abboa

We have entered this journey as two powers. Through this, we will unify and I will leave whole and restored.

[abboa-blog1]

Consequences

I do not like keeping a food journal. It gives me anxiety. I feel as if it is some kind of “homework” from my therapist, and the student in me wants to excel. I want wanted to put three meals a day in because that’s how it should be. I soon realized I can’t do that. It makes me feel... guilty, similar to self-betrayal, I suppose. All the things I have written down just replay in my head. I’m not used to being fully aware of everything I eat, I made a point for so long to detach from that part of my life. I stopped filling it out for a few days, and I restricted a little through my guilt over the whole thing. I made a point to go back and fix it. Some small part of me is also afraid of having a good week. If my first week is a good week, he may not believe me. I don’t want him to think that I’m simply attention seeking... 

I don’t like this. Anything about this. It feels as if I’m one extreme or the other, I’m “inpatient” or he doesn’t believe me at all... I wanted help, but this may not be what I need.

[abboa-blog1]

Inspiration

I’ve developed an aversion to the ideas of “thinspiration.” I found the world of the pictures and words a long time ago. I remember thinking, “This will be so much easier now that I’m not alone.” I was not thinking of recovery. I found these blogs and posts immensely helpful: with diets, calorie counts, pictures to remind me what I should be, along with teaching all the right words for her to repeat to me later. All of these things worked too well for me; as if I wasn’t doing enough self-destruction on my own. 

I looked in the mirror one day and I saw the real me. The woman I saw in my mind dissipated for a split second and I saw what my body had become. I was scared. I’d never seen someone so small, not in person. I looked so broken that it seemed like I could just crumble to the floor at any second. My eyes and cheeks were sunken in, my collar and hip bones protruded, my knees looked like giant door knockers on my tiny legs. I looked like I was going to die soon. I ran away from that world. I couldn’t run from her or my thought processes, but I could run from “thinspiration.” So I did. For the sake of my life, I ran.

Now, my inspiration comes from healthy places: a drive to be physically as well as mentally healthy, my wife’s support, my hopes that I will be able to carry children, yoga and the strength I need for it, etc...

I look in the mirror now, and I’m not disgusted. I don’t nitpick myself. I don’t squeeze at excess skin (that I once told myself was fat). I don’t weigh myself three times a day.

I’m happy today; however, had my aversion never developed, I would be dead.

[abboa-blog1]

“Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn.”

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Semantics

My time has come. There aren’t any excuses left as to why I can’t proactive steps towards actually being recovered. I found myself relating to Yellow Wallpaper with understanding and empathy on levels so that bothers me; I told myself that this way of thinking cannot be a good sign in regards to my mental health. The past few years have been full of my own attempts at reaching “recovered”. In the last year, I have even had help that exists outside of my own mind. This is new to me; however, it doesn’t feel like enough.

I recently sought out professional guidance. I never really understood what friends meant when they came home complaining of feeling drained after therapy; I understand now. It is completely and utterly draining. Inpatient treatment has already been brought up. A synopsis: he’s not saying I need it or that he is even suggesting is, but have I ever thought about it? Yes, I have, I had a feeling it would be brought up so I did a little research. There are a couple close to here so I wouldn’t be terribly far from home. My wife is unbelievably supportive and understanding.

I am terribly in tune with people’s feelings, to the point where it is almost like actually feeling them some a lot of the time.

Out of all the feelings that I have felt from her, judgment has never been one of them. I couldn’t ask, or want, for more from her. I believe she’s perfect for me. My family is a different story, probably from a freakishly different book. They will judge and not understand, or even try I dare say. I am already so different. Now, all their assumptions are right and I’ve been lying... how will they understand. How much can you lie to one set of people before they shun you? I already feel like the “black sheep”, I don’t want to wonder what this will do to us.

All of this based on the assumption that I will even have to go. Maybe he can help me, or help me find someone that can help me. I’ve begun keeping a food log, but I prefer to call it my “Recovery Record, or Journal” and doing Body Dismorphia feeling assessment exercises... I suppose we will see where this path leads me. Only time can tell.

[abboa-blog1]

My Defining Quality

I always wondered what it is from an outside perspective. 

