The past few days Aislin had graduated or passed her internship, got herself a summer job and had a few good night’s rest. But sleep continued to evade her. Some nights she fell right asleep and awoke refreshed while others she tossed and turned. She wondered if Ana being so distant and secretive was the source. But it was probably the stress of having to rejoin the academic life. She had to somehow get back into higher education and was unsure if she could. So her mind was constantly battling her and it left many sleepless nights in her wake.
Soon she decided being a hermit was too hard and texted Ana in the morning. She had no plans and just wanted to be with Ana. She could have picked a friend but she wanted to be held. If she couldn’t get that she at least wanted to talk with someone that didn’t make her feel like an idiot. After a few exchanges she cleaned up her drawings. It was a first that she wasn’t cleaning up empty bottles of booze or beer cans. She had gone a few days without drinking but it had been hard.
Aislin herd her doorbell ring. She made her way downstairs and made sure to look around. Chloe was always away so she felt like the only person that cleaned the place. She made the cursory final check-up for cobwebs or anything and the flat passed. She didn’t ever want Ana to think she or her sister were gross or lazy. Once she opened the door and saw Ana she smiled. She hadn’t felt this happy in days.
“Come in, Chloe is gone for the day. Probably with her boy toy,” she said. “How are you? Need anything?”
Ana did as she was asked. Aislin suggested they talk and see each other, she couldn’t deny that. With the distance, Ana did miss her but things were still rough lately. The closeness was hard to find again. Maybe it was Ana’s fault for letting things slowly fade, but she was still here trying no matter what she had thought about. She walked her way to Aislin’s, since it wasn’t too far and it was a nice day. Some leather leggings, boots, and a black graphic printed shirt later, she was set for a short walk anyway. She debated on taking Ruby with her but decided against it. Aislin wouldn’t allow her inside with the cat being there. Ana wasn’t a fan of the cat so much either. She approached the door and rang the bell. Normally Ana would walk in, but something told her not to.
Aislin answered the door and Ana half smiled. “Come in, Chloe is gone for the day. Probably with her boy toy,” she lifted her brow teasingly as she entered the house and started removing her shoes. “How are you? Need anything?” Ana looked up at her and shook her head. “Uh, no. I’m actually okay.” She cleared her throat and dropped her boots near the door before sighing. “So you wanted to talk? Plan?” Ana lifted her brows and looked at Aislin with her hands by her sides. After their small text conversation with Aislin worrying about her drinking, she wasn’t sure what had happened after that. Aislin looked tired, but she normally did at times. Her internship was over and Ana had no idea what she had been doing. “Did you… find a job or apply for Bristol University yet?” Ana cleared her throat, the awkward start of a conversation should’ve never been there. Ana was slowly becoming more distant and uncomfortable around Aislin and she couldn’t pin point why.
“Yeah, I did want to talk and not bad stuff,” she said as Ana came in and took her boots off. “Just in general. Like how are you?”
Aislin closed the door and they walked to the couch. She wanted to know what changed. Part of her wondered if it was her and her jealous side wondered if Mac had something to do with it. But it could be Ana. Aislin stayed quiet as Ana asked her questions. She didn’t want this to be about her. She wanted to know about Ana. She wanted to mend whatever was tearing them apart. She licked her lips as she sat down.
“I found a job for the summer,” she said. “I bag and board comics and put the new books in subscription boxes. I never have to deal with customers. Ryan and Brody do that. They’re my bosses,” she said and smiled. “I’ve worked two shifts so far and I like it. How about you? How’s Ruby?”
Aislin looked to Ana, she tried to read her. But she wasn’t very good at reading body language. But she could tell there was something different. Ana usually kissed her or hugged her. Aislin didn’t want to force anything so she stayed passive. She would reciprocate anything but wouldn’t force herself on Ana. She stayed calm even though internally she was screaming for answers. Ana still never said what bothered her. The last time they had been together something happened and Ana pushed her away. But Ana never said why, so Aislin stopped herself from being to clingy.
“I’m glad you came,” she said and put her hand on Ana’s shoulder.
