what are you willing to believe, amy?

private, selective amy sullivan from john dies at the end and this book is full of spiders: seriously, dude, don't touch it. please read rules before interacting. written by zoë, 22, she/her/hers.

[acucumbers-blog]

meatsmxll:

            “I’ve got some dress shoes, somewhere. But these were my only sneakers.” It had probably been a couple of years since I had last bought any shoes, they were never really a priority unless they had noticeable holes in them. Or in this case, shit. The dress shoes pinched, but they’d get me to the Footlocker. “At least I have shoes to wear to the store. Especially with all those pesky ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service’ rules.”

‘ you know, i’m pretty sure those exist for a reason. i mean, i’d go out barefoot if i could, but -- ’ but she has added reasons. namely that most shoes aren’t shaped well for the lingering ache around the rungs of her spine. she doesn’t want to talk about it, shrugs it off. ‘ you want me to go with you? ’ maybe she doesn’t entirely trust that david won’t get distracted. or, you know, come back with nothing.

[acucumbers-blog]

❛ Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended. ❜

amy blinks, taking a few too seconds too many to get it, and then – the belated heating of her cheeks kick in, a half-squeak muted by her hand until it drops.

‘ that was awful. ’ a beat. ‘ i think saying ‘no pun intended’ kind of defeats the purpose. ’

[acucumbers-blog]

❛ Christ, I am tired of being poor. ❜

‘ i know. ’

amy hums, making a faintly clumsy, unsteady approach on her knees toward where david sits on the edge of the bed ; her nose nudges under the hinge of his jaw, hand steadying at his hipbone.

‘ i have a job interview on friday -- it’s not gonna be much if it goes through, but we can add in to our savings at least. ’

MEME. // ACCEPTING.

[acucumbers-blog]

❛ Name a single time I’ve ever let you down. ❜

seriously? amy gnaws her lower lip a few seconds more, then exhales, relinquishing the point -- if only because that’s a desperately unfair question to ask. 

‘ okay, fine. we can go to the movie. but if you get mad at me for talking you’re buying me ice cream. ’

MEME. // ACCEPTING.

[acucumbers-blog]

paintingflcwcrs:

‘Shameless’ (US) Sentence Starters 

          WARNING: This meme, like the show, is very vulgar and most of it is NSFW mainly due to profanity.

