As you approach the gym, you realize that it's empty and dark. The short break from the rain is over and your hair gets wet. You are doomed to end up being drenched, so you throw yourself at the door and shake it as if some ghost would pity you enough to open it. After a few more unsuccessful shakes, you hear a chuckle behind you.
'I once did that at a coffee shop', Lino says.
'Coffee?', you'd ask, started by his sudden appearance.
'I was tired and desperate', he explains and laughs when his eyes find your messy hair.
'Come here', he instructs and brings an umbrella over your head.
'Good thinking', you shyly praise.
There is this certain excitement that you felt during the past few encounters that lingers somewhere in the space between you and Lino. He makes you laugh. He is so subtly protective that you can't but enjoy existing in his presence.
You inspect his face. There is a patch of dry skin on his cheek and an almost healed bruise on the corner of his lips.
'Taking in my beauty?', he asks with a smirk and tilts his head to meet your eyes.
'Cat?', you ask with a point of finger.
'Dori', he laughs and nods.
'He is particularly harsh, especially when I sleep', he sighs, but the glint in his eyes expresses his intense amusement for his feline friend.
'Sorry guys', Taehyun comes running, the key dangling from his hand.
He hurries to open the door and lets you in. You enter first and hold the door for the two men. Lino gifts you a nod.
'Fancy', he comments and makes his way to the changing room.
'How is this even holding up? I never see anyone else training here', you say to Taehyun.
'Bambi', he speaks seriously.
'You and Lino are like the only people who want to workout that early in the morning.'
'Only people in the world?', you joke.
'In the universe', Taehyun laughs and nods towards the changing room.
BLURRY GREEN ・•❍•・Chapter 13: Yeonjun
suggestive
I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling as I contemplate my existence. There is nothing to do. There is nothing I want to do. I check my phone and don't find any new message. I scroll through the photos of the sea that Soobin sent me. Then I switch over to admiring silly photos we took together, Soobin, Ben, Taehyun, Kai and I. I should take photos with Bambi, too.
It takes a lot to get up and leave my room, but I do mange to walk down the hallways and staircases to arrive in the effortless warmth of the bathroom. I switch on the water and sit down on the bench, not caring about my clothes being drenched in seconds. I could fall asleep here and wake up as if it were nothing.
My mind wanders and makes up scenarios of Bambi confessing to Lino. She might come running to me in tears after a rejection or she came beaming as if she were the sun herself, telling me about her successful confession. Either way I'd hug her, I realize. I always want to hold her close. I failed to stay close and protective the first night we met and I never want to let this paralyzation happen to me again, at least not when it comes to her or any of my other friends.
I groan when I sit up. I rip the shirt over my head and push my pants down. Both pieces of clothes land mindlessly in the corner of the shower stall. I am hard. No idea how my body even manages to get into this state when it usually doesn't have energy for being a basic human being beyond obligatory tasks.
I take care of myself and spill in harmony with the water. A high pitched groan falls from my lips and a mental image of collapsing into Bambi's safe embrace appears. It calms me as much as it upsets me. She's not here. She's with Lino.
I have never experienced that I am the jealous type. This new glimmer of myself astonishes me, makes me feel alive.
TW: brief discussion of involuntary sexual activities
Wrapped in one of Yeonjun's sweaters and with empty hands, you arrive in front of Ben's heavy door. It needs some knocks until he opens.
Before he says anything he eyes you up and down, then Yeonjun. A smirk appears on Ben's face and he reenters his room with a wave of his hand signifying you to follow him.
The pile of clothes next to his bed is gone; the teddy holds an umbrella; and some new light catcher hang from the ceiling. The rainbow colored spots dance through the room in excitement.
Ben sits down on the sofa and crosses one leg over the other, his eyebrows raised and the smirk still prominent.
'So, what's new?,' he asks and chuckles when Yeonjun dramatically pulls your bag up his shoulder, then flicks back his hair.
'I acquired a new style,' he says and strikes a pose.
You laugh, but somehow feel shyer than you anticipated.
Ben's eyes find yours and they seem to silently ask you 'What did you do to him?'. You shake your head and try suppress a smile.
'I see. Is the bag spacious enough to carry all your sorrow?', Ben mocks and reaches out to you to tug on your sleeve.
You comply and drop down next to him, his arm immediately circling around your shoulders.
'Hi,' he whispers into your ear.
'Hi,' you say out loud.
He gives you an amused look.
'How's it going with gym boy?,' he asks curiously.
You watch Yeonjun placing your bag and jacket on the floor to your feet. He excuses himself and leaves the room which allows you to fully focus on Ben.
'Lino?,' you ask stupidly.
'I think that is the one you've been gushing over the past few days, yeah,' he chuckles.
'I've got a phone,' you beam.
'A phone. Didn't know you wanted to go out with a phone,' he yawns.
You pull him in closer, welcoming his head against yours.
'Gonna ask him for his number? That oldschool?,' he snickers and starts playing with your sleeve again.
Yeonjun returns and silently hands each of you a cup of tea before he sits down next to you and sips on his own.
'I want the full city experience,' you return.
'And that includes talking over the phone?,' Ben questions.
'I guess. I've never had a phone,' you laugh.
'Give it to me,' Ben urges and you want to lean down to get it out of your bag, but Yeonjun is faster.
His hand shakes when he hands the device over.Before you can say anything he looks away and continues drinking his tea.
'Lino is great and all, I bet, but you need to save my number first.'
'Why?,' you laugh and taste lavender on your lips.
Ben looks up, eyes big and eyebrows knitted. He sulks like a little boy, yet proceeds to smile like a man.
'It would hurt my ego if your gym crush made it onto your contact list before I do. Who were you to call when you're in trouble?'
'You know, Lino is probably stronger than you. Perhaps I should just call him first,' you counter just to be met with a loud groan of annoyance.
