rereading Harry

thoughts and musings on the Harry Potter series

[abbeyar]

The Knight Bus

… What if he bewitched the trunk to make it feather-light, tied it to his broomstick, covered himself in the [Invisibility] cloak, and flew to London? The he could get the rest of his money out of his vault and … begin his life as an outcast.

Oh, Harry, always so melodramatic. Runs away and immediately decides that he has to live as an outcast.

A funny prickling on the back of his neck had made Harry feel he was being watched, but the street appeared to be deserted, and no lights shone from any of the large square houses.

He bent over his trunk again, but almost immediately stood up once more, his hand clenched on his wand. He had sensed rather than heard it: someone or something was standing in the narrow gap between the garage and the fence behind him. If only it would move, then he’d know whether it was just a stray cat or — something else.

“Lumos,” Harry muttered, and a light appeared at the end of his wand, almost dazzling him. He held it high over his head, and the pebble-dahsed walls of number two suddenly sparkled; the garage door gleamed, and between them Harry saw, quite distinctly, the hulking outline of something very big, with wide, gleaming eyes.

SIRIUS!

That was a kinda long excerpt to quote to just have one word to say about it but I love me some Sirius Black and I’m really excited he’s here now. Even though we don’t know it’s him yet!

For a split second, Harry wondered if he had even knocked silly by his fall.

I’m pointing out this sentence just because the phrase “knocked silly” makes me giggle.

Ernie didn’t seem to have mastered the use of a steering wheel. The Knight Bus kept mounting the pavement, but it didn’t hit anything; lines of lampposts, mailboxes, and trash cans jumped out of its way as it approached and back into position once it had passed.

In my (admittedly limited) experience, Europeans really do drive like that.

Stan swiveled in his armchair, his hands on the back, the better to look at Harry.

“Black woz a big supporter of You-Know-‘Oo,” he said.

“What, Voldemort?” said Harry, without thinking.

HARRY. WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING THIS QUESTION.

This is continual proof that Harry is not a Ravenclaw, because as much as I love him he is just not too bright.

“An’ you know what Black did then?” Stan continued in a dramatic whisper.

“What?” said Harry.

“Laughed,” said Stan. “Jus’ stood there an’ laughed. An’ when reinforcements from the Ministry of Magic got there, ‘e went wiv ‘em quiet as anyfink, still laughing ‘is head off. ‘Cos ‘e’s mad, inee, Ern? Inee mad?”

HE LAUGHED BECAUSE HIS LIFE WAS OVER AND ALMOST EVERYONE HE LOVED WAS DEAD.

I’m thinking of poor 21-year-old Sirius who’s best friend had just been murdered because he had been betrayed by another of their close friends. I wonder if he had been allowed to take baby Harry he would’ve still gone after Peter? I kinda get the feeling that he went after Peter because he had nothing else to do and he had to do SOMETHING in order to make it through. And he’s not one to just sit and cry. Which I think is why he laughed, it was laughing or crying and he’s not the type to cry.

I HAVE A LOT OF FEELS ABOUT SIRIUS, OK Y’ALL?

He, Harry, had broken wizard law just like Sirius Black. Was inflating Aunt Marge bad enough to land him in Azkaban?

And Harry just automatically assumes he’s as bad as a murderer, or course.

“You will be pleased to hear that we have dealt with the unfortunate blowing-up of Miss Marjorie Dursley. Two members of the Accidental Magic Reversal Department were dispatched to Privet Drive a few hours ago. Miss Dursley has been punctured and her memory has been modified. She has no recollection of the incident at all. So that’s that, and no harm done.”

Even with the description we have of Aunt Marge being “blown up,” I still think of bombs instead of balloons when I read that phrase.

And I’m kinda interested in the procedure for “puncturing” people who have been blown up? Is that a common thing to happen?

[abbeyar]

Aunt Marge’s Big Mistake

“Well,” said Harry, choosing his words carefully, “it’ll be hard work, pretending to Aunt Marge I go to that St. Whatsits —”

Aw, baby Harry, growing up and negotiating with Uncle Vernon! I’m so proud.

“Where’s my Dudders?” roared Aunt Marge. “Where’s my neffy-poo?”

And with that sentence alone Marge proves to us that she is the actual worst.

It had been a long time since he’d lost control and made something explode. He couldn’t afford to let it happen again. The Hogsmeade form wasn’t the only thing at stake — if he carried on like that, he’d be in trouble with the Ministry of Magic.

Harry was still an underage wizard, and he was forbidden by wizard law to do magic outside school. His record wasn’t exactly clean either. Only last summer he’d gotten an official warning that had stated quite clearly that if the Ministry got wind of any more magic in Privet Drive, Harry would face expulsion from Hogwarts.

This is why the beginning of the movie makes absolutely NO SENSE. It’s a lovely image, Harry practicing lumos under his sheets, but it’s clearly stated in several places in both the book and movie series that it’s ILLEGAL. I’m kinda surprised JKR didn’t put a stop to that.

“This Potter,” said Aunt Marge loudly, … “you never told me what he did?”

Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia were looking extremely tense. Dudley had even looked up from his pie to gape at his parents.

“He — didn’t work,” said Uncle Vernon, with half a glance at Harry. “Unemployed.”

“As I expected!” said Aunt Marge, taking a huge swig of brandy and wiping her chin on her sleeve. “A no-account, good-for-nothing, lazy scrounger who —”

JAMES POTTER WAS A SOLDIER.

And he was independently wealthy, so I suppose in England he could be considered a gentleman?

Also he was only like 21 when he died, so he could’ve just been a university student! I mean, I know that wizarding education is different, and that British education is done differently than it is in America, but they could’ve said he was a student.

[abbeyar]

Owl Post

TIME FOR PRISONER OF AZKABAN YESSSSSSSS

Ron Weasley, who was one of Harry’s best friends at Hogwarts, came from a whole family of wizards. This meant that he knew a lot of things Harry didn’t, but had never used a telephone before. Most unluckily, it had been Uncle Vernon who had answered the call.

