. " The woman softly declared, glancing at you, nodding firmly. " One more. "
" S-Stop. " You mumbled, fighting the drugs, losing as you were forced to close your eyes, once again. .
" You know I can't. " She softly murmured, stroking your head. " He deserved unconditional love, and we are going to give it to him. "
---
A small gathering of people stopped and gawked at the scene behind the yellow tape in the park. The sun was shining bright in the sky.
But Aaron's eyes were centered on the image CSI gave to him when he arrived on the crime scene. It was taken a couple of days ago at one of Jack's football games. He and his son were mid-high five, excited from Jack's first goal. Proud smile on his lips, his child laughed with pure joy, which had warmed his heart.
But now he could only feel cold anger growing, slowly.
All this time, and he never knew someone was following him.
" Hotch. " Derek called behind him, his voice was solemn. " They are ready for us. "
Taking a deep breath, Aaron turned around to join Morgan next to the body. A white sheet was covering the victim. Nodding once, the coroner's assistant swiftly uncovered the body's head, to the FBI Agents' eyes only.
His eyes were wandering over every feature that he could discern on the victim.
But nothing.
Nothing could be identified. The victim was too burned. Derek shook his head, and the young assistant dropped the sheet.
" You sure it's a woman?" Derek demanded, an edge inside his voice.
" Yes. " The man nodded, pushing his glasses back on his nose. " We will obviously know more once we process the body. "
" How long will it take for you to identify her identity? " Aaron inquired, glancing briefly at the body on the stretcher, his mind filled with quiet concern and sadness.
It was sick to think, but he did it anyway. He knew he was damned anyway, and he would go to Hell for all the sins he committed. To Haley. To his Team. To you.
So he prayed that the body lying wasn't one of his Agents.
" I don't know. Maybe a couple of days. "
" We need that to be faster. " Morgan stated, pushing his hands inside his pockets. " It's important. It might be someone from our Team. " He added, his voice quiet.
" I understand. " The coroner nodded, a sad smile on his face. " We will try to accelerate the procedure as much as we can. "
" Our Technical Analyst will send you everything you need to make the identification. " Aaron concluded, watching the young man pushing the stretcher away.
" Hotch, we should tell Reid and Dave. "
They already lost so much.
JJ.
Emily.
And it was all his fault. His sins.
A gentle breeze shook the branches above his head. Walking on the park's path, avoiding the curious stare, Aaron started to analyse the scene, putting on gloves.
Stay focused. Nothing was decided yet. A lot could still happen.
And the answer could still be given.
" No, not yet. " He replied, looking at Derek above his shoulder, his voice grave. He took his phone in his hands for the umpteenth time, hoping Garcia would call. " Not until they identified the body. "
---
You felt like someone was watching you.
Opening your eyes slowly, you were met with the harsh light above your head, blinding you.
You felt the slight pain throbbing between your thighs. Pressing them together, you close your eyes briefly.
Later.
You will deal with that later.
You had to leave first. Alive.
Moaning, you turned your head toward the windows. The woman was standing in front of one of them.
Night was starting to fall on Salem. You could see a small part of the sky turning dark blue.
You turned your head to the other side, avoiding the piercing eyes of the people in the pictures and portraits.
Your sight landed on the slightly ajar black door, a shadow moving slowly behind.
Frowning your eyes, you licked your dry lips, blinking your eyes rapidly, raising your head a little.
What?
" I have seen so much pain. " The woman started, her voice calm, serene, echoing inside the room.
The shadow behind the door moved once.
And then nothing.
" Too much pain. "
Moving your wrists inside the restraints, you pushed your head back against the pillow, sighing deeply.
Hallucination might be a side effect of the drugs.
" Nobody should suffer as much as I did. " She continued, turning on her heels, she started to walk toward you, slowly. " Especially not Aaron. "
Glancing at her, you saw the doll she was holding in her hands.
A doll who looked strangely like you.
Same skin colour. Same eye and hair colour. All the small features that made your face were on hers as well.
At her neck, a small ring was swaying from a black necklace made of leather.
" I thought you could have stayed. Here. With me. " She laughed nervously, eyeing the door for a moment. " But time is almost up, I'm afraid. " She dropped the doll on the bed next to your legs before sitting next to you. " I offered a collection of dolls, just like this one, to my daughter before she died. " She declared softly, her eyes laced with sorrow, a sad smile on her lips. " She was so happy that she didn't dare to touch any of them. " She explained, taking the doll inside her hands once again, she stroked her hair. " She was afraid to break them. "
Watching her, you saw her painful expression, her lips trembling slightly.
Her green eyes were filled with unshed tears. She turned the ring between her fingers. The white diamond gleamed in the light.
" She was kidnapped and killed years ago, but I still feel her absence. It's an ache that will never leave me. " She continued, her voice calm. Sniffing, she brushed her eyes, looking away from you. " It was a night in Seattle. I told her to come back inside and eat dinner. " She whispered, her sight filled with sorrow. " But she never did. "
Tears started to fall down her cheeks, looking away from you, blushing, ashamed, she started to laugh again through her tears.
You didn't want to.
You tried very hard not to feel.
But you did.
After all she did to you, deep down you still felt her loss.
" My name is Mathilde. " She smiled at you through the tears. " And, I don't regret anything that happened to me. Because I did it for love. "
---
" Vincent. Mathilde Vincent. " Penelope announced through the speakerphone of the office. " Born in France. She came to study History and Literature in Seattle when she was eighteen and never left. She became a nurse, married at twenty-five, to Thomas Bryant. She gave birth to a daughter two years later, Diane Bryant, who- " She paused for a brief moment. " Who was kidnapped and died in -"
" Seattle. " Aaron interrupted, finishing her sentence.
" Yes. " Garcia confirmed.
This was years ago, he thought, closing his eyes.
When he first started.
He didn't remember everything from this case. But he did remember the Bryants. And their pain.
So why now?
"She and her husband stayed together until he unfortunately died, a year ago." Garcia shared, her voice drowning out her fast keyboard strokes. " A couple of months later, she suffered from a miscarriage. "
" How did you find her, Garcia? " Reid frowned his eyebrows, tilting his head to the side.
" Sir? " Penelope lightly coughed.
Aaron licked his lips, pushing his hands inside his pants' pocket before raising his eyes to his colleague. Reid looked deeply confused. Rossi leaned against the table, waiting. And, he could see the distrust in Morgan's brown-eyes.
" Three days ago, a woman stole my medical reports, scans, and samples from the clinic where I had a health check-up. "
" Thanks to the security camera, I could identify the woman as Mathilde. " Garcia added through the phone.
" Why did you not tell us last night? " Dave inquired, scolding his eyes at his Chief.
" Because she stole everything, Dave. " Aaron replied, his voice harsher than we would like. " Even the samples. " He emphasised, his voice grave.
" That's more than an obsession, then. " Reid grimaced, glancing at Rossi. "She might suffer from Erotomia. "
" I don't think so. " Derek shook his head, crossing his arms on his chest. " Her victims are only women, and her fixation with Hotch only appeared once she disposed of the body. She might want only his attention. " He stated, glancing at Reid. " True, on the fourth crime scene, the picture was him and his son, but it doesn't mean that the Unsub is in love with him. "
" They were a fourth victim. " The young doctor exclaimed, his eyes going from Aaron to Derek. " When? "
Derek grimaced, dropping his eyes to the ground, guilty.
Rossi stood from his seat, his dark eyes staring at the BAU Chief of Unit, breathing slowly.
Crumbling. Once again, everything around Aaron was crumbling.
And he couldn't do anything to make everything stand again.
"Hotch!"
Aaron was put in the same place when he lost her. When he lost Hailey.
His chest tightened. His frustration was growing.
He needed to think. He needed a plan.
But everything was falling apart.
" Agent Hotchner! " A police officer cried out, opening the office's door. " You should come immediately, sir! "
Following after him into the precinct bullpen, Aaron's eyes found Ashley Seaver's exhausted blue ones and stopped in his tracks.
Her clothes were dirty with mud and rain. Her skin was pale and her lips were blue. Her hair was a mess. Shaking, she was standing, helped by another office, holding her from behind. Her eyes were on him.
But she was standing.
Derek let a sigh of relief escape his lips, while Reid murmured her name.
Alive. And standing.