'Oh, shut up. Stronger my ass. I'd flick that little man aside,' he whines.
'Yeonjun, you already put your number in, didn't you?,' he addresses the older man, abandoning the teacup on the floor.
'I did,' Yeonjun whispers, still turned away from you.
'Wow, I am only second?,' Ben huffs and finally works on the display.
'Here,' he announces and hands it back after only a few seconds.
'My number. You text me, you call me - whenever you want. Promise?,' he says as he holds out his pinky.
'Promise,' you sigh and roll your eyes, yet intertwine your pinky with his.
He smiles. You do, too.
BLURRY GREEN ・•❍•・Chapter 12: Yeonjun
I frown, the whole time actually.
I frown when I get the tea. I frown when Ben leans into Bambi. I frown when he puts his number into her phone. I frown at their pinky promise. I even frown when they fall silent and do nothing but sit there.
I am sure what I feel is supposed to be jealousy. It would make sense, however, the word doesn't feel quite accurate. There is something else that I can't pinpoint. Is it wonder? Fascination?
Ben and Bambi allow me to see for the first time how people bond with ease over their shared experience of not growing up in the city. They have a past that I can't even imagine, let alone understand. They got to know life in a way I never will. And they get to know how it is to start life over again.
Is it joy? Ben finding a new friend so easily must be an assuring experience for him. Moreover, he finally gets to catch a break from the otherness that still lingers when he hangs out with us. In Bambi he has someone who has the capacity to understand him on levels we never will. They probably don't even have to talk about the Outside. They already know each other to have all the relevant context.
Maybe that is what I envy and fear at the same time. I envy such easy bonds and I fear never being understood so wordlessly.
'What are you thinking?,' Bambi asks and I turn around only to find her looking at me with tired eyes.
'Are you tired?,' I respond.
'You made lavender tea,' she laughs sleepily.
'I did. Thought it calms us down,' I explain.
'Weren't we calm enough before?,' she questions.
Ben looks up and laughs out loud.
'I could hear your both's hearts beating even when you were still standing on the other side of the door,' he exclaims.
Bambi and I look at another, then at Ben, and then all three of us burst into an embarrassed laughter. We laugh on and on and at one point I find Bambi holding onto my arm. Carefully, I take her hand and let our fingers intertwine. I am not sure if she notices, as she is busy catching her breath. When she pulls my hand in her lap and holds it there, I like to believe she is doing it consciously.
I watch her slumping against the mattress when we all decide that we are tired. Ben wraps the blanket around her and positions himself next to her. They gravitate towards another so naturally.
Ben's teddy accompanies me on the sofa. As I take a last sip from my lavender tea, I hear Ben and Bambi whispering to another. I watch them settling into each other's embrace, mere shadows of figures in the glimpse of the moons' light that shine through the high windows, while I snuggle into the pillow beneath me.
'Night, Bambi,' I say and Ben's immediate complain follow.
'What about me? The second a lady is present you just ignore your best friend?'
'I never ignore Soobin,' I respond feistily.
'Oh, you're an ass Choi Yeonjun,' Ben groans and I get up.
I walk over and lean over him. He almost jumps up when I tug the blanket around him and pat his head.
'Goodnight, Beomi,' I say cutely and run my fingers through his hair a few times.
'Beomi, huh?,' Bambi asks softly and Ben hums contently.
'This is home,' he sighs and I feel him returning to calmness between Bambi and my touch.
'May I call you Beomi from now on, too?,' she asks more silently.
'No, I'm Gyu to you,' he spits with no true force in his voice.
'Beomi,' I say.
'Gyu,' Bambi finishes off and I get back to my made-shift bed.
BLURRY GREEN ・•❍•・Chapter 12: YJ & BB
YJ: You have a phone! Now you're a real citizen :)
BB: The honor!
YJ: hehe, have you already texted Lino ;)
BB: No. I need to process the whole day first before I can shift my focus.
YJ: It was a lot, huh?
YJ: I'm sorry that I yelled at you
BB: I already forgave you!
YJ: Oh, then the other thing, huh?
YJ: I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I really thought you meant taking a shower as in literally taking a shower and that's it. I didn't mean to reject you or anything, but there is no way I want you to drop to your knees the second I am naked.
BB: Don't repeat it. I am embarrassed as it is!
YJ: click on the face, there are emojis you can use btw
BB: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
YJ: no, don't be embarrassed!🥺
YJ: we showered together, there is no way you are still embarrassed
BB: I am. I'm so sorry. I just thought- I don't know. Men usually like that!?
YJ: Men do, but kind men don't expect you to do it when you aren't comfortable!
BB: You could tell🙄
YJ: Of course I could tell! You looked so scared!
BB: Men usually don't care looking.
YJ: Stop it. I fucking hate men!
YJ: I am so sorry you had to go through that! Let me tell you, because apparently you don't know yet:
YJ: You only do what you're comfortable with when you are comfortable with it!
YJ: Understood?
BB: yes
YJ: How are you feeling? How does your heart feel?
BB: It's heavy. It's a lot. I'm not stupid. I know what they did was wrong, but there were things I believed had to be done to secure me in the long run.
YJ: Not anymore, I promise.
BB: Thanks for being kind.
YJ: Always.
YJ: I hope you didn't leave feeling bad.
BB: No, I felt relaxed. Your clothes are comfy. So is Ben's room.
YJ: Good.
YJ: You made me feel relaxed, too. Already beforehand. Thanks for caring for me.
BB: :)
YJ: Lino is a kind man as far as I know, btw
BB: Yeah?
YJ: Yeah
YJ: Will it be awkward the next time we se each other?
BB: probably
YJ: yeah, probably... maybe we should use Ben as a buffer again
BB: he'd get all whiny and pouty
YJ: he's so annoying. Can he like, not be adorable for a second?