“When people think of me, what comes to mind?” 

“What stands out the most about me to other people?”

“What do other think people think of me?”

I am unsure as to if everyone thinks these things; however, I do.I would like to say that I do not indulge in these thoughts on a superficial level, but that would not be the truth. Superficially asking myself those questions helped put me in the mental frenzy I’m in. Today though, I’m focusing on the internal. My defining quality has come to my attention, this one through no pursuance of my own. I do not like it, but it’s appearing that I must accept it. Even people that do not know me, or have not met me, know it about it. My own friends label me and shame me when I am offended. 

I do not want to be this person, I do not like this person. I think it is partly my environment, I know it is mostly because I need help. This quality... it makes me not want to get help. I do not want to be this person. I can see people’s hesitation when they talk to me. I can feel my temper growing worse, the heat a little stronger every time. I can feel my moods leaving me behind. I can feel the pressure coming from everywhere. I’m stuck in my head and I’m overwhelmed by it all. 

An escape from that seems nice. I would like to learn the tools I need to grow, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid they’ll want to send me away. It’s not uncommon, and I’m fairly positive I have both feet in the “crazy” door... I don’t want to be this. I can’t let her out. I don’t want to let her out. I’m afraid for other people to see her. I don’t know who I am without her. 

-addition- This is what it is. This is what does it me. This is why I don’t want to be... anywhere. “If they can’t see me... if they’re not subject to it.. if I can just hide it a little better.”, an example of mental restriction, which of course sends one into physical restriction sub(or not)consciously. 

Then what? My inside makes the outside judge me, which sends me back inside... What am I supposed to do now?

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

Today I will not dread. Even though I know things that I do not like are coming, I will not dwell and bring excess negativity into my life.

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

Today I am confident and creative. I am pursing new endeavors with no self doubt and full faith and and hope in success. Today I am working towards true progression.

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

Today I am practicing patience. Patience with myself, the people and animals around me, my job; Today I will not be quick tempered. Today I am taking the time to explain without resentment. Today I am showing self love, so I am capable of showing a piece of that love to others. Today, I am patient.

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

I am confident, inside and out. I do not doubt my intuition or my instinct. I am proud of my body, what it looks like and what it can accomplish. I am confident in my personality, my appearance, and my mentality.

[abboa-blog1]

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

I trust myself. I listen to my inner voice. I am guided by my inner wisdom.

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

Today I am in control of myself. I will not overreact, I will handle my emotions and my responses properly. I will not be angry, quick to judge, or snappy. Today I am in control and I am happy.

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

Today I am grateful. I am grateful for the sun. I am grateful for my able body. I am grateful for my love.

[abboa-blog1]

Everybody's been there, everybody's been stared down by the enemy. Fallen for the fear, and done some disappearing, bow down to the mighty. Don't run. Stop holding your tongue. Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live. Maybe one of these days you can let the light in. Show me how big your brave is.

Jack Antonoff, Sara Bareilles

[abboa-blog1]

Mantra

Today, as I share secrets and open my strained Throat Chakra, I will remain positive. Positive mind, Positive vibes, Positive life.

[abboa-blog1]

Control

As I stood here, questioning my entire person, I realized I am questioning myself because of others. Why? They’re important to me. So what, it’s your life. If it makes you happy, stop holding yourself back for the sake of others. It’s not that easy, I have obligations, they have feelings. If I hurt them… What will happen? They will disown me, they won’t want anything to do with me, they’ll never meet my children. I will have lost the people that raised me. Will it be worth it? I don’t know, I suppose that depends on how many I lose. 2, 3, 4… Do you regret your main decision? No. Are you happy, aside from the conflict at hand? Yes. Will it be worth it? Yes. Who truly bears the issue in this situation? They do. Why are you letting their issue control your life and your love? …

[abboa-blog1]

Repression or expression?

When I do yoga because all I want to do is implode or throw myself into a blank plane of existence, is yoga my form of repressing my emotions or expressing and working through them? I’ve always thought it the latter; however, as I go to unroll my mat I am finding this question in my mind, “What is this activity truly helping me do?”