kiernan (he/him đłď¸ââ§ď¸ 20) just my choatic corner of the internet where i yap about my current hyperfixations only to disappear for months at a time
Give me old trans man Robby. Robby who transitioned in the 90s.
Robby who started going by Robby cause 1) it was masculine 2) it eased the name change and 3) he was already pressured to shorten Robinavitch might as well make it useful.
Robby who had shit transition healthcare (as was very common at the time) and is only alive cause he was in med school. Who, like a lot of people, ended up on unsafe forms of hormones cause they didn't know the safety at the time (like pills). Who nearly was chronically overdosed on T cause there were next to no docs who knew how to competently treat a trans patient. Robby who had to do so much endocrinology research to help himself and later the other trans people around him.
Robby who's push to being an ER doc was cause he had to help his trans community since no one wanted to treat them. Who saw how much he could help when he was on his ER rotation. Who saw how his friends were treated and decided to have all of them come to him instead no matter how busy he was.
Robby who had to work through the height of the AIDS crisis and watch as his community was failed by everyone around him. Robby who saw how the other doctors and nurses talked about and treated trans and especially trans HIV patients but had no standing to combat it at the time. Robby who ended up being requested by queer and HIV patients cause even if they didn't know he was queer they did know he was safe.
Robby who has been out so long he still idenfies as transexual. Robby with phaloplasty. Robby who got top surgery prior to chest masculinization really being an option. Robby with fucked up ribs cause chest binders didn't exist yet so your option was only unsafe binding.
Robby who is stealth at work cause he's so used to having to hide that part of himself for saftey. Robby who still has to hide that part of himself for saftey even now and hates that the world hasn't changed since the 90s.
Robby who sees Whitaker just starting his transition and makes sure he never has to deal with any of the bullshit he did. Robby also being with Trinity in lowkey (lovingly) flaming him for choosing to be named Dennis.
contrary to what many folks are trying to make the popular general opinion, there are actually a large number of trans women + transfems who view trans men + transmascs as really the only other type of people in this world who understand what it means to have to fight in such a specific way before weâre able to live in this world as ourselves, and vice versa. donât forget it. weâre more alike than we are different. we have more in common with each other than anyone who hasnât ever had to fight to live as who they are and most of us recognize that and center that above any difference between us. do not let yourself forget that. we are strong together. we are beautiful together. we canât do this without each other. do not let the very vocal minority that centers fear, division, and emphasis on our differences shut you away from all the love that is available to you. Iâm sorry things are like this. Please donât forget that we do have some power to make things less awful for each other. It wonât cure everything but it will make it easier to keep going, to keep fighting. there are more friends than enemies.
i need to deconstruct my internalized feelings on queerness.
i love queerness, itâs so essential to who i am, but when i think about other people seeing it, i suddenly get very embarrassed and scared even.
i think about what would happen if Byler happens on screen with my family in the room, i get nervous. only in the privacy of my own room or phone do i feel fully content, otherwise im suddenly embarrassed by any semblance of queerness, especially related to the incoming media shattering event that is BylerâŚ
i have big complicated feelings. i would love to see Byler happen, i have a LOT of hope, too much to fully stomach, i guess. I know itâll happen but i get nervous. what will happen afterwards? who will complain? will i be looked at strange if i celebrate it verbally? i dont exactly live with the most accepting people (cough cough white christians with⌠not so good views on a lot of stuff)
i just worry what will happen since we all watch the show together? despite the fact the at the people i love with acknowledge and are fine with specifically gay people (in a twisted sort of way, its complicated) but i cant quell this, fear i have.
what will anyone think of me?
if they shun Byler, is that them shunning me? i guess not since im not necessarily gay, im a different kind of queer but still.
i think when/if Byler happens, it will be very worth it, it will feel very beautiful. so raw, so real.
i wonder if i can be raw and real too, loved and accepted.
as soon as something queer comes on the big screen, i catch myself nervously glancing around the room, worried about others think. im always worried about what other people think. which, in turn, effects how i think.
they dont even care that much, but even the smallest comments that they dont think about really hurt. i get cold thinking about having to see those Looks every time something beautiful happens on screen.
as cliche or corny as it sounds, i really truly believe in love. love beyond romantic. love of people.
i love people.
any kind of queer identity, i love them.
i want to extend love and receive love, feel loved with no fear. i want to accept people and think nothing is wrong with the way they present themself.
i want to believe that everyone can think that being gay is correct, just as much as being straight is.
i want everyone to nod their heads when their baby grows up to be trans, and they still are loved.
i want everyone to love.