BB: I think it's his default setting
YJ: what's yours?
BB: what?
YJ: what's your default setting?
BB: I don't know? Yours?
YJ: Mine is being pretty.
BB: you shallow man...
BB: I think yours is being kind.
YJ: thank you :(
BB: why the sad face?
YJ: kind is a shallow word
BB: it isn't?
YJ: yeah, it is... anyways! Did you text Lino?
BB: no😣
YJ: oh, someone is scared?
BB: no.
BB: just
BB: ...
YJ: it's fine. You can do it!
BB: sure
YJ: BB, come on
BB: BB?
YJ: you're being a bit of a baby right now, so
BB: shut up :(
YJ: I leave you be :)
BB: See you in class tomorrow?
YJ: sure thing!
BLURRY GREEN ・•❍•・Chapter 12: LK & BB
BB: Hello! It's Bambi. I got your number from Yeonjun and thought I'd text you.
LK: 👁️
BB: eye
LK: Ayyy! :D
BB: Ayyy?
LK: Ayyy😎
BB: ay :(
LK: WHY THE SAD FACE??? D:
BB: oh, I broke the ay-curse 😍
LK: born to ay, forced to care😭
BB: life is hard, man
LK: indeed
LK: but not as hard as my muscles
LK: did you see my shoulders last time?
LK: they're getting broader 😍
BB: I think that's just the illusion of your striped shirt
LK: D:
LK: I didn't ask for fashion advice!
BB: did I ask for the mental image of your luxurious shoulders?
LK: luxurious, huh?
LK: how's city's luxurious life treating you so far?
BB: quite well. I like it here :)
LK: that's good to read!
LK: are you coming to the gym tomorrow?
BB: need someone to carry your tools after you or what?
LK: I have hands, you know, I can carry my own stuff
BB: want to show off your shoulders?
LK: no, not to you at least 😳
BB: you're a confusing zebra
LK: ah, I see class is doing you well. Learned about animals?
BB: why are you not in school?
LK: because I know all the important animals on this planet
BB: you only ever talk about cats
LK: exactly
LK: so, you'll be there tomorrow?
BB: I don't think Taehyun has time to teach tomorrow
LK: I have time!
BB: you want to teach me? :D
LK: I want to make you suffer through some exercises, yes :D
BB: you know I am better than you in sports
LK: don't underestimate this city boy here!😡
LK: no, but really, please come tomorrow. You're the only one on my level. Chan and Changbin only ever lift weights and the others only ever whine. You're a good mixture of both
TW: physical intimacy (consensual but due to unawareness of boundaries consent is challenged)
I fall back onto my bed and wished I weren't so fucking impulsive.
I am not someone who seriously yells at others! Yet that's exactly what I did... But I didn't really have a choice, did I? It was damn invasive to just talk to me like that. She can't just come here, criticize me and know damn well that it doesn't matter. Words over words, but what do they help when no action proves their authenticity? If she cared enough, her words would have been reasoned, but what has she ever done for me? I arranged the phone. I introduced the village to her. I mean, I saved her at the bus stop. If there is someone who cares, it is me!
I fall asleep, I'm not sure when. Somewhere in the middle of my internal rant I just feel my energy leaving and my vision going blank.
Carefully, I sit up and the first thing I notice is the half full fruit bowl. I reach over and take a few more bites. There is sand under my fingernails.
I look around.
My room is indeed messy. I am used to it. I don't mind it much. I lift my arm to take a whiff of my body's smell and have to cough at the intense reek.
How did Bambi manage to stay in my room for so long? She must have been uncomfortable. She should have left way sooner for her own sake.
I finish eating the fruit pieces and leave my room to bring the empty bowl to the kitchen. What I don't expect is to find Bambi sitting on the big sofa in the entry area, absentmindedly staring at the empty picture frames across the room and patting a pillow that she draped over her lap.
For a second I imagined it was me.
'You're still here', I remark, surprised.
'Yeah, sorry, I can go now', she mumbles and throws the pillow aside.
'Thank you', I hurry.
My breath hitches.
'For coming here and the fruit and all. I didn't mean to yell. I'm sorry'
'You were just overwhelmed. It's fine', she sighs and steps outside onto the wooden terrace.
I follow her with a few big steps.
'That's no excuse. I shouldn't have yelled. I will never yell at you again', I promise and swallow heavily.
Bambi turns around and halts in front of me, looking deeply into my eyes as if she was searching for something. I wait for her to say something. She looks like she will any second. She doesn't.
'I- You're right. I need to take better care of myself. I go and take a shower right now, ahm, and I need to go to Ben later. He'd be happy to see you too, so, ahm, see you there?'
BLURRY GREEN ・•❍•・Chapter 11: Bambi
'Let me help you', the words fall over the brink of your lips before situational awareness could settle.
'Help me?', Yeonjun asks, fumbling with the bowl until it almost falls.
'Showering', you clarify.
'You can barely stand up by yourself', you add.
'I ate. I am standing now', he declares and looks down his body as if had to check for himself.
'Alright', you answer and sit back down onto the sofa.
'Give me a second', Yeonjun nervously laughs and vanishes into the kitchen.
He returns with empty hands and a shy smile. He coughs before he speaks. It sounds acted.
'How about you get a snack and wait here. I get ready and then we go to Ben together', he suggests and pushes the abandoned cushion into your arms.
You look into his eyes. He is good at obtaining eye contact. It makes you feel warm. After a while of silence, you can only fall back and let out a nervous chuckle.
'What?', he asks in a similar laughter, following you instinctively.
As you lean backwards, he leans forward and sits down next to you, not once looking at anything else than you.
'Or did you offer to help, because you want to shower with me?', he teases and tucks on your bag.
He taps at it and smiles.
'Didn't you want to text Lino?'
'Right', you let out.
'The first or the second question?'
