quie-rez? @adhesivedildos - Tumblr Blog

Posts

i would like to be held now. perhaps get stoned with someone i love and who loves me and laugh so uncontrolably that we get cramps while watching some anime or dumb youtube video and then we'll eat cheese and grapes and fall asleep with our foreheads touching and for a moment, the world wont be ending, not tonight, not in this room, not ours.

idk kid :/ must of been some kinda fucked up monster man

uh oh! im percolating!

i think something happened with me. to me? in me?

being alive is literally. just. problem and solution. everything else is extra filler we project to complicate things. its never that complicated. as long as the sides of the relation can agree on the problem, and agree on the solution, you're good. whether the relation to self, another, multiples, etc. but we spend most of our energy zoomed in applying topical treatments to scapegoats we pretend are the problem, and i do mean pretend. if we werent so god damn scared of the truth we' would spend less time on these details.

and now i just dont care very much anymore. i will extend my efforts to that which extends back and meets me there. I cannot waste time caring about things outside of my control, which like, we've all been reading and saying forever, but i actually feel that way now. i actually believe that.

i think. i have broke. i do not like being miserable, i like waking up early and uplifting all the people around me and nature and dumb youtube videos and city planning and all sorts of art and love letters. ive never hurt anyone on purpose. only once, hope that one day. i try to be sorry and apologetic without being pathetic or self flagelating. i have a lot of issues. i feel like a kid a lot. there are things that cause me great distress and pain ive confided in people i trust. how can i not feel like its become a checklist to inflict on me for fun. i dont know. i say it hurts but people treat me like im already dead. i think for some reason if i tell someone it hurts that theyl stop, or maybe say sorry, or tell me they dont mean to. maybe it is just much easier to reduce and generalize me to a very shitty person who deserves this sort of thing. but im not. im a human being and ive spent all this time since late november trying to get it together for the sake of my loved ones, and now for myself. and its like, only once i start being present, and fully transparent, and as cautious as i can be is when it comes down on me. like im being tested to see how far my new regulation skills can go. i would never do any of this to anyone else. i never really even talked shit about the people who hurt me and were proud of it. i try to understand them too. let alone someone ive loved. if i speak, if i react, im crazy. im proving im awful.

i dont feel safe anymore. not at home. not going out. my job is horrible. i shake and get dizzy at work because i cant eat. ive lost twenty something pounds because i cant. i cant sleep. i come home and feel haunted. i try to meditate but i just hear sex. and it hurts so bad. i have no money. i quit drugs, and i started again because i just cant do it. i dont enjoy it. im sick of surviving. im sick of looking so sad. my eyes burn. ive sobbed multiple times a day almost every day for 11 weeks. my sinuses are fucked. im not good at being alone but i have to. i try to love myself everyday. i just wanted the show to be okay. the last one of an era that was my coming of age. i just wanted that. and now im being threatened. i dont want to be a victim. i just want to be a person who struggles too much to have healthy relationships, that in of itself is punishment enough for me. i quit hrt again. i feel locked inside.

ive felt like ive hit rock bottom so many times. ive felt like i cant feel any worse so many times. ive hit the limit of my pain over and over every week it feels like and im choosing to keep feeling and feeling. i felt so sick and afraid of being forgotten. of being abandon. all i want now is for everyone to forget i ever existed. i dont want to be known or seen. i just want to sit here quietly and try to live. i believe it will get better. i just have to get there.

Unfortunately, being the photographer friend means I'm left with over a thousand images of people ive loved whose memory now only brings a bitter taste. I adore capturing the people i love. To give them a representation of the light i see radiating off of them. copies of moments we can remember as we drudge along writing our own intertwined history. a concequence of trying so hard to document the godliness i see in others is that my favorite pieces end up being of people i want to forget.

#night photography #nb

#mtf

a long long time ago i was ruled by a dictative impulse. My solace was absorbing my identity into another soul to serve. my solace was screaming folk punk songs on a playground at 3 in the morning accompanied by tall boys of Modelo. My purpose was giving blood to a god that never existed. & the god was me. waiting to be discovered and tended to like a wounded child. That child grew, and it yearns and serves itself through others dignified. There is no longer room for pity with a centered sense of self like this.

If you still exist in a suspended past moment, be kind to yourself Dylan. Be safe, and trust your stomach. You'll be okay.

#rzn #rsn #dln

#temu #rsn

kinda sucks that the people who want to hurt me are 3 men twice my size (1 of which whos literally killed people) who have never spoken to me

also sucks that im gonna get bloodied for being an alcoholic child sex predator when i have little interest in sex, alcohol, and especially not minors.

#rzn

pick up. (you)

discard. (the scatter)

proceed. (stretch)

movement. 1/2 of Life.

Follow their advice. (yours)

And touch back what you crave.

We've been over this free will talk before. We've been over attachment before, and we will go over it until we can teach it to all the people we love and hopefully some we hate. But I know I'm no longer a performance of an organism, and that's a lesson I wont repeat. So center. The words of craving popped in after hours of muted despair. "I want to feel like me again", and so you've found yourself here typing it out knowing you're on the other side of this "post now" button waiting to embrace your humanity with worms on strings for arms you dumby.

And I am. I'l go back to designing posters and checking my desires now.

#rzn

estrogen has gone to my thighs and ass

i feel alive and excited to be so again. idunno. i lost myself for some months. binging drugs, not being ok again. tricking myself into believing i was evil, and that i was simply unmasking a layer of reality into a more true, morbid one. but i was a scared fuckin idiot. and it feels like i was inches away from losing everything important.

i get to wake up every day. i get to wake up, before noon, and /want/ to feed myself. want to be close to my friends and my lover. be close to myself and im so incredibly thankful for it all. i weigh the most i ever had, i look beautiful in my reflections, im coming off the meds that have been submerging a lot of my inner world. i just. suddenly remember that its supposed to be good. im supposed to look after this skin, and share it with love, and go out and scream at cops and feed people on the sidewalk in exchange for good stories and advice. and i dont need to prove it to anybody. but i always want to remind myself.

we choose to live and its a wonderfully terrible choice to make. but theres no inbetween we can settle for.

#rzn

argo my stomach hasn't felt the same since you messaged me 7 weeks ago.

ive been crying harder and more often than ever in my life, i dont know if its the estrogen i dont know if- i think i just value my life for once. I was just sitting there, and it all hit me. Every grief ive held onto, every bad thing that's happened to me, it occurred to me in one momentous moment of processing that it'd happened to a real human being that I loved, and that that human being is me. i have a job to stay alive for myself and the people who love me.

for the first time i fear death, and sometimes throughout the day and im standing there, the sun in my face, the air apparent around my skin. i feel raw and terrified. an existential dysphoria that i exist at all in a body, and it feels s*xually violating, as if god is groping me by the soul.

but i yearn again. i yearn to yearn at all. and i long for something comfortable, an impossible place where i can reside while time stands still.

I browse the discord servers im not active in, and i feel love for people and am adorned by their passion.

#rz #.

heres your' nude.

#rzn #glitch

something awful has occured.

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

quie-rez?