One of my funniest interactions with medical personnel was when I went for an ADHD assessment around 3 years on HRT, and the specialist said "Gender incongruence? So you want to be a man?"
There's straight up no such thing as an apolitical fandom space btw, there are participants in fandom who are privileged enough to not notice the politics, and there are people who, if they speak up about bad experiences in fandom, are Making It Political.
There's a choice being made when saying you want a space where people can escape from political issues and just have fun, which is between the following options:
Address the issues that prevent particularly vulnerable, marginalized people from joining the fun
Silence the ones who bring up the issues, contribute to the barriers that prevent them from participating in the fun, and squeeze them out of the space
There's a wrong choice here. It's made way too often by people who claim to be progressive.
“I’ve been reading up a lot on your culture and customs, Kyle!” Jeffrey chirps, like he’s thought of a completely novel way to try and make conversation with me. “The festivals, the poojas, the temple rituals, they’re all so beautiful and spiritually meaningful! You have such a beautiful history.”
“You know I’m Christian, right?”
I think rcbg and estro junkies is the first time i've really related to and understood. People in fandom going batshit over characters and doing the literary analysis, but uhm yeah I'm gnawing on wood or whatever the saying is. I think I get it. I just finished EJ and I wanna print it out and read it again with a pen highlighter and notepad and write a mediocre highschool rapport on it.
In a world where pundits were expected to be self-consistent, doing "trans people are just autistic and confused" and "autism isn't real" at the same time would really result in some loss of perceived legitimacy and like. Reduced access to a platform
okay so this is not my lane (am not Black) but i think we should show our Black trans siblings especially our Black trans sisters out here some extra care when they are dealing with the dysphoria worms, because *all* Black folks are already in the antiblackness mines fighting the degendering demons. Like you got cis Black women out here getting their gender deleted by antiblackness (Black female olympic athletes getting transvestigated, Black women being expected to perform femininity at a higher standard in order to be perceived as feminine at all, just like….the dehumanization of it all), trans Black women are in the fucking trenches my ducks.
Gonna be much fewer direct quotes than the last one and try to distil things down to the wider themes of the chapter. With the occasional bravo for witty prose
Pov 1 - The Nichole
I’m struggling to accept this isn’t a dream.
Everything is a twisted version of how it should be, like I stepped on a mirror and fell into a parallel dimension. After all the times I drafted texts, rehearsed short speeches, or even tried to resort to hints—I still haven’t had the guts to actually display any of the trans flag pins I ordered—it’s Daniel who ended up coming out to me.
This is what I mean when I say that Estro Junkies makes the characters more human. In the original opening chapter of RCBG The Serial, Nichole and Katherine are both just kinda generally oblivious about each other and don't really think much of each other. Katherine has joined a competition for cis men? Damn, yeah, that sounds like something she would do, why not. But in this, it's not blasé obliviousness, it's devastation and dissociation. The prologue really hammers home what a quagmire Nichole has been struggling through, barely interacting with the world around her, 3 in 1 body wash shampoo conditioner, not going to class, and then KATHERINE SAYS THIS?! Like, yeah, why would she think straight in this situation? How could anyone think straight in this situation? And it works both ways between them. Katherine, having seen Nichole wince with pain whenever trans issues are raised, would not feel safe to be honest here. And Nichole, who's a dissociated mess feeling unable to engage with anything trans related along with Katherine's repeated (albeit, very weak) attempts at dudebroifiction, would never see this coming and get absolutely discombobulated. Plus, there's a way to get hormones here? Like just like that? Of course her attention is going to beeline for that. Yeah, I don't think the common reaction of "omg just talk to each other" is going to fly here.
Daniel and I have known each other since primary school. The two of us were always by ourselves, quiet and shy and talking about things nobody else was interested in. After a while I learned when to shut up and stop bothering people, for the most part, but Daniel never got a clue. He earned a reputation for his tactlessness, his inability to recognise when his input wasn’t wanted, and his obliviousness to being messed with.
Also really good to establish this aspect of their relationship here. Nichole being marginally more self aware than Katherine, but not any less actually "cringe", knows Katherine is her only hope at having someone to share her interests with, but at the same time feels shame about it in a way that Katherine does not. I wonder how this will play out for both of them lol (((((((:
“Are you all serious?” I cover my mouth with both hands, eyes wide. “You all just kept this from me for how long, exactly?”
“Kept it from you?” Kyle cocks an eyebrow. “Brother, you never leave your room. We don’t talk enough for me to need to hide anything from you.”
“He does have a point, Nicholas.” Daniel says. “Nor are you particularly observant.”