'Second', you whisper, suddenly unsure if you solely intend to help or if you long for experiencing a certain closeness.
Yeonjun hums, but he doesn't leave.
It starts to rain again and wind invited itself through the open doors. The knocking of the plants against the wooden walls puts you in a trance-like state and you shiver.
'I hate the rain', Yeonjun whispers.
'But you don't even feel it', you remark.
'What?'
'There is a roof over your head. You are left with the sound and scent of rain. It's just its ghost', you explain.
Yeonjun hums again. He sounds almost like the wind himself.
'Do you like the rain?', he asks and pulls your jacket over your shoulder.
'Here I like it', you say.
'And outside?', he wants to know.
'It's cold', you state.
He gets up and extends his hand. You discard the pillow and let him pull you up. He leads you through the hallway and down another one. It is dark. Only the light of the adjacent rooms escape under the doors and the keyholes. There is a staircase in the end of the corridor and when you climb down another one that's rare a ladder than proper stars, you enter a grey stoned bathroom.
It is warm, the floor as well as the walls. There is a stoned bench implemented in the fall and the shower stall takes up a third of the room. The stone bench makes another appearance under the shower head. Across the shower you find a long sink, above it a mirror of same length. On the left is a closet.
Yeonjun takes out two towels and two bathrobes.
He opens the glass door and reaches up to the shower head. The water comes out in an abundance of steady streams that rain compares nothing to. Tiny waterfalls, you think.
'It's the most inside the rain could get', Yeonjun laughs and you remember that you are in the depths of a mountain.
He turns around and gifts you another smile.
'Is this okay for you?', he asks.
'It's just a shower', you say.
'I know, but- you know', he stammers.
Whether you are standing together in the rain or in a construction of it, it's essentially the same. That's was you hope, at least.
'I just fear that you fall and hit your head or something', you try to reason.
'Come here', he instructs and you closet the distance with a few steps.
He opens his arm and pulls you into a hug.
'It's just a shower', he mumbles into your hair and you nod.
'Just a shower', you repeat and another shiver attacks you.
'Oh, you're still freezing', he gasps.
His hold tightens around you. Similarly, to how he activated the shower, your tears suddenly brim in the corners of your eyes, ready to spill and accompany the water behind Yeonjun.
'Clothes...', he hushes.
'Is it fine if I-', he lets the silence catch onto his question as you nod and tug on the strap around you.
Carefully, he lifts your bag off your shoulder. It lands on the stone bench with his shirt as well as your jacket.
It is you who wanted to help him, yet he is the one taking care of your comfort. You overestimated yourself, but you don't want to back off.
'Do you remember my favorite spot on the field?', Yeonjun asks when he experimentally tugs on your shirt.
He doesn't look you into the eyes anymore. Something more interesting must be found in the skin of his hands.
'Yes. The pavilion', you recall as he frees you from your clothes. He had brought you there when he showed you around the City. He brought some snacks and had a picnic with you in the pavilion that is only half standing as some columns are only crumbling stones, not able to hold up the roof. It started to rain that afternoon and you two squeezed into the only corner of the pavilion that is still covered with the remains of the dome. It feels ironic that you are now in the middle of a mountain, in a room that deliberately entails a corner of rain imitation.
Once the shirt is discarded he kneels and waits for your consent to pull down your skirt. You nod. The shivers intensify.
'You're okay', he whispers when he returns from the pile of clothes.
'Do you prefer me keeping my clothes on or-?'
'No, it's fine. Can't have you running around drenched.'
'It wouldn't be problem', Yeonjun coos as he tries to look into your eyes, reading your mind perhaps.
'I don't mind you taking off your clothes', you finally say clearly and he sees goosebumps creeping over your arms. Not wanting to let you stand there freezing any longer he discards his clothes and leaves them next to your pile on the stone bench.
The warmth of the water has occupied the whole room. Yeonjun closes the glass door behind you as you step into the stall.
Perhaps it is the fear of him turning into a monster that oversteps your boundaries, or maybe it is your uncertainty about what your boundaries actually are.
Outside you had to do what gave you the highest chances of surviving. Boundaries and morals are easily out of the window when it is about living on or dying soon. Fighting with your fists is the easiest, however, fights occur in various forms and your fists were rarely the most effective tool, especially when energy wasn't on your side.
It might be a habit. It might be an instinct. You don't know why exactly you drop down to your knees in front of him. Consciousness is not a part of you ever since you stepped into the bathroom. The intention of helping Yeonjun is blurred by fear. Survival instinct settles in, in the most bizarre forms. They make sense to you, maybe only you.
'No, get up', Yeonjun urges calmly.
His hands appear on your shoulders and when you don't move up, he comes down to you.
'Hey', he softly laughs.
The water stream is louder than he is, but he doesn't drown in it.
BLURRY GREEN ・•❍•・Chapter 11: Yeonjun
I can't get her to stand up. This is highly uncomfortable, yet I see the emptiness in her eyes again. I hate to see it. There is a reason why I avoid my reflection. I can't avoid her.
She is on autopilot.
My knees press into the hard stone. Her shoulders under my palms lull me into the illusion that there is only softness around me. If it weren't for the water from above, I'd be sweating. She, on the other hand, still shivers.
Then she freaks out.
'I'm sorry', she mumbles at first.
The she gets louder.
She shouts apology after apology and alters from covering her body with her arms and fumbling with the glass door.
I push it open for her.
She runs to wrap a robe around her. I follow her with water floating down my body as if I were a waterfall myself.
'Everything is fine', I say and only then when my voice sounds with the eater being nothing more than background noise, she looks at me.
When our eyes meet, she stops shivering.
There could have been thousand reasons why I met her, with the most likable being nothing but coincidence, but in this moment when her reaction is so immediate to my mere gaze, I start to believe that we are good for another. Even more, I start to consider that the goodness in me is more significant than I thought and that I, too, deserve good things.
