Don't confuse Starbucks with a phone booth
...looking right at you, loudest talker in the world.
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@adviceunsolicited-blog
Don't confuse Starbucks with a phone booth
...looking right at you, loudest talker in the world.
When Life Gives You 100 Degree Days...
...enjoy the 85 degree nights.
(and get a god damn air conditioner)
Don't Sample Cell Phone Rings in a Public Coffee Shop
Based on the type of person I can assess that you are, you should really just put it on vibrate anyway.
Watch out for video cameras in elevators
Either security ones, or Cara Delevingne's.
Ride a bike with the flow of traffic
Or you'll get big time arrested. Like Alec Baldwin.
Big snaps to Alec Baldwin for reducing his carbon footprint by riding a bike through New York City. Sadly, the "do you know who I am?" line totally did not work to get him out of the two summons - one for riding against the flow of traffic, and one for disorderly conduct. Bless Belligerent Baldwin and his ability to bring a smile to Tuesday.
Don't take a year and a half off of blogging
There's always time to offer a little bit of snarky unsolicited advice.
When I attempt to read 50 Shades of Grey during a flight.
make animated gifs like this at MakeAGif
Advice Unsolicited: do not read 50 Shades of Grey on a flight. Or do. Because I kind of love when passengers go crazy.
Stop Trying to Make Candy Crush Saga Happen
It's not going to happen.
I didn't want to help you find a lonely goat on Farmville, I didn't want to join your gang (or whatever) in Mafia Wars and I certainly don't want to play Disney City Girl with you - whatever the eff that is.
Stop inviting me to play. Undo whatever setting invites all of your Facebook friends on the weekly. The internet distracts me enough. It will all be a downward spiral if I dare start at level one of Candy Crush Saga.
One week warning
You've got a week for your father's day card/present to arrive in the mail. Send it now, or pay $20 to FedEx to get $15 worth of golf balls to dad on time next week.
Extend Your Manicure
I don’t typically talk about nails, because - do I need a reason? - but this feels like practical advice that will save you money and nail erosion. After much thought and experimentation, I’ve taken the stance of anti-gel manicure.* I expect this to be very polarizing among my MANY readers. Let’s all just live and let live, ok? Here’s my reasoning: Ladies who would never consider acrylics (because they are tacky and do a number on your nails) are all about gel manis. While gels are not tacky (exception: if you are in your 30s and still modeling your multi-colored nails after Pretty Little Liars), they still do a number on your nails over time, and they are pricey. That said, regular manicures last me for all of 4 days. So those get pricey too. Don’t worry, as a self-proclaimed advice guru, I (of course) have found a solution. Step 1: Wear rubber gloves (a la Donna Reed) for any cleaning/dish washing/dish rinsing. Step 2.) Starting 3 days after a manicure, apply a quick coat of clear polish every other day. It takes all of 5 minutes because you can totally paint anywhere with clear and no one knows. Bam. That’s it. AND IT WORKS. 10 days later: proof below. This photo is obviously not doctored because A.) I don’t care that much and B.) half of the freckles and all of the wrinkles would have been filtered right on out if it was. *Incidentally, if you’re planning on voting me into office, here’s how I stand on other incredibly important issues: Pro-bangs (an issue I flip flop on), anti-self tanner, anti-ombre, pro-juice diets that also include food for chewing, anti-other juice diets, pro-midday cocktails, pro-Girls, pro-Kristin Cavallari, anti-GOOP but pro-Gwyneth, Khloe is my favorite Kardashian, pro-rompers, pro-jumpsuits, anit-headbands, pro-Lohan comeback, pro-Bynes comeback, no stance on Anne Hathaway, no stance on 3D movies.
Don't drink coffee after 6PM
I mean, duh, but just don't do it. Especially don't combine it with Sudafed. I've yet to try crystal meth (although I am looking for a new hobby once I finish catching up with Breaking Bad), but I can only imagine the results are similar.