Byler is making me truly think about my recent circumstances and feelings. love is so beautiful so i dont understand why we cant all just do it together. just hold my hand, i think we can do it.
i'll defend fanfic for my whole life. like the joy it brings is genuinely transformative and indulgent in a way unique to the genre. it isn't meant for a market, it isn't meant to be sold or marketed. it is born out of such care and passion for a media that one must write and must share it, so other folks can enjoy it to. for no other reason than love and joy. do you know how special that is? especially in our current social and political climate.
trans people who are anti t4t make me so sad. because beyond just not knowing what being t4t means, the fact that they believe that t4t is just being a chaser is indicative of a deeper issue, being that cis people have ingrained the idea that we are unfuckable and unloveable, disgusting by nature, and that anybody who would voice attraction to us, a step further, ONLY CHOOSE TO DATE TRANS PEOPLE, would be a pervert with a disgusting fetish who wont see them as equal.
thats not what t4t is.
t4t is the rejection of the idea that we are inherently disgusting, just because we are in the eyes of a cisnormative society.
t4t is the understanding that we are safer and stronger together as a community than apart.
t4t is seeing your trans boyfriend try on clothes from your old boy wardrobe that you hated growing up but now your least favorite shirt is your favorite because its the perfect shade of red that brings out his eyes.
t4t is teaching your trans girlfriend that has been scared to do her own makeup how youve learned from other trans women, who learned from other trans women, who learned from other trans women.
t4t is doing your testosterone shots together and kissing each others sticks after you put the bandaid on.
t4t is holding the door for your trans girlfriend and showing her the chivalry she didn't get from her dad growing up, but its ok because you can show her now.
t4t is being on the phone with your partner who just came out as trans/nonbinary after seeing you, YOU, live your truth, and them asking you to help them find a new name, the perfect name for them, and you hope theyll carry that part of you forever.
you are trans and that is beautiful. your transness is beautiful. trans love is beautiful. dont let ANYBODY make you feel unworthy of sex or love. THATS what being t4t means.
Itâs just a little bit soul crushing when I come across trans men talking about how much they hate men. Apologizing for being one. Like âhaha I guess Iâm a trans man yep that means I, as a man, suck, just like all other men haha feel free to vent your frustrations about the patriarchy at me. I canât help being a man I hate men why would I choose to be one?â
I remember being there. Hating the gender you belong to is exhausting. Itâs worth deconstructing I promise, even just for your wellbeing. Hereâs a start:
Manhood isnât inherently tied to misogyny and violence. Misogyny and violence are choices. Just choices that men are disproportionately conditioned into making. Men can and do rewrite that conditioning all the time. Manhood isnât the problem. The problems are misogyny and violence. Youâre not a bad feminist because you let go of the hate you have for the manness of yourself. Your manness doesnât make you violent or misogynistic, being violent and misogynistic make you violent and misogynistic make you violent and misogynistic. Testosterone HRT doesnât turn you into the archetype of male violence. Testosterone isnât the driving force of misogyny and violence. Do you understand what Iâm saying? Misogyny and violence are not inherent and inescapable to anyone, regardless of identity. Being a man doesnât make you evil.
Treating misogyny and violence as inherent to manhood excuses men for being violent and misogynistic. Accountability is real hard when you consider doing bad things a fundamental nature tied to an identity. If men are sexist, can you blame this man for being sexist? Thatâs just how men are. Do you see how this is boys will be boys hidden behind a couple layers of pseudo feminism?
I spent years dancing around manhood because I believed the second I labeled myself a man I was the enemy. The number of ways I found to describe my masculine identity that werenât man. The number of times hearing âat least youâre not a manâ set me back. The number of times I came so close to manhood, but ran into an explicitly trans inclusive âI hate menâ.
