[text]: NO! That was a typo
[text]:Â I think Iâm a mermaid
[text]:Â I know itâs 3am, but come over and cook for me.
[text]:Â Too lazy to booty call, so have this text instead
[text]: Need to bury a body, itâs urgent.
[text]:Â Are you sure thereâs no monsters?
[text]: It was an accident.
[text]: lol fuk da police
[text]:Â send me a picture and iâll be home quicker ;)
[text]:Â DO NOT READ THE LAST MESSAGE IT WASNâT MEANT FOR YOU
[text]: Well maybe I broke my tongue!
[text]: Please tell me youâre free today! Iâve got some big news.
[text]: Got a spare ticket, do you want to come?
[text]: Do you have a spare mankini I can borrow?
[text]: Is fancy dress allowed at the wedding?
[text]: I was using my old baby blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
[text]: We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead⊠I just rolled off and tapped out.
[text]: Like alphabetically, Iâd say a t?
[text]: Iâm sorry if throwing up in the back of your dadâs car ruined our friendship :(
[text]: there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night singing karaoke and drinking out of juice cartons. donât judge me.
[text]:Â I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesnât need it today.
[text]: Do you know where I am?
[text]: My wedding is in 5 hours and I have no idea where I am. Help!
[text]: We played rock paper scissors to see who would get a piggy back ride home. Iâve never been so broken.
[text]: Is âhead down ass upâ an appropriate way to say good morning?
[text]: That is definitely not healthy, in fact Iâm not sure itâs legal to send that sort of picture?
[text]: There isnât enough cookie dough ice cream at home, so Iâll be heartbroken tomorrow instead.
[text]: Not sure if I took a nap or went to another dimension
[text]: ABORT MISSION! ABORT MISSION!
[text]:Â No no donât leave me, whoâs going to walk me home
[text]: She wheeled me home in a trolley and sad she loved me, I think I win.
[text]: My dick just got serenaded.
[text]: I ate the whole wheel of cheese. Help.
[text]:Â Iâve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now theyâre getting into it and itâs a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect live sex updates
[text]: The fridge is fully stocked. Iâm either hallucinating or this is a miracle
[text]: I need you to help me clean the house because I have visitors in less than an hour???
[text]: Your brother is at the front doorâWHAT DO I SAY?!
[text]: Itâs all fun and games till someone says youâre so pretty they could punch you and they, you know, punch you
[text]: Iâm in A&E but I donât really know why
[text]: Went to bed with a 10, just about woke up with a 2 and a half
[text]: I think Iâm officially a homewrecker because his wife just walked in screaming and he said itâs not what it looks like. I mean what else could it look like? I wasnât trimming his hairs with my mouth?!
[text]: My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.
[text]: Donât talk to me! You tried to trade me for a glass of wine and a cigarette!
[text]: I promise Iâll get everyone to jelly wrestle with us xox
[text]: I am armed with a crown, a sash and a bouquet of flowers. Donât test me.
[text]: I think I got married last night?
[text]: I think I got married on impulse last nightâŠand after looking a second time, I donât think Iâve made any mistakes.
[text]: My mouth tastes like poor choices
[text]: I didnât let go of the mechanical bull, but they had to pull me off becauseâŠit was rough just the way I like it and I think that showed?
[text]: If I say it was accidental youâll just say Iâm lying
[text]: There is an alarming amount of glitter in myâŠeverywhere
[text]: Youâre the worst thing to ever happen to me, thank you
[text]: Have you ever had a good idea in your life?
[text]: Are we going to end up in the hospital again?
[text]: Itâs not a good night if I donât end up crying into your motherâs lap.
[text]: Mark my words, your dad will be my sugar daddy, heâll marry me and youâll have to call me momma bear and I will interrupt your sex life with condoms and condiments.
[text]: I may be allergic to nuts, but not his.
[text]: She high fived me out of pity
[text]:Â You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
[text]: You just walked in, rated their performance, dragged in three other people to clap for them, then walked back out.
[text]: You kept calling me baby Jesus and trying to see what wise men had to say about my hairâŠ
[text]: I am a responsible adult. I tied up my hair before I puked
[text]: I am a responsible adult, I brought home a lost kitten and let it shit in your room
[text]: I accidentally talked myself into a threesome, when did I become so smooth?
[text]: It may or may not have been your sisterâŠ
[text]: It may or may not have been your brotherâŠ
[text]: If youâre not coming over with food, donât come over at all
[text]: Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My co-worker is talking to me about her birds having sex againâŠ
[text]: Buy me a helicopter, I will give you the last slice of pizza. pls. this is important. okay maybe the crust?
[text]: Letâs never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
[text]: I tried to put lipstick on my eyeballs, help.
[text]:Â If you donât fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute weâre alone in your room, Iâm returning you to the boyfriend store
[text]: I accidentally sexted your mum, Iâm sorry xox
[text]: There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
[text]: I feel like youâre pretending I didnât bail you out of jail last night for trying to staple a cushion to the top of their car so you had a âcomfy place to sitâ
[text]: You climbed the fence and then started crying because you were scared of hamsters, I really donât know what you took, but you need a babysitter.
[text]:Â I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a âletâs fuckâ way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of âlet me wash your hairâ way.