Which meant…
" Ashley. " Rossi cried out, reaching for her, assessing her frame, gripping her arms. " Are you alright? "
" We need to go. " The blond-haired woman replied, voice trembling, tears in her bloodshot eyes, her eyes never leaving Aaron's. " She might not have a lot of time. "
---
Red and Blue light shadows were blinking inside the room.
Sirens were screaming under the night sky, their screeching sound echoing inside the house.
They were here. But it might already be too late.
Something was wrong.
Your head was pounding with a pounding headache, and all your limbs were heavy like they were submerged in deep water, and it was very hard to move them.
Numb. You felt numb all over.
" Quick. " Mathilde, untie your restraints on your wrist. " We don't have a lot of time. " She added quickly, holding your body to her, she pushed you into a seating position, her piercing eyes alarmed with fear. " You have to keep it."
Taking your right hand, she thrust the doll into it.
You tried to grab it. But your fingers wouldn't obey.
Did she drug you again?
You could hear your name being screamed behind the walls.
" No. " You murmured, shaking slowly your head. Your hands started shaking slightly. "No."
" Yes. " The dark-haired woman argued, pushing it into both your hands. " You hold on to it and give it to his child. "
" N-No. " You repeated, stammering, your voice only a whisper, and both your hands were trembling now.
And the doll fell on the ground. Breaking into tiny pieces.
" Upstairs! "
Hot all over, your body started to shake uncontrollably.
Breath. Failed. Blink.
She watched you, mouth open, shock and anger inside her green irises.
Breath. Failed. Blink.
She wasn't there anymore.
Disappeared.
Falling on your back, you tried to regain control, but your body wouldn't respond.
Convulsing.
You were dying here, alone. The seizure had taken your entire body.
" JESUS CHRIST! "
Lights.
Breath. Failed. Blink.
His face appeared above your head. Such a nice face. Tears were in his eyes.
Breath. Failed. Blink.
The sound of his voice was muffled to your ears, but his lips were moving.
Breath. Failed. Blink.
You felt something smooth on your cheek, someone holding you against their body, hugging you tight.
Breath. Failed. Blink. Darkness.
Dying.
---
" Mathilde is gone, Hotch. " Derek announced behind his back. " We lost her tracks at the edge of the woods. " Shame and anger filled his voice. " An APB is already out. "
Aaron closed his eyes briefly before looking at you and Seaver through the hospital's glass. Lying on the bed, watching the ceiling, your hand was inside your friend's one, holding her tightly while the doctor was standing next to you.
" How is she? "
" The doctor is with her right now. " Aaron answered, his eyes never leaving your frame. " Telling her. "
Derek walked to stand next to him, pushing his hands inside his pockets. Deep lines were traced under his eyes. It has been a long night for all of them.
A long case. Which was not over.
He would always try to forget how he felt having your body convulsing against him, but the sensation might never leave him.
Taking a deep breath, Aaron's focus stayed on you.
" How can you come back from this? " Derek asked, glancing at him, his eyes full of quiet remorse and empathy.
Aaron was at a loss. Future uncertain.
He used to always know what to say. What to do to protect the people close to him. It was his job.
And he failed you. Like he failed Hailey.
" With time. " He answered after a moment. Your eyes met his through the glass, and Aaron felt his chest being torn in two. " Patience and compassion. "
You looked up at the ceiling again, not moving.
Only staring.
A nurse entered the room, walking to your side, she stopped at the bedside table and started to check your vitals and different monitors, then took your charts at the end of the bed, writing on it while the doctor kept talking to you, a sad smile on her lips. Seaver leaned into you, but you didn't look at her.
You stayed lying there, unmoving.
The doctor said one last thing before leaving with the nurse. Ashley kissed your forehead before following them.
Face pale, the blond-haired woman walked toward Aaron and Derek, shutting the door behind her.
" The doctor said that you arrived at the right time. " She explained quietly, tears in her eyes. " If-"
" Don't." Derek interrupted her gently, setting a warm hand on her shoulder. "Don't go on his path, you will only find misery. " He continued, his voice soft.
She nodded, biting her lip before glancing at her Chief, blushing.
" Does she know everything? " Aaron emphasised the last words, carrying more painful meaning than they should.
" Yes. " She answered, redness colouring her cheeks, avoiding his gaze. "She didn't say anything since she woke up. "
" You should talk to her, Hotch. " Derek suggested, sighing deeply. " She needs you. "
---
You heard him walking inside the room. You didn't look at him, but you knew it was him.
His steps were confident and soft against the linoleum of the hospital floor.
He sat in the chair where Ashley had sat earlier.
Ashley.
She cried when you opened your eyes. Apologizing continuously until the doctor came into the room.
You didn't say anything, only holding her hand.
Empty. You felt empty.
You had heard her. And, you had heard the doctor's explanations.
But you still could feel this hollow inside your chest.
You wanted that. You needed that
" Talk to me. " Aaron urged you, his voice calm.
What to say?
Blinking slowly, your eyes never left the ceiling.
Afraid.
You felt them coming earlier when you met his eyes through the glass, but you had kept them at bay, looking away from his brown irises.
You wanted to feel empty.
It was better than. Than.
Aaron took your hand gently, pressing your finger, warm and soft.
" You have to let them fall, at some point. "
No.
Empty was good.
Empty was the better option.
It felt safe.
" I am here. " Aaron assured you, pressing once again your hand inside his palm.
Here.
He was here.
Aaron Hotchner, the man who deserved the world, was here. Her voice echoed inside your mind.
The man who deserved to be happy.
But what about you? Don't you deserve to be happy, too?
You wanted to scream it.
But instead, tears started to fall on your cheeks, your body trembled with each sob.
And everything came back to you. All the tension, fear, and consequences rushed to your mind all at once, and it hurt.
Damn it, it hurts.
Burning you from the inside out. Helpless.
His hand left you, and was quickly replaced by his warm body.
Avoiding his gaze, you let him lie down next to you, his arms embracing your shoulders, pushing your head on his chest. His head above yours.
Closing your eyes, you let yourself cry.
" A-Aaron, " You sobbed, clutching him tightly, your hands on his chest, voice hoarse. " I-I w-want to go home. " You stuttered, your lips pressed against his shirt, tears falling on your cheeks.
" You might be too weak to travel. " He answered gently, pressing your body to him, and he started to rock you slowly.
" I want to go home. " You croaked, shaking inside his arms, crying even more, thinking about the past. The future. " Please. " You begged.
Two weeks.
You have to wait two weeks before knowing your fate.
And, maybe, decide. You would have to make an important, hard decision for yourself.
Two weeks.
" I want to go home. I want to go home. " You repeated against his chest.
To make a decision that not only involves you. But also, him.
Aaron Hotchner deserved unconditional love.
Stop!
Opening your eyes slowly, something caught your attention on the bedside table.
A black necklace made of leather was set down on the small table.
Around it, a gleaming ring.
No!
Manipulate ; control or influence (a person or situation) cleverly or unscrupulously.
What will you do for someone you love?
What are your limits? What are your boundaries?
A/N.
It's Halloweek and I'm writing a very dark and sad story. 18+ only, Minors DNI. mentions of kidnapping. light torture. mention of rape (implied). mentions of breeding (implied). depiction of a dark cases similar of what we can see in criminal minds. ANGST. tiny bit of fluff. It's going to be very sad. sorry guys, but the next parts would be better. i promise.
I hope you like it, it's a long one. thank you for your support.
WORDS.3145ish.
Part One - The Hauted House.
" Tomorrow, at dawn, at the hour when the countryside whitens,
I will set out. You see, I know that you wait for me.
I will go by the forest, I will go by the mountain.
I can no longer remain far from you. " - Victor Hugo.
Aaron Hotchner and you had a curious relationship.
He was your boss.
But also, the only man who remembered your coffee order by heart.
Taking the cup, you hide your faint smile behind the lid without looking up at him.
" - and the youngest one accused of witchcraft was only 4 years old. " Reid concluded, his speech on the Salem witch trials, placing the last picture of the last woman on the board.
" That's morbid, kid. " Derek sighed, shaking his head. " Where's the first M.E report? "
" Here. " Taking a sip of the delicious beverage, you took a file from the table and gave it to him, but something caught your eye behind the office's large windows.