'I'm so sorry', she mumbles one last time, before I open my arms and invite her into a hug.
My naked body doesn't seem to have any relevance, at least no less or more than when it's dressed.
'Nothing happened', I remind her.
'Do you wish it did?', she asks quietly.
'I just want us to take a shower and get ready to annoy Ben', I attempt to laugh out lightheartedly.
You can't wait any longer. The clock is ticking and you feel likelife is passing by faster than ever, death basically on its direct way to you. You have to use your chance. Even such silly a thing like a crush can end in regret when you don't take yourself seriously. The attempt of going to the gym to talk to Lino personally was nerve-racking. He is kind and easy to talk to. His beauty definitely goes beyond the superficial surface of shallow looks. You especially notice this when he talks about the restaurant he is working at. The amount of pride his voice carries when he mentions that his friends come there everyday reminds you of the beauty of a stable mundanity that you hoped to find in the city.
There were plenty of moments that you could have used to confess. However, realistically seen, you only know him for a couple of days and you still had to figure out if you are truly interested in him. It would be unfair to introduce him into a reality in which he is so easily desired, only then to have that turning out to be false, a mere illusion caused by the newness of it all messing with your head.
If you wan to fully indulge yourself in the city lifestyle to understand who you are, you should also remain patient and test out all aspects of it, such as talking to someone over the phone.
It feels like a fun mission. Acting on your interest makes you feel giddy. Getting to see Yeonjun again does, too.
The servants greet you and press a bottle of water into your hand when they get to understand that you walked all the way up the hill.
You wonder how deep into the mountain this building reaches, but Yeonjun's door greets you just around the corner of the first hallway. Carefully, you knock. Only a low groan announces that he is in there, so you knock once again, following it with his name. He opens the door without giving it one second to look at you. He waddles straight back to the mattress and drops down on it, nestling his face into the pillow.
You look around, taking in the mess. Loose papers are lying around as well as an abundance of empty noodle boxes and other packages. On the mattress is sand. To its feet lie seashells. The scent of expired food and sweat define the room and you find yourself realizing how overwhelming the additional task of house duty has to be for Yeonjun.
You discard your bag and place it against the wall. With a gentle approach you tuck the thin blanket around Yeonjun's shoulders and make your way to the kitchen.
'Yeah, ahm, hello', you say to one servant who is currently busy washing a huge pile of dishes.
'Oh, hello, dear', he says and looks up with a welcoming smile, his hands steadily rinsing off the plate.
'I want to make breakfast for Yeonjun. Ahm, may I take some of the fruits here? I'll bring back new ones later, I promise', you ask.
'Of course! You're new here, hm?', he questions in a chuckle.
'Yeah... Is it that obvious?', you wonder and hesitantly take a banana from the bowl.
'You know, you don't have to ask when you want to take stuff here. You exist in this space therefore you deserve to use the space with all that it provides', he explains.
'Here', the man places a small ceramic bowl in front of you and signals you to put the fruit pieces in there.
'You just cleaned it', you remind him, guilty of your mere presence adding to his workload.
'Doesn't he deserve to eat from a clean bowl?', he asks with a knowing smile.
'Thank you', you genuinely express and start filling the bowl with fruits.
When you arrive back in Yeonjun's room, not without knocking first to appeal to his privacy, he is still lying on his bed, but this time properly awake.
'You're actually here', he squeals and sits up, hair messy and eyes full of sleep, but with a vibrant smile.
'I thought I was dreaming, but then I saw your bag and then I thought I am still dreaming', he laughs and shifts to the side to make space on the mattress for you to sit down on.
'I am actually here', you assure and give your best to suppress your nose to scrunch up at the unpleasant smell.
'And I made you breakfast'.
For a moment he falls silent and just looks at you. You think his eyes are slowly starting to fill with tears, but he takes the bowl with a thanks too soon for you to be sure.
'You know-', he starts saying and stuffs banana pieces in his mouth, deliciously munching on it.
'I love banana! Woah, no, yes, I do, but- What I wanted to say is... that-', he stutters and suddenly looks up from his meal, directly into your eyes.
'Did you have breakfast yet?'
'No, but I am not hungry', you calm him down and nod to his fruit bowl to signal him that he can just keep eating without worries.
'I didn't have breakfast in weeks', he says, choking up a bit, and the way he keeps staring downwards hints to you that he might be tearing up this time for sure.
'Thank you', he ends his rant and keeps eating quietly.
'It's messy, I know', he interrupts when you look around.
He puts the half empty bowl aside.
'You need to take better care of yourself', you sigh.
'I am quite good at taking care of myself, don't worry', he appeases and reaches over to the other side of the mattress.
'Here', he proudly announces and hands you the phone.
'Thank you', you say with a smile.
It is forced.
'Will it always be this messy when I come to visit you?', you ask and are surprised at the annoyance in your voice.
Yeonjun frowns.
'Will you always be that condescending?', he huffs and kicks his blanket aside, gets up, and hand you your bag.
Every of his steps leaves a trace of sand and when you take your bag, only to let it sink back to the floor, because you are definitely not leaving, his hands show clear signs of sunburn. You look at him expectantly.
'I forgot sunscreen yesterday', he mumbles.
'Yeonjun, I swear-'
He interrupts you.
'Shut up! I have taken care of myself for years! You can't just come along and be like this!'
'Like what? A good person? A good friend?', you ask calmly.
Maybe he doesn't like having you here. Perhaps you are not a friend here after all.
'So fucking hypocritic!', he shouts and opens the door for you to leave, but his movement is wobbly and he has to hold onto the handle to steady himself.
Carefully you close the door and with all gentleness that you are carrying in your heart, you place your palm on Yeonjun's upper arm and push him back to bed, where he sits down in obvious exhaustion, breathing heavily and pressing his fingers into his temples. You crouch down in front of him.