“Thank you, best friend.” I’m about to tell him there wasn’t much for me to observe, when I suddenly get an idea. “Hey Kyle, can I score an invite link to the server?”
“Hm? Oh yeah, sure.”
Nichole you catty fucking bitch. And this is the thing right? It's understandable that she's mad as shit, she does not have a right to be, but it's understandable from her perspective of how things are going that if her roommates have been hiding the thing that she desperately needs for a fucking year now? Yeah, that's a thing to be mad about. That does not fucking warrant the transmisogynistic fucking snide little jab at Katherine's appearance though. And what for? Because it was pointed out that she's responsible for her own inaction? Fuck off. It's like the second Katherine became genuinely feminised in her mind the misogyny laser pointers knew exactly what to go for.
Taking photos of my maddeningly flat chest was harder than it should have been.
They want so many pictures, to such exacting specifications: different angles, different levels of close-up, harsh lighting without shadows. By the time I’m done thoroughly proving that my upper body does not possess even a hint of breast, I’m shaking and on the verge of tears.
But this is still so sympathetic! She's a real person here. The worst trans woman you know probably had to go through at least some kind of humiliation ritual in order to access care and she doesn't deserve it anymore than Nichole does here. I was reading through some bullshit study by the Stockholm gender clinic, in which they put patients in morph suits, took incredibly unflattering photos of their pre-hrt bodies, and then PHOTOSHOPPED THEM to be more masculine and feminine to show them back to them to rate. Knowing gender clinics around the world, it's possible that participation in this study was presented as being conditional on their care or as part of the process for their care, they do not give a fuck about ethics or data protection or informed consent. We are simply rats for them to fuck with, puzzles to solve.
This situation is so fucked. Daniel takes everything at face value. He’s going to keep begging me to not “inflict” the feminisation I’ve craved all my life upon myself, and I can’t even tell him why it won’t be a problem because then he’ll say the competition is for cis men only and get me kicked out!
This is really putting my tolerance of his histrionics to the test.
Couple things here lol, some of these paragraphs are so fucking efficient at story telling. Katherine takes everything at face value? Ok so maybe Nichole isn't quite as self-aware as she seemed, at least when it comes to something other than the risk of being cringe. When you think about it, there's actually something very transmedicalist at the heart of Katherine's concern for Nichole joining the competition. It's similar to having a trans woman for a friend, coming out to her, and she suddenly thinks you're part of the transgender trend and she must have social contagioned you. You could relate this to hiding the fact that you're non binary or a lesbian from a transmedicalist social group that has resources you need but will reject you if you don't display perfect trutrans behaviour. Also, histrionics? Really Nichole? Like I know we don't get much of their relationship before this but there's definitely a shift in the flavour of venom Nichole thinks once she's realised Katherine is feminized.
“I have been on this path for nearly a year, Nicholas! You underestimate my resilience.” Daniel gets off the bed, hovering by my shoulder like an overly loquacious gnat. “My voluptuousness may have come at great cost, but I am equipped to bear this massive, curvy burden to the finish line.”
I glance at Daniel’s chest. “Yeah, I’m sure you can carry those burdens just fine.”
This is honestly so fucking real it hurts. Doomerist trans girls really hate to see a bitch winning. Fine, we know from RCBG that Katherine's ranking does not reflect the image she has about herself but it's genuinely so fucking important that you take the wins in transition, that you enjoy the changes that happen regardless of how drastic or not because if you don't let yourself enjoy them they will be completely overwhelmed by the negativity. And Nichole can fuck all the way off trying to pop Katherine's bubble.
Heir of Breast replying to Nickname: Yo, new blood. Fem or boy?
Nickname replying to Heir of Breast: I beg your pardon?
Brisket Enjoyer: Oh, you have to weigh in on the blood feud that has split this fair server in twain for generations—aeons, even!
Heir of Breast: Seems like a pretty simple question to me.
Nickname: Okay but I just got here
Chesticle Connoisseur: Yeah and now you have to pledge allegiance to one of the great warring factions
Also so real. Even if you know you're trans, or if you just realised, and you enter the trans community for the first time, the expectation that is placed on you to know it all, to understand the deep lore, to have the correct opinions immediately is so fucking damaging lmao. There's no orientation, there's no immediately obvious literature, you just have to get on board and be correct without really understanding why. A good example of this is like, the word transsexual. You might know that transsexual is an outdated term that you shouldn't use, you might even know A reason why, but you might not know the actual history. You won't know the arguments for or against that actually took place, only that its bad because.
“Their disagreement stems from differing opinions on optimal RLC strategies, with both factions claiming superior mastery of the metagame.”