❛ A shrink at school says I’m one of God’s mistakes. ❜ ❛ Ain’t you the queen of silver linings! ❜ ❛ All teenagers are sex addicts. ❜ ❛ Alright shithead, this is like the two hundredth time I’m calling and you not picking up. I’m starting to get fucking homicidal. Call me the fuck back. I’m worried about you. I love you. Call me back. ❜ ❛ Alright, you gotta get me out of this car. I’m getting too horned up. ❜ ❛ An accident? Where his penis just slipped into your vagina? ❜ ❛ Another word and I’ll blow your brains all over the fucking linoleum. ❜ ❛ Are you going to leave? ❜ ❛ Choose a gender and find someone who wants to fuck. Preferably for free. ❜ ❛ Christ, I am tired of being poor. ❜ ❛ Circle doesn’t start with ‘s’? What the fuck? ❜ ❛ Come here. Get in my forcefield. ❜ ❛ Did the two of us finish off an entire gallon of box wine the other night? ❜ ❛ Did you purposely order a Sex on the Beach so I’d say it to the gay bartender? ❜ ❛ Do whatever the fuck you need to do. I’ve got this. ❜ ❛ Does he get that look in his eye when he’s with you? ❜ ❛ Does she make you happy or is it just about the sex? ❜ ❛ Eat my ass! ❜ ❛ Everybody always leaves. ❜ ❛ Front door was locked so I came in the back. No pun intended. ❜ ❛ Happy is overrated. Grow up. ❜ ❛ I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is ‘fuck you.’ ❜ ❛ I did everything for you, but you’re so fucking blind! ❜ ❛ I did it all for you. You might even want to say thank you. ❜ ❛ I don’t get how you have a kid and not give a shit what happens to it. ❜ ❛ I don’t get it. Half of the world has penises, why do people get so upset about seeing them? ❜ ❛ I don’t give a fuck. I’m happy to knock your fucking teeth out. ❜ ❛ I don’t go onto Facebook, okay? ‘Cause I don’t give a shit about whose pet just died or who just checked in at the fucking McDonald’s. ❜ ❛ I don’t know how much more I can take of that before I stab him/her in the neck with a broken beer bottle. ❜ ❛ I don’t love you! ❜ ❛ I haven’t had a drink for two days… Well, granted, I was unconscious. ❜ ❛ I just came here for a fucking beer, alright? ❜ ❛ I know that shit, bitch! That’s a cat! ❜ ❛ I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things I’ve done and all 50 were when I was drunk. ❜ ❛ I never thought I’d say this, but you were right. ❜ ❛ I saw you smile. ❜ ❛ I think you deviated my septum! ❜ ❛ I thought it might be different this time. ❜ ❛ I trust you. That’s bigger to me than ‘I love you.’ ❜ ❛ I want you to take that shiv and jam it in his eye. ❜ ❛ I will make this kitchen my bitch. ❜ ❛ I would never leave you. Ever. You gotta know that. After everything we’ve been through, you kind just have to know that. ❜ ❛ If you’re gonna talk shit at least do it right. ❜ ❛ It smells worse than a dead hooker’s ass in there. ❜ ❛ It wouldn’t have happened without you. ❜ ❛ It’s a shame when someone you love gets taken away, isn’t it? ❜ ❛ It’s never about me and I’m finally making it about me! ❜ ❛ I’d be crying right now if I wasn’t so high. ❜ ❛ I’d trade my left nut for one more hour of sleep. ❜ ❛ I’m gonna beat your ass like a piñata until candy falls out! ❜ ❛ I’m not a tool, so you don’t get to treat me like one. ❜ ❛ I’m not homeless, I told you. I have a home, I’m just not welcome there. ❜ ❛ I’m not my dad. You hear me? I’m not my fucking dad! ❜ ❛ I’m probably biased, but you deserve better than him/her/them. ❜ ❛ I’m sick of living in your shadow! ❜ ❛ I’m taking care of me for a change, not him/her/them. ❜ ❛ I’m the only thing that passes for a responsible adult that you’re gonna find. ❜ ❛ Keep laughing or I will slit your throat in your sleep. ❜ ❛ Last message, promise. Wherever you are… Bye. ❜ ❛ Let’s be honest, he/she is my last chance at happiness and that’s more important than video games and masturbation, right? ❜ ❛ Let’s go get drunk and buy a gun. ❜ ❛ Look at me, I can’t go to jail! I might as well wear heels. ❜ ❛ Men are never right. That’s why women were invented, to think for you assholes. ❜ ❛ Name a single time I’ve ever let you down. ❜ ❛ Next time, I’m gonna break both of your fucking knee caps, ‘kay? ❜ ❛ No one gives a shit who you bang. ❜ ❛ No one likes to hear a grown man whine. It’s like the verbal equivalent of a dude wearing UGGs. ❜ ❛ No one’s ever been as good to me as you have. ❜ ❛ No, no, no, no, no, no. The bat is for killing, not for taking to school. ❜ ❛ Not everybody just gets to blurt out how they fuckin’ feel every minute. ❜ ❛ Not to be a dick or anything, but you have been kind of a whore. ❜ ❛ Oh shit, I’m sorry. You know I would’ve never said that to your face. ❜ ❛ Oh, don’t mind me. I accidentally took three of my pills instead of one. ❜ ❛ One of my unspoken rules is you don’t fuck somebody else when we’re on a date. ❜ ❛ People fuck up. That’s life. ❜ ❛ People like us, we can be happy. ❜ ❛ Random destruction makes you think of me? ❜ ❛ Really? That’s all you’re gonna say? ❜ ❛ See that? They’re digging your grave. And you wanna be gone before they get that to six feet. ❜ ❛ Seriously, I don’t mean to be an asshole. It’s just genetic. ❜ ❛ Should I apologize or leave? …I’m gonna leave. ❜ ❛ Show of hands, how many of you, at one point or another, wanted to see me dead? ❜ ❛ Some girls are just jerks. ❜ ❛ Stop acting like the world is out to get you when it’s so clearly dropping gifts at your feet. ❜ ❛ Stuff just happens sometimes. ❜ ❛ The best part of making a baby is that you get to have sex while doing it. ❜ ❛ The first rule you hide in this house: You hide the goddamn money! ❜ ❛ The only way to make money when you’re poor is to steal it or scam it. ❜ ❛ We both know my only options are getting pregnant or getting arrested. ❜ ❛ Well, he may look like he’s in a boy band, but he’s got a point. ❜ ❛ Well, if you need me I’ll be across the street in the bushes, stalking you. ❜ ❛ What are you hoping, I tell you not to go? ❜ ❛ What the fuck are you looking at? ❜ ❛ What you and I have makes me free. Not what these assholes know. ❜ ❛ Whatever. Liking what I like don’t make me a bitch. ❜ ❛ When she/he/they say ‘fuck you’ it means ‘I love you.’ ❜ ❛ When you focus on other people’s problems, it’s a lot easier to ignore your own. ❜ ❛ Where can I get knives and blunts? ❜ ❛ Why would anyone go to the zoo sober? ❜ ❛ Will you? Wait? Fucking lie to me if you have to. ❜ ❛ Yeah, it gives me more time to buy drugs and fence stolen goods. ❜ ❛ You can’t own a motto! ❜ ❛ You could do things with your tongue that would make a rattlesnake blush. ❜ ❛ You deserve to get out, even if you don’t take me with you. ❜ ❛ You did okay. You tried. It’s a lot more than most people would do. ❜ ❛ You don’t love me. ❜ ❛ You have made me happy. I’ve never been very happy. ❜ ❛ You have to let me go. You have to let me let you go. I need you to do that for me. ❜ ❛ You know that jagermeister really makes you chatty, right? ❜ ❛ You know what? Nothing’s ever your problem. Make it your problem! ❜ ❛ You know where I live if you have a problem. ❜ ❛ You know, having a Russian sex worker isn’t ideal for child care. ❜ ❛ You say that again and I’ll rip your tongue out of your head. ❜ ❛ You take care of everyone, but no one takes care of you. ❜ ❛ You think you scare me? Bring it, bitch. ❜ ❛ You want to get shit faced in the middle of the day? Vodka’s best. Believe me.  ❜ ❛ Your coochie smells like brimstone and Sulfur. ❜ ❛ You’re a loud, mean, vicious bitch. ❜ ❛ You’re better than anyone I’ve ever met and you deserve to get out. ❜ ❛ You’re kind of growing on me. ❜ ❛ You’re not lost. You don’t need finding. ❜ ❛ You’re nothing like anyone I’ve ever met. You make me want to enjoy my life again. ❜ ❛ ______ doesn’t have any friends. Only people he/she/they haven’t pissed off yet. ❜