“Vernon Dursley speaking.”

Harry, who happened to be in the room at the time, froze as he heard Ron’s voice answer.

“HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I — WANT — TO — TALK — TO — HARRY — POTTER!”

Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.

“WHO IS THIS?” he roared in the direction of the mouthpiece. “WHO ARE YOU?

“RON — WEASLEY!” Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of a football field. “I”M — A — FRIEND — OF — HARRY’S — FROM — SCHOOL — “

Uncle Vernon’s small eyes swiveled around to Harry, who was rooted to the spot.

“THERE IS NO HARRY POTTER HERE!” he roared, now holding the receiver at arm’s length, as though frightened it might explode. “I DON”T KNOW WHAT SCHOOL YOU”RE TALKING ABOUT! NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! DON’T YOU COME NEAR MY FAMILY!”

And he threw the receiver back onto the telephone as if dropping a poisonous spider.

This is yet another part that I am forever sad was not included in the movie because the mental picture I have of it is HILARIOUS.

Right in the middle of the picture was Ron, tall and gangling, with his pet rat, Scabbers, on his shoulder and his arm around his little sister, Ginny.

What a lovely and innocent little side note about Scabbers! I’m sure it will have absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the plot of the book!

Extremely unusual though he was, at that moment Harry Potter felt just like everyone else — glad, for the first time in his life, that it was his birthday.

And this is the 235357th sentence that makes me want to just give Harry all the hugs.

[abbeyar]

Dobby’s Reward

I’m so glad this is the last chapter of this book. I haven’t been really consistent in posting lately because this is my least favorite book. But Sirius AND Remus show up in the next book and I love them so let’s get on with this so we can hurry up and meet them.

“But, Ginny,” said Mrs. Weasley. “What’s our Ginny got to do with – with – him?” “His d-diary!” Ginny sobbed. “I’ve b-been writing in it, and he’s been w-writing back all year –” “Ginny!” said Mr. Weasley, flabbergasted. “Haven’t I taught you anything? What have I always told you? Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can’t see where it keeps its brain? Why didn’t you show the diary to me, or your mother? A suspicious object like that, it was clearly full of Dark Magic—”

Way to go, Arthur, blaming the victim. Your daughter, your only daughter, who is only 11 years old, has literally just escaped with her life and the first thing you do is imply she’s stupid and its her own fault? I assume this is a knee-jerk reaction out of fear because he seems to be a very good father and very close to his children (except Percy, who is terrible). But nobody seems to wonder why Ginny would want companionship so badly to resort to writing in this diary. GINNY IS THE BEST AND HER FAMILY DOESN’T EVEN KNOW IT.

I’ve got a lot of feels about Ginny, y’all.

“He tried to do a Memory Charm and the wand backfired,” Ron explained quietly to Dumbledore.

“Dear me,” said Dumbledore, shaking his head, his long silver mustache quivering. “Impaled upon your own sword, Gilderoy!”

Anybody else get the feeling the Dumbledore just does not care at all that Lockhart has wiped his own memory? Granted, it is hard to feel bad for him because OHMYHEAVENSHEISTHEWORST but still! It’s a sad fate for him.

“You can speak Parseltongue, Harry,” said Dumbledore calmly, “because Lord Voldemort – who is the last remaining heir of Salazar Slytherin – can speak Parseltongue. Unless I’m much mistaken, he transferred some of his own powers to you the night he gave you that scar. Not something he intended to do, I’m sure….” “Voldemort put a bit of himself in me?” Harry said, thunderstruck.

YOU DON’T KNOW THE HALF OF IT, KID.

“It only put me in Gryffindor,” said Harry in a defeated voice, “because I asked not to go in Slytherin….” “Exactly,” said Dumbledore, beaming once more. “Which makes you very different from Tom Riddle. It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.”

“It’s so great how this consistently continues to be true for Harry, that his choices are really what separates him from having true similarities to Voldemort. From something as simple as asking not to be in Slytherin to risking his life trying to save Sirius when he thinks Sirius is being tortured to finally choosing to let Voldemort kill him, those things are what shows the kind of person Harry truly is, rather than that he can speak Parseltongue and sometimes see into Voldemort’s mind.” x

Lucius Malfoy rounded on him. “How should I know how the stupid little girl got hold of it?” he said. “Because you gave it to her,” said Harry. “In Flourish and Blotts. You picked up her old Transfiguration book and slipped the diary inside it, didn’t you?” He saw Mr. Malfoy’s white hands clench and unclench. “Prove it,” he hissed.

AHAHAHAHAHA

It’s so nice to know that Draco came by his lame retorts honestly.

“Least I could do, Dobby,” said Harry, grinning. “Just promise never to try and save my life again.”

Unless I ask for it, of course.

They played Exploding Snap, set off the very last of Fred and George’s Filibuster fireworks, and practiced disarming each other by magic. Harry was getting very good at it.

I should hope so, considering it’s going to save your life multiple times and kill the flippin’ DARK LORD VOLDEMORT.

[abbeyar]

The Heir of Slytherin

“I’ve waited a long time for this, Harry Potter,” said Riddle. “For the chance to see you. To speak to you.”

“Look,” said Harry, losing patience, “I don’t think you get it. We’re in the Chamber of Secrets. We can talk later —“

“We’re going to talk now,” said Riddle, still smiling broadly, and he pocketed Harry’s wand.

Harry stared at him. There was something very funny going on here. . . .

JUST NOW PICKING UP ON THAT, HARRY? Seriously, there’s this guy here saying he’s a memory that’s been preserved in a diary for half a century and saying things “[the basilisk] won’t come until it is called,” WHICH IS CLEARLY A VERY FISHY THING TO SAY and it still takes you all this time to catch on that something funny’s happening?