“What’s ‘RLC’?”
“Patience, my pupil!” Daniel raises a hand to silence me after I’ve already stopped talking. “‘RLC’, of course, stands for ‘real-life cover.’”
Daniel is not good at explaining things. “Right. Of course. And what that means is?..”
“One of the burdens of competitive mammogenesis is having to explain to your colleagues why you have suddenly sprouted jugs.” Daniel’s tone is matter-of-fact, as though he’s discussing sick notes or traffic delays. “So of course, we have to adopt a cover, in real life. Hence RLC-strats.”
This is another one of those ways the competition mirrors real life. Gender clinics used to require at least 2 years of RLE, real life experience, in which you were expected to live as a woman WITHOUT ANY TREATMENT. This is, of course, conversion therapy. Its goal is to make you feel so uncomfortable that you decide you simply cannot take it any more. There would also, of course, be bonus points for adherence to traditional gender roles. To wear women's jeans and t-shirts is to "follow the letter of the law, but not the spirit" as Dr James Barrett outlines in Transsexual and Other Disorders of Gender Identity.
“So what other option is there, then?” I ask.
Daniel raises himself up to his full height, which isn’t much, pursing his lips and looking insufferably smug. “Isn’t it obvious, my dear Nicholas? You come out as a trans girl.”
Complete silence falls up on us for ten painfully awkward seconds.
I say the only thing that feels safe for me to vocalise. “But I’m not a trans girl.”
They're so fucking stupid.
“Why, tribunals are one of the most important mechanics of this sport! You may have gathered that trans women occasionally try to invade and sully the sanctity of this sacred space.”
A short pause to regulate my breathing. “Yeah, I got that.”
“Tribunals are how we curb such anti-social practices. Anyone can call a tribunal against anyone else, provided they have sufficient evidence that said competitor is not really a man, but a deceptive trans woman seeking access to resources she’s not entitled to.”
Think fast. I need to sound like a guy who barely knows anything about trans women. “Yeah, I bet trans girls are really good at lying and tricking people.”
Daniel’s gaze snaps back down at me. He inhales sharply, staring at me slack-jawed. Eventually he closes his mouth, swallows loudly and nods. “Yes, um, of course. I believe that as well, based on all the lying trans women I’ve seen ejected from the server!”
They're SO fucking stupid.
I throw their video feeds up on my monitor, adjust the speaker volume, and roll my chair back for Daniel’s benefit. He settles down in my lap so we can watch together.
Just two, stupid fucking Bros, watching men's sport, sat in each others laps, platonically. Actually I don't think that's that far off from what Sportsball enjoyers do. I wouldn't know, i've never spoken to one.
Laura waves him off. “What matter? You’ve submitted a link I happily promote on my own socials. How damning.”
“Let the record reflect that the accused does not deny her authorship of these stories.”
Laura groans. “Sweetie, this isn’t a courtroom.”
I can’t stay silent anymore. I tap Daniel on the shoulder. “So, about Laura.”
When Daniel turns his head, his eyes are brimming with tears. “What about Laura?”
“So…” I hesitate to say he. “Laura is… a man?”
Again, like, what's actually so different about this from real life? What's the number one thing someone asks when they find out someone they thought was a cis woman is trans? That's right, "OH she's a man?!". There was one season of Celebrity Bear Gryll's Island where trans journalist Paris Lees was a participant, and she stupidly decided to reveal to the other "celebrities" that she was trans and you get to watch Eric Roberts, Julia Roberts brother, trip over himself as he tries to actively misgender her despite his instictual drive to gender her correctly. He's like "well Paris just revealed that she's a woma..I mean a man" and it's like this shit is s fucking made up.
Anyway, that's all for Pov 1. PoV 2 will return...tomorrow
You know those acting aus people make where the piece of media is a movie within the au and all the characters are acting playing the characters? And then they'll do like funny actor interactions?