Seaver was standing next to Rossi, face red with shame. Hotch shut the door behind him, crossing his arms on his chest, he stopped in front of them.
You saw your young friend start to explain something, her usual pale cheeks red with embarrassment. You couldn't see what Hotch was saying, his back to you, but you could only imagine as Ashley dropped her eyes to the floor, nodding along his words.
Rossi looked resigned, holding his hand out in front of the BAU Chief, his lips moving rapidly.
" What's going on? " Morgan took the files you were holding out to him, stopping next to you, watching the scene.
" Nothing good. " Reid grimaced above his shoulder, before turning on the whiteboard, hands raised, he started quickly writing the timelines.
Biting your lower lip, you could only look, Ashley raising her eyes, hand behind her back, she nodded quickly, her head, before excusing herself to the two men, striding away from them.
Fast.
Concerned, you left your coffee behind and began to follow her.
" She was thinking about the victims. " Dave sighed.
" She needs to think about the profile! "
You heard the two men arguing, but didn't stop; your focus was only on your friend.
You found her outside, in front of the building doors, pacing, chewing on her nails.
" Are you alright? " You asked, looking up at the dark clouds in the sky, crossing your arms on your chest, you look back at her, worried. " Do you want to talk about it? "
" No. " She stopped, her back to you, swallowing hard. She turned on her heels, her blue eyes filled with resolution. " I-I have a lead. And I'm going to follow it. " She announced, raising her hand, she showed you the silver keys hanging on her fingers. " Are you coming? "
---
Rain was drenching your FBI jacket, you cursed for the umpteenth time at Seaver inside your mind.
Welcome to Salem!
You glared at your friend back, following her while wiping the rain from your cold cheeks. You didn't even know how she could see anything under this awful weather. But your friend kept walking, her boots crunching the pebbles of the driveway.
You knew she needed this breakthrough; her pride had been crushed by Hotch's hard words earlier.
That's why she wanted to be there. She had to be there to prove herself.
And, you were there as a backup. But also as an annoyed friend who will never let her do something stupid alone.
So, you kept walking behind her.
Looking up, your eyes were met with the largest house you had ever seen—four floors, black stones, with big windows. The house seemed to look like something coming from the Gilded or Victorian Age. Gothic-like, with stone gargoyles at the top, surrounding the black roof.
Gawking, you almost collided with Seaver's back, but stopped at the last moment. You got around her, eyes wide, still on the mansion.
" Is this the right address? " You inquired, voice raised to be heard above the rain.
" Yes. " She replied, scrutinising the residence, her blue eyes determined. Unbothered by the rain on her, she kept her focus on the mansion. "Let's take a look inside. " She nodded toward the house.
She started to walk toward the steps leading to the double doors, her back straight, her focus unwavering.
You sighed once again, pushing your cold hands inside your pockets.
" Ashley! " You called her, but she didn't turn around as she started to climb up.
Looking around, you could see miles and miles of trees surrounding the place. No one was in sight.
No neighbours. No cars passing by.
Glancing back at the house, you saw no sign of life inside either.
No lights. No movement.
It was maybe pointless.
But she was already at the door. You were already there.
What is the worst thing that could happen?
You followed her, eyes sharp despite the rain falling all over you, and you saw puffs of white clouds escaping your lips each time you took a breath.
Shivering, you climbed the stairs and stopped next to her, reaching for your badge.
" FBI, open up. " The blond-haired woman knocked twice on the door, trying to look inside through the windows that were set up on each side.
Old wooden chairs were scattered around on the porch, and dry plants were dying inside different pots.
Every piece of furniture was the same colour as the house. Black.
Odd.
Scolding at the door, feeling irritated, you tried the doorknob.
Which was strangely warm to the touch.
" Should we…- " You suggested pushing the door open, you watched her over your shoulder, raising one eyebrow.
She looked back at the dark sky above your heads, the heavy clouds, and the heavier rain falling hard on the ground.
" Let's take a look inside. " She agreed. " It was my idea, so stay behind me. "
Rolling your eyes, you let her go through the door, squinting your eyes as you walk behind her.
Closing the door, you remarked the red carpet covering the floor under your sneakers. You trailed behind her, trying hard to find your way around as the windows were either boarded up or fogged with condensation.
You could see a staircase on your left, leading up into darkness above your head, but it could also have been a ladder.
Swallowing hard, you could hear the slow drip of water echoing from somewhere.
Ashley took out a flashlight from her coat. And even with the small lamp on, you couldn't discern anything but piles of mess and dirtiness all around you.
Tons of journals piled on and on, dusty furnitures covered with white sheets, and more dead plants.
" It seems abandoned." She declared, her voice shaking a bit. Walking ahead of you, her hand was moving around, trying to put some light on everything around. " I'm going to try to find the light. "
You let her walk ahead, and a sick feeling started to grow inside your stomach.
Something was wrong.
You shouldn't be here without a senior member of the Team.
You could smell the faint scent of smoke and burning wood in the air.
Loud wind coming from outside was moaning through cracks in the walls.
" Ashley? " You called again, licking your dry lips, trying to keep up with her around the messy place. " Ashley, we should leave! " You cried out, your steps uneven, while getting around the furnitures. " I think we were wrong for coming here." You added voice, shaking a little while dread started to consume your body.
Thunder cracks outside made you flinch. Scared by the sudden sound, you quickly turned on your heels and almost jumped out of your skin seeing the reflection of a shadow on a broken mirror set against the wall.
Yours.
The shadow was moving exactly like you.
You let a sigh of relief, chuckling faintly at your overreaction.
Heart beating hard inside your chest, you tried to catch your breath, but you could only taste the dryness of fear in your mouth.
This place felt wrong.
Somewhere above your head, you could hear the distant creaking of floorboards. Glancing up, you were completely unaware of the shadow coming from behind.
A ghost of a person.
A sharp pain exploded at the back of your head. Dazed, you lost your balance, falling on the carpet, knees first, while tears started gathering inside your eyes.
Disoriented and hurt, you let yourself drop to the ground, groaning. Lying on your back, you forced your eyes to stay open, but your eyelids were heavy with sudden fatigue.
You could see a shadow above you.
Someone.
You tried to call for Ashley. Warn her.
Except, nothing in your body would move.
The shadow tilted its head to the side, and it was the last thing you saw before darkness took you.
---
Everything felt sluggish. Your head felt light and heavy at the same time as you tried to turn it to the side. A massive headache started to pound inside your skull.
What happened?
You were lying on something soft, but the cold was biting your naked legs.
Slowly opening your eyes, your gaze was met with harsh white light above your head.
Too bright.
You closed your eyes quickly, a groan escaping your lips.
Where were you?
" Finally awake. " You heard a feminine voice smoothly announce.
Biting your lower lip, you tried once again to open your eyes; the light was less harsh for you this time, and you could discern a huge white lamp above your head. Like the one in a hospital.
What the hell?
You tried to rise, but something was holding your wrists down. Frowning, you turned your head to the side and saw the brown leather restraints encircling your hands.
" You should stop moving. " The voice declared gently, getting closer to you. "The drugs are still in your body. "
Drugs.
What drugs?
Breathing hard, you looked around. You were lying on a white hospital bed. Something tender was biting your right arm. Glancing down, you saw that an IV was set up on your skin. Following the path of the tubes, it was linked to different bags above your heads. Strange machines with black screens were beeping. Flashing graphs in different colours were blinking on them.
Deep down, you knew you weren't at a hospital.
Dread started to fill your stomach.
Looking around the room, you saw peeling wallpaper revealing dark stains beneath the dirty walls in the room, except for one, which was made entirely of concrete.
On it were different paintings and black and white photographs of people from different times in history.
And then, your eyes met her green ones.
They were calm, almost soothing. Standing in front of you, she smiled faintly, tilting her head to the side, holding her hands in front of her.
Swallowing hard, you tried to remember what happened.
The case. The flight. The house.
" Ashley. " You mumbled, voice hoarse, your mouth dry, you tried to sit on the bed, but the straps were holding down tightly, groaning, you took a glimpse of your clothes and watched with horror the white and blue hospital gown that was covering you. " M-My clothes. " You stammered, looking back at the woman in front of you, trembling, you felt tears gathering inside your eyes, dread shattering your mind. " Wh-Where are my clothes?"