The real question here, though, is after a night with no sleep, do I just keep drinking coffee all day to stay awake? Or will that just perpetuate the cycle/eventually lead to a meth addiction?
If you're going to take a nap at a busy coffee shop...
...just take up one table. Take up two, and you become a nemesis of everyone waiting for a table.
Invent 3D options for people who wear glasses
I don't even care that I have a multimillion dollar idea and I'm just handing it over. Consider it my community service for the...lifetime.
Can someone who is smarter with me (I think they're called "engineers") create a way for people who wear glasses to watch 3D movies without having to double glasses it?
I've been double glasses-ing it since 3D came back in vogue, and it's the worst. The 3D glasses neither fit on top of nor underneath the actual glasses, and wherever you put them, you have to use at least one hand to hold it in place for the entire movie so the glare from one doesn't mess with the other. I have better uses for my hands during a movie: double fisting popcorn and candy, or candy and a to go coffee cup filled with wine.
As a near sighted lady, I wear glasses when it's time to drive (or...I should) and when it's time to watch movies (always). That's it. Contacts are unnecessary/unwanted. 3D options for be-speckled folks, on the other hand? Completely necessary and absolutely wanted.
So, engineer. Here's my idea. How about some sort of film that sticks to the lenses? No, of course I don't know what that actually means, but I'm picturing something like those Colorforms from the 80s, but, you know, they make the movie 3D. I bet you'd need one for each side of the lenses, right? I'm leaving the details to you. I'm seeing Star Trek: Into Darkness tonight, so that's a loss, but please do get on it before Man of Steel comes out.
Royalties would be nice, too. Keep in touch about that.
Don't Play Health Insurance Chicken
For the love of all that is good and holy: don't play health insurance chicken.
For those of you unfamiliar with "insurance chicken," it's a lot like "drinks chicken," but with higher stakes...and in this case you don't want the other person to cancel. Insurance chicken is waiting to sign up for new health insurance until your previous employer cancels your health insurance. "Why waste money on a second insurance policy when my previous company hasn't yet cancelled mine?" you ask yourself, specifically if you are my own inner monologue. "They're probably giving me an extra month to make up for delays on my final paycheck, or just being nice."
Let me stop you right there: have you ever known your previous employer to spend money on you just to be "nice?" Wait...really? Then why are they your "previous" employer?
"That may be true, Advice Unsolicited, but I'm checking my health insurance website every single day to make sure I'm still insured," you counter. "The second my current insurance goes away, I'll sign up for new insurance!"
Where that seemingly sound logic goes wrong is in a bit of knowledge I'm about to drop on you. If you're anything like me, this is news: even the most disorganized HR department can RETRO-CANCEL your health insurance up to a month later.* Retro. Cancel. That's right, kiddos: you might think you have insurance when you head to the doctor on May 14 - because all signs, documents and customer service representatives indicate that you do - but if your previous employer decides to cancel your insurance on May 31, they can retro-cancel from May 1st onward. It's like a time machine that you didn't know existed, or some Harry Potter shit. The retro-cancel part of this all won't fully process until you get the bill from your May 14th appointment. It will be about a grand, unless you got X-rays or did anything beyond just showing up and getting your temperature taken. Then it will be much, much more. Enjoy that expensive lesson.
As fun as it is to get the most out of your previous employer, this is one area not to mess around with. If you really need to stick it to the man, just sign their company wide e-mail address up for every mailing list you can find. There's a Daily Candy/Groupon/Gilt City in so very many cities, and they all have separate e-mails. You're welcome.
*If this post was not a clear enough indication: I am not an insurance expert. Check your policy and state guidelines for exact timeline.
Always use a coupon code
I am a pretty big fan of online shopping. Much like any shopping with a credit card, it doesn't feel like spending real money (until later), and if you do enough of it, you forget what's coming in the mail until it arrives. It's like Christmas all year round!