Aislin asked again, even after Ana had mentioned she should talk at this point. “I’m fine. I promise.” This time, she wasn’t lying. Sure, things were still being dealt with but she was okay. Ana followed Aislin toward the couch, she figured they’d sit, talk, and do their usual. Maybe not make food this time around. “I found a job for the summer.” Ana nodded, “Good.” Basically a comic store then. At least she was doing something she liked. Just like the internship but more physical and inspiring. “I’ve worked two shifts so far and I like it. “How about you? How’s Ruby?” Jesus. It was odd having Aislin ask her questions for once. Ana sat her hands in her lap and sighed with a shrug. “Like I said, I’m fine. Ruby’s a little sick. Cold I think.. or allergies.” She shook her head. Ana was still waiting to see which it would be as of yet.
“I thought you had something serious to say to me when you messaged.” Ana looked over at Aislin’s hand on her shoulder. She was slightly worried about her. “That other night… you said you wanted to drink and, well, I was worried.” Ana swallowed. She couldn’t come help. She couldn’t put herself in that position. You just pinned a psychopath against a bar the other night. Yeah, that was why. “Are you okay? With that… I mean, I know you drink heavily but I never thought it was a big issue until lately. Ignorance is bliss I guess.” Since she had gone to rehab and been out, Ana had learned to see the signs she needed to notice. Patterns, just like Jayden had said. Avoid the bad and keep the good. Lately, she didn’t know where Aislin sat. It was always a different story when they met.
“I believe you and sorry I worry,” she said. “Oh I didn’t know dogs could get sick. I mean it makes sense. Well I hope she feels better.”
“Oh? The other night…” she said softly. “You helped, I promise and I’ve been good. I mean sober. Uh but I haven’t slept much.”
Aislin said and she knew she was avoiding what she wanted to talk about. Them. What were they? Would they ever be the same? Part of her felt like Ana wanted to be free. But that was her small green jealous side. She ignored that little voice so she listened to Ana question her drinking and ignorance to it. She didn’t want to talk about it but she knew eventually they should. She bit her lip nervously hoping to change the subject.
“I’ll be fine, I uhm Ana,” she said and looked to her. “Are we okay? After the other time? When you pushed me away? Do you want me to like… piss off?”
Aislin hated putting it that way but she also didn’t want to force herself on Ana. If Ana didn’t want her she wasn’t going to force it. She loved Ana, she always would but she felt like Ana didn’t feel the same way. She ignored any little voice that said she was second place. But she knew after being pushed away they needed to talk. She needed to rip the band-aid off and quick. Either the wound healed and they continued to be together and happy or it got infected and Aislin took care to remedy the situation. She couldn’t keep pretending.
“I understand if you do,” she said softly. “I just want you to be happy.”
“You helped, I promise and I’ve been good. I mean sober. Uh but I haven’t slept much.” Ana nodded and kept her eyes on Aislin. It was obvious she hadn’t slept much… she didn’t know what could keep her up or why she hadn’t gotten help. Maybe she suffered from anxiety and didn’t know it? People dealt with it all the time. She didn’t want to suggest getting help. The last time she did, Aislin didn’t even consider it. Now she nervously played with her fingers. “I’ll be fine, I uhh Ana… Are we okay? After the other time? When you pushed me away? Do you want me to like… piss off?” She started pressing her hands together nervously. No… maybe.. yes? No. “I understand if you do. I just want you to be happy.”
“No.. that… that wasn’t because of you.” I guess you need to tell her now, don’t you? Ana rubbed the side of her head. She really didn’t want Aislin to know this. The thought of it again was an awful. Knowing Aislin would have to know now, would also be a completely new thing she’d have to deal with. Here it goes. “At therapy I found out a few things… from my past that I-I never knew. Well, I knew I just chose not to remember.” Ana swallowed, her throat felt like it had a huge stone in it. “My father he… uh..” It was harder to say than she thought. Jayden had asked, Mac had known, and Aislin was clueless. “He uh..” She shook her head and closed her eyes before Ana ran her hands through her hair. “He didn’t just abuse me physically.” She figured that was enough. Ana didn’t want to say it out loud again.