" You're so pretty. " She smiled, pushing a strand of black hair behind her ears. Her eyes were filled with wonder, and some kind of adoration. " Beautiful. " She added in a whisper.
" A-Ashley?" You repeated, glancing around, trying to see if your friend was somewhere around, licking your lips, and you looked up at the woman, scared. "Where is she? "
She only smiled, walking toward you, then paused to look at the things above your head.
Her clothes were plain, dark, and clean. She seemed to know her way around the technical machines, her hands moving quickly with efficiency.
The case.
What was the case about? Somehow, you found yourself at the heart of it.
Closing your eyes, you tried to remember, staying calm and taking deep, long breaths.
Two.
No, three dead bodies were found burned in different parts of Salem, Massachusetts.
Woman. Young.
And Hotch.
Hotch played a part in it somehow.
His name. And his picture was found at the three crime scenes.
" W-what, " You breathed, opening up your eyes once again. " What do you want with Aaron Hotchner? "
Her attitude changed at the mention of his name, gleaming with happiness, she started to chuckle, blushing deeply.
" He deserves the world." She nodded, pride inside her eyes. " He deserves to be happy. " She continued, a knowing smile on her lips.
Not hate.
Alright. She didn't hate him. That was good.
You could work with that. You learned how to work with that.
She seemed to admire Hotch.
" He likes you, you know. " The woman above you whispered like it was a deep secret, amusement flickering inside her eyes. " That's why I chose you. " She winked before turning her back.
Chose me? Hotch likes you?
Furrowing your eyebrows, you felt the bed moving under you, putting yourself into a sitting position. You could discern the rain still falling outside through the fogged glass of the windows. Licking your lips, you looked at the woman who turned on her heels, a gentle smile still on her lips, and syringes in her hands.
Thunder was roaring outside, but nothing was as loud as your heart beating fast inside your chest, fear and anxiety filling your lungs.
" Like me. " The woman's calm voice resonated inside the room. " He deserved unconditional love." She took a transparent tube between her fingers, one that was linked to your IV. " And, I'm going to give him that. " She pressed her thumb on it, pushing the injection inside the IV.
" What-" You began feeling suddenly tired, sleepy. " W-What are you…"
She shushed you; her kind green eyes were gentle, compassionate. She stroked your head with her warm fingers, softly, then brushed your cheek while your eyelid tried to fight sleep once again. Scared out of your mind, you tried to move your arms, but nothing would cooperate.
" What are you doing to me? " You whispered eyes clothing.
" The real question is, what are you going to do for me, Cadet? " You heard her murmur before walking around the bed. " You need to sleep now. You need to rest. " You could feel her move in front of you, a warm palm touched your leg. " Your body needs the rest. "
Was the last sentence you heard her say before falling unconscious.
---
It's only been a couple of hours.
But for Aaron, it seemed it had been weeks since he last saw the two youngest members of his Team.
He shouldn't have raised his voice at Seaver.
She was prone to take to heart what an authority figure said to her.
He knew it, but seeing his face and his name next to the burned victims, implicating him personally in this case, made everything more important.
More personal.
What if the Unsub went after Jack?
" Ok, " Rossi sighed, brushing a hand on his tired face, worry in his eyes, he looked around at the men sitting at the table. " Let's regroup. We need to focus. "
" The Unsub is a woman mid-to-late thirties. " Morgan started, looking at the pictures of the victims on the table.
The small precinct's office was quiet. Night had fallen on the city of Salem. Most of the people were already tucked in their beds, sleeping unaware of the monster outside.
But Aaron knew about her. His Team knew about her.
And, they couldn't go to sleep until they found her.
Two lives depended on it.
" Who is showing remorse for her kills, sending apology letters to the victim's family. " Derek concluded, pushing his back against his chair, his eyes never leaving the files in front of him.
" She is highly intelligent, skilful, and must have worked in the medical field at some point, as she wraps all her burned victims with a sheet of clear film. " Reid continued, briefly looking at Aaron before dropping his gaze back on his map. Taking a pen between his fingers, he started to make small circles on it. "Organised and patient. She never left any indications of where she burned the victims before taking them on the streets." He added, rising up, he put the map on the whiteboard.
" And she has an obsession with you, Aaron. " Rossi concluded, his voice solemn.
At his words, Hotch glanced at his friend, an acute pain carving his chest.
Since Foyet, he had never been intimately close to a case before.
Profound dread had consumed his body since Penelope showed him the file last night.
" No one knows what Seaver found before leaving? " He asked his Team once again, looking at them around the table, before stopping on the youngest. "Reid? " He called the doctor.
" No, " The brown-haired man sighed, a hint of sadness inside his eyes, his pale face tired from lack of sleep. " She only texted that she found a card, but never mentioned what was written on it. "
" Penelope said that both their phone were off. " Derek repeated, closing his eyes briefly. " She's working on tracing the last place their phones had their signal on. "
" Do you think they are lost? " Reid inquired, his back stiff with anxiety.
" Penelope couldn't find anything about the SUV's GPS. " Morgan replied, stroking the back of his neck.
Aaron felt his phone vibrating against his chest. Taking the device out, he pressed it against his ear.
" Garcia, I-"
" Sir, don't put me on speaker. " The trembling voice of the woman interrupted him urgently. " I need to talk to you alone. " She added in a whisper.
Rising, Aaron turned around, avoiding the worried and confused look of his coworkers. Leaving the room, he walked toward a window in the dimly lit hallway of the police station, his eyes watching the rain falling outside.
" Talk to me, Garcia. " He urged her, his voice calm, trying to keep his mind clear so as not to cloud his judgement.
" Sir, something very odd happened. At the Mercy Grace clinic. "
" I don't understand how it could be related to our case. " The dark-haired man frowned his eyes, perplexed.
" Sir, two days ago, you-" She hesitated, her voice quiet." Y-You went there for a checkup. And, every file, every test you did, all the samples they kept are gone. They were stolen. " Garcia explained, her voice calm, but Aaron could feel her unease through the phone.
His heart skipped a beat inside his chest. Brushing his fingers together at his side, he saw the reflection of his face growing paler, listening to her voice.
" Every scan, every sample, blood, saliva, and - "
And.
That.
Only someone with a deep obsession with him would do that.
Would want to own the most personal things about him.
And.
" Th-The good news is that the hospital sent me the tape of their camera, so give me a moment and I can find more information about the person. But, in the first images I have seen, we can see clearly a woman, sir. " Garcia blurted fast and breathless.
And.
And.
" Find her, Garcia. Find everything you can on her, Garcia. " Aaron ordered, his voice calm but cold, irritation growing inside his stomach. " I mean everything. I want to know which middle school she went to. What is the name of her favourite movie? What she ate this morning. " He added, harshly, anger boiling inside his stomach. "Am I clear?"
" Yes, sir. "
And.
Semen.
---
" Please let me go. " You mumbled. Hot, you were feeling too hot and sore. "Please." You begged, tears falling on your cheeks, your legs moving up and down on the bed.
Sweat was covering your entire body, and she was delicately wiping your forehead with a cold glove.
" You still have to stay for nine more months. " She whispered, stroking your hair before pressing a soft kiss on your forehead. " Aaron is going to be so happy with us. For what we did. " She smiled fondly.
Both sentences could be applied here has they help you to have the dreaded discussion with him.
Aaron. Hoctch. Aaron. Hotch.
Are they even the same person?
A/N.
18+, Minors DNI. sexual explicit content. fluff!. SMUT.
I hope you like this last part. thank you for your support.
WORDS.2848ish.
Everything was too loud. Everything was too bright.
Lightheaded, you danced mindlessly on the beat coming from the bass, your eyes closed. You felt the numerous bodies around you, pushing you, dancing with you, but only the music remained inside your brain.
The vibration echoes inside your body.
You felt the presence of someone in front of you. Opening your eyes, you suddenly regretted the three margaritas you drank.
Plus, the four baby Guinnesses Morgan bought for you.
Blurry.
Your vision was blurry, but you could make out the man in front of you, a flirtatious smile on his lips. He started to lean his body toward you, his eyes gleaming, licking his lips.
No. You're not him.
You're not Aaron.
Swallowing hard, your throat suddenly dry, you took a step back. But your back collided with something solid behind you, like a brick wall. Tilting your head to the side, your heart skipped a beat as your eyes caught Aaron's dark ones.
