[agreatdepth]

Doctor appointment tomorrow.

I think that Jason finally sent me over the edge of myself. Now, I am NOT sitting by and not speaking up for myself. My body is broken and I have to tell my doctor everything I know about what has been slowly happening to my body since...everything. On top of traumatic violence, I have been lifting people/dead weight 8 hours a day for 10 years of home care jobs. Lifting, pulling, holding up paralyzed people with my back injured like that since 1989. I mean, I literally cannot do that anymore. And those things (transfers, as they call them) are completely expected as part of the job if you do home care. You can't say no. It's expected.No big deal...only I have a spine that is 75% slipped and no discs to hold it together. That shit scares me everyday. Every night, my right leg goes completely numb for I don't know how long. It wakes me up. I'm starting to lose bladder function, a common symptom of later stage 2/3 spondylolisthesis. On top of that, there is the PTSD compounding that. I felt it was time, after this year, to fight for myself and try to get some actual time and treatment to heal my broken spine and body. I have gotten zero treatment for both conditions. Just some weed, my own exercise as encouraged by every doctor, heating pads. I'm afraid that if I don't fight for my health I'm going to lose what is left. When I was 30, I was told by a doctor that I had the spine of a 65 year old woman. 20 years later, what does it look like?

[agreatdepth]

Thinking of you.

[agreatdepth]

Seattle, WA. 1990. Our rent near a lake was $350 month. We owned our own coffee business. We rode our vintage bikes downtown. We watched movies on VHS. There was a corner market we walked to. It snowed on a regular basis early in the year. We worked for ourselves and did not feel broke.

[agreatdepth]

Saturday.

I cooked us a delicious dinner on Thursday. Today I made from scratch a chicken pot pie that is in the oven.

I cook a meal for us almost everyday. We don't eat "fast food".

I make the dogs food from scratch.

As I grow old, I really hate the taste of processed foods. I grew up with that in the 70s and 80s, and it gives me the willies just looking at it on grocery shelves.

It's cold today. No snow, though. It's really dry here.

Coming up on a year.

[agreatdepth]

some people make it a lifelong commitment to never get over themselves...oh, the suffering.Please tell us over and over how you were mistreated...honestly, people don't *really* care. I know YOU do, but they really don't.

I want to tell you something...no one cares. Well-maybe a couple of your close friends.

It can be mental illness, chronic illness. accidents, health problems, being homeless, divorce, domestic violence, etc.

No one really gives a shit except for a few close friends, or if you have a husband, they will probably comfort you and tell you how important your suffering is.

People will continue to tell you to get over it. They will tell you that again and again because they don't want to hear it....until it happens to THEM. They can talk about their suffering and overcoming adversity all fucking day long...because they had cancer and you only went through a divorce and domestic violence. Yeah, I was almost murdered in a different way, but please tell me how what you went through was more important and how what I went through is just being a narcissist.

A former friend told me over lunch one day, "oh, you got raped? That happens to everyone. You are not special." Nice. And caring, too. I will never forget the other "friend" who told me I was being "lazy" after I couldn't work because I was recovering from being sexually assaulted/PTSD. "Everyone has trauma!" she said. Yep.

Chronic empathy is a problem. People only have so much room. There is room for the top 5, but that's about it...suck it up.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

This is America. Get to work. get over it.

I have been told over and over that "no one owes you anything" and "to get over it" so damn, OK :)

[agreatdepth]

P.S. Never give advice about something you have NEVER experienced. Just like I don’t tell cancer survivors how to recover, but everyone feels the need to tell me how I should be living my life after years of domestic violence I endured Just PLEASE stick with what you know, and so will I.

[agreatdepth]

Horror movie night, Halloween eve.

Alcohol and despair took over my friend from high school. I was told that he had tried rehab xxx. His wife just left him after 25 years. His sons were mad at him for not being able to stop drinking. He ended his life on Friday night. He deleted his social media account on Wednesday, and I thought it weird but not alarming. He had moved out of the family home and was living with his dad. His dad found him on Saturday morning. That's when I found out. He was 53 years old.

Alcohol has killed so many of my friends. I've actually lost count. Since 2017, I've lost 3 friends.

But...we're not supposed to talk about it, why, etc.

It's really fucking sad.