[acucumbers-blog]

david.

@acucumbers liked for a starter

           “Molly shat in my shoe.” It wasn’t a complaint, more of a statement–acknowledgement that this particular pair of shoes would never be the same. If I ever wore them at all, that was. “Maybe it’s a sign I should get new shoes?”

‘ that -- ’ amy blinks, twice ; if she’s honest with herself, that seems a pretty impressive manoeuvre. on the other hand, molly’s done weirder things, and it doesn’t entirely seem like it’d be a welcome comment. ‘ yeah, david. you should probably get new shoes. ’ a pause. not that amy’s wardrobe is especially full, either, but -- ‘ you really only have one pair? ’

[acucumbers-blog]

meatsmxll:

@acucumbers

               “What if we…took a vacation?” It was almost needless to point out how badly I wanted to leave [ UNDISCLOSED ], how badly I wanted all of us to leave–and not necessarily just on a trip either. Just because I couldn’t outrun Them, or any other part of my past, didn’t mean I had to stay here. There had to be other options. And here I was, laying them out on a platter. “Or go on a roadtrip? I know the car isn’t great, but I could invest in one of those Tempurpedic bed covers and we could stay in motels for a while. Go to the Grand Canyon, or Glamp, or whatever you want.”

amy’s brow furrows, just a little, laptop folded halfway down to give the question her undivided attention -- sue her if she’s wrong ( not that she’d have much money to settle on ), but it seems an awful lot to her like it’s not just a romantic getaway david is after. little tells of decipherable agitation in his voice, in his bearing, lead amy’s right hand to graze fingertips down david’s forearm, slipping against his palm to interweave their fingers. the furrow vanishes from her brow within seconds, but she doesn’t quite smile right away, either. ( she wonders if he’s already asked john, or if he thought to ask her first and john second -- it doesn’t matter to her, much, either way. she understands that john is equally important to david, and, for that, he’s important to her, too. )

‘ i’d like that. ’ a slight squeeze of her hand, gentle pressure, unspoken affirmation ( unspoken hey, wherever you wanna go, i’m with you ). ‘ i can switch over to correspondence courses, study from the road. or just take a break. i’ve never been to the grand canyon. we were going to -- ’

we. her and jim. amy shakes her head, once, makes herself reach for a brave-girl smile.

‘ when do you want to go? -- do you want to ask john, too? ’

[acucumbers-blog]

Amy: I mean, they were extremely common until just recently - historically recently, not recently like "metrosexual is a word now" recently, but recently.

Marconi: Are we still talking about anvils?

Amy: Yes, where did all the anvils go?

Marconi: You're talking about those big, heavy, metal things?

Amy: That blacksmiths hammered horseshoes and stuff on. Everyone had them. They were featured prominently in every movie western, so where did they all go?