Hotch. Your boss, you tried to remind yourself.
The one you left a couple of hours earlier. Like a coward.
He was here. With you. At the bar.
One of his hands slid on your stomach, pushing your back closer to him. Hotch's eyes glance back at the man in front of you, a pointed look on his face.
Forgetting about everything but only him, you turned around, pressing your frame against him.
" You looked weird. " You smiled, pressing your forehead against his, your voice hoarse and raspy. You raised your arms to cross your fingers behind his neck. " You're wearing a suit in a club." You grimaced before laughing.
" And, you're drunk. " Aaron deadpanned, dropping his gaze to look at you. His brown eyes were filled with amusement, but his face was still impassive.
" Tipsy. I’m tipsy. " You corrected him, looking at his mouth, hypnotised.
The feelings you had pushed down since you started working at the BAU were coming back. His body pressed against yours, reminding you of the times at the club. All around you disappeared. The music. The people.
Only his voice and his eyes remained anchoring you here. In the moment.
" I missed you, too, you know. " You admitted biting your lip, frowning your eyebrows, you couldn't remember why you avoided him in the first place. " B-But, I missed Aaron, not Hotch. " You raised your eyes, pushing your chest closer. " I don't like Hotch. " You added, your voice solemn and grave.
" So Hotch and Aaron are not the same person? " He inquired, raising one eyebrow, smiling faintly.
" No." You exclaimed, outraged. " Hotch never smiles and is always business-like. Unlike Aaron, " You tilted your head inside the crook of his neck, pressing a small kiss on his skin. " Aaron is fun. He makes me laugh and gives me the most mind-blowing orgasm."
" W-We need to go. " Aaron stammered, pushing you gently back, grasping your hand in his, he started to walk toward the door.
" Wait." You cried out, following him. " I-I need to tell Derek and Penelope, I'm leaving." You yelled, having some trouble walking behind him.
" You will text them in the car. " He declared, glancing at you, his voice dark.
He didn't raise his voice, but you heard him anyway.
Heart pounding, you followed him anyway, passing people by.
Your gaze never left his back.
---
Everything was going too fast.
Eyes closed, forehead pressed against the cool window, your mind was a little bit clearer, but your body started to betray you as soon as the car started to move. You tried very hard not to get sick, focusing on anything but the inside of your stomach.
" The things you make me do. " Aaron sighed next to you, driving.
" I- I thought you liked it when I didn't follow your rules. " You mused, licking your dry lips. You pressed your forehead harder against the glass. " Well, Aaron does. "
" I don't have a mental disorder, you know. " He turned his eyes briefly to you. Changing lanes on the road, Aaron opened both windows slowly. " I am both. "
Cool air caressed your skin, and you pushed the back of your head against the seat behind you. Opening your eyes, you saw darkness and street lamps lit in the quiet streets behind the windshield.
" Maybe you're right." You agreed, looking at him, a small smile appeared on your lips. " Maybe that's why you, SSA Aaron Hotchner, took and sent a naughty picture while flying on a federal plane. " You chuckled, looking at him, blushing, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. His knuckles were becoming white.
Aaron cleared his throat, rolling his eyes at you, smiling.
" That is not my proudest moment. " He announced, shaking his head. Stopping the car at the red light, he finally looked at you, his brown eyes soft. "But I was desperate. "
Your heart suddenly stopped beating. Seeing him vulnerable and honest made you feel awful. You lied and ignored him for all this time while he kept wondering what he did wrong.
And then you delete the app.
Maybe it was your karma.
You should be sick.
" I see. " You breathed out, looking back at the windshield, breathing deeply through your nose.
" We need to talk. " Aaron concluded, starting the car back.
Talk.
Anxiety filled your stomach, making you more nauseous than before. Leaning toward the window, you close your eyes, breathing in the night air.
Now? Where to begin?
" Why do you hate me? " You whispered.
The question never left you since you heard him and Erin talk inside his office earlier.
A few seconds passed.
And when he didn't answer, you force yourself to look at him, turning your head, you saw him hesitate.
Closing your eyes once again, you waited, attempting to calm your nerves.
And your stomach.
" I don't hate you. " The dark-haired man sighed.
" You said that I will ruin your Team. " You recalled, eyes still shut.
" I didn't want Strauss to know the truth. " He explained, his voice soft. " I never felt attracted to a coworker before. " He added, turning his sight to you.
Feeling like your head was spinning, his words were comforting among the dizziness. Unclosing your eyes, you smiled.
" Before me? " You asked your voice small.
" Before you. "
That was good to hear. Right?
So why did you feel like your insides were trying to climb out of your throat?
Hot. You were suddenly feeling too hot.
" A-Aaron? " You stuttered as you started to sweat under your clothes.
" Yes. " He hummed, glancing at you, his eyes grew worried as he watched you.
" Stopped the car, I'm going to get sick."
And you did.
All over the sidewalk.
---
Everything was too quiet. Soft fabric against your cheek.
Lying. Bed.
You were lying on a bed and everything was quiet around you. Opening your eyes, you were met with red numbers blinking back at you.
11:11.
Groaning, you turned around, pulling the blanket with you, but you glimpsed the red and blue patterns on it and paused.
That. That wasn't yours. And that wasn't your bed, or your furniture and walls.
Images from last night came back inside your mind in a rapid flash.
Coming back from the case. Hearing Hotch and Strauss. Hotch, realising who you are. The bar with Morgan and Penelope. Leaving with Aaron. Getting sick. Falling asleep.
You sat abruptly on the bed, nervousness making your heart beat faster inside your chest. Looking around, the room was simply decorated. Light curtains were letting the sun come through the windows inside the room. Pushing the blanket aside, you start to rise from the bed, but you stop on your tracks, seeing the grey t-shirt on you.
That wasn't yours.
You heard a soft knock on the door before someone entered.
Hotch appeared in the doorframe, wearing nothing but pyjama pants. Tousled hair and bare chest, he leaned against the wall, chuckling.
Your mouth went dry.
" Look who's finally awake. " He smiled, pushing his hand inside his hand pockets. " Is everything alright? "
Yes.
No.
Nothing in your mind will cooperate. You should feel worse, but watching him half-naked in front of you made other stuff insignificant. You felt wide awake, desire growing inside you.
Too long.
It's been too long without him.
" Hey, " Aaron frowned his eyebrows, concerned. He took a step toward you. "Are you ok?"
Work be damned!
You walked fast, removing the space between your bodies, but before you could put your hands on him, Aaron pushed you, one hand on your neck, the other on your hips, pressing your back against the wall. You let a small cry escape your lips, frustrated.
Eyes dark, his thumb brushed the skin of your neck, slowly.
" I didn't give you permission. " He scowled at you, the smile on his lips growing. " Look at you. " He snickered, his eyes wandering on your legs, shaking slightly. " You needy thing. "
Tilting his face toward you, he pushed his face against your neck, still letting space between both of your bodies. Brushing his nose against your skin, goosebumps appeared on your skin.
Inhaling deeply, you closed your eyes, desire filling your body.
" We should talk. " Aaron murmured, his lips stroking you lightly.
" After. " You panted, your hands shaking to touch him. Almost. You almost gave up. " Aaron, please. " You whined, feeling him breathing you in.
" I like hearing you beg. " He choked you tighter, making your head bump gently against the wall. " In my office. In here. "
Watching you with hooded eyes, Aaron pushed his hand away from you, breathing hard.
" Remove the clothes and sit on the bed. " He ordered his eyes never leaving yours as you followed his instruction. " You tortured me, now it's my turn. " He smirked as you sat in front of him, butt naked on the bed.
Swallowing hard, you watched him kneel in front of you between your legs. He brushed his fingertips on your naked thighs, making you shiver with excitement.
Biting your lips, Aaron leaned forward, closing your eyes, waiting. You tilted your head forward. He brushed his nose with yours, his lips only a whisper away from your mouth. But at the last moment, he dropped his head, taking your nipple inside his warm mouth. Gasping, you opened your eyes wide, arching your back. Teasing you, Aaron hummed against you, taking your other breast into his warm palm, massaging it softly.
" A-Aaron. " You stammered, licking your lips.