Then good ole Tom goes on to mock Ginny for a good bit and I would talk about it but it just makes me really angry so I think I’ll leave it at that.

“I bet Dumbledore saw right through you,” said Harry, his teeth gritted.

“Well, he certainly kept an annoyingly close watch on me after Hagrid was expelled,” said Riddle carelessly. “I knew it wouldn’t be safe to open the Chamber again while I was still at school. But I wasn’t going to waste those long years I’d spent searching for it. I decided to leave behind a diary, preserving my sixteen-year-old self in its pages, so that one day, with luck, I would be able to lead another in my footsteps, and finish Salazar Slytherin’s noble work.”

!!!!!

This seems like it’s just the main plot device for this book, but then we get to Half-Blood Prince and it is SO MUCH MORE.

“Well,” said Riddle, smiling pleasantly, “how is it that you — a skinny boy with no extraordinary magical talent — managed to defeat the greatest wizard of all time? How did you escape with nothing but a scar, while Lord Voldemort’s powers were destroyed?”

There was an odd red gleam in his hungry eyes now.

THINGS ARE GETTING REAL NOW Y’ALL

He pulled Harry’s wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:

TOM MARVOLO RIDDLE

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:

I AM LORD VOLDEMORT

“Dude.

Is this how he chose his name? How long do you think that took him? Do you think he angsted for years over it before he decided to just take out the letters to make “I Am” and then focus on the remaining TO M RVOLO R DDLE? I imagine at that point he would have seen “Lord” right there in the rest of the letters, so then what? I mean, where the hell did Tom Riddle learn French? Why the hell would Tom Riddle learn French? At least enough French to know “flight from death.” I JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG HE AGONIZED OVER THE PERFECT NAME FOR HIMSELF LIKE A TOTAL F****** RECLUSIVE WEIRDO.” x

“So ends the famous Harry Potter,” said Riddle’s distant voice. “Alone in the Chamber of Secrets, forsaken by his friends, defeated at last by the Dark Lord he so unwisely challenged. You’ll be back with your dear Mudblood mother soon, Harry. . . . She bought you twelve years of borrowed time . . . but Lord Voldemort got you in the end, as you knew he must. . . .”

If this is dying, thought Harry, it’s not so bad.

The concept of “borrowed time” is really kinda an overarching theme throughout the series. Harry’s parents, Dumbledore, everyone who fought in the battles at Hogwarts bought him enough borrowed time so that he could fight the good fight and die at the right time.

And that last sentence… oh, Harry, I just want to give you a hug.

“Urgh!” said Ron as they left the bathroom for the dark, deserted corridor outside. “Harry! I think Myrtle’s grown fond of you! You’ve got competition, Ginny!”

But tears were still flooding silently down Ginny’s face.

NEITHER THE TIME NOR THE PLACE, RONALD.

[abbeyar]

The Chamber of Secrets

Since I literally had nothing to say on the last chapter I thought I’d do another one today.

“Professor Sprout has informed me that the Mandrakes are ready for cutting at last. Tonight, we will be able to revive those people who have been Petrified. I need hardly remind you all that one of them may well be able to tell us who, or what, attacked them. I am hopeful that this dreadful year will end with our catching the culprit.”

I don’t really understand Mandrakes. Are they just like little people who are plants? Just the mental image of uprooting some plant and there being a tiny person and then cutting up that tiny person and making a potion out of them is really weird for me.

Ginny opened her mouth, but no sound came out. Harry leaned forward and spoke quietly, so that only Ginny and Ron could hear him.

“Is it something about the Chamber of Secrets? Have you seen something? Someone acting oddly?”

Ginny drew a deep breath and, at that precise moment, Percy Weasley appeared, looking tired and wan.

“If you’ve finished eating, I’ll take that seat, Ginny. I’m starving, I’ve only just come off patrol duty.”

Ginny jumped up as though her chair had been electrified, gave Percy a fleeting, frightened look, and scampered away.

Seriously, Ginny has bucket loads of brothers, and not one of them notice that she’s being possessed!

They had no choice now but to go to the hospital wing and tell Madam Pomfrey that they had Professor McGonagall’s permission to visit Hermione.

… Why did they have to go to the hospital wing? I know that’s what they told McGonagall they were doing, but why not just wait for her to leave and then go to the bathroom? I mean, it’s a good thing they do go see Hermione, because she solves the mystery for them, but I don’t see why they “had no choice.” They say one thing and then do something completely different ALL THE TIME, so why not do it this time?

Probably JKR knew that nobody would be able to stand it if this book went on for the other five chapters it would take Harry and Ron to figure out that the basilisk was moving around through the pipes by themselves.

“The adventure ends here, boys!” [Lockhart] said. “I shall take a bit of this skin back up to the school, tell them I was too late to save the girl, and that you two tragically lost your minds at the sight of her mangled body — say good-bye to your memories!”

Even when you know it’s coming this is a terribly surprising plot twist. I mean, throughout the entire book Lockhart comes off as stupid and arrogant, but then he reveals himself to be the. absolute. worst. ever.

[abbeyar]

Aragog

I really don’t have anything to say about this chapter. Harry and Ron follow spiders to the Forbidden Forest and talk to a giant spider, Hagrid’s original pet monster. And they learn that Hagrid is innocent and the girl that died last time the Chamber was opened was Moaning Myrtle. And that’s really all that happens.

I’ve just realized that this is my least favorite book in this series.

[abbeyar]

Cornelius Fudge

“Harry — I think I’ve just understood something! I’ve got to go to the library!”

And she sprinted away, up the stairs.

“What does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.

“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.

“But why’s she got to go to the library?”

“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.”

And this is why Ron and Hermione are meant to be together. He knows that things like this are part of her character and he accepts them and doesn’t question. Harry, however, continues to question her throughout the entire series.

I have a lot of feels about Ron and Hermione, y’all. I shipped them before shipping was a thing.