I am not, however, a big fan of paying full price for anything. It's like being the guy on the plane that paid the most for the middle seat: if you're in this position, you're doing something wrong with your life.
Fix your life, or one part of it anyway, by doing a 5 minute search for coupon codes before checking out of anywhere. Seriously: anywhere. I have yet to find a website that doesn't have a current coupon code floating around the internet (some daily deals excluded, but who's using Groupon anymore anyway?). Retail me not, couponcodes.com, coupons.com and If that fails (which it probably won't), at the very least spend 2 minutes typing out any of the following in the coupon code box: MAY20OFF (or whatever month it is with any number that sounds like a good percentage off), GAPMay (or whatever store, whatever month/year combo), MAY2013, FRIENDSANDFAM, FAF2013, MOTHERSDAY...see how many you can guess in 90 seconds. At the very least, FREESHIP is a pretty good standby.
Then you can justify more online shopping, because not taking advantage of sales is like throwing money away, pretty much.*
*I did not major in economics.
Share the road with a runner
As a runner,* may I say on behalf of my kind that running kind of sucks. Yeah, there are Nike ads and Runner's World covers out there that will try to convince you that "runners high" is a reason to run ultra-marathons (whaaaaa?), but I'm pretty sure all this "runner's high" nonsense is is the delirium that comes with dehydration and shortness of breath.
Running sucks.** Most of us are doing it because we like the idea of being in shape, but were never able to catch a ball or do any other real sport that requires hand-eye coordination to burn calories. Enjoyable it is not.
With that in mind, must those of you in cars try to kill runners so often? Getting from point A to point B is so much better in a car - can't you just enjoy that without taking out sweating cardio enthusiasts en route?
And don't even start with "runners should be more careful" - save that for the motorcyclists cutting in and out of lanes (separate advice topic). This is coming from the most cautious runner ever. I stop anytime a traffic signal indicates that is the right decision (primarily because - see above - I'm not about to turn down any excuse to stop running), and my arms are scratched up from how close to shrubbery I run staying on the inside of shoulders or sidewalks.
Even with my impeccable traffic safety, I've been hit by a car running twice since living in LA. Nothing serious either time, thankfully, but big car hits little person: it still hurts.
Since drivers appear to have more respect for other cars than for - say - humans - a good rule of thumb is to pretend that runners are really expensive (and really breakable) cars. You wouldn't take a right on red into a really expensive car, now would you? You wouldn't veer into a lane occupied by a really expensive car, because it would affect your insurance premiums negatively. You certainly wouldn't take a left hand turn into an expensive car, just because all the other cars were out of the way.
I fall on my face enough as it is (2 face plants and one tumble down the stairs in the past 2 months anyway). I tripped over a dog once while running and - 13 years and 1 surgery later - I still can't rotate my shoulder. On the rare occasions I am able to stay on two feet and not trip over animals, all I request is that you pretend my fellow runners and I are really expensive cars...and not hit us.
*Not like a professional runner. Or a fast one. Only a runner in the sense that I'll run far because I'm too stubborn to stop.
**I'm only kind of kidding about running sucking. It's love-hate. More emphasis on the hate, natch.
Don't Forget Mother's Day
Mother's Day is Sunday. For all of us living states away from Mom, that means the card needs to arrive by Saturday (thank Jeebuz that the Postal Service has suspended that whole "no mail for you" on Saturdays threat). To be safe, that means you need to get the card in the mail tomorrow. So...deductive reasoning: buy the card today. Inductive? I never was good at math.
Regardless: time to plan your mother's day greeting so you're not spending $30 overnight Saturday delivering a $4 Hallmark card.
If you're feeling like a particularly good offspring this Mother's Day, it's just about time to get your order in for flowers. Sure, most flower delivery services essentially send the equivalent of a Trader Joe's bouquet in a Target vase and charge you exponentially, but (for the most part) your mom gave up drinking for nine months to have you, so suck it up and pay the mark up. Look, I even found a coupon for you.