" I know. " He mumbled against your skin, biting you gently. Raising his eyes to look at you, you saw longing on his face. " I know, honey. " He panted, his voice smooth.
Aaron pressed his face against your breast, kissing and licking your warm skin. He slid his head to your stomach, then your waist. You whimpered under his soft touch. Grasping your knees, his head reached the apex of your thighs, his hot breath hovering above your pussy. Lightly, his fingers stroke the inside of your legs.
" Do you know how I felt? " He asked you, his fingers caressing, teasing. As soon as they reached your folds, they retreat back. " When you didn't reply?"
Moaning, you shook your head, grasping the blanket under you.
" No. "
" Hopeless. " Aaron sighed before he started licking your clit. Biting your lip, you dropped your back on the mattress, moaning. " Promise me. "
You heard him, but you didn't understand what he meant as his fingers started to stroke you and his tongue was encircling your clit, making you arch your back, the beautiful sensation invading your body. Panting, you closed your eyes, feeling one of his fingers being thrust inside you.
" Promise me, baby. " Aaron grunted, his lips brushing you. Quickening the pace of his hand, he added another finger inside, filling you.
Flattening his tongue on your skin, his fingers started to hit the delicious spot inside you. You bit back a moan, your hips started to move as you got higher and higher. Your orgasm close.
" I-I promise. " You mumbled, feeling him flicking his tongue. " I p-promise, Aaron. "
" Come for me. " He grunted, watching you from his spot.
And you did.
You came hard, cursing his name through clenched teeth, your voice hoarse, your eyes rolling back. Shockwaves coursed through your body.
Aaron kissed softly your pussy, moaning deeply. He removed his fingers slowly, making you whimper.
" C-can I touch you now? "
" I have something in mind. " He smiled, licking his lips before rising from his spot.
Pushing his pants down on his hip, his hard cock sprang free. Aaron let out a sigh as he started to pump himself, his hand coated with your wetness. Pushing yourself to sit on the bed, you watched him with hungry eyes.
His left hand moved slowly on his dick; he sighed every time his fingers reached the tip.
" Put your pretty mouth on it. " He whispered, taking hold of the back of your head. Guiding you, he stopped you only an inch from him. " You're going to be my good girl and won't swallow. " Aaron commanded you, his brown eyes full of yearning.
You nodded, and he pushed you against him. Opening your mouth, you took him, your eyes still on him. Aaron tilted his head back as he started to fuck your mouth gently at first. His tip reaching the back of your throat, you relaxed, controlling your gag reflex.
" F-Fuck. " He groaned, closing his eyes. " You take me so good. "
Hallowing your cheeks on him, he started to thrust inside you faster while you suck. Drool began to drop on your chin, and your eyes were tearing up. His cock felt hard and smooth on your tongue, tasting him. You groaned, seeing his body shake, his deep growl echoed inside the room.
And before you could stop yourself, you raised your palms to touch him. You slid your hand on his balls, teasing him. Aaron opened his dark eyes to look at you, pupils dilated.
Heaving hard, his pace became sloppier, and he whimpered incoherent words when your fingers reached him there.
Between his cheeks.
" D-don't swallow. "
Was your last warning before he came hard, spilling his come between your lips. Aaron gasped, went still while his cock throbbed inside you.
You tried to breathe through your nose, holding it inside your mouth. Tears started to fall on your cheeks. He took a shaky step back, panting.
" Honey. " He whispered, dropping to his knee once again in front of you, and he gently held your face. " You're mine. " Aaron groaned before pressing his lips on your mouth.
Gasping against him, his come trickled down on your chin and lips. You could taste yourself, licking the inside of his mouth, and him.
You gripped his cheeks between your hands and suck on his tongue.
Aaron grunted before pushing you back on the bed.
He wasn't done with you yet.
---
" You should have told me. "
Raising your head from your palm. You watched him push eggs onto your plate.
" I couldn't. "
" Why? "
" Because," You started sighing deeply.
Avoiding his gaze, you turned your eyes to the windows of his apartment. Light rain started to fall outside, dark clouds gathering in the sky. Despite being inside, you shivered, pushing the sleeves of his brown jacket over your knuckles.
Where to begin? What did you say last night?
Leaning against the stove, Aaron crossed his arms on his chest, waiting patiently, his face calm.
You started shouting when I came in. Late but still. You were cold and distant. You didn't trust me.
" You're my boss, Hotch. " You summarised, looking up at him, pushing the plate on the counter, you shake your head. " We-we can't do this. " You added, stuttering.
" Don't move. " He commanded, stopping you from rising from the stool. " You promise. "
" What? " You frowned your eyebrows, perplexed, sitting down once again.
" You promised earlier. "
" Really? " You tilted your head to the side. " I didn't even know what you meant!"
" Does it matter? " He inquired, taking a step toward you. Leaning on the counter in front of you, crossing his fingers on it, his warm brown eyes were filled with honesty. " We started something together. I was an ass at work, yes." He declared, chuckling faintly. " But can you blame me? You're attractive, and the first time I saw you at work, you had a wet, see-through shirt. I was destabilized." He explained, dropping his gaze briefly on his hands. " Being attracted to you made me turn into a tyrant to not show my real emotions. And I felt like an idiot trying to set a date with another woman while leering at you. But you're both the same woman. It's confusing as hell. " He added, his voice loud, laughing.
You chuckled faintly, looking at Aaron, who smiled. His eyes bright.
Confusing situations indeed.
Walking around the counter, he raised his hands to tilt your chin up, breakfast forgotten.
" I want more. " Aaron pressed his forehead against yours, his voice smooth. "It's been a long time since I have felt like this. It's more than sex, you know it. "
" Yes. " You agreed, murmuring.
"I am your boss, yes. But I will find a way for us to try to be together. I won't give up. " He added, whispering, brushing your nose together. He sealed his oath with a single kiss, his lips soft against yours. " So, promises to wait for me, honey. "
Smiling against his mouth, you nodded. Opening your eyes, you felt warmth exploding inside your chest, removing any doubt and self-loathing from the past few days.
" Yes, I promise. "
" Good. " He slid his arms around your waist, kissing your shoulder, hugging you tight.
" You're worth the wait, Aaron. "
i wanted to request something just domestic and nice with aaron if that’s okay??
like maybe the wind down in an evening after a long day where r and aaron are just happy to be together at the end of the day
i hope this gives you some inspiration, i love ur writing!!
thankyou for requesting babe!!! <3
Aaron Hotchner x reader who is ready to plan a vacation ✩ 1k words
cw: non sexual nudity, fluff
It’s easy to tell when Aaron gets home, you can recognise the routine by sound alone. First, the soft beep of the alarm system being armed. Then the dull thud of his bag hitting the floor, followed by the quiet clink as he heads straight for the safe to lock away his gun and badge. Off duty at last, or at least, as off duty as Aaron ever lets himself be.
You can hear the deliberate sweep he makes through each room, searching for you. He won’t call out yet; he’s too considerate to risk waking Jack. Your lovely, thoughtful man.
His footsteps drift through the kitchen and living room, switching off lights as he passes, making his slow, familiar approach to the bedroom. That – or he’s just a very polite, well-organised intruder.
“Honey?” he calls, when he doesn’t find you sprawled on the bed.
“I’m in the bath, Handsome!”
Aaron appears in the doorway of the ensuite a few moments later, his silhouette framed in the soft golden glow of the bedside lamp. His tie is already gone, the top two buttons of his shirt undone – small clues to how tired he is, more telling than he probably realises. He doesn’t step in right away and instead leans gently against the doorframe with one hand, watching you in the water while his shoulders deflate.
You smile at him over your shoulder, steam curling lazily in the space between you.
“I was just going to say hi,” he says, voice low, worn down at the edges.
But instead of just saying hi, he crosses the tile, sits down slowly on the edge of the tub, one foot still on the floor, the other tucked beneath him like his body hasn’t quite decided if it’s staying or going. His fingers drift absentmindedly along the water’s edge, not quite touching. You watch his face, the way the light hits it, all hard lines and soft shadows. God, he’s beautiful. Even like this, maybe especially like this.
“Long day?” you ask softly.
His fingers finally find your shoulder, tracing slow, absent shapes along your damp skin. The gesture is feather-light. You feel the sigh before you hear it, deep in his chest, rattling free on the exhale.