Harry raced up to Gryffindor Tower, collected his Nimbus Two Thousand, and joined the large crowd swarming across the grounds, but his mind was still in the castle along with the bodiless voice, and as he pulled on his scarlet robes in the locker room, his only comfort was that everyone was now outside to watch the game.

EVERYONE EXCEPT HERMIONE. She ran up to the library two paragraphs ago and he’s already clean forgotten her! I bet Ron was worried, but Harry’s gone on and forgotten where she went.

Percy Weasley was sitting in a chair behind Lee, but for once he didn’t seem keen to make his views heard. He was looking pale and stunned.

“Percy’s in shock,” George told Harry quietly. “That Ravenclaw girl — Penelope Clearwater — she’s a prefect. I don’t think he thought the monster would dare attack a prefect.”

THAT’S HIS GIRLFRIEND, YOU INSENSITIVE WART.

And now we meet the Minister of Magic for the first time and begin to learn that he is a blithering dunderhead.

“However,” said Dumbledore, speaking very slowly and clearly so that none of them could miss a word, “you will find that I will only truly have left this school when none here are loyal to me. You will also find that help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.”

I just love that this is true throughout the entire series, even after his death. It’s just a simple thing that seems like it’s only a plot device in this book but it’s a real connecting thread throughout the whole thing and I love that.

[abbeyar]

The Very Secret Diary

Harry and Ron looked under the sink where Myrtle was pointing. A small, thin book lay there. It had a shabby black cover and was as wet as everything else in the bathroom. Harry stepped forward to pick it up, but Ron suddenly flung out an arm to hold him back.

“What?” said Harry.

“Are you crazy?” said Ron. “It could be dangerous.”

“Dangerous?” said Harry, laughing. “Come off it, how could it be dangerous?”

“You’d be surprised,” said Ron, who was looking apprehensively at the book. “Some of the books the Ministry’s confiscated — Dad’s told — there was one that burned your eyes out. And everyone who read Sonnets of a Sorcerer spoke in limericks for the rest of their lives. And some old witch in Bath had a book that you could never stop reading! You just had to wander around with your nose in it, trying to do everything else one-handed. And —“

WHAT. THE. CRAP. Y’ALL. I mean, really, what the crap?! I would be terrified to ever open a book!

“I wouldn’t mind knowing how Riddle got an award for special services to Hogwarts either.”

“Could’ve been anything,” said Ron. “Maybe he got thirty O.W.L.s or saved a teacher from the giant squid. Maybe he murdered Myrtle, that would’ve done everyone a favor. . . .”

DINGDINGDING WE HAVE A WINNER!

And while Harry was sure he had never heard the name T. M. Riddle before, it still seemed to mean something to him, almost as though Riddle was a friend he’d had when he was very small, and had half-forgotten.

Oh, man. This is just…. chilling, really, when you think about it.

Lockhart, wearing lurid pink robes to match the decorations, was waving for silence. The teachers on either side of him were looking stony-faced. From where he sat, Harry could see a muscle going in Professor McGonagall’s cheek. Snape looked as though someone had just fed him a large beaker of Skele-Gro.

I enjoy picturing McGonagall and Snape overcoming their mutual dislike for each other in their annoyance at Lockhart and trash-talking him in the staff room.

“And the fun doesn’t stop here! I’m sure my colleagues will want to enter into the spirit of the occasion! Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion! And while you’re at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I’ve ever met, the sly old dog!”

Professor Flitwick buried his face in his hands. Snape was looking as though the first person to ask him for a Love Potion would be force-fed poison.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

I know this little subplot isn’t essential to the story as a whole and that’s why it wasn’t in the movie, but I would've paid money to watch Kenneth Branagh, Maggie Smith, and Alan Rickman do this whole exchange.

I’ll leave out the part about Harry’s singing valentine delivered to him by a dwarf who tackled him and sat on his ankles because it’s too long to type here but the entire thing makes me literally lol.

Ginny was staring from the diary to Harry, looking terrified.

!!!

[abbeyar]

The Polyjuice Potion

So Harry has been sent to Dumbledore’s office for being around when Justin & Nearly Headless Nick were found petrified. On an off note, Dumbledore’s office is the coolest ever. I want it as my bedroom. I mean, look at it!

Bookshelves all around, an awesome desk in the middle, go up the stairs to the bed, and underneath that would be the closet. It would be the best room ever.

Anyway.

Harry tries on the Sorting Hat again while he waits for Dumbledore, but doesn’t give it the chance to explain why it thought he would be good in Slytherin, therefore confirming that he is really a Gryffindor because he doesn’t wait for silly things like explanations.

Also, Dumbledore’s pet phoenix, Fawkes, catches fire and Harry immediately assumes it will be blamed on him, because the fool boy doesn’t know anything about phoenixes and assumes everything is his fault.

“I must ask you, Harry, whether there is anything you’d like to tell me,” [Dumbledore] said gently. “Anything at all.”

Harry didn’t know what to say. He thought of Malfoy shouting “You’ll be next, Mudbloods!” and of the Polyjuice Potion simmering away in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom. Then he thought of the disembodied voice he had heard twice and remembered what Ron had said: “Hearing voices no one else can hear isn’t a good sign, even in the wizarding world.” He thought, too, about what everyone was saying about him, and his growing dread that he was somehow connected with Salazar Slytherin… .“

"No,” said Harry. “There isn’t anything, Professor….”

This makes me wonder again about mental illness in the wizarding world. Surely it’s a thing there. Since I’ve had issues with depression and anxiety disorder, this is just a personal question that probably will never be answered. I’m just wondering. Are there different potions to take to affect brain chemistry? Is it even more of a stigma there because magical people are expected to be able to deal with everything that happens to them? Are there wizard therapists?

Clearly, the smart thing for Harry to do would be to tell Dumbledore, but if he did the smart thing all the time the series would be a hell of a lot shorter.