We need one of these for RCBG where all the girls are played by older out trans women who are having a lot of fun pretending to be younger and closeted and repressed. Give me rupali's actress cracking up because Rashmi is making a stupid face during a serious take bloopers. Give me Katherine's actress making up crazy lies about the movie in the press circle Robert pattinson style. I wanna see Tahani and Laura's actress doing each other's makeup in the dressing room running their lines. I think it'd be fun
I feel like bigotry is so normalized that people will inadvertently say genuinely strange and awful things, and because these things don't go against the grain and they're phrased "politely" (and are usually -- but not always -- out of white mouths) you'll see..........basically no push back. It's treated as a joke, or something that should be glossed over. But then something is pointed out, and suddenly the pointer outer becomes treated as a sort of complicit aggressor in the situation for speaking out. The fact that you have to be God's most articulate orator who is ever polite and ever patient, the fact that you had to be the one to shoulder the burden of saying something at all instead of it being immediately rectified, the fact that the pattern repeats.....I don't know, it's the kind of shit that genuinely breaks the spirit a little bit. The prioritization of "politeness" but the "politeness" holds no kindness; the "politeness" centers certain people's feelings. The "rudeness" comes from a place of genuine righteousness, but it's treated as if it's more of a problem, because direct phrasing offends sensibilities. The way that you can never lose patience, especially if you are perceived as racialized -- hell, the way that when you are racialized, it is always on you to be the one who speaks up and explains. Why do I have to perform for you while you and your saltine flavored peers slobber at the table, reckless and unthinking, considering yourselves the ultra civilized and beneficent while I stand alone except for my fellow outcasts, forced to perfectly fold the napkins lest I be accused of being lesser, unstable, unkind? You people are throwing mash potatoes. I'm just stuck cleaning up the mess.
I'll need to probably write a post that untangles my thoughts and sections them off better, if I feel up to trying to disentangle my feelings better, later. But I think self-examination stays woefully lacking.
I got to speak to her at a panel she gave in my town and asked her well what can we do? If working within a system doesn't affect change, because an institution will protect itself first and foremost, and disrupting makes them close ranks harder or even actively work against you, is there a balance? Or does it become fruitless? And her answer was to do everything you can to find others that have been silenced. Because official processes that get things done "the right way" be they official complaints, going to HR, or even discord mod tickets, are all there to isolate you against the institution. It's back stage. People can't see it which means they can't stand with you.
So if you ever feel like "why do I have to be the one? Why is it me against the world?" The chances are you aren't the only one, someone else has been "dealt with through the proper channels" and felt silenced. And working together will not only make it easier on you all but make things harder to sweep under the rug
I guess I wish there was wisdom to be dispensed for in-the-moment type situations. (Probably there is; I just haven't googled it yet.)
Like, ime, it's not just "I went to [whoever is supposed to be moderating the space] and they were like 'uhhhhh sowwy'" it's also in the moment, there's this shift -- where the person calling out the aggression is suddenly made into the aggressor, because they're the only one who's responded to [insert bigotry, usually racism] with the proper amount of "what the fuck," and then all of a sudden because they broke the 'tone' they are swooped in on, and no one else says anything.
I feel like in a group situation, if more people were willing to -- I guess put it bluntly, be race traitors, at least a little bit -- then situations like these wouldn't go the way they do. If you can correct the culture in the moment, if you have enough people go, "yeah, what the fuck actually," you shift the culture of the space. It forces the situation to go differently, it teaches people that this shit won't be tolerated, and it protects the more marginalized people getting shafted.
Like...please for the love of God call people out in the moment for being heinous in a liberal racism (and liberal any bigotry way, but in particular racism) way, please don't wait for the people of color in the room to be the ones to say something first (when the people of color have been gaslight all their lives into immense amounts of self doubt), please be direct and forward and stand up. It's not just authority, though that's certainly part of it. It's also all the people who stand there and say nothing, or wait until the Pee Oh Cee coughs first. Which, the Pee Oh Cee has been taught all their life that they must immediately explain their existence in as tolerable way as possible, and that they must accept any treatment, even if it's genuinely dehumanizing, just because the other person is "nice" and not calling them slurs. Like, if someone else could shoulder the burden a little bit, that would be great, thanks.
I would like people to please stand up.
Yeah I feel you. I guess what I'm getting at is the inaction, the waiting for someone to step up first, can come from a place of having tried to stand up before and being shut down for it because they were on their own against a consensus. So when they see consensus yet again going in a particular direction they feel disempowered. And this goes for groups sharing demographics as well as between people from different demographics.