“Mmhmm,” he hums, gaze fixed on the water now. “Too long. Not enough hours in the day.”
You turn your head slightly, just enough to catch his hand where it drapes against your shoulder. Gently, you take it in yours and lift it, pressing a kiss to his knuckles; cool skin against your warm lips.
“You need to relax,” you murmur.
He lets you hold his hand for longer than usual, his thumb brushing softly over the back of yours. Then he shifts, reaching out to cup your face, his palm cradling your cheek, his touch reverent and grounding.
“What do you think I’m doing now?” he asks, voice quiet. it's softer than tired, warmer than weary.
You smirk, turning your face slightly into his hand. “Perving on me in the bath,” you say, deadpan.
That earns a real laugh—low and rough, pulled from somewhere deep. His forehead dips until it almost touches yours, his breath warm across your lips.
“Guilty,” he murmurs.
You laugh with him. It catches in your throat and melts some of the day’s weight right off his shoulders. He stays there for a moment longer, close enough that your noses almost brush, the warm air between you thick with steam and comfort.
You press a quick kiss to the corner of his mouth, and he returns it without thinking, automatic, like breathing. Then he sits back up with a content sort of slowness, the curve of a smile still lingering on his face.
He looks at you like this - barefaced, bath-warmed, grinning - and you know he's soaking you in. Like he needs to memorise you for later.
You trail your fingers along the water’s surface. "We should go on vacation," you say, casual like it’s something you talk about all the time and not a sudden ache, tugging at the edges of your heart.
Aaron huffs out a breath, somewhere between amusement and disbelief. He doesn't answer right away, just reaches out again, trailing a damp lock of your hair through his fingers.
You know how it sounds. Vacation. Like it’s something you can just do. But of course, it’s never that simple. Not with him. Not with the job. Not with the hundred tiny responsibilities he carries like invisible bricks in his chest. Still, you’d give anything to see him relaxed, really relaxed. Sun-kissed and sprawled out on a lounge chair, nowhere to be, nothing to solve. Just Jack giggling in the distance, and your hand in his, and maybe a drink with too much pineapple in it sweating on the table beside him. Him, in love and off-duty without a care in the world.
He’s still watching you when he asks, like maybe he's thinking the same thing. "Where should we go?"
You grin, tilting your head. “I think we should go wherever Jack wants to go. Maybe he’ll even do us a favour and pick the beach.”
He doesn’t answer right away. Just nods, once, like the idea is making a home somewhere inside him. The silence stretches, comfortable and close, filled with warm air and the scent of lavender.
“We better get Jack to start thinking then.”
That's enough to satisfy you for now, tipping your head back and your eyes slipping closed, you soak in the warmth around you. But there is maybe one thing that can make your evening even better now.
“ You gonna sit there all night looking pretty, or are you getting in?”
He chuckles and leans in to kiss your temple, the scruff of his jaw brushing your damp skin. “Tempting. But if I get in, I might fall asleep.”
You open one eye, smirking. “And the downside is...?”
“I snore,” he says, completely deadpan.
You snort. “Oh, please. That’s nothing new.”
He smiles again and shifts like he might actually stay a while. One hand finds yours again beneath the water.
You have to choose wisely now, as both your personal and professional lives collide.
A/N.
18+, Minors DNI. light sexual explicit content. some fluff. ANGST. light criminal minds graphic case mentionned.
I hope you like it.
WORDS.2567ish.
flashback - two months ago;
Still inside you, his cock half-hard, you hummed as Aaron set his face pressed against your naked breast. Moving slightly, he made you giggle, lying on you, tangling your legs together.
" You're so heavy. " You laughed, closing your eyes, a smile wide on your lips.
" No, I'm not. " He argued, chuckling, his body vibrating against you.
His arms were around you, hugging you tight. You felt the brush of his fingers tracing random patterns on your skin, making you shiver.
The night had begun with your wrist tied down to the bed's straps. Aaron had teased you mercilessly with his fingers, cock, and mouth until you were just a mess, longing to come.
He had played with your body. Until he also couldn't hold on anymore.
Wanting you too much.
And now, you lie there, catching your breath, enjoying the post-coital moment together.
" C-Can I stay there for a while? " Aaron asked, thrusting slowly his hips inside you. You hummed, licking your lips. "I-It's warm. " He groaned, pressing his lips on your skin, kissing it gently.
" Do you want to…"
" No. " He interrupted you, shaking his head, his mouth moving on your breast.
You couldn't see his face, but you felt him tense above you. Raising your hand, you started to stroke his head, passing your fingers through his dark hair.
" Work was…" He began sighing deeply. " This week has been hard. " He explained, glancing at you, eyes warm, a small smile appeared on his lips. " You help make it better, though. " Aaron murmured, smiling faintly.
You tilted your head down, closing your eyes, you kissed him softly.
" As long as you want. " You whispered against his mouth.
end flashback.
" I'm here. "
" I'm still waiting. Please tell me you're coming. "
" The restaurant is closing. Answer me, so I would know if you're alright. "
" Please. Just talk to me. "
" Did I do something wrong, the other night? Did I hurt you? "
" If it's about the date, I'm sorry. "
" It's been a week. We need to talk. Meeting at the club at the same hour? "
" Something came up, I won't be there, but please answer me. "
" I miss you. "
" I miss you. " Was his last message.
" I miss you. "
Sighing, you close your eyes, pushing your head against the plane's seat.
A headache has been pounding inside your skull since you started at the BAU.
" Hey! " You heard a soft voice call you.
Opening your eyes, you caught Prentiss's brown one. Worrying.
The case was done. You were on your flight home. Everyone was unwinding, either sleeping, reading, or working.
It had been a graphic one.
An Unsub who liked to torture people before killing them by drowning.
Dealing with the press and the grieving family was awful, and it touched you.
But working with Aaron had been extremely hard.
" Yes, why? " You answered quickly. " All good. "
You were on the defensive for no good reason.
She knew it. You knew it.
Even Rossi, next to her, knew it.
And he was asleep.
" Ok. " She nodded once, and she opened her book back to her page. " If you want to talk about it, I'm right here." Emily added, kindly.
" I'm…"
" Fine. " She interrupted, smiling faintly. " Yeah, you already said that a million times since I met you. "
" That's not true. " You exclaimed, chuckling, embarrassed.
You felt suddenly too warm.
A shadow started to walk down the aisle of the small plane.
Aaron.
Hotch.
Glancing at him, your eyes followed him until he sat on one of the far seats at the front. Opening a file in front of him, he quickly shut down his phone and pushed it into his vest's pocket. He raised his eyes to you, but you dropped yours to look at the table, avoiding his gaze.
Avoiding him.
" Smooth. " Prentiss remarked, turning a page of her book, her eyes never leaving the pages.
" Excuse me. " You mumbled, rising from your seat.
You could feel him behind you.
Watching you.
Swallowing hard, you entered the small bathroom and shut the door behind you. You leaned against the sink, brushing your tired eyes with the back of your hand.
Working with Aaron had been tiring. He hadn't recognised your voice.
He didn't recognise you. You felt relieved. That meant your deepest secret was still one.
But at the same time, it hurt.
After countless hours spent together. Intimate time. Times when you let him have you, see you in a way that no one has seen you before.
True, you were wearing a mask.
But it's still hurt.
You were hurt by his behaviour.
flashback - twelve hours ago;
" What was that? " Hotch inquired, walking rapidly to reach you inside the small precinct's office.
" I'm sorry, Hotch. " You sighed, leaning on the table behind you. " But I had to do it. " You promised, looking at him in his eyes.
Turning his head, he looked pointedly at Reid sitting at the table.
" I'm gonna help Morgan with victimology." The doctor smiled faintly at you before leaving the room.
There were only you and Hotch now.
You could cut the tension inside the room with a knife.
You used to see Aaron smile, tease, please, and amuse.
Annoyed never.
But Hotch was always frustrated and angry when it came to you, working with him.
You were not new to this position; being confident in your previous roles, you knew what to do.
But being watched by him, his impassive face on, his sight scrutinising every move you made. Waiting for the mistakes.
You felt small.
Small and insecure.
Especially when you made it. The mistake.
" I started to have some trouble seeing why Strauss recruited you to join my Team, Agent. " He began putting his hands on his hips. " First, you're late on your first day, then you decide to hold a press conference without telling me first."