Ginny didn’t find it amusing either.

“Oh, don’t,” she wailed every time Fred asked Harry loudly who he was planning to attack next, or when George pretended to ward Harry off with a large clove of garlic when they met.

And here we have another example of the Weasley boys being assholes to their sister during her first year. It’s clear that none of her siblings ask how she is or what she’s feeling during her first year.

So Harry, Ron, & Hermione take some Polyjuice Potion to question Malfoy, and they get next to nothing out of it. And Hermione somehow manages to turn herself into a cat. You would think that someone as smart as Hermione would be able to tell a cat hair from a human hair. Has she never seen a cat before? I am just confused by this.

[abbeyar]

The Dueling Club

Meanwhile, hidden from the teachers, a roaring trade in talismans, amulets, and other protective devices was sweeping the school. Neville Longbottom bought a large, evil-smelling green onion, a pointed purple crystal, and a rotting newt tail before the other Gryffindor boys pointed out that he was in no danger; he was a pure-blood, and therefore unlikely to be attacked.

“They went for Filch first,” Neville said, his round face fearful. “And everyone knows I’m almost a Squib.”

Oh, Neville. I just want to give you a hug. Just wait, you are going to be so great.

“They’re starting a Dueling Club!” said Seamus. “First meeting tonight! I wouldn’t mind dueling lessons; they might come in handy one of these days… .”

“What, you reckon Slytherin’s monster can duel?” said Ron, but he, too, read the sign with interest.

Ah, Ron. I’m sorry they cut the snarky side of you out of the movies because it is great.

Both of them swung their wands above their heads and pointed them at their opponent; Snape cried: “Expelliarmus!”

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?! SNAPE TAUGHT HARRY THE SPELL THAT SAVED HIS LIFE ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS. THE SPELL HE USED TO DEFEAT VOLDEMORT.

So then Malfoy & Harry are supposed to demonstrate blocking spells, but Lockhart is less than zero help to Harry (“Just do what I did, Harry!” “What, drop my wand?”) and Snape, for some reason, tells Malfoy to conjure up a snake. Why he did that, I have no idea. To scare Harry, maybe? So he could be the hero as he got rid of it? I really don’t know. Whatever the reason, it brought to light Harry’s ability to speak to snakes.

“You’re a Parselmouth. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I’m a what?” said Harry.

“A Parselmouth!” said Ron. “You can talk to snakes!”

“I know,” said Harry. “I mean, that’s only the second time I’ve ever done it. I accidentally set a boa constrictor on my cousin Dudley at the zoo once — long story — but it was telling me it had never seen Brazil and I sort of set it free without meaning to — that was before I knew I was a wizard —”

“A boa constrictor told you it had never seen Brazil?” Ron repeated faintly.

“So?” said Harry. “I bet loads of people here can do it.”

Oh, Harry. After he learned that the weird stuff he can do is magic, he just assumes all weird things he does are also common magical things. You are so wrong about this one, Harry.

So Ron and Hermione try to explain to Harry that it is not good that he can talk to snakes, and the whole time Harry is like “what’s the big deal, y'all? I just saved that kid’s life and all y'all can go on about is talking to snakes?” And then he's surprised to learn that Slytherin himself could talk to snakes, which is why the symbol of Slytherin house is a snake. I dunno why he’s so surprised at that, but this is Harry Potter we’re talking about and homeboy isn't really the sharpest crayon in the box at times and he needs things explained to him.

Professor McGonagall was shouting at someone who, by the sound of it, had turned his friend into a badger.

I just want us all to take a moment and contemplate the greatness of that sentence.

…Ernie went on, “Remember what was written on the wall? Enemies of the heir, Beware. Potter had some sort of run-in with Filch. Next thing we know, Filch’s cat’s attacked. That first year, Creevey, was annoying Potter at the Quidditch match, taking pictures of him while he was lying in the mud. Next thing we know — Creevey’s been attacked.” “He always seems so nice, though,” said Hannah uncertainly, “and, well, he’s the one who made You-Know-Who disappear. He can’t be all bad, can he?” Ernie lowered his voice mysteriously, the Hufflepuffs bent closer, and Harry edged nearer so that he could catch Ernie’s words. “No one knows how he survived that attack by You-Know-Who. I mean to say, he was only a baby when it happened. He should have been blasted into smithereens. Only a really powerful Dark wizard could have survived a curse like that.“

Ok, first of all, Ernie here clearly has no idea how the Killing Curse works, because people don’t get "blasted to smithereens.” Secondly, where does this negativity toward Harry come from? I mean, generally they’re supportive of Harry. It does make sense that they would be loyal to their fellow Hufflepuffs first, but it seems odd that they immediately jump to the conclusion that Harry is the heir of Slytherin and ignore what actually happened at the dueling lesson, which is that the snake backed off after Harry spoke to it. And Ernie is just flat out annoying, especially since we know how ludicrous what he’s saying is.

So then Harry bumps into Hagrid, who makes a passing remark on how two roosters have been killed this term. Spoiler alert! It’s neither foxes nor a Blood-Sucking Bugbear.

And of course, Harry then stumbles upon a petrified Nearly Headless Nick and Justin Finch-Fletchley, who was the one the snake had gone for before Harry stopped it. Poor Harry, always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

“Caught in the act!” Ernie yelled, his face stark white, pointing his finger dramatically at Harry.

“That will do, Macmillan!” said Professor McGonagall sharply.

Ugh. SHUT UP ERNIE.

[abbeyar]

The Rogue Bludger

Since the disastrous episode of the pixies, Professor Lockhart had not brought live creatures to class. Instead, he read passages from his books to them, and sometimes reenacted some of the more dramatic bits. He usually picked Harry to help him with these reconstructions; so far, Harry had been forced to play a simple Transylvanian villager whom Lockhart had cured of a Babbling Curse, a yeti with a head cold, and a vampire who had been unable to eat anything except lettuce since Lockhart had dealt with him.

