A Debt Sentence

or how I learned to be an adult at 28

[maryblewberrii]

Bruh the struggle was real even for cartoon supervillain ducks from the 1990s

[adebtsentence]

What do I give a f*ck about?

“Maturity is what happens when one learns to only give a fuck about what’s truly fuckworthy.” ― Mark Manson, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

Personally, I believe that, when you give a fuck about everything, you’re not going to be happy. I have met so many people in my life where the most minor things were the biggest deals. I’ve seen people throw an entire cup of coca-cola at a waitress because it wasn’t diet. I have been cursed out over an appointment time not being available. I have watched people break up because the other person gained five pounds. 

Why? 

It’s for the same reason you see somebody yelling because someone took their parking spot. They give a fuck about so much that, when something goes wrong, its a big deal to them. It’s exhausting to care about that much to the degree it takes to actually get angry. When everything matters, what matters most? 

I think that applies to possessions as well. I bought into the whole college degree, big house, new car, brand name...When I had the money for it, it felt great. I felt important; like I was somehow living the part like all my coworkers. This was a fantastic feeling for a girl who came from the trailer park. When the money started drying up, I had to stop and rethink what actually mattered to me.

What was worth spending money on?

Did my weekly manicure matter as much as my monthly designer bag? Did the designer bag matter as much as my fancy lunch breaks? Did my fancy lunches mean as much as having groceries in my house?

I’m in that process now; figuring out what matters and how much it matters. My financial independence depends on it.

[adebtsentence]

The first hopeful step

I didn’t get a chance to write a post yesterday (life got in the way) but I’ll make up for that with two today.

The first hopeful step towards getting rid of my debt and being financially stable happened yesterday in three ways:

1) I talked about it.

Seems like a bogus first step but, when you share a life with another person, it’s exceptionally important you’re on the same page. If only one of you are working towards not being broke as hell, the other is going to keep tripping you up. We discussed our money issues but ended on a hopeful note: we can do something about it together.

2) I made a plan.

Admittedly, the plan is a little bit shit. It seems so easy that it seems too easy. I took every single one of our bills and listed it from the smallest amount to the largest. I plan on using a snowball plan of paying a small bill off, moving to the next, and then moving to the next to gain momentum. 

I also started writing up my grocery list. I eat out one day a week at minimum. That stops. I wanted a clear-cut meal plan. I wont buy more groceries than I can eat in a week. No more throwing away cauliflower because I had planned on making something before it went bad but never got around to it. Each meal I make needs just enough so that I can have enough for lunch the following day but not so much that I’m eating on it for days. I get burnt out on eating the same food every day. I end up tossing leftovers rather than deal with it.

I made a conscious decision that my savings gets paid before I do. I have a bad habit of seeing my savings as my money. I’ll withdraw from it in a heartbeat if there is a good sale. But that savings isn’t mine and I need to realize it. It doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to my car when it breaks down or my dishwasher when it floods. It belongs to my air conditioner when it stops working on a record summer. 

3) I began the search for resources.

I admit, I don’t know shit about money. If I did, I sure as well wouldn’t be in a predicament of having three dollars to my name and a ten dollar savings account. I need resources to help and I needed those resources to be free. A lot of companies want to make money on teaching you how to handle your money. That’s fine, you’re paying for a service and that makes sense. They’re getting paid for their time and experience and I have no fault in that. But I don’t have money to pay. I don’t have money for a fucking juice at the gas station much less for someone to tell me how to not be broke again. There are tons of free resources out there and I began the search for what I would have access to and what would best fit my needs. I’ll write more on what I found once I can give a solid review.

[adebtsentence]

I've watched so much crash I'm not even aware of the debris

Have you ever actually been in the eye of a storm? It's a really strange feeling. It's like hell and chaos just sorta decided to take a breather for a couple of seconds. You could almost believe that you just saw it all come to an end. It's over. Everything will be okay now.

You could believe it if it wasn't for the air feeling different. It's almost a static feeling. It has a taste. It could sweep you away in a matter of seconds if the right gust hits.

And then hell and chaos are done with their breather and it all picks up again. You know when it's over; you feel a relief.

Metaphorically speaking, I haven't felt that relief in so long I can't remember when it last happened. I have this tendency of believing it's over when it isn't. I just sorta made a life in that eye and forgot this isn't ideal.

I'm about to turn 29. I have no savings, less than a dollar in my checking account, and no idea how to live any other way than how I have. I did everything I was supposed to. I went to college only to come out of it during the exact year degrees stopped guaranteeing you work. I worked hard only to be taken advantage of by employers. I was the poster child of pleasant nature only to land a job where I'm screamed at by customers.

I spent every dime I saved on bills and student loans and dreams because 'soon I'll get that raise,' and it never came.

And now, a breath away from nothing, I realize I'm gonna be thirty so very soon and I have no fucking idea what I'm doing. I thought I did. Obviously I was wrong.