'You run around with your bruised hands, not treating your own wounds and tell me something about taking better care of myself', he whispers.
'Why would you even care about me when you don't even care much about yourself?'
You feel a sting in your chest. You left everything behind solely to bring yourself into an environment that guarantees stability and safety. You assumed that was enough. You trust the city to make you better version of yourself. It will happen naturally, won't it? You took the first and most important step, and now you can rest, right? The intention was set. Your care will surely remain throughout all your actions for a while now, right?
'Take your phone and leave. Confess to Lino. That's why you're here for after all', Yeonjun sighs and lays back down, eyebrows pulled together either in pain or in anger, maybe both.
'I don't want to leave you right now', you whisper, scared that anything beyond the controlled quiet words would turn out to be furious screams and you definitely don't want to scream at Yeonjun.
You don't know what to do with your hands. The wooden lines on the floor meet your fingertips when you sit down next to the mattress and lean back onto your hands. Frantically, you draw invisible shapes onto the floor.
'I told you to leave', he grunts and quickly sits up, towering over you.
In any other circumstance you would have been scared, ready to fight, thinking of an escape plan in milliseconds, but even when Yeonjun is mad, you feel calm and safe.
His looks may be intimidating, but his presence surely isn't.
'You're so annoying! Leave me alone! Leave. Me. Alone. Go away!', he throws a tantrum and you silently comply, grabbing the phone, pushing it in your bag and finally leave the room.
The sound of the waves gently splashing over the sand welcomes me into Soobin's realm. The little stone hut, at which the bus stops, looks out of place in the otherwise empty scenery, but I am is glad that to find at least some sort of civilization.
Walking in the hot sunlight with no protective roof of branches and leaves is not the most pleasant journey. It is worth considering that in the end Soobin is waiting for me, though. As I stroll towards the white stone house, I feel sweat escaping my pores and I hate that even now that the rain took a break, I still end up being drenched. Just like my own home this building descends into the depths of the earth, the visible part above only being a fragment of its entirety, so I find hope in the guaranteed protection in front of me.
'Welcome', Soobin says without looking up from the sheet of paper that is fully covering the wooden table's surface.
Lines and shapes fill the paper and little numbers and notes decorate every edge and curve.
'Hello', I reply and drop onto a chair.
'What a privilege to enjoy your presence', Soobin mumbles sarcastically, eyes focused onto his hand movement, persistently adding another line onto the paper.
I ignore his comment and look around. Every time I come here, I find the room to be a bit messier than before. New blanc paper rolls are added to the shelves and even more used ones are leaning against the wall in secure frames. Each corner of the room contains portrayals of a specific type of building, designed to fit into appropriate terrains.
'Will you design a house for me one day?', I ask and lean forward, tilting my head to look directly at Soobin's face, messing with his concentration.
'I'll throw you into the ocean and let you search for Atlantis', the blond man sighs and stands up properly, looking at me for the first time today.
'You'd come with me, right?', I whine and lean my head against Soobin's shoulder.
I remain patient and wait for his reaction. Depending on his mood, he will either express disgust towards my absolutely adorable antics, side-eyeing me to death as I simply seduce him with my overbearing love for him, or he will laugh in genuine endearment, involuntarily making me blush and tone down my behavior. This time, he laughs and pulls me agains him. Then he takes my hand and drags me outside.
I inhale luxuriously and throw my head back, letting the salty breeze brush through my hair. My opened button down shirt flutters around my waist and I welcome the moment with open arms. Soobin is way more casual than I am, hands stuffed in his pants' pockets and head slightly lowered. I pity him for being used to the beach. He cannot enjoy this place's beauty like I can.
'I've got the phone', he announces after a while, as I am picking up some seashells that I proudly present to him.
'You're fast', I say and gently shake my hand to let my new found treasure fall over into my other palm, so that we are able to capture various sides of the shells.
Soobin nods, but he doesn't look.
'You might not have that much time', he announces.
I frown and ask: 'Time for what?'
'Time with her', he articulates in a clear voice, overcoming the disturbing sound of the wind.
'Bambi?', I clarify and feel Soobin's hand on my shoulder, squeezing it for a second.
'I'm just worried that you'll get attached too easily and that she'll leave', he explains and bends down to fetch another seashell that he adds to the other's in my hand.
'Just to clarify', I start, putting all the seashells in my pocket.
'I'm just making a new friend and I thought they could use a phone to be able to make connections in the city since she's new here. That's all'.
Soobin tilts his head and flips some sand off of my shoulder, mumbling a halfhearted 'if you say so'.
His pace fastens and I hurry to follow him back inside the building. I stumble over a box and almost step on a bag. I have never seen the entry in the back being organized, but today's intense chaos images to surprise me. Even papers are scattered on the floor and at least with those Soobin usually tries to be careful.
'All of you could leave every day', I tell him and let out a relieved whine when I jump over the glass of a picture frame that I fortunately register last second in the darkness of the hallway.
'Ah, I'm sorry. I'll light you the way', Soobin shouts apologetically from the other side where he already vanishes into a room. I continue my way when a light beam appears from his direction.
'Ben does leave regularly, yet it's easy to be friends with him', I argue and wobble on the thin empty line of floor between all kinds of pieces from a telescope set, pencils, rulers and more paper sheets.
'I'm just suspicious of the situation', Soobin waves off and closes the door behind me when I successfully end my parkour run.
'Have you heard from Ben?', I asks and watch Soobin crouching down at the wall where a full bag is resting.
He takes out a small package and hands it over to me, shaking his head.
I nod and start to worry. It is the same routine every other month. Taehyun heads into the Outside to get a job done and Ben joins him, functioning as mediator between the two parties of business. Taehyun relies on Ben's judgement and knowledge of places and people. Ben on the other hand benefits from the safe trips into his home territory, staying there a few days until Taehyun returns for his next job, picking him up on the way home. On rare occasions, Ben returns by himself.