“I’m… dealing with it.” Ana took a deep breath in and felt herself still shaking her head. “And if you have to know, I’ve been intimate with Mac. I don’t know why it works, but it does. So far… We tried a few things and I had to stop her too, but it’s to get me back on track.” It was embarrassing, at least to Ana. She never wanted to remember this. She never wanted to deal with it, but she had to.
“I know it’s not me, we covered that but I don’t want to force this if you don’t want it,” she said.
Aislin wasn’t sure how to explain it. She didn’t want it to seem selfish but she was afraid what they had was over. She sat there in the silence before Ana spoke. As the words came out and her brain registered what Ana said she sat there. Partially in shock because if Ana was saying what she thought it was quite the bomb. Aislin covered her mouth and gasped. She didn’t want Ana to be any more uncomfortable and she wasn’t sure how to comfort her.
“Oh wow, I get it now,” she said.
It all made sense, the push and the lies. Who would want anyone to know such a thing? She was sure she would have done the same thing. Lie about it or try to hide it. She reached out for Ana to take her hand. Aislin didn’t grab her hand she just left it open. She looked to Ana and she didn’t care about what she and Mac had done. For once the little jealousy bug wasn’t nipping away trying to make her hate herself. She felt her heart beat slower and she wished she knew what to say.
“I feel like a right knob,” she said. “I get it now, all of it. I’m sorry for trying to push you away, I thought it’s what you wanted. I’ll be here for you. We don’t have to do anything, we can listen to music or whatever but I want you to know I’m here in anyway.”
Aislin hoped she hadn’t overstepped her bounds or said the wrong thing. She wanted to be supportive and she also didn’t want Ana to feel bad about it. She knew she couldn’t take away the pain. But she wanted to not toss her aside because of it. She hoped Ana understood that and if Ana wanted her to not be there than she would have to deal with that. It would be hard but they had broken up before and she survived.
And a gasp. She felt like an idiot even if she knew she shouldn’t have. Just like she expected, Aislin wouldn’t take this quietly. Ana saw her hand flat and open to take, she didn’t want to. She had enough hand holding and crying over the subject. Now it just felt painful to talk about. It was embarrassing and Ana always felt pathetic now. Every time she saw Mac make that face of concern and now the same look that Aislin was giving her now. The fact that she gasped like that… Ana felt chills up her spine now. Very uncomfortable, sharp pins all along her skin. “I feel like a right knob.” Ana stayed quiet and kept her eyes down at her thumbs. “I know. You’re here. Thank you.” She didn’t need to talk about this any more. It wasn’t a subject that needed to linger around like that.
“It’s not just that.” Ana started picking at her nails. It was so hard to act like this was working. She loved their last time together, but half of it had been rough. She didn’t want to cause Aislin to go overboard. What if she did leave and Aislin started drinking even more again? What if something worse happened? What if she was already over you? Ana had to stop herself from chewing on her nails. At least her self control was getting better. Now she mostly felt angry. “I.. what are we doing anymore? It doesn’t feel right. Nothing feels right.” She shook her head. Nothing beside one thing. “I feel like shit half the time and are we not on the same page anymore? It feels that way. I cant describe it any other way.” Ana finally looked up at Aislin.
“I think before we do anything rash we figure out what the problem is,” she said as she brought her hand back.
She figured Ana wouldn’t want to talk about what happened and she was sure if they had Aislin would have continued to make an arse of herself. The realization just had been like a punch in the gut and honestly if she could take back her reaction she could. She knew that when she saw Ana chew her nails. Ana had said she felt like shit and things weren’t working. But she didn’t say what wasn’t working. Aislin wanted to know what was broken here. All the worst thoughts came into her head.
“I think we can figure this out if we talk and well… that is why I sent the text,” she said as she rubbed her hands. “I noticed the distance but it was after we made diner. But before that it felt right. It felt oh so right Gunnarsson.”