So one of the solutions proposed is having networks where people can go "are you fucking seeing this shit?" "Omg yes thank fuck I thought I was the only one" so they don't feel alone, they can't be gaslit, and the burden doesn't have to fall on one person to be the first. Things can be organised better with plans of attack, and strengthen their will to stand up knowing that others have their back. It's exactly to share that burden so you don't feel like you're the only one shouldering it. Not to be more polite, but more effective disruptors that can't be ignored and shut down
I feel like bigotry is so normalized that people will inadvertently say genuinely strange and awful things, and because these things don't go against the grain and they're phrased "politely" (and are usually -- but not always -- out of white mouths) you'll see..........basically no push back. It's treated as a joke, or something that should be glossed over. But then something is pointed out, and suddenly the pointer outer becomes treated as a sort of complicit aggressor in the situation for speaking out. The fact that you have to be God's most articulate orator who is ever polite and ever patient, the fact that you had to be the one to shoulder the burden of saying something at all instead of it being immediately rectified, the fact that the pattern repeats.....I don't know, it's the kind of shit that genuinely breaks the spirit a little bit. The prioritization of "politeness" but the "politeness" holds no kindness; the "politeness" centers certain people's feelings. The "rudeness" comes from a place of genuine righteousness, but it's treated as if it's more of a problem, because direct phrasing offends sensibilities. The way that you can never lose patience, especially if you are perceived as racialized -- hell, the way that when you are racialized, it is always on you to be the one who speaks up and explains. Why do I have to perform for you while you and your saltine flavored peers slobber at the table, reckless and unthinking, considering yourselves the ultra civilized and beneficent while I stand alone except for my fellow outcasts, forced to perfectly fold the napkins lest I be accused of being lesser, unstable, unkind? You people are throwing mash potatoes. I'm just stuck cleaning up the mess.
I'll need to probably write a post that untangles my thoughts and sections them off better, if I feel up to trying to disentangle my feelings better, later. But I think self-examination stays woefully lacking.
I got to speak to her at a panel she gave in my town and asked her well what can we do? If working within a system doesn't affect change, because an institution will protect itself first and foremost, and disrupting makes them close ranks harder or even actively work against you, is there a balance? Or does it become fruitless? And her answer was to do everything you can to find others that have been silenced. Because official processes that get things done "the right way" be they official complaints, going to HR, or even discord mod tickets, are all there to isolate you against the institution. It's back stage. People can't see it which means they can't stand with you.
So if you ever feel like "why do I have to be the one? Why is it me against the world?" The chances are you aren't the only one, someone else has been "dealt with through the proper channels" and felt silenced. And working together will not only make it easier on you all but make things harder to sweep under the rug
I feel like bigotry is so normalized that people will inadvertently say genuinely strange and awful things, and because these things don't go against the grain and they're phrased "politely" (and are usually -- but not always -- out of white mouths) you'll see..........basically no push back. It's treated as a joke, or something that should be glossed over. But then something is pointed out, and suddenly the pointer outer becomes treated as a sort of complicit aggressor in the situation for speaking out. The fact that you have to be God's most articulate orator who is ever polite and ever patient, the fact that you had to be the one to shoulder the burden of saying something at all instead of it being immediately rectified, the fact that the pattern repeats.....I don't know, it's the kind of shit that genuinely breaks the spirit a little bit. The prioritization of "politeness" but the "politeness" holds no kindness; the "politeness" centers certain people's feelings. The "rudeness" comes from a place of genuine righteousness, but it's treated as if it's more of a problem, because direct phrasing offends sensibilities. The way that you can never lose patience, especially if you are perceived as racialized -- hell, the way that when you are racialized, it is always on you to be the one who speaks up and explains. Why do I have to perform for you while you and your saltine flavored peers slobber at the table, reckless and unthinking, considering yourselves the ultra civilized and beneficent while I stand alone except for my fellow outcasts, forced to perfectly fold the napkins lest I be accused of being lesser, unstable, unkind? You people are throwing mash potatoes. I'm just stuck cleaning up the mess.
I'll need to probably write a post that untangles my thoughts and sections them off better, if I feel up to trying to disentangle my feelings better, later. But I think self-examination stays woefully lacking.
Been seeing some Estro Junkies livereads on bsky and the tunglr as of late and while I'm really happy the book is getting traction bc it's a wonderful piece of art....................................if i don't see you mention race at all in your liveread, or like, talking about rashmi (A MAIN POV CHARACTER), or acknowledge the struggles/complexities that rashmi, ru, tahani, and laura have to deal with in the book.....I think you may need to reread the book over again. Before you drop your hot takes.
The hit book Estro "racism is bad" Junkies has at least a few things to say about the way racialized women (especially twoc!) are treated, lol.
Consider picking the book up with Pride Month approaching! You'll get to experience a dizzying array of characters and genders that definitely don't collapse into messy lesbianism in the end
Got a bit of a fun little side project cooking. A more normal eggfic than rcbg, just as a bit of a writing experiment, you know? It's about a trans girl who's repressed, and then she meets a trans girl who isn't, and it leads to some gender stuff happening. Normal style! Downright conventional!
After having read both Estro Junkies and everything released so far on Ranked Competitive Breast Growth I feel I can say it's still better than Reddit.
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