Dave: I don't know that they were that common.

Amy: Wile E. Coyote used them. That's how common they were.

Marconi: Who?

Amy: The cartoon. He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head or shoot it at him out of a giant slingshot or fire it at him out of a cannon. Inevitably, the cannon tilted up, shot it in the air, it fell down, and made an anvil-shaped impression on Wile E. Coyote's head.

Marconi: This is a cartoon?

Amy: No, no, this just happened to me the other day. I was walking down the street, and this giant anvil - yes, doctor, it's a cartoon.

John: I know she sounds nuts, but it's a very common cartoon.

Dave: But that doesn't prove that anvils were so common.

Amy: It does. It proves that anvils were so ubiquitous at one point - is that the word, ubiquitous?

John: It depends on where you're going.

Amy: That they knew that children would know what they were and delight in them. That's how common they were - children watching cartoons.

John: That was the word.

Dave: I've forgotten your point.

Amy: Where are all the anvils? I mean, is there some sort of secret anvil storage facility the government is keeping from us?

Dave: Or they fell into disuse with the advent of other technologies, and so they melted them down and they're gone.

Amy: But they're not supposed to melt! They were made to withstand the red-hot hammer of the town blacksmith.

Marconi: This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had.

[acucumbers-blog]

meatsmxll:

                   At the mention of masochism, I felt myself recoil a bit–internally, and externally. Simultaneously, all of the blood that had been in the upper half of my body seemed to fall into my feet, and I felt invisible hands scratching and tugging on me. I could swear I could smell the unforgettable stench of mildew and sweat–hear the grunts and taunting laughs in my head. So did I like that? No. Not particularly.

                    “—-I-I think I’m too vanilla for that kinda stuff. That’s more John’s kinda shtick.” I force on a half smile, and wrap an arm around Amy, pulling her back to my side. I just wanted the memories to fade, I wanted to be here and now and not stuck thinking about that.

       there are some things amy may never fully, completely know about david. she’s done her best to accept that -- she never wants to make him feel forced to tell her anything he’s not ready to divulge. but the change in tone, even with david’s smile, is practically a foghorn neon sign affair, and she feels the furrow sink into her brow, even tucked under david’s arm as she is. concern sits heavy and bristled in her chest, and she shifts up just enough to press a light, chaste kiss to his jawline before nestling her head into the space between his chin and shoulder.

                     ‘ it’s not really my thing either. i dunno if i could really do that to someone i care about, even if they said it was okay. ’ her voice is quiet ; not with discomfort, just gentle. they never have to do anything he doesn’t want to, and she doesn’t want him to feel like there are any wrong answers -- there aren’t. she only thought she’d ask. ‘ i just figured, you know. if there ever was anything different you wanted to try, i’d like to talk about it. i want ... things to be good, for you. so. ’ and she’s blushing. perfect. ‘ that sounded a lot more competent and sexy in my head. ’

[goodishmusic]

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cake by the ocean | dnce

[acucumbers-blog]

jxcheese:

A faint smile pulls at his lips. Despite the dynamic change, he can’t help but like Amy. He gets his buddy’s interest, but he’ll just have to get used to her being around. Hopefully, she won’t be another case of Jennifer Lopez where Dave just stops seeing him as much, stop wanting to hang out, stops wanting to deal with the haunted bullshit around them. That’d hurt much more than he let on. He’s much closer to Dave than he is his own brother. 

“Hell, I don’t blame you. Who wants to stay here all day?” Granted, Dave’s place does look a little less like an atomic bomb went off. Either she’s been prompting him to clean a little more or she’s been helping out.  Either way, the place looks habitable.  “There’s apparently some hot yoga class my girlfriend’s doing. Or something like that. Maybe you two could do that together?” He’ll offer at least.

amy opens her mouth about to say something in defence of the place -- it’s not as tidy as it could or should be, sure, but it’s theirs, hers and david’s, and the mess is part of them, too -- but she realises there’s not much she can say without coming off more gross and sentimental than john signed on for, and so, she just shrugs, gives a little rueful smile.

‘ touché. ’

the rest, though ... that’s not as simply handled, and she feels her cheeks warm. perfect.

‘ oh, i dunno. i mean, maybe. i don’t really know if that’d be my thing. ’ she’s pretty sure classes like that are made for girls (and guys) very different from her. and that’s not even getting into how much her big flaming nerd self would stand out, or into the myriad problems arising from a bunch of flexible, limber girls covered in sweat and not enough clothes -- no thanks. (at least, she thinks it’s a no thanks. isn’t it?) ‘ never really got into the whole, athletics thing. ’

[acucumbers-blog]

meatsmxll:

        “Yeah, that’s the point. Like–masochistic, masticate? You’re masochistically masturbating.” I waggled my eyebrows suggestively at Amy and nudged her playfully with my elbow.