She made sure to not make it about her because that had cause the small fight. Then Ana had kept the information about her father back rightfully so and it caused the strain. Aislin needed Ana to know that she was willing to work through this no matter the outcome. But she would fight for them if she had to. She sat up and moved a little closer.
“Remember the dancing? Remember our holidays? Maybe we need that, just us time with no work or other people. No stress or concerns, I think we need a bit of mindless fun. What we had isn’t gone but it is just needs a kick in the arse.”
Aislin felt her heart racing and she also felt like she had no land to stand on. Maybe this little thing they had wasn’t meant to be. Maybe all the words Ana had said were lies and maybe Aislin was the liar. Maybe that was the case. She was confused but she didn’t tear up nor her lip quiver. She stayed level headed because acting like a child would do nothing. They needed this talk more than ever.
“I think we can figure this out if we talk and well… that is why I sent the text,” Ana was already feeling guilty the moment she spoke the truth. “I noticed the distance but it was after we made diner. But before that it felt right. It felt oh so right Gunnarsson.” Ana chewed the inside of her lip. She didn’t know what to say. Yes, it was nice but after it didn’t change. Ana kept trying to take one step forward with her then it would be two steps back. Aislin moved closer and Ana kept her hands in her lap. She didn’t want to be smothered by hands on hands or an unneeded hug. She mostly wanted Aislin to understand that this wasn’t working right now. Maybe there didn’t need to be a reason. It was simply how she felt. Rehab cleared her head of a lot of things, including what was toxic and what wasn’t. Ana knew something about this dance they were doing wasn’t keeping her floating much.
“Remember the dancing? Remember our holidays? Maybe we need that, just us time with no work or other people. No stress or concerns, I think we need a bit of mindless fun. What we had isn’t gone but it is just needs a kick in the are.” Ana slowly shook her head. “The thing is… I don’t want to go on an adventure. I don’t want mindless fun. I don’t. I’ve been trying to push my life forward. I’ve been trying to do a lot of things and that includes making this thing we have work.” Ana looked up and sighed under her breath. Her hand went through her hair. She knew the outcome of leaving or saying the wrong thing. Aislin would turn to alcohol. It was what she did. “I don’t want to be the reason you end up in the hospital, so please listen when I say this is my fault. I don’t know what to do about this and I… I don’t know if it’s working anymore.”
“This can’t be happening,” she whispered.
Aislin was shaking as she held back a scream. She wasn’t good enough and Ana was too afraid to say it. Aislin looked at her, Aislin’s eyes were becoming red. Ana never loved Aislin it was all liies. She was just a toy, a distraction and now she was being tossed aside. She had just been used and it felt like her heart was being torn out. She didn’t know what changed except for Ana realizing she had been assaulted. Aislin had worked on not drinking and she was lesss clingy. What more did she want? She wanted to scream at Ana.
“Why? There has to be a reason. Unless the reason is you never cared in the first place. Oh how many lies have you fed me Ana?” Aislin’s voice cracked. “Oh I promise to never break your heart again” she said in a mocking tone.
Aislin shot up and started pacing. All the worst thoughts all her anger and self-doubt. The jealouse bubbled within her. How could she? Aislin had compromised her own monogomus life to try for Ana. She went against her own values and for what? Heart break, real good promise being kept. Not. Aislin was breathing harshly through her nostrils and her hands were balled into fists. She wanted to punch the wall or someone’s face. She closed her eyes and breathed out.
“I’m not some plaything that you can manipulate until you’re bored,” she hissed. “I thought you cared, I completed the internship I’m not drinking as much. I got a job and I’m going to uni and you know what. Maybe I never needed you in the first place. I hope you have fun, going to Mya next have her fall for you and then tear the rug from under her feet? Or is it another poor soul that will have a knife in their back because of you.”