" I had these tips from someone who works at the local news. An article was about to come out making false allegations. " You explained, your hands shaking. You crossed your arms on your chest, swallowing hard. " I only reiterate what I said yesterday. "
" Did you think of the Unsub? And how he could evolve watching you on the news, branding him as the victim of his past for the second time in less than twenty-four hours. "
" I-"
" No. You didn't think. " He snapped, interrupting you, breathing hard, he glanced behind your back briefly, taking a breath, clenching his jaw. " I don't want to say any word to any journalist or any news reporter until we close this case, did I make myself clear? "
" Yes, sir. " You whispered, feeling the tears prickling inside of your eyes.
" Good. " He concluded, looking at you sternly, before walking out.
As soon as the door closed, you turned your back to it, wiping your eyes with the back of your sleeve.
Hearing steps coming inside the office, you quickly gather some random papers from the table in front of you, making yourself look busy.
" What was that? " Emily asked you, her voice soft.
She was concerned. You took your phone out, avoiding her gaze.
A new message from the app's club.
No.
" Nothing. " You answered, sitting on one of the many chairs, swiping your fingers on the screen.
" Talk to me, baby. "
Shutting the phone quickly, you dropped it on the table, facedown.
" Are you sure? "
" Yes. " You glance at her briefly, forcing a smile on your lips. " I'm fine."
end flashback.
Heart pounding inside your chest, the headache inside your mind, a constant reminder of your situation.
Drowning.
You were drowning in your professional life for the first time.
Trying hard to work around someone you knew personally.
Lying was also exhausting.
Breathing hard, you close your eyes, taking your phone from your back pocket.
Checking the club's app for the umpteenth time.
You had a new message.
Biting your lower lip, you opened it and almost dropped your phone into the toilets, a shriek escaped your lips.
Thankfully, your phone's dropped screen first on the floor.
Someone knocked at the door.
" Are you ok in there? " Morgan called out.
" I'm fi-great. " You replied, your voice hoarse and shaky. "Everything is great."
Slowly, you took your phone back into your hands. Swiping once.
No, it wasn't your mind playing with you.
It was there. A picture of Aaron.
Hotch.
He sent you a picture of himself in the text thread. He was wearing the same clothes he wore now. His full face didn't appear; you could only see his lips. One of his hands had found its way inside his pants, and his zipper was undone.
Nothing was on display. But you could imagine what he was doing in the picture.
Under it were just a few words. " I need you so bad. "
Something caught your eye. In the corner of the picture.
There.
Looking away, your sight landed on the soap dispenser. The same one you could see appears in the picture.
Aaron took the photos here.
A few feet away from your colleagues.
A few feet away from you.
Biting your lip, you push back your phone inside your pocket without answering. Again.
You had to decide between your professional and personal life.
You needed to stop lying and try to do your work. Because you loved it.
However, you liked spending time at the club with Aaron. It was your safe moments. You trusted him more than anyone.
But Hotch was another man. A man you had to work with. A man that had a kid. A cold man.
Taking your phone out, you made a decision.
You typed two short sentences.
" I can't. I'm sorry. "
Then you deleted the app.
---
" Before you leave, can I see you in my office. "
You looked at him as he passed you by. Walking towards the stairs, Hotch never looked back.
But his cold words were for you, as you were the last one leaving the elevator before him.
Retreating to your office, you left the others talking about their weekend plans, mindlessly.
You had to choose the safe option.
Why would you try to have more? A romantic relationship with someone who probably didn't trust you.
Walking slowly, you saw Penelope coming toward you in the hallway. Her bright outfit and dynamic gait made you feel good. Her cheerfulness contagious
" You, Derek, me, and the new bar on Main, at 10. " She announced, smiling brightly, reaching you.
" Well…"
" I won't take a no for an answer. " The red-haired woman declared, very solemn, a devious glare in her eyes.
" Alright. " You chuckled, shaking your head. " I'm going to drop some files, then I need to see Hotch, so don't wait for me. "
" Perfect. " She winked.
Gently nudging your arm, she walked toward the elevator, leaving you in the hallway.
Walking slowly toward your office, you repeated the word inside your mind.
Perfect.
Everything was perfect.
---
" She needs to go. "
" She needs more time to adjust.
Strauss.
You didn't mean to eavesdrop, but Hotch's office door was slightly open and their voices were raised.
No one was there but you in the bullpen as you stopped next to the door.
" Aaron, she used to work at the White House Press Office. And she did the Academy before that. " You heard Strauss' voice. Biting your lips, heart pounding, you tilted your head toward the office. " She has really good connections. And recommendations."
" She is reckless. "
" As the Chief of this Unit, I count on you to lead and supervise everyone on the Team. "
Hotch didn't respond to that.
Leaning on the wall next to the door, you were debating between knocking and fleeing.
Coming back later.
You started turning on your heels, but his voice.
His voice made you stop in your tracks.
" I don't think I can with her. "
What?
" I want her gone, Erin. She will ruin this Team."
Enough.
You heard enough.
Knocking on the door, slowly pushing it open, you cleared your throat.
" You wanted to see me, sir. "
Strauss was standing in front of his desk, arms crossed on her chest. She looked at you, then at him, sitting in his chair. His dark gaze was on you.
Impassive.
" I leave you to it. " Strauss announced. " Figure out, Aaron. " She nodded once at him before leaving you both, closing the door.
You walked toward his desk, looking at everything but him.
Ruin.
Aaron thought that you were going to ruin his Team.
That's how low he thought of you. And it pained you to feel the heartache inside your chest, tearing your body in two.
" I ask you here because…-"
" Ruin. " You whispered, interrupting.
" Excuse me? " He tilted his head to the side, confused.
" You said that I would ruin your Team. " You repeated, looking him in his eyes.
" This was a private conversation, you shouldn't have listened to it. " Hotch reprimanded you, his fists clenched on his desk, his voice slightly raised, irritated.
But you didn't care anymore about anything but the truth.
And, you needed to know.
Why does he hate you?
" Why? "
" Because you are working for the FBI. A Federal institution that…-" He scoffed, leaning his chest against his desk.
" No, why did you say that?" You interrupted him once again. " Why would I, " You pointed at yourself, your hand shaking, " Ruin your Team? " You asked once again, your eyes never leaving his.
Sighing, Hotch dropped his back against his chair, not answering. He glanced at the files in front of him, pursing his lips.
" Why, Aaron? Please just tell me why? " You murmured, pleading, breathing deeply.
" Wait. " He paused for a couple of seconds, closing his eyes, nostrils flaring. "Repeated that. " He commanded you, his voice only a whisper.
" Repeat what? " You asked, taken aback by his words.
" Your last sentence. " He replied, his eyes still closed, he pressed his palms against the smooth surface of his desk.
Wait.
Why did you say?
" No. " You replied, taking a step back, your heart pounding inside your chest. You felt suddenly hot, anxiety growing inside your stomach.
" Why? " Hotch inquired, opening his eyes, frowning his eyebrows. Slowly, he stood up, watching every feature on your face. His eyes were moving from your eyes to your lips, lingering on your cheeks and nose.
" You know why. " You shook your head, taking another step back toward the door.
" With you, I don't know anything. "
His last words echoed inside the room. Rolling your eyes, you turned your back to him.
" You know that I will ruin this Team, and that's enough for me. " You huffed walking toward the door.
But before you could leave, your back was shoved against the wall next to it, his hand holding down your upper arm, tight.
" Me! " He hissed between his teeth, his face dangerously close to yours. Panting, his eyes were looking at you closely. Searching for something. "You will ruin me! "
" Aaron, please. " You dropped your gaze on his tie, pressing your palm on his shirt. You pushed him gently away.
You feel his heart pounding rapidly inside his chest. Confused, you look up and see realisation inside his dark, wide eyes. His lips were slightly opened.
Aaron loosened the grip he had on you, shocked.
A sound disturbed the silence in the room.
His phone was ringing—his office phone.
" Wait. " Your boss whispered slowly, raising his hand to stroke your cheek. His fingers were shaking. His brown eyes were watching you intently. He licked his lips. " Wait for me. " He emphasised each word.
But as soon as his back was turned, you ran out of the office without looking back, despite his voice calling your name.
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theartofmadeline
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