          “Teeth is only bad if you’re not ready for some hardcore masticating.”

‘ david -- ! ’

okay. she takes that back. not that bold. a giggle (three parts amused, one part startled) bubbles up from inside her chest, cheeks flushing bright, forehead nudging back into david’s shoulder before she draws back. amy sobers, then, a genuine, more curious look entering her gaze, smile fading into a patient attentiveness.

‘ -- ... being serious, though. is that -- ? i mean, not the teeth thing. but -- the masochism thing. is that something you like? ’

[meatsmxll]

' i really wanna kiss you now. '

               I didn’t need anything more instruction than that to know that it was time to lean in, my hands reaching up, brushing hair to the side. Fingers tracing her jawline as I press into her. And then, all at once, I pull back and look her dead in the eyes, “Like that?”

[acucumbers-blog]

@meatsmxll | continued from x

‘ i mean -- sure. but violently sounds pretty painful. ’

it’s a hazarded guess. admittedly. still, she’s gotten a good deal bolder about talking about all this since getting involved with david, and so, casually, barely fazed :

‘ plus, involving teeth is generally a bad idea. ’

[acucumbers-blog]

✧

I would kill you. ✧ I would physically hurt you. ✧ I would attack you unprovoked. ✧ I would manipulate you. ✧ I dislike you. ✧ You annoy me. ✧ You scare me. ✧ You intimidate me. ✧ I hope I intimidate you. ✧ I pity you. ✧ You disgust me. ✧ I hate you. ✧ I’m indifferent toward you. ✧ I’d like to get to know you better. ✧   I’d like to spend more time with you. ✧ I’d like to be friends with you. ✧  I’m unsure what to think of you. ✧ I’m unsure how I feel about you. ✧ You are my friend. ✧ You are my best friend. ✧ You are my mentor. ✧ I look up to you. ✧ I respect you. ✧ You are my hero. ✧ You inspire me. ✧ You are my enemy. ✧ You make me happy. ✧ I want to protect you. ✧ I would fight by your side. ✧ I consider you an equal. ✧ I think you are beneath me. ✧ I think you are above me. ✧ I would lie for you. ✧ I would lie to you. ✧ I would sleep with you. ✧ I would sleep by your side. ✧ I would hug you. ✧ I would kiss you. ✧ You are family to me. ✧ I would die for you. ✧ I would kill for you. ✧ I would trust you with my life. ✧ I would trust you with my most precious belonging. ✧ I would trust you with a secret. ✧ I would trust you with my biggest / darkest secret. ✧ I love you (platonically). ✧ I love you (romantically).

[acucumbers-blog]

meatsmxll:

@acucumbers

              “Uh, are you–are you coming to the show tonight? I could…give you a lift or something. If you are.” I looked at Amy and I could feel my nuts lodge themselves up into my stomach. I was more afraid of talking to a girl I knew liked me than I was of almost anything else. Almost. I didn’t know what it was that was so scary–she had fallen asleep on me before, we already shared a pet. Though, I think I was more Molly’s pet than she was mine. Either way, I shouldn’t have felt this nauseous when I stared into her magnified, shining green eyes. “Or, I could…take you somewhere, if you want?”

‘ do you want me to come? ’

it’s a silly thing to be nervous about asking, amy knows. it should be a much easier question than do you want to get engaged? -- but she’d be lying if she said that wasn’t half-asked when her system was flooded with a dangerous mix of adrenaline and fear. not that she regrets having asked, or means it any less, but she’s pretty sure normal people date first and get engaged after.

then again, normal people don’t get wrapped up in trying to save the world.

one hand tugs at the ends of her hair anyway, restless, bright green eyes too-hopeful through her glasses. she doesn’t really mind what they do, really, so long as they’re together, and she’s pretty sure that’s pathetic.

‘ it’s up to you. i’m happy with whatever. ’

(listen, she never claimed she was cool, or any good at any of this.)

[acucumbers-blog]

❛ i need something that is more than coffee, but less than cocaine ❜

‘ honey, what you need is to get some rest. ’

she doesn’t say sleep -- amy knows that’s not so easily come by. but it’s still pretty clear what she means, given that the words are mumbled indistinctly from under several layers of blankets and a veil of sleep-tousled hair. her good hand reaches out, pats the empty side of the mattress uselessly, too far away to grasp david’s wrist and tug him closer.

‘ c’mere. ‘m cold. ’

POPULAR TEXT POSTS. // ACCEPTING.