My Life Expectancy Is Worryingly Low

Just your friendly ADVENT trooper, I volunteered to manage our social media accounts. You’ll mostly be seeing our basic propaganda and advertising but from time to time you’ll get to interact with me, The Trooper, through questions or asks. Don’t hesitate to drop by. Thanks to the technology of our alien allies I can communicate with other universes other than my own, wonderful! If you spot any resistance members please alert us ASAP

[advent-trooper]

Welcome back citizens!

Now, I feel I should probably address the untimely death of The Speaker and the leak that all is ADVENT soldiers are just Hybrid Clones. Well, as I’ve been authorised to say, it’s true!

The Speaker died doing what he loved, which was speaking, and the pretty graphic images were eventually wiped, but it does make us remaining at ADVENT pretty concerned!

If you see peacekeeping forces, do not interrupt them, as we are at a time of civil unrest thanks to XCOM!

The broadcast station has thankfully remained hidden so these broadcasts shouldn’t end! Here’s hoping the new leadership doesn’t use new frequency codes!

And remember, even with us being Hybrids, we’re still here to serve you, the people! As we always have!

[advent-trooper]

Before any inquiries come in, yes, the ADVENT talent show is unfortunately cancelled!

Turns out “The Faceless” aren’t very fair opponents!

Especially when it comes to impressions...

Still, the public accessible quiz night at The Sleepy Viper bar will stay on! Although psionic individuals will not be allowed to participate and should report to the nearest Gene Therapy clinic!

[advent-trooper]

advent citizen 2b38 here. are you alright. my day at the office3 just isnt the same without your radio broadcast

Thank you for the concern Citizen! We’re glad to hear that you enjoy our broadcasts!

Fortunately almost everyone got out fine!

A few soldiers were taken by the enemy however, but we’ll get them back!

You should’ve seen it, The Supervisor spat acid it was insane!

[advent-trooper]

Welcome back citizens to the ADVENT PR broadcast! That’s the official name but I’ve kinda overtaken it!

Anyway, we apologise for the extended absence of our broadcasts, our station was devastated in an attack by some new insurgent faction calling themselves “Skirmishers”!

Pretty scary name, but it’s cheesy, like if another faction called themselves reapers! Now wouldn’t that be funny!

But again, our schedule should continue in our new secretive station location!

So stay tuned in! As this is the only radio you’ve got!

[advent-trooper]

It’s almost time for the night of festivities known as Halloween!

We here at the broadcast station would like everyone to know that The Supervisor will be setting up a small stall in the main city town centre, with lots of ADVENT brand candy!

Due to the classified nature of the stations location, this is the best we can do!

And to all you XCOM operatives looking for an easy kill on The Supervisor, please don’t ruin this holiday. But just incase, we will be deploying some ADVENT Mecs to keep him safe!

So watch for those too!

[witharsenicsauce]

Will you be dressing up Trooper?

[advent-trooper]

Infact I did on the night!

I went out as what you call, a “faceless”!

It was good to go out without a helmet, but I did get a few comments on how realistic the costume looked!

Must’ve been well made!

[advent-trooper]

It’s almost time for the night of festivities known as Halloween!

We here at the broadcast station would like everyone to know that The Supervisor will be setting up a small stall in the main city town centre, with lots of ADVENT brand candy!

Due to the classified nature of the stations location, this is the best we can do!

And to all you XCOM operatives looking for an easy kill on The Supervisor, please don’t ruin this holiday. But just incase, we will be deploying some ADVENT Mecs to keep him safe!

So watch for those too!

[advent-trooper]

Breaking news!

The Speaker is in critical condition after getting attacked by a mob at an ADVENT speech today!

The attackers fled before our forces could arrive, although some have been captured!

The classified location of the broadcast station fortunately was not leaked, unlike some other things...

[witharsenicsauce]

Holy shit again?!

[advent-trooper]

We are afraid it may be more serious this time, as pretty serious confidential data was leaked by XCOM!

But worry not Arsenic, as ADVENT will remain vigilant to keep the cities safe in this trying time!

[witharsenicsauce]

Does the Speaker just have the most punchable face on the planet? Why does he keep getting beat up?! And how is he, by the way?

[advent-trooper]

While we are not allowed to divulge any of his medical information, we can assure all of you that he is getting the absolute best medical services ADVENT can provide!

And about the punchable face, well that’s an in joke between us troops, just don’t let him know we said that!

[voxprimaassassin]

His face is extremely punchable, of this I can assure you.

Although the final blow was dealt with a nail bat so I am…unsure of how that applies.

[advent-trooper]

You’re right about that my love! He was mobbed to a degree none of us have seen for years!

I’m assuming you’ve seen the autop- ah I mean medical reports!

[advent-trooper]

Breaking news!

The Speaker is in critical condition after getting attacked by a mob at an ADVENT speech today!

The attackers fled before our forces could arrive, although some have been captured!

The classified location of the broadcast station fortunately was not leaked, unlike some other things...

[witharsenicsauce]

Holy shit again?!

[advent-trooper]

We are afraid it may be more serious this time, as pretty serious confidential data was leaked by XCOM!

But worry not Arsenic, as ADVENT will remain vigilant to keep the cities safe in this trying time!

