Judy Chicago’s 1979 piece, The Dinner Party, has stayed with me for many years since I learned of its existence. I was struck at the time by immense hatred of her use of vulvas, as I was in a deep pit of self-loathing and repression of my homosexuality. I was also starving myself, which most likely had something to do with my negative reaction as well. I thought about the piece again, after I had entered eating disorder recovery, during a course called “Gender and Visual Activism”. I was viewing it with fresh, open eyes, and I appreciated its unique medium, message, and use of massive space. I began to think, however, about the women like myself, who fought for either a large part of or their whole lives to not take up any space at the dinner table. Those of us who reveled in the suffering we endured every time we refused to eat, basking in the glow of being the only one at the table who was not eating. I then thought about all of the strange meals that I used to “eat” in order to keep up the façade of normalcy that would keep my parents and others who cared about me off my back. Though my anorexic self would never admit it, I would eat at least a little sometime from time to time – a body cannot exist for long without sustenance after all. So, I took my favorite meals, and those of my close female friends and family that have come out the other end of an eating disorder alive, and put them on a place setting. I wanted to contrast what a normal dinner plate would have upon it and the ridiculous meals that the eating disorder mindset comes up with. I asked myself and others: “What eating disorder were you diagnosed with? What were your “safe” foods? Why did you think they were safe?” I have included some of the answers below in the explanation of each piece.
These photos and this accompanying essay are meant to bring visuality to the feelings that so many women feel while eating: guilt, fear, being out of control, self-hatred. It is also meant to point to the fact that even though all of the women interviewed for this piece are in eating disorder recovery (be it intense outpatient, inpatient, irregular therapy, at any point in their lives), these feelings never leave us. The voice of self-hatred and anger that sparks all of our binges, purges, restrictions may be quieter than it was in the past, but there is always the possibility of it becoming amplified once again. As Blythe Baird puts it in her poem, “Relapse”:
When a friend at dinner makes
a casual comment on calories
the scoreboard in my head illuminates with numbers
again.
I took this poem as an inspiration for the titles of these works. The title of each of the photos is the total calorie count of the meal, courtesy of My Fitness Pal, an app that made anorexics everywhere, myself included, rejoice.
These are photos of an anorexic’s dinner party, sans the dinner (in order):
Fifty-Three. is of a head of lettuce, which is a snack that I myself would eat during lunch in high school along with my friend, Amelia*, who suggested that I choose an undressed salad for lunch, as it has only fifty-three calories. Amelia was later hospitalized for an eating disorder when she reached 87 pounds, as a 16 year old, at 5’5”.
Zero. (Part I) is a cup of tea, another favorite trick of mine and my college roommate, Bella*, to stave off the hunger pangs. Bella has yet to receive treatment for her eating disorder.
Zero. (Part II) is of ice cubes, which was the favorite food of my friend Leah*, when she was starving herself several years ago, before I knew her. The ice is also referencing the tendency for anorexics to be anemic, which causes us to crave ice. I recall all of my anorexic friends and I comparing the bruises we incurred due to the lack of nutrition we were receiving. Leah no longer starves herself and received outpatient treatment for many years until she lost her health insurance.
Seventy-Six. is of Reduced Sodium Chicken Noodle Soup, which was the sole food that my sister, Rachel*, consumed from 2006-2008. Rachel was just 8 years old when she began starving herself, and she got down to 54 pounds. She began medication and psychotherapy in 2009, and currently is not engaging in disordered eating behaviors.
One Thousand, Nine-hundred, & Twenty. is of a dozen donuts, which I used to eat after a meal I deemed “too large”. After having my gallbladder removed because of my untreated eating disorder, my body could no longer digest high-fat foods. Because donuts are so high in fat, I used them as a laxative after binging; I rationalized them because they weren’t pills. I went into intense outpatient treatment shortly after this became a behavior, and haven’t engaged in disordered eating behaviors since 2013.
All photos by Aidan Harley, 2017.
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