Harry was hauled to the front of the class during their very next Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, this time acting a werewolf. If he hadn’t had a very good reason for keeping Lockhart in a good mood, he would have refused to do it.

“Nice loud howl, Harry — exactly — and then, if you’ll believe it, I pounced — like this — slammed him to the floor — thus — with one hand, I managed to hold him down — with my other, I put my wand to his throat — I then screwed up my remaining strength and performed the immensely complex Homorphus Charm — he let out a piteous moan — go on, Harry — higher than that — good — the fur vanished — the fangs shrank — and he turned back into a man. Simple, yet effective — and another village will remember me forever as the hero who delivered them from the monthly terror of werewolf attacks.”

That was a long excerpt, but I just wanted everyone to picture Harry acting out scenes from Lockhart’s books. Sassy and snarky 12-year-old Harry pretending to be a howling werewolf. The thought makes me crack up.

Hermione shut the book with a snap.

“Well, if you two are going to chicken out, fine,” she said. There were bright pink patches on her cheeks and her eyes were brighter than usual. “I don’t want to break rules, you know. I think threatening Muggle-borns is far worse than brewing up a difficult potion. But if you don’t want to find out if it’s Malfoy, I’ll go straight to Madam Pince now and hand the book back in—”

I just love Hermione, y'all. She is smart and brave and just overall the best. Character development!

“Training for the ballet, Potter?” yelled Malfoy as Harry was forced to do a stupid kind of twirl in midair to dodge the Bludger, and he fled, the Bludger trailing a few feet behind him; and then, glaring back at Malfoy in hatred, he saw it — the Golden Snitch. It was hovering inches above Malfoy’s left ear — and Malfoy, busy laughing at Harry, hadn’t seen it.

Draco, if you would DO YOUR FREAKING JOB and STOP TRYING TO BE FUNNY BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT, you could’ve been a decent Seeker! BUT NO. NOTHING IS AS IMPORTANT AS TAUNTING HARRY POTTER AND YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT WITH THE SNITCH PRACTICALLY IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE.

With a splattering thud he hit the mud and rolled off his broom. His arm was hanging at a very strange angle; riddled with pain, he heard, as though from a distance, a good deal of whistling and shouting. He focused on the Snitch clutched in his good hand.

“Aha,” he said vaguely. “We’ve won.”

And he fainted.

Glad to see you’re keeping your priorities straight, Harry.

And then he decides he would rather keep his arm broken than have Lockhart try to fix it, which is really a good idea because the fool man goes and REMOVES THE BONES FROM HIS ARM. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN.

“Ah,” said Lockhart. “Yes. Well, that can sometimes happen. But the point is, the bones are no longer broken. That’s the thing to bear in mind. So, Harry, just toddle up to the hospital wing — ah, Mr. Weasley, Miss Granger, would you escort him? — and Madam Pomfrey will be able to — er — tidy you up a bit.”

How this man made it so far in life without being routinely punched in the face is beyond me.

“Anyone can make a mistake,” said Hermione. “And it doesn’t hurt anymore, does it, Harry?”

“No,” said Harry, getting into bed. “But it doesn’t do anything else either.”

Oh, Hermione, don’t excuse idiots just because they’re pretty. I guess you can be pardoned for it this one time, since you’re only 12, but I’m glad you outgrow this after this year.

The house-elf’s goggling tennis ball eyes were peering at Harry through the darkness. A single tear was running down his long, pointed nose. “Harry Potter came back to school,” he whispered miserably. “Dobby warned and warned Harry Potter. Ah sir, why didn’t you heed Dobby? Why didn’t Harry Potter go back home when he missed the train?”

Ugh. Dobby. Seriously gets on my nerves. He’s like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Harry Potter world.

“I’m not going anywhere!” said Harry fiercely. “One of my best friends is Muggle-born; she’ll be the first in line if the Chamber really has been opened—” “Harry Potter risks his own life for his friends!” moaned Dobby in a kind of miserable ecstasy.

Although this part is sad, considering how Dobby dies.

“It means,” said Dumbledore, “that the Chamber of Secrets is indeed open again.” Madam Pomfrey clapped a hand to her mouth. Professor McGonagall stared at Dumbledore. “But, Albus…surely…who?” “The question is not who,” said Dumbledore, his eyes on Colin. “The question is, how….”

Yeah, Dumbledore! He knows what’s going down and he ain’t fooled by this new heir of Slytherin nonsense.

[abbeyar]

The Writing on the Wall

“My cat! My cat! What’s happened to Mrs. Norris?” [Argus Filch] shrieked.

And his popping eyes fell on Harry.

“You!" he screeched. "You! You’ve murdered my cat! You’ve killed her! I’ll kill you! I’ll —”

SERIOUSLY, we all need to feel really sorry for Argus Filch. Poor man. Poor Mrs. Norris.

"I suggest, Headmaster, that Potter is not being entirely truthful,” [Snape] said. “It might be a good idea if he were deprived of certain privileges until he is ready to tell us the whole story. I personally feel he should be taken off the Gryffindor Quidditch team until he is ready to be honest.”

"Really, Severus,” said Professor McGonagall sharply. “I see no reason to stop the boy playing Quidditch. This cat wasn’t hit over the head with a broomstick. There is no evidence at all that Potter has done anything wrong.”

Ah, McGonagall. How I love you. So snarky and sassy and badass.

“Hearing voices no one else can hear isn’t a good sign, even in the wizarding world.”

Do wizards and witches not suffer from mental illness? I mean, in our world, if someone is hearing voices that no one else can hear, then they definitely need to tell someone. And get help. And Harry should do the same thing here! TELL DUMBLEDORE, YOU IDIOT. Especially since this voice is going around the castle saying it wants to kill people! Dumbledore would want to know that his students are at risk!

