My heart is turning into poetry

[acyllus]

It's raining. I hope the world collapses a little. I could need it.

[acyllus]

Bad luck tries to follow me but I am very thorough. I see its patterns, I learned to avoid it. I beat it by having plan A, B, C and D. I may be clumsy but at least I am alive

[acyllus]

Don't ever have kids, mommy says. I ask her if she regrets having me. She tells me I don't regret it, I love you. One is a lie.

[acyllus]

as a child I thought: no, this isn't sorrow.

sorrow must be deeper. its described so much worse than what I am feeling. these people suffer, but I haven't reached that state. surely they have it worse than me. because its pulling them apart while I'm still together. i am just a poser, a fake. my pain doesn't matter that much. it hurts, but it is bearable.

now I have grown up to know: this was sorrow; i suffered terribly.

[acyllus]

But, well, I am a poet.

History says we're not supposed to be happy.

[trashandwriting]

I lay next to a soul I say I love and choke on my thoughts at 3. As soon as the sun rises its fine. Darkness took me. 15 year old me said she is my friend but she tricked me. I fight a society, I am tired. I am 20. Sometimes I write and people like it. I glue poems to my walls, it's a cry for help. Nobody reads them. People make me dinner and do me favours and still I don't feel loved. Who turned all this happiness into spite when I was 12. It was mean, it took everything. I used to love me very loudly.

[acyllus]

I used to love me very loudly.

People said it's rude.

I stopped. I was 14.

[trashandwriting]

You are like the sun; I don't like the sun. I hide from her when she's strong. She gives me headaches. I enjoy the days when she's not present, even though everybody thinks different: They ask me why I don't like her, and I watch them get wrinkles and burns. I watch them enjoy her presence while I hide in the shadows and she tries to reach me; she keeps me awake at night on hot summer days.

And I made my life winter to stay away from you. I sleep well in the dark, I drink tea to forget your cold absence, and when I need light, I look at the stars. I read books with my flashlight and light candles so I won't need you. Everybody loves you and I am sick of that, they say I have an illness and that's fine, and I hope my pale skin disgusts you and my cold fingers will never be warmed by you again.

[acyllus]

I don't want your body.

I want your soul.

I want to make you coffee in the morning, brewed with patience and love. I want to see you dancing in a field full of flowers. I want to watch you reading a book you love. I wanna bake you a cake and make you a painting for your birthday. I want to see you cry and weep and scream when you're angry at the world, I want to to calm down in my arms after that. I want to play in the snow with you. I want you.

All those articles say love is about sex. They say it doesn't work without it, it's depending on it. They say how you have sex is how you love each other. The people scream at you: it's not working in any other way, you should just live with that, you need to accept that it's part of your humanity, they tell you yes its gross and it has to be.

You shiver a little. You burn these words. Sex sex sex. I burn them too.

I love your soul. I make you a tea. You make me a coffee. We watch the sunset.

[acyllus]

I am lonely but I don't want to see anyone and I am going to starve myself but I am so hungry and I eat so much but nothing makes me feel full and I drink peppermint tea and cut myself in the finger while cooking and I hug the stuffed animal my father gave me for Christmas while talking to my therapist crying and I fixed my toilet all by myself and I can't write that to mom because I can't tell her I have a depressive episode, who's gonna save me I cry into heaven as a challenge, I dare you to try to save me

[trashandwriting]

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't write back yesterday, I was having a crisis over my mere existence. But today its better, how can I help you?

[trashandwriting]

Hey, I'm sorry I didn't write back yesterday, I was having a crisis over my mere existence. But today its better, how can I help you?

[acyllus]

In all those water you drowned in

Did you taste the liquid that killed you?

Or did you just had that image in your mind

Of those who pushed you into it

~ Its gold, don't swallow

[acyllus]

In all those water you drowned in

Did you taste the liquid that killed you?

Or did you just had that image in your mind

Of those who pushed you into it

~ Its gold, don't swallow

[acyllus]

[acyllus]

"You got a lot of corpses laying around", the stranger said.

I looked around. I was alone. He was right.

"You should burn them", he recommended.

"No", I responded. "I still love them."

[acyllus]

Sometimes I miss her

But that's the end of this story

I wrote thousands of poems

She won't read