[agreatdepth]

Another friend from high school ended his life yesterday, almost 5 years to the day our other friend killed himself in 2017. Clark and Tim were best friends. Tim left us in 2017. Everyone on Fakebook is all “thoughts and prayers” and genrally hush hush about the “s” word.

“We will remember him smiling”.

Just fucking WOW.

SO many of my friends from high school have died by their own hands. I’m in shock, kind of...but not really. I don’t know how to feel. A part of me in enraged about all the hush hush around this, as this guy was a father, husband.

This is what continues to happen when we DO NOT talk about mental health in America. People DIE.

[agreatdepth]

school.

I officially passed my death investigation classes from the University of North Dakota. 120 study hours, 5 exams. I get my certificate in a couple weeks. Next step: get hired by a Coroner/Medical Examiners office and get nationally certified. I needed this so that those places would take me seriously along with my medical training and experience in the field. I have to write a cover letter. I’m not in a rush, but if the “perfect” job is posted somewhere, I want to be ready to apply to it. I am so relieved to have these classes done. And proud of myself, because I got a 98% average. I start back up in mortician school in the Spring. They are still evaluating my transfer credits.

[agreatdepth]

Not my favorite.

[agreatdepth]

monday.

I was about to call my job, and they called me...with a new assignment! It starts Wednesday. It’s part time, but it will pay my bills for now and I am completely happy about that.

I took the Natural death and Mental Health portions of the AMBDI certification this morning. Natural death, 90%. Mental Health, 100%.

I have 2 modules to go, and I need to complete those this week. It’s looking good!! Dude...I know my SHIT.

[agreatdepth]

The little man who rules my space.

[agreatdepth]

My new Mortician program is almost done evaluating all my transfer credits. I should know pretty soon how long I will have left to complete this program. I am grateful this school is even taking these credits from my closed school.

[agreatdepth]

I do believe in karma, and it is finally happening. No PhD, broke as HELL at 40, and forever teaching at a school he hates. GOOD!!!! That is what he deserves for fucking countless people over, assaulting several women, lying, cheating, manipulating. That is the life he carved out for himself, and I am GLAD.

[agreatdepth]

I was really upset that I yet again had to be in a position to NAG my ex boyfriend into paying the bills that were still connected to me. FOUR years after leaving. I was so traumatized when I left in 2017, I thought I took my name off the utilities at Culver. HE knew I didn’t, of course, because he still lives there. He knew by getting the bills every month, and yet he kept my name on there and didn’t call LADWP and say hey, take her name off, she doesn’t live here and please make a new account.That would take 5 minutes. He is so deficient, so lazy, so irresponsible that he didn’t change anything for YEARS and also didn’t not pay the bills that were still in my name for YEARS. I called and spoke to LADWP and that is how I know. The electric bill wasn’t paid for TWO years. I asked them how??? They said the pandemic caused accounts to be overlooked in Los Angeles. They said my ex even got government money to help him pay, and he STILL wouldn’t pay the $1400. I told him on Tuesday to fucking pay it, and he was enraged, annoyed, and insulting because I asked him to be responsible. He finally made a new account, and complained to me via text that he HAD to pay the balance and how horrible it is. I DON’T CARE. Since around 2016, everything has been MY fault in that sociopath’s eyes. NOTHING is his fault. Even his mother defended him with “it isn’t his bill!” and then paying it for him 10 minutes later. I’m so sick of those fucking people. Now that my name is off everything, am I finally free? I think so. But how do I wash off this disgusting residue of them? Working on it. What a disgusting group of people that family is. NO responsibility. Blame blame blame. Did I mention I am GLAD he got kicked out of his PhD program? That is what happens when you do no work for it, no research, and you sleep with people to get in there. He is a fake, a phony, a fraud of a person.

[agreatdepth]

This chapter is closed. My ex boyfriend finally paid the $2000 worth of bills from my (our) apartment as of today. He was so annoyed that I ordered him to either pay it now or go to court. His MOM paid it. He didn't pay the electricity for over a year. One account went into collections and he finally paid that. Not without insulting me for "bothering" him about the money. I told him that his constant irresponsibility made it neccessary for me to contact him about it in the first place. My name is now off everything associated with the Culver apartment. I'm free.

[agreatdepth]

the ex’s mom called me last night. “all his bills are paid as of today.” she says. Checking on that today.