Ginny Weasley seemed very disturbed by Mrs. Norris’s fate. According to Ron, she was a great cat lover. “But you haven’t really got to know Mrs. Norris,” Ron told her bracingly. “Honestly, we’re much better off without her.” Ginny’s lip trembled.

It seems weird how callously Ginny is treated by her brothers this first year. No one asks her how she feels or if anything is wrong! They just assume things. Oh, Ginny likes cats, that’s why she’s upset. Oh, Ginny looks pale, she’s probably sick. YOUR SISTER IS BEING POSSESSED BY VOLDEMORT, AND NONE OF YOU ARE NOTICING OR CARING.

“It’s not funny,” said Ron, fiercely. “If you must know, when I was three, Fred turned my – my teddy bear into a great big filthy spider because I broke his toy broomstick….You wouldn’t like them either if you’d been holding your bear and suddenly it had too many legs and…” He broke off, shuddering.

Dude, Ron, I am so with you on this. That is a freakin terrifying thing to have happened. Also, can you imagine how horrible it would be to have to deal with little Fred and little George? Especially since Ron and Ginny would be babies when Fred and George were first showing magic. I’m amazed they didn’t burn down the house.

[abbeyar]

The Deathday Party

I feel really bad for Mr. Filch. I mean, he’s a Squib and can’t do proper magic, but he’s there in this castle full of kids who do magic all the freaking time. No wonder he’s so angry at them all the time. And all he has is his cat and nobody likes her and wants to kick her. Not to mention that he is the caretaker of Hogwarts so he pretty much has to clean the entire place all by himself and without magic. The poor man just needs some friends.

“That vanishing cabinet was extremely valuable!” [Mr. Filch] was saying gleefully to Mrs. Norris. “We’ll have Peeves out this time, my sweet —"

Peeves broke the vanishing cabinet! THE VANISHING CABINET. The one that will be a HUGE FREAKING DEAL at the end of the 6th book!

And then we meet Moaning Myrtle for the first time. Frankly, I find her rather annoying. Girlfriend needed some anti-depressants or something when she was alive. I’ve had problems with depression myself and so I don’t want to make light of anyone’s problems, but OHMYHEAVENS, MYRTLE, GET OVER YOURSELF. NOBODY IS ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK.

Harry strained his ears. Distantly, from the floor above, and growing fainter still, he heard the voice: “… I smell blood… . I SMELL BLOOD!”

His stomach lurched —

“It’s going to kill someone!” he shouted…

I just love that Harry just now figured out that this voice wants to kill someone. The very first time you heard it, Harry, it actually said those words! NO DUH.

I also love that in the movie, Harry is all “I think it wants to kill someone!” like OH REALLY, HARRY? I THOUGHT IT WANTED TO TAKE A NAP.

For being the hero of this series, Harry is really rather thick. I mean, it is nice because he’s a regular boy and needs help from people, but really, he’s pretty thick.

Mrs. Norris, the caretaker’s cat, was hanging by her tail from the torch bracket. She was stiff as a board, her eyes wide and staring.

Seriously, y’all, poor Filch! I mean, he’s got all those problems I listed above, and then his cat, his only friend, goes and gets petrified! The poor man.

[abbeyar]

Mudbloods and Murmurs

“Now, listen here, you lot,” [Oliver Wood] said, glowering at them all. “We should have won the Quidditch cup last year. We’re easily the best team. But unfortunately — owing to circumstances beyond our control —”

Harry shifted guiltily in his seat. He had been unconscious in the hospital wing for the final match of the previous year, meaning that Gryffindor had been a player short and had suffered their worst defeat in three hundred years.

Wood took a moment to regain control of himself. Their last defeat was clearly still torturing him.

"So this year, we train harder than ever before…”

Oliver, I don’t think any amount of training would have helped you win the Quidditch cup last year. Since Harry is constantly running around and getting into all sorts of trouble and getting seriously injured, especially at the end of the school year, I think the best way for your team to win is to keep Harry from doing just about anything. That way the fool boy would be able to actually play Quidditch once in a while.

And isn’t there a reserve Seeker? How could they even play being a player short? The whole thing seems incredibly unfair.

Ron gaped, open-mouthed, at the seven superb broomsticks in front of him.

“Good, aren’t they?” said Malfoy smoothly. “But perhaps the Gryffindor team will be able to raise some gold and get new brooms, too. You could raffle off those Cleansweep Fives; I expect a museum would bid for them.”

The Slytherin team howled with laughter.

Good heavens, Draco, YOU AREN’T THAT FUNNY. Stop trying to be witty already, it doesn’t work for you.

“No one asked your opinion, you filthy little Mudblood,” he spat. Harry knew at once that Malfoy had said something really bad because there was an instant uproar at his words. Flint had to dive in front of Malfoy to stop Fred and George jumping on him, Alicia shrieked, “How dare you!”, and Ron plunged his hand into his robes, pulled out his wand, yelling, “You’ll pay for that one, Malfoy!” and pointed it furiously under Flint’s arm at Malfoy’s face.

I think it’s hard for us as readers to really understand how offensive this term is supposed to be, just because we’re not part of this world and its culture. To really get it, I related it to calling black people the “n-word.” I grew up in Alabama, which historically has had some issues with racism, to say the least. There are several black people I know that I just don’t like because of their personalities, just like there are lots of white people I don’t like. But I cannot imagine calling someone that word and implying that they are inferior and less than human. I actually cannot bring myself to say that word. I think that, in the wizarding world, “mudblood” is on the same level of the “n-word” in our world.

It was a voice, a voice to chill the bone marrow, a voice of breathtaking, ice-cold venom.

“Come … come to me… . Let me rip you… . Let me tear you… . Let me kill you….”

PARSELTONGUE! Now we’re getting to the main plot, y’all.

[abbeyar]

Gilderoy Lockhart

Mrs. Weasley’s yells, a hundred times louder than usual, made the plates and spoons rattle on the table, and echoed deafeningly off the stone walls.

