Settling isn’t romantic, I’ll hold my applause
I’m at this time of my life where the people around me are getting married so frequently I can barely go half a year without having to attend another wedding. It’s a wonderful time, weddings are beautiful, love is inspiring, and happiness is in the air. But time and time again I see couples disappoint me with their, imho, extremely rude “his/her” love testimonies. I see far too often the same story of “Girl reluctantly dates loser-ish guy she didn’t want to at first but eventually settled with and continually insults” and if that seems odd/wrong to you, probably because it is/should be considered so. And why is it that all these super offensive stories all come out of the (4c) church couples? I’ve read so many adorable “the knot” wedding “testimony” stories but the trend at 4c seems to be anything but. Is this the kind of dating culture that is encouraged there? Like I grew up hearing, “don’t date focus on God!” and now it’s, “you should date a guy you don’t want to as long as he’s Godly and Persistent and that will overcome anything, you will find a way to love him by humbling yourself” and while in Christian theory I guess it’s true a couple need only be concerned about serving the Lord together but is it necessary to trash the person you’re about to get married to in the process of emphasizing the biblical perspective behind your marriage? That doesn’t seem biblical, respectful, cute, or anything positive for you, your partner, or the community around you both.
I had a discussion with some friends the other day about this. Couple 1 from our church apparently had wedding vows in which the guy laid out a beautiful timeline of memories and idiosyncrasies and the girl was just like, “I thought he was ugly but he’s fine now!”… Couple 2 had a wedding website story where the guy literally writes a 2 page essay and the girl is like, “I hated him at first, he’s okay now. Can I get food?” and most recently Couple 3 shared a wedding story which was arguably less offensive than the prior 2 because it was more of an, “I didn’t like him but I realized I did in the end” but then she ended her story with a full on paragraph filled with way too many explicit negatives. Like, “Even though he (insert con #1) (insert con #2) (insert con #3,4,5…), he’s the one for me!” And they weren’t those “insults that are not really insults” kind of cons like, “Even though he showers me with too much love” etc. they were straight up like “EVEN THOUGH HE HAS NO PERSONAL HYGIENE” like that’s not cute. And just because the men in these relationships don’t get offended doesn’t mean it’s okay. Maybe they are offended but feel obligated by society/community pressures to be “chill” about having their dirty laundry literally aired and their personal pride blasted publicly. Regardless, why do we think it’s okay to bash on the people we love the most, as if insulting them publicly is the best and cutest way to show love? Why does society frown so much upon a girl saying beautiful, kind things about her man, whom she should be proud of? Why is it that the “ideal” romance these days (as exemplified on K-dramas and so many “how we met” couple stories) is one in which the guy busts his ass for an otherwise not even remotely attracted to him girl? Why is it socially acceptable for girls to just literally trash their partners verbally but it’s not okay the other way around? Like, maybe it would be less upsetting if the guy were allowed to also share cons about his partner but that’s a big no no; meanwhile, I guess it’s considered tmi/‘ew’ for a girl to say positive things about hers?
Can we bring back basic kindness and respect in a relationship? PDA is making out in front of your visibly uncomfortable friends during a group hangout; it’s not sharing something meaningful and heartfelt on Instagram/FB/”TheKnot”. If the ideal love story these days is for girls to find boys they can critique publicly but hold a double standard for in which the guys can only say sweet things in return, then no thanks I’ll pass. We all learn in kindergarten, “Treat others the way you want to be treated!” and if you can honestly say that’s how you’d want your partner to treat you, then fine, you guys do you. But if you’re publicly speaking derogatory things about your partner and are not okay if your partner said similar statements in response, and all of this is so you can craft an image of Mr. Weirdo lands Ms. Perfection - I think that’s sad, thoughtless, and behavior not worthy of encouragement and aspiration and certainly not #couplegoals. What is couple goals to me is to not be afraid to show love, kindness, respect, and affection in the context of a mutually loving and kind and respectful and affectionate relationship. We live in a harsh world and are plagued by personal insecurities as well as external insults; do we want to feed into that negative energy or expect and do better with regards to our most important and treasured relationships?