I think the best word for how manhood feels to me is settled. Being a man feels like home. Masculinity feels so gentle, in a big olâ teddy bear sort of way. Growing a beard and letting your little cousin stick flowers in it. Making sure none of my students think itâs okay to make fun of the kid who cries a lot. Answering âboys donât cryâ with âIâm a boy, and I cry every single time a dog in a movie is sadâ. I want to be so kind. I want to be the man someone chooses to start working on their dogâs fear of men with. I want to be trusted to watch a drink and to walk with people to their cars at night. I want them to find a cure for cat allergies so I can get that patting-tiny-animal-with-hairy-hands gender euphoria without eye irritation. Cardigans and top surgery scars. Wrinkled hands injecting testosterone. My dream life closes on sweet if eccentric old man.
I may have tangented a bit, but just⌠you donât have to hate the man part of you. It doesnât do any good. Itâs not a moral responsibility. You can let that go because âmanâ is just a gender. It isnât a fundamental evil that exists deep within your being. The only evil masculine urge Iâve ever felt is the desire to wear athletic shorts in the middle of November. Youâre not doing anything wrong by existing as a man I swear.
Regardless of everything, i love being a man. I love my manhood. I love my masculinity.
My girlhood, femininity and femmeness do not outweigh my manhood and masculinity. They are mixing and frolicking with one another.
I love being a trans man. I love being a nonbinary man. I love being transmasc.
I love being girl in a guy way. I love being more guy than the cis girls around me, and more girl than the cis guys around me. I love being a man while being a girl.
Manhood can be liberating. Manhood is liberating to me. Masculinity can be liberating. Masculinity is liberating to me.
I love being a lesbian while being a man, I love being guy gay while being somewhat a girl. I love being sapphic and achillean.
I love wearing skirts and crop tops and thigh highs. I love wearing button ups and sweater vests and suit jackets. I love having long hair, i love earrings and other accessories, i love being masculine and feminine and androgynous all while still being a man.
I love being a fag. I love being a dyke. I love being a tranny.
I love being transmasculine. I love being a nonbinary man. I love being a trans man. I love being a man.
the point of my masculinity and male positivity posts are to underline that masculinity and manhood are seen as a threat or in direct opposition to queerness, and that often times in order to be seen as queer you have to be partially or wholly feminine or gender neutral, or express your manhood in a feminine or gender neutral way in order to no longer be threatening, invasive, or a problem.
it is very difficult to exist in queer spaces as a hyper masculine person & a man. you're made to feel like you need to walk a tight rope feeling like you're inherently out of place, as if you existing and being masculine or a man in queer spaces makes others uncomfortable inherently.. just know that when i make positivity posts it is to remind us all that masculinity/manhood and queerness are not opposites and that you do not have to be a feminine man or masc person to be viewed/seen/heard as queer.
chasing men, masculine people, and masculinity out of queer spaces isn't helping anyone currently and won't help anyone down the line. please accept masc enbies, butches, bears, and masculine trans men with the same kindness, love, and passion that you do neutral and feminine people. that's the point when i make these kinds of posts. thank u
This is 100% thanks to the âNo kink at Prideâ people. Because?
They didnât want these men at Pride. This is a leather daddy. (A rather covered-up leather daddy, because this addition doesnât do anyone any good if itâs flagged into invisibility, but best believe that dude has hella abs under there, and a 50/50 chance of heavy tattooing.)
Hereâs another. Again on the modest side for the sake of not triggering the automod thing, but you can see the interplay of queerness and masculinityâparticularly a kind of forward, unashamed sexual explicitness, if you take a look at their crotches. Thatâs a kind ofâŚfor lack of a better term, mating display. âI have this and want to use it, or at least know there are men here fantasizing about me using it.â Itâs akin to a woman wearing a plunge neck. Youâre supposed to look, and if youâre a dude, heâd like you to like it.
These dudes (well, most of these dudes)? Theyâre bears. (I said âmostâ because the guy in the sunhat is technically a cub. Heâs too young to be a bear.) The furriness and the beards and the age and the bellies ARE THE POINT. The name âbearâ is an affectionate one. Literally âIâm big and hairy!â In the 00s there was a stereotype(?) that bears were also super-cuddly. I donât know how true it is, but I can confirm every bear Iâve ever met gives amazing hugs. They will readjust your spine, your touch starvation, and your entire outlook on life.
None of this touches on the rather large queer kink communities around âmen in uniform.â Military, police, construction, I canât tell you how many strip nights Iâve been to at a local gay bar with a guy dressed as a sexy firefighter getting absolutely swamped with dollar bills and lap dance requests.
You arenât seeing these men because theyâve been forced out of spaces THEY CREATED. One of the best things you can do is to help bring them back.