Ok so howlers sound AMAZING. I don’t know why they don’t use them to send cute, nice messages. How awesome would it be to open the mail over breakfast and have a letter shout out “YOU ARE REALLY PRETTY AND I LIKE YOU A LOT“ That is definitely a thing I would want.

Professor Sprout’s arms were full of bandages, and with another twinge of guilt, Harry spotted the Whomping Willow in the distance, several of its branches now in slings.

How did that even work? I can’t imagine someone bandaging the branches of a violent, hitting tree. Or bandaging a tree at all, really, but we ain’t in Kansas anymore and here at Hogwarts they bandage trees.

Also, did Professor Sprout have any choice in her profession? Or did she end up with the last name “Sprout” and therefore was destined to teach Herbology? It’s like Newt Scamander writing Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Gilderoy Lockhart, however, was immaculate in sweeping robes of turquoise, his golden hair shining under a perfectly positioned turquoise hat with gold trimming.

He has to be gay. I never paid attention to his description before, but seriously. No straight man dresses like that.

"Harry, Harry, Harry,” said Lockhart, reaching out and grasping his shoulder. “I understand. Natural to want a bit more once you’ve had that first taste — and I blame myself for giving you that, because it was bound to go to your head — but see here, young man, you can’t start flying cars to try and get yourself noticed. Just calm down, all right? Plenty of time for all of that when you’re older. Yes, yes, I know what you’re thinking! ‘It’s all right for him, he’s an internationally famous wizard already!’ But when I was twelve, I was just as much of a nobody as you are now. In fact, I’d say I was more of a nobody! I mean, a few people have heard of you, haven’t they? All that business with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!” He glanced at the lightning scar on Harry’s forehead. “I know, I know — it’s not quite as good as winning Witch Weekly’s Most-Charming-Smile Award five times in a row, as I have — but it’s a start, Harry, it’s a start.”

Ohgoodgraciousheaven, Lockhart, just shut up already! Gah, he is like the most annoying person ever. I want to punch him in the face.

"Mandrake, or Mandragora, is a powerful restorative,” said Hermione, sounding as usual as though she had swallowed the textbook. “It is used to return people who have been transfigured or cursed to their original state.”

What a convenient lesson plan! She didn’t even know that people would start being petrified a few months later!

Ron was having far worse problems. He had patched up his want with some borrowed Spellotape, but it seemed to be damaged beyond repair.

WHY NOT FIX IT WITH MAGIC, RONALD? Harry fixes his wand using the simple “reparo“ spell with the Elder Wand at the end of Deathly Hallows! Why not try that? And if it doesn’t work with a regular wand, then you could ask Dumbledore! He has the Elder Wand! Just upstairs! But NO! Ron blunders around the entire school year with a wand that’s duct taped together & blows stuff up & makes himself vomit slugs. No reason to be logical or anything when you can make life hard for yourself.

"—and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures’ll move.” Colin drew a great shuddering breath of excitement and said, “It’s amazing here, isn’t it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. My dad’s a milkman, he couldn’t believe it either.”

You know, I’d probably have Colin’s reaction to the wizarding world. This is all so cool! And the pictures move! How amazing is that?!

“Hands on?” said Harry, who was trying to grab a pixie dancing out of reach with its tongue out. “Hermione, he didn’t have a clue what he was doing—” “Rubbish,” said Hermione. “You’ve read his books – look at all those amazing things he’s done—” “He says he’s done,” Ron muttered.

Yeah, Ron, you go with those gut feelings! Because that is TOTALLY RIGHT.

[abbeyar]

The Whomping Willow

We’re going back to Hogwarts, y’all!

They had almost reached the highway when Ginny shrieked that she’d left her diary.

DON’T FORGET THE PLOT TWIST!

So they’re late to the station and of course, Harry and Ron are left to be the last ones through the barrier. Does anyone ever learn that Harry should go first because something bad is going to happen & it would be good if there was an adult or someone around who could help him? Because homeboy can’t do nothing right.

And then the fool boys decide to FLY THE CAR to Hogwarts instead of waiting for Mr. and Mrs. Weasley to come back. Wouldn’t they think it was odd if the barrier was sealed? Wouldn’t they notice that Harry & Ron never showed up? What are they going to think when they see the car is gone? JUST WAIT FOR THE ADULTS, THEY CAN HELP YOU. YOU DON’T NEED TO JUST FLY OFF IN THE CAR.

And then they fly into the Whomping Willow (hello, future major plot point!)

“My wand,” said Ron, in a shaky voice. “Look at my wand —“

It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on by only a few splinters.

Harry opened his mouth to say he was sure they’d be able to mend it up at the school, but he never even got started.

I can see why they might forget about mending Ron’s wand at that moment, since they start getting attacked by a tree, but wouldn’t that thought come up again when classes start? Harry’s broken wand is repaired at the end of Deathly Hallows, so why does Ron’s never get fixed in this book? He just goes around blowing things up with a wand he tried to duct tape together.

And I love that the car ends up being like “screw this crap” and dumps them out & goes off to live wild in the Forbidden Forrest.

“Silence!” said Snape coldly. “What have you done with the car?”

Ron gulped. This wasn’t the first time Snape had given Harry the impression of being able to read minds.

Hey, that’s kinda actually true, Harry! Good job, you got something right.

Harry felt as though he’d just been walloped in the stomach by one of the mad tree’s larger branches. If anyone found out Mr. Weasley had bewitched the car… he hadn’t thought about that….

OBVIOUSLY.

“Why didn’t you send us a letter by owl? I believe you have an owl?” Professor McGonagall said coldly to Harry.

Harry gaped at her. Now she said it, that seemed the obvious thing to have done.

“I — I didn’t think —“

“That,” said Professor McGonagall, “is obvious.”

Considering the frankly astounding number of times Harry does stuff without thinking it is amazing the fool boy didn’t get himself killed.