my letter to open my heart
sorry for the mixed signals that other day
it was so unexpected for me and since I don't do it very often
I just don't remember what I said or communicated
i thought a lot these past few days
i thought about leaving things the way it is
but
how could i
my friend told me she experienced the worst turbulence EVER in her life going to LA from Taiwan
the passing of big S
i cannot leave without telling you how i really feel
i cannot leave with regrets
if i were gone tomorrow, i wouldn't not want you to know how i feel
ee shen
i like you
i like you a lot
i like you out of my expectations
and it drives me insane
because when i like someone
i get a little irrational, emotional, and sometimes out of control
and i really don't like allowing myself to be out of control
it is negative?
of course not
i feel my heart flutter when i am around you
i feel electricity shoot up and down my body when your finger accidentally grazes over my lips
i feel warmth when our eyes meet
i feel myself wanting more
i feel sleepy desires get awakened (or aroused HAHAHA)
i feel smiley when i get messages from you
i feel happy when i feel you happy
i feel the attraction deepen throughout these months
i feel my feelings shift from like to love to unconditional love
and its all feelings that i did not expect to have in 2024
but i am honestly so so so grateful
now that i'm done with what i feel
i have to think about what i want
i am learning to speak what i want into existence, i guess
so of course you're playing my opposite in these scenes
because you have EVEN MORE emotional control than me
(*goddamn lol )
i want to try
i am so fucking curious
but i don't really know what trying even means???
WHY DID WE MEET?
WHY NOW?
WHY THESE FEELINGS?
WHAT ARE WE LEARNING?
WHAT ELSE IS IN STORE?
we must've planned something before we came into this life
and I'm so curious to find out what that is
yes we are so different
this was the most unexpected unraveling of my heart chakra
i am caught off guard
i've tried to talk myself out of these feelings
i've observed all your different masks
i've made up one hundred thousands reasons of no way
i've let my head lead the way
but how does this help me grow?
where does my logic take me?
yes my head will take me to success
to money
to friendships
to being a productive human in society
BUT it wont take me to love
this is so scary to me
to go so deep and raw with my feelings
maybe i do feel safe with you
maybe i know that no matter how you feel,
i still will love you unconditionally
for the meeting in this life time
for the healings you've given me
for the state of physical health i am in
and that will never change
*DEEEEEEPEST BREATH IN*
i hope i get to see you in person again before i leave
i'd like to tell you these things in person
i hope to clear any and all blockages between us in all times, realms and space
i hope to keep the clearest communication channel
so that you may hear my heart
if the right things cannot be said
i love you
i am grateful for loving you
thank you for opening my heart
love,
me
feb 4 2025 14:50 yilan evergreen