[witharsenicsauce]

Does the Speaker just have the most punchable face on the planet? Why does he keep getting beat up?! And how is he, by the way?

[advent-trooper]

While we are not allowed to divulge any of his medical information, we can assure all of you that he is getting the absolute best medical services ADVENT can provide!

And about the punchable face, well that’s an in joke between us troops, just don’t let him know we said that!

[advent-trooper]

Breaking news!

The Speaker is in critical condition after getting attacked by a mob at an ADVENT speech today!

The attackers fled before our forces could arrive, although some have been captured!

The classified location of the broadcast station fortunately was not leaked, unlike some other things...

[witharsenicsauce]

Holy shit again?!

[advent-trooper]

We are afraid it may be more serious this time, as pretty serious confidential data was leaked by XCOM!

But worry not Arsenic, as ADVENT will remain vigilant to keep the cities safe in this trying time!

[advent-trooper]

Breaking news!

The Speaker is in critical condition after getting attacked by a mob at an ADVENT speech today!

The attackers fled before our forces could arrive, although some have been captured!

The classified location of the broadcast station fortunately was not leaked, unlike some other things...

[advent-trooper]

I accompanied some of our yellow armoured troops outside the city walls today!

What we found was horrific, like a massacre scene!

The fresh corpses of our alien allies, on stakes being... and it pains me to say this... cooked!

We will seek out whoever is responsible for this and bring them to justice!

[advent-trooper]

Greetings Citizens!

So, ADVENT recently lost a super secret Blacksite to XCOM, effectively shutting down power for a few of our bases, the broadcast station included!

We’re currently running on recently acquired emergency power but fear not, as regular broadcasts will soon resume!

[advent-citizen-id2b38]

I was wondering about that. those dastardly rebels what do they have against black painted buildings?

[advent-trooper]

Exactly right citizen!

We have nothing to hide in those places!

They only house medical supplies for the population of Earth, which XCOM might be taking or destroying!

[advent-trooper]

Greetings Citizens!

So, ADVENT recently lost a super secret Blacksite to XCOM, effectively shutting down power for a few of our bases, the broadcast station included!

We’re currently running on recently acquired emergency power but fear not, as regular broadcasts will soon resume!

[advent-trooper]

So citizens!

We recently detained some people trying to leave the city walls, apparently they had no ties to XCOM!

Citizens please, do not try to leave the city limits, there is no food or anything out there!

We cannot disclose anything out there, but trust me on this!

[witharsenicsauce]

Aw come on Trooper, it’s probably just kids being wild! You know how they do!

[advent-trooper]

Kids don’t wear hooded coats or carry sniper rifles!

Where could they possibly have been going?!

[witharsenicsauce]

The skate park!

[advent-trooper]

The skate park?

Well I guess that could work!

Although the city has a massive skate park that’s way better than anything outside the walls!

[advent-trooper]

So citizens!

We recently detained some people trying to leave the city walls, apparently they had no ties to XCOM!

Citizens please, do not try to leave the city limits, there is no food or anything out there!

We cannot disclose anything out there, but trust me on this!

[witharsenicsauce]

Aw come on Trooper, it’s probably just kids being wild! You know how they do!

[advent-trooper]

Kids don’t wear hooded coats or carry sniper rifles!

Where could they possibly have been going?!

[advent-trooper]

So citizens!

We recently detained some people trying to leave the city walls, apparently they had no ties to XCOM!

Citizens please, do not try to leave the city limits, there is no food or anything out there!

We cannot disclose anything out there, but trust me on this!

[advent-trooper]

People might have wondered where I was for 40-odd days!

Well probably not seeing as I’m just a single expendable Trooper out of many, but it’s my job to tell you so I will anyway!

I had time off, for the first time, because I was apparently instrumental in taking out a small XCOM base!

It felt good taking off my armour for the first time in ages, I wasn’t allowed to leave the main headquarters however so activities were limited!

[witharsenicsauce]

Oh how’d I miss this update? Glad you got some rest Trooper! I could use some too ngl.

What kinds of things did you do? I know you couldn’t leave but did you still have fun?

[advent-trooper]

Well contrary to what XCOM Operatives have claimed after breaking in, our bases do have entire sections dedicated to rest and relaxation for the Troopers!

They come with all kinds of human compatible activities, such as a gym and an arcade!

But there are also places specifically made for our alien Allies, afterall I don’t think a Viper could ride an exercise bike very well!

[pgirl1986]

...

Okay, now I’m curious how Viper exercise equipment works.

Is it, like, an enlarged treadmill?

[advent-trooper]

You’re exactly right citizen!

As we know their tales move from side to side as they slither around, a normal treadmill simply doesn’t have the space to accommodate those movements. So we at ADVENT made our own!

Infact, our construction crews are beginning preparations to renovate existing Human gyms with these alien compatible machines, so keep an eye out for that!

[advent-citizen-id2b38]

wow so exciting Earth takes one step closer to fully integrating into the ADVENT system. what sort of arcade games do you play

[advent-trooper]

Well Citizen!

The barracks relaxation rooms only have extremely old machines!

I recently tried this game called “Pac-Man”!

It was strange.