It's after midnight Christmas morning and I just got in a fight with the only family member I didn't fight with yesterday. I don't have any friends that I normally reach out to when I'm upset except the one I'm sure is super stressed about college too right now and I don't want to add to anything for her and she lives to far away for just a hug to be possible. Every fucking teacher and administrator at my school expects great things and my only news from colleges so far is a deferral and I'm terrified that the applications I'm gonna be submitting in the next week have to be amazing or everyone will be disappointed in me. There's a girl at my school who apparently has a list of where everyone applied to, got in to, and got rejected from. I got to watch all my cousins make plans to hangout in front of me but I'm not invited because they think I'm too young and not fun enough. Doesn't matter that they were planning it with another kid who's only like seven months older than me and still years younger than them. I fucking miss not being the only one my age at family gatherings and the loneliness is made so much worse by the fact that five years ago I wasn't the only one and I miss him so much. My gift for my brother is lame and doesn't feel like a good gift. Both my siblings think I'm crazy and keep thinking I'm mad at them when I'm not and then yell at me for being mad at them before they let me talk. Three separate family members yelled at me in the last four hours about something they guessed I was gonna say next that was no where near what I was talking about. I don't have a youth group anymore and that was basically my entire life for three years. I feel horrible and I was so excited for Christmas and now I just feel like I'm going to waste it by feeling this way.

















