Music Challenge Day 19 - A song that makes you think about life
The Reason I Wanted To Die - Original song by Mika Nakashima (Covered by DAZBEE)
It's probably odd to choose a song like this (with this kind of title) for a song that makes you think about life. But don't you think Life and Death go hand in hand? One cannot exist without the other. And that's just the truth of this world.
When I first heard this song, I remember crying. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder about six years ago. I took medication and went to therapy. But even now, all I could think of was death. Every waking moment of my life, there's a desire deep within me hoping I would never wake up. I spend my days in bleak moments, always dull and lifeless. Memories come and go (to the point where I couldn't even remember the things I did yesterday), but when nostalgia hits I become paralyzed as the past plays inside my mind, more vivid than ever. I remember the person I used to be and would always wonder how I ended up here. I would cry and hate myself even more, because I know that in the end, I only have myself to blame. And so, I end up wishing for death more.
And perhaps that's why this song resonated with me so much. The way they described their reasons as to why they wanted to die wasn't anout something massive that happened to them but rather how little things made them sad. Because when you're at that point in your life where all you could think of is death, every small sadness makes you hopeless. Everything that once made you feel alive, now sucks the life out of you and you realize you have fallen out of love with life.
But still, in the end you keep hoping that it would someday turn around. That perhaps the reason why you stay is that you're hoping to find that something or someone that would make you feel alive again —to feel that kindness and warmth you long so much.
And maybe then, you could have a little bit more hope for the world.
.....
"The reason I wanted to die, was that my shoelaces had come untied.
I was never really that good at re-tying them.
My relationships with others are same way, too.
The reason I wanted to die, was that a teenager was staring right at me.
And now I'm prostrated atop my bed, apologizing to my younger self."