I’m gonna be bold here (and open to criticism+feedback) and posit that most girls who love to portray their relationships in this manner have underlying insecurities. To desperately desire a relationship with a man who is obsessed with you even though you aren’t that into him doesn’t tell the story of a confident, self-made, “modern” woman who “don’t need no man”. It tells the story of a girl so wrought with insecurities that she doesn’t have the strength to go after a man she really admires. One who so desperately wants to be loved that she is willing to settle. One who so deeply craves affirmation on being worthy of love that she writes herself into a love story where she plays the “out of his league” girl in hopes that it will somehow transform her into the confident, beautiful, don’t need no man woman she’s always wanted to be. And I’m not hypothesizing this to look down on other girls - I’m saying this because I have been the prime example from which this hypothesis was borne. Throughout high school and college, I rarely sought the company of boys/men I admired because it was just so much easier to date the ones I didn’t care for than run the risk of being rejected. I went on date after date with guys who were not attractive to me and whom I didn’t see a future I was excited about because it was easier to do that than to deal with my own insecurities. I, too, romanticized at one point about being in a relationship with a man who would move mountains to be with me, EVEN a man I showed no interest in and even dislike towards, because it would “prove” that if I was worth moving mountains for even when I didn’t make any efforts, then I must be incredibly badass and awesome. I didn’t realize that someone out there has already moved mountains to show me I am worth it, and that what I need for a life partner is a man I admire and not a man I begrudgingly chose over single-ness.
I wish I knew earlier that ‘badass awesome’ was actually the girl who loved herself enough to go after what she really wants even in the face of possible rejection.
Nowhere in the Bible does God glorify a story of a man chasing relentlessly after a woman who continually rejects him. It does not teach us to seek after men who will love us more than we love them back in the midst of some weird power struggle. But why has that become #relationshipgoals…even in the church and surprisingly especially in the church? In many ways, societal values have become the inadvertent teachings within a church, especially when they seem harmless on the surface. Before you know it, the community around you has idealized something that is far, far from ideal. Don’t let your guard down. If it feels wrong, there’s a good chance it isn’t right.
Love in the context of marriage is one of its most beautiful demonstrations, and if there ever is a time to say unkind & demeaning remarks (even jokingly) about the recipient of your lifelong commitment, I would hope your wedding isn’t one.
One week away from our wedding and reading this post I wrote so many years ago makes my heart feel so full. Even in my early 20's, I was clearly passionate about the idea of refusing to settle in love and marriage. The road to here was certainly bumpy but I stayed true to my core values.
It is amazing that even nearly a decade ago, I felt like there was something deeply disturbing about the "girl caves to being pursued by the guy she didn't really care for initially" trope, like it was NEVER a cute love story and never will be. Ladies, we can do better than that, and we SHOULD want better for ourselves. A woman with self-respect and self-esteem is more comfortable with being single than needing to settle. I wasn't always that woman, sadly, but I'm so happy that I took the chance on a relationship with a man who honestly felt out of my league and not the other way around. This is a man who continues to impress me day after day with his intelligence, his work ethic, his ambition, and his heart. The one I did not even dare to dream of ever being with, because it was easier to just be adored like an idol, than to be loved as an equal.
As I experience one more half year before I enter my 30's, the main theme emerging from my 20's is not the love story I have found in a man, but the love story I have found in learning to love myself. And it would not have been complete without the bumps in the road, heck, even an entire divorce happened in my mid 20's. I wouldn't want anyone else to ever experience that, except of course, if it meant this person would grow to be stronger, happier, braver, and more capable of loving themself in the process and the aftermath. People think divorce is the "end" of their lives. For many, it is actually the beginning of a better one.
Never let fear (of rejection, of loneliness, of societal/familial/cultural expecations) be your guiding light.
Be brave, and see where that takes you. I promise it will be worth the risk.