'Do you feel guilty?', Soobin suddenly asks, closing the curtain, automatically dimming the light in the room, blocking the setting sun out as well as the mosquitos.
'When it comes to Ben?', I question.
'Bambi', he corrects and adds quieter, 'after the bus stop incident'.
'Just thought that might be the reason for you wanting to spend time with her', he huffs and sits down, taking a bottle, half full with water from the surface of a chair and sips from it.
'You're really bothered', I laugh and step forward to take the bottle out of his hand and hug him, letting his head rest against my stomach while I gently run my fingers through his from the sea salt corrupted, knotty hair.
'You're still my number one', I squeal and hum, letting him feel the vibration of my body, as if I were a cat.
Soobin, reluctantly at first, hugs me back and melts into my embrace.
'Just don't get hurt', he whispers and tightens his grip on my shirt.
'I won't. I don't believe Bambi could hurt me or anyone', I answer, trusting in my judgement and feel my friend nodding.
Soobin resolves our cuddling session and insists on walking me back all the way to the bus stop. I throw myself into an exaggerated choreography of waves and non-existent tear drying when I sit in the last row of the bus, looking back at how Soobin becomes smaller and smaller.
I arrive at home with the phone forgotten in my pocket. Only as I lie down and roll onto my side, feeling uncomfortable, I remember the device. I pull it out and place it onto the mattress next to my head. I add the seashells that carry a good amount of sand with them. I have no intention of taking a shower or even remotely wash up and just tell myself that I will do it tomorrow. The seashells stink and I turn away from them, falling asleep facing the wall. I come up with the theory that it could be me who is emitting the unpleasant fragrance, but sleep catches me and drowns my senses before I could commence to care.
Hunger is audibly making its way through my stomach. A late night snack is non-negotiable. It is the small things that matter and not even my tired body stands a chance against this small portion of joy. My ramen and my chocolate definitely matter enough to walk a few steps.
'Why are you hiding?', I laugh when I find Bambi pressed against the store building's wall, lurking around the corner to watch the parking lot.
The shadow engulfs her perfectly, but the little ruffles of her skirt dance in the soft breeze so familiarly that I immediately recognize her.
With her index finger softly touching her lips, I am getting instructed to be silent and I obey. The sweet venom of curiosity occupies my otherwise blood-filled veins. I bring my body next to hers, giving the blanket of darkness the permission to cover me as well. With my plastic bag full of snacks, we remain silent.
A car disturbs the emptiness of the parking area and the exhilaration laughter of a group of young men sounds over the music. Some stand up on the truck's loading area and move to the rhythm.
'I didn't think you're a stalker', I whisper, leaning closer to Bambi.
'I'm not', she mumbles back at me, angrily.
When I hear the car again I am getting pushed back around the building. I barely register her palms on my chest. That's how tired I am.
Some of the men run after the moving car. It stops and the long haired man – Hyunjin – attempts to jump up the loading area, however trips. A smaller man comes rushed towards him and helps him up. I recognize Chan and notice his signature concern in the way his every move is directed to support Hyunjin. Soon, all eight men are collectively placed in the car. Changbin is driving and I hope he doesn't see my abandoned back of snacks.
'Now', I start when I walk over to my delicious purchases, 'What's the reason you didn't let me greet my friend?'.
'Your friend? You know them?', she follows me, still whispering as if we weren't alone.
'Of course, I know them', I laugh.
I pull out one chocolate bar, peel the plastic off and hand it over to Bambi. We walk to the middle of the parking lot and I can't keep my eyes from glancing down her legs where her skirt is jumping through the enthusiastic air. My own pants are just hanging around my legs in such boring manner that solely my movements manage to make them move.
'Are you friends with all of them?', she asks and finally takes a bite.
'Don't you like it?', I wonder and register her shaking her head.
'Well, more mint chocolate for me then. It's my favorite', I beam and chew on the soft freshness.
'I know', she mumbles and I search for the orange that I bought, throwing the empty chocolate package in my bag.
'I'm primarily friends with Changbin, the one who was driving. Sweet man. The others are around', I explain, my attention shifting to the droplet of orange juice that is running down my hand and over my arm.
Bambi hums and her eyes drift away, fixating something in the distance. She looks a bit lost, just standing there in the middle of concrete.
I tear off an orange piece and hold its infant in front of her and when she doesn't react, I nudge the fruit's skin against her lips. I have to chuckle when Bambi quivers back, blinking at me with widened eyes. She proceeds to lift their hand to take the fruit, but I pull back before she can touch it.
'Not with your tattered hands', I remind and find joy in the fact that she glares at me, yet shyly part her lips to allow me to feed her.
'The one in the striped shirt', she mutters and swallows, 'What's his name?'.
I hand over another piece and my fingers lightly touch her lips. She flinches back. I breath out a low 'sorry' and am relieved to find an assuring smile appear on those exact lips. I clear my throat and look down at my hands, watching them continuing the peeling process.
'Lino. His name is Lino. He works at the market', I tell.
'He's beautiful', Bambi whispers dreamily and I look up, finding her smiling absentmindedly.
My heart feels bigger, taking up more space in my chest, extra room for the delight of experiencing Bambi being happy.
She snaps out of it and look at me apathetically.
'What are you thinking about?', she questions, taking a step back and eying my face.
'How I could possibly deal being friends with a stalker', I reply mischievously, pushing a piece of orange into my mouth.
'We are friends?'.
I nod.
'Soon, I mean. Soon', I see Soobin in front of my inner eye and add, 'Give me some time'.
She nods.
'I can give you Lino's number', I offer.
'I don't have a phone', she tells me, pronouncing it as phun.
'I'll get you one', I promise.
We leave the parking lot and I lead the way into the direction of her apartment.