“Why? There has to be a reason. Unless the reason is you never cared in the first place. Oh how many lies have you fed me Ana?” Now she was angry. Aislin was going to spit venom like she had before. Aislin could say all she wanted that she would do anything to have them work but instead, it didn’t seem that way. The minute Ana expressed something, even the truth it backfired. “Oh I promise to never break your heart again.” The mocking was hurtful. Ana knew she would break that promise. The entire relationship had been broken from the start. Aislin started pacing and Ana gripped her hands together. The fact that the slender girl in front of her looked like she wanted to take a fist to Ana’s face really made her feel unwelcome here. She spit out more words. Never cared. Manipulated. “…I hope you have fun, going to Mya next have her fall for you and then tear the rug from under her feet? Or is it another poor soul that will have a knife in their back because of you.”
Ana stood up and shook her head in disbelief. One minute, Aislin was begging for them to work, the next she was on a rampage of hate. “How dare you say I never cared… how dare you say that…” She shook her head again and stared at Aislin. “I’m telling you the truth. Something’s wrong here. This… this is you being hateful. I didn’t manipulate you. I tried to make this work. I tried to do what I could but it’s always about you isn’t it? No matter what I do, it’s always about you. Everything.” Ana swallowed when she felt her throat tighten. “I’m not gonna sit here and have you speak to me like this. You know I cared. You know I would’ve done anything to help you, but when I say how I’m feeling about us you shoot off like a fucking gun. Maybe you’re right. Maybe you never needed me to do all the things you’ve accomplished, but you can’t keep blaming other people for your problems. You have to grow up sometime Aislin, which is why this hasn’t worked. You made your own decisions, I never forced anything on you. But believe what you want. I’m not sticking around for this.” Ana grabbed her jacket and put it on quickly.
“I’m mad because you act aloof and now we found the problem,” she said.
Her hands loosened up but she was still hurt. She listened to Ana and wished she had answers. Maybe Liv was right, they weren’t on the wrong page they were both reading two different books. She stood there and felt her face get hot as tears trickled down her cheeks. Ana grabbed her coat and pushed passed Aislin. Aislin stood there before she turned and ran after Ana. She knew she wouldn’t stop so she ran ahead and was thankful she had been working out lately.
“I fucked up Ana and I know sorry means nothing,” she said. “I don’t hate you and I don’t want those words to be our last. I’m an idiot and I’ll just stop because I do need to grow up and maybe… Maybe this isn’t our time but I do think we have something well had now…”
Aislin wiped the tear from her cheek. She knew this wouldn’t save anything but she would be damned if their last words were hurtful. She hadn’t ever noticed her behavior, no one had ever pointed it out. She wondered what else was wrong. She knew the words could never be forgotten and she wondered if that day in rehab had she just left and never tried to contact Ana. Maybe it would have been for the best.
“I’ll go now but I still love you and maybe one day we’ll bump into each other. Maybe then…” she said and looked away.
She was too ashamed to even look at Ana. She felt sick and confused. She wondered if moving would help. Stop relying on her sister. Maybe then she could change. She thought of Oxford, someone once said it had a good art program. She chewed her lip and looked to Ana, if she was even there. Her mind lingered to the hidden bottle of whiskey in her dresser. She had to stay strong and just hope Ana didn’t hate her because she hated herself.
“I don’t hate you and I don’t want those words to be our last. I’m an idiot and I’ll just stop because I do need to grow up and maybe… Maybe this isn’t our time but I do think we have something well had now…” Ana stopped and turns around in aggravation. Again, the switch. Now Aislin was back to groveling. She was crying and wishing she didn’t say what she said. Well, it was too late now. Ana didn’t want to keep getting back together and breaking up like they had been. It would be better if Ana never dated. She couldn’t do it. She couldn’t get monogamy right and probably never would anyway. So why bother anymore?
“Don’t give yourself hope on us. Do something for yourself. Work on it, Aislin.” Ana sighed. She didn’t want to fight anymore. She didn’t want to keep up this act of listening to all her problems back and forth. The magic was gone now. All of it was gone. Ana turned and put her boots on quickly before she walked to the door and said goodbye under her breath. It didn’t hurt. None of it did. Ana had felt she mourned this relationship back when she was in rehab. It felt like it was a long time coming anyway. Aislin could do better. She could find someone to make her happy and Ana could work on herself. Aislin needed to work on herself too. The both weren’t on the same level anymore. Maybe they never were on the same level in the first place.