Theyâre not threatening, theyâre not disgusting, theyâre not somehow dangerous just by virtue of being open about their sexuality and sexual desire. Theyâre just human beings who human slightly differently than you.
Leather daddies, imho, are fucking around with hypergender performance as much as drag queens. It's two sides of the same coin. Leather daddies literally have beauty pageants.
Also, there's a solid 50% chance that when you talk to those masc-looking leather daddies and bears are just much femme sissies as more femme presenting gay men.
Sincerely, a genderqueer amab bear who dresses like a dad half the time
Your local leather historian here to add a little bit of context to the "this is the fault of the no kink at pride" thing.
The leather community has existed formally (in the United States) since the mid 50s. The Satyr Motorcycle Club was founded in San Francisco in 1954, it is still around today making it the oldest continously run gay organization in the country. This is 15 years before Stonewall. The first gay leather bar, the gold coast, opened in 1958 in Chicago. 11 years before Stonewall. Informally the leather community has existed since the end of wwii when men who had spent years wearing leather, riding motorcycles, and having gay sex came back home and kept doing those things.
Gay men have been arguing about whether or not the leather community belongs at pride since 1970. Since the inception of pride, or more accurately, "Gay Freedom Day." Because the leather community has heavt ties to the SM community. (Whether or not the Leather community is a sub community in the larger SM community, or there's just a lot of overlap is a conversation leathermen have always been having) but there has always been push back because of the tie to radical sex and because of accusations that leathermen are trying to "act straight"
In an essay in Leatherfolk: Radical Sex, People, Politics, and Practice Leatherman Michale Bronski recalls hearing a lesbian tell a gay man "âGive me a break. You think that someone wearing chaps, a black leather jacket, a motorcycle cap, handcuffs on his belt, two different color hankies, and 36 inch high black boots looks Straight!â*
Which brings us to their presentation of masculinity. If you'll excuse me for becoming An Academic(tm) for a moment, if you look at these communities, Leathermen and Bears, what you find is that popular theories of masculinitu don't work when describing these men, at least not when they're in the spaces that the audence that their gender performance is for also exist. Queer masculinity is a performance for queer people, framing it in the lense of heterosexuality does not do anyone any good and erases the nuances of what is happening.
The leather communities are some of the oldest queer communities in America. To push them out of the queer community or suggest that they're toxic, or somehow harming the community as a whole is to ignore history completely, and engage with an argument that's half a century old.
In 1982 leathermen founded AIDS Emergency Fund in San Francisco. Consistently through the first decade of the AIDS Crisis leathermen (and other radical sex communities) were promoting safer sex, and hosting all kinds of fundraisers to raise money for PWAs and reseach (a lot of leather beauty pagents popped up just for the purpose of rasing money.) All this while they were being told BY OTHER GAY MEN they were the ones killing everyone, they and their weird gross sex were the problem (never mind that a lot of what the leathermen were doing was already safer than monogamous anal sex)
Leathermen are your family, we're part of your community and have every right to be here, even if you don't understand our masculinity.
â¤ď¸đ¤đđ¤đđ¤
*none of this even begins touching the surface of the discourse leather lesbians and feminists have been having since the 70s. It's tied to TERF rhetoric and the anti-porn movement.
Historic note on bears: the origin of the community is shouded in myth, but certainly by the late 70s the beginnings of the community were there. The AIDS Crisis shot the community to popularity. Because AIDS will cause incredible weight loss, the eorticization of fat bodies was the eroticiaztion of safe bodies. If you read porn written by bears in the 80s and early 90s you'll notice the use of condoms where in other erotica that is lacking.
As a femme-presenting genderfluid person, I will say, I never feel safer than when I am around bears and leather daddies. Not just because I think they are incredibly hot, but because I know that, generally, they are a safe version of masculinity. Non-toxic, usually. Sure, there are a few bad eggs in there, but for the most part? Theyâre safe people to be around. They tend to be very introspective, and they know that theyâre big and strong and intimidating, so they try their best to make sure the people around them know theyâre not a threat. Im dating a younger, but still very large and hairy and queer, bear, and they have always made sure that I feel safe and loved and respected. Truly wonderful people to be around.
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
janainaart
gummygunk
vaporwave
izzy806
ellievsbear
discoholicmusic
jbbartram-illu