'You can try chatting him up in the gym', I suggest, knowing that the phone's arrival might take some days.
'I can't just interrupt his training', she cringes and pulls up the zipper of her thin jacket.
'Yeah, watching him throughout his sweaty routines seems to be more your style', I joke and gain another glare.
We stop in front of the apartment complex and both look up the abundance of windows, some illuminated, some dark, some showing decoration and some being empty. I wonder which one Bambi's is.
'Thank you for walking me home', she smiles at me.
I feel my heart trying to reach over to snatch that smile to store it in perfect protection in the depths of my soul.
'I think I am the one who has to thank you for helping me today', I respond calmly and open my arms for a hug.
Bambi shyly steps into my embrace and when I close my arms, securing her body in my close proximity, I can feel her head resting against my shoulder. I feel us simultaneously taking a deep breath, inhaling each other's warmth. I wait until she is vanished inside the building and keep standing here for a few more minutes, waiting to see which window lights up. None does and I start to feel like I am the true stalker, so I quickly turn around and walk home.
A message from Soobin arrived while I was gone and to the question of how my day went, I reply with a close-up photo of my face. I send out a promise that I will help him and Terry with the next delivery and receive a photo of the beach. The dark water contrasts with bright sand and everything is drowning in the greenish hue of the moons' lights. My eyes are glued to the screen, repeatedly wandering over every detail of the pixelated image and that is how I shift into the realm of meekly unconsciousness.
My back hurts. My arm hurts. It's just vases that I'm lifting down the shelf. One of my building mates walks by and pats my shoulder sympathetically. He brings me a glass of water before he vanishes into the depths of the building again.
'I heard you were crying?', a voice sounds from the entry and I feel a stretch in my face.
It takes me a heartbeat to realize that I am smiling.
Bambi's skirt is twirling around her legs while walking up the stairs, and I welcome her with a hug. She skips two stairs when I pull her up.
'How horrible is it?'
She places her head against my shoulder just how I like to do with Soobin.
'Incredibly horrible', I mumble against her, but when my lips brush against her warm skin, I cannot remember whatincredible horror is supposed to feel like.
'Soobin sent me'.
I nod and pull back, looking at her, because her voice sounds unsure and I want to get to know how uncertainty looks like on Bambi.
Her hands remain on my shoulders. I see my eyes in Bambi's. Realization hits me and I am outraged about the accusation of crying over simple responsibilities.
'I didn't cry!', I clarify loudly and look around to find the rag that I dropped somewhere.
It's under the low table and bend down to rub it over the floor. I feel Bambi dropping down next to me, reclaiming proximity, head under the table and smiling sweetly.
'Where can I find another rug?'
'You don't have to help me', I whisper, feeling a bit claustrophobic and warm.
'I made you walk all day yesterday. See it as return of favor', she persuades.
'You did not make me. I offered to show you around', I correct, fumbling with the wet fabric in my hand.
'Get me a rag', she groans and I give in.
I rush down the hallway and into the storage room. The first thing I notice when I stop in my tracks to fish a rag from the upper shelf is that my cheeks hurt. Smiling so much feels foreign.
Bambi tells me about their first boxing lesson. She hesitates when speaking, gets quiet for a second before she laughs. She tells me about how she stumbled and I think it's pretty how she squints her eyes in memory of the slight embarrassment. I assure her that I'm a clumsy idiot myself in hopes of easing her mind.
I know my friends' clumsiness inside out. My hypothesis is that every person is drawn to clumsiness depending on what they are doing. It's just human nature. Soobin, for instance, is horrific when it comes to ball sports, while Kai stumbles and falls when the floor is even a bit slippery. Ben tends to twist his ankle and Taehyun becomes clumsy with words when he's shy. I personally am a fool when doing mundane tasks, especially cooking. Everything always falls. Meteoroids might have gotten rid of a good chunk of the planet, but surely did leave gravity to let me suffer.
'I kind of lost focus when someone entered', she says and looks at me with wide eyes, waiting for my reaction.
'Who? Soobin?'.
'Oh, no, I saw him later outside the gym when I wanted to go home'.
'What weirdo would go to workout that early?', I question and find Bambi side eyeing me.
'Besides you, obviously. You are the only cute person doing that', I appease and secretly enjoy her blushing and desperately ignoring my comment.
'I don't know who he is. I only thought that he's beautiful and then my brain went blank', she admits and adds in a hushed tone, 'That never happened to me before'.
He doesn't believe her. He has seen her fall quiet too many times for that, but he respects her admitting out loud that someone made an impression on her.
'Did you like it?'
She wipes over the shelf, collecting dust and announces: 'I didn't hate it'.
I nod. I like to believe that all my friends had and still have this effect on me, overwhelming me so wonderfully with nothing but their sheer presence.
'You're a bit richer now', I hum and place some vases back onto the clean shelf.
'Why are here so many empty frames?', she asks.
I take what she hands me, placing it in the furthest corner of the shelf.
'They are symbolic rather than practical. We keep them empty as a placeholder for hope for a better future. Kinda like waiting for good memories that are worth filling the frames', I explain.
'Outside, we just fill them with what we have right away'.
'We keep them for something special', I repeat and place the last vases in front of them.
'Why is there no photo of you then?', Bambi asks and immediately bursts into laughter, turning around to get the clock.
We clean together until it's only Bambi cleaning. I fall asleep on the sofa in a moment of weakness and wake up to everything being sorted. There is a piece of paper on the table, leaning against a small glass filled with water and freshly picked flowers. The paper shows a stick figure with the title 'Yawnjune'. A shaky lined square decorates the paper's edges and makes it appear to be framed. On the back I find the note:
'I cannot draw well, sorry. I had to leave, but I did not want to wake you. - Bambi.'
I smile.
Apparently I am the personification of a tired summer month.
