Aixelathefool

I've been a ghost on every platform I've ever been on, as my biggest fear (yet dearest wish) is being seen by others. I don't know how you've stumbled here, but welcome to my little corner

[aixelathefool]

Hello!

I've never had a social media before, so...this is new for me, this whole speaking out into the void.

I've been writing Harry Potter fanfictions (drarry) for a bit, though. My fics are more introspective/character-driven.

My AO3 and Wattpad accounts. Go check them out if that's your cup of tea!

Otherwise, more about me:

I'm bilingual, so I'm fluent in French and English (oui, oui, watch mon frenglish)

I study in cinema

I'm ace and demiromantic

I have ADHD

...and that's all for now

[aixelathefool]

More clouds ☁️

[aixelathefool]

I've relapsed in my internet addiction

Ah, proof that this post I made on advice to get off your phone was NOT written from an ivory tower: I am starting over, again!

I started my summer job, and I've been exhausted enough that I went back to following all my impulses, with no intentionality in how I spend my free time at all. It's making me feel worse, and furthermore, it's not how I want my summer to go. The good thing is that I can start over at any time: even in the middle of the day. 

SO, let's do this! First step: a force reset, something that will pull the breaks on my automatic, mindless behavior. For me, that means blocking my phone for the next few hours, this way I'm not continuing to tumble down without end.

Second step: resetting my physical space. I’ve been neglecting myself and my environment, and it shows. Having a nice space makes me more likely to want to be intentional. Plus, let’s remember: movement gathers momentum! Even a small action can start the chain of energy. On the other hand, inertia only brings stillness. To change something, you have to change something.

Third step: reintroducing structure and planning in my life. For today, as it's the weekend, a simple to-do list will do. But for tomorrow, I'll have to make up a routine that both fits my needs and my urges, so it's not overly permissive (to the point I relapse again) but also not so restrictive that I can't actually complete it (and thus relapse again). It's a fine line to balance—which my ADHD makes thinner still. Knowing yourself makes this much easier. 

A morning routine (for me) starts the night before. Tonight, I’ll block my phone so I don’t have access to it all morning, and I’ll put it in my living room. Having the first few hours of my day phone free tends to set the tone and means I start off in the right direction.  Then, for after work, it’s IMMEDIATELY in the shower, no sitting down. If I do, I’m not getting back up. Then, maybe a good 30 minutes of screentime. Afterward, it’s dinner, chill time, and an hour of screentime before an early bedtime (I wake up early). 

I’ll post tomorrow to see how this goes. See you then!

[aixelathefool]

I decided to start to try digital drawing! This is my first few sketches (don't mock, I am a beginner at this)

We'll see how (if) I evolve

[aixelathefool]

I posted the sixth chapter of my childhood Drarry fic A Little Seashell and a Small Captain

G, WIP

Summary: Harry was a lonely eight-year-old boy. When summer came around, the Dursleys left him with Mrs. Figg while they went on a trip. Harry expected a week of boredom, but then, he met a blond boy who changed everything.

Excerpt:

Glancing over his shoulder, he said, “Don’t laugh.” His voice was all serious and firm, as if this was very, very important. 

Harry nodded. He wouldn’t laugh—he knew it didn’t feel nice to be mocked. 

Seemingly convinced by this, Draco grabbed Harry’s hand and brought him to the center of the room to sit down on the rug. Taking a deep breath, the boy put the sketchbook down in front of them. 

Harry gasped, as it wasn’t what he was expecting at all. He figured it would look a bit like Dudley’s ugly drawings on the fridge—full of bold shapes and colour—but less ugly of course. Instead, it was black and grey, with blended gradients and all. 

“That’s you, see?” Draco pointed, voice quiet for once. “And that’s Mr. Mushroom. Do you like it, Harry?” 

But Harry couldn’t take his eyes off of the drawing. He’d been drawn by Draco. And it wasn’t to make fun of him, or his hair, scars, glasses, clothes. It was actually nice, and before he knew it, he was smiling. 

“You drew this? It’s so cool!” He leaned closer to the other boy to get a better look. 

When he finally looked up, he saw relief on Draco’s face, which quickly shifted to smugness. “I know, right? I take classes after school, so I can learn all the hard stuff. Mother says I have a natural talent,” he started to babble.

“You really do,” he answered softly, because Draco was very talented, maybe the most talented. He’d drawn him, and it was maybe the first time he’d ever seen himself this way. Was this how Draco saw him? Before he could go on rambling, Harry cut him off. “Why were you upset when I wasn’t there, Draco?” 

For once, that made Draco pause. His brows furrowed, and his face made a complicated set of small changes. “Why would you ask that?” 

[aixelathefool]

A few skies

[aixelathefool]

Poem #19

It is hard

to gather the lines, the wool

Upon paper, to make this sky

Of watercolour, soon 

There will be nothing in sight

It is harder

To be faced with the tide

Another lonely cloud

Of another lonely sky

They accumulate and raise a storm

Where the stars blink and fall

Asleep in their arms

Cradled in their arms…

[aixelathefool]

ADHD Summer Diary #4

Is being dirty immoral? 

I’ll tell you a little anecdote to illustrate this dilemma: during my first year of college, I decided to move in with some friends. I was barely 17 years old, and I had barely ever cleaned. My mother’s home was a constant mess, and I was never shown how to clean, nor was I ever taught the structure that’s necessary to keep up with the mess.  

So, with all my hopes strapped to my back, I thought I could learn. Why not? new environment, new me. For months, I did my best—but, shocker, I had not become, overnight, a new person. I struggled, particularly during the week when I felt so tired from school. On the weekend, I would scrub and tidy for hours, trying to make up for my “laziness”. 

And, having roommates was a lot more stressful than I’d imagined. I was always scared of letting them down, which made cleaning a task I wanted to avoid even more because of how many feelings were tied to it. I knew they were frustrated with me, that they resented me more and more, but I couldn’t stop it. The more they hated me, the more disorganized I became. 

In any case, by the end of that year, I had lost all of my friends. 

Plainly put, I was too much to deal with. Not only did they not want to live with me anymore—which I get, sure—but they didn’t want to have me in their lives at all. It was a heartbreak, and it made me question everything that I knew about myself. 

Was a bad person, actually? If nobody wants me, then there must be something wrong with me. Yet, part of me knew it was more complicated than that. 

So, is being unclean immoral? It’s not like anyone wants to live like this. It’s more comfortable for everyone to have a neat environment. But, cleaning is not (contrary to popular assumption) instinctual. We’re not born with the reflex to wash the dishes after a meal. Additionally, this standard for how clean you’re supposed to be comes from an assumption about abilities. Everyone should be able…except, not everyone is. And that failure, no matter the actual explanation, is your fault. 

Worst, in a hyper-individualized environment, your mess is your mess. Asking for help is akin to burdening others, who also don’t like cleaning. No help is for free, everything gets written on the scoreboard of “who does more”. 

Ironically, when I moved out and was able to live with another person who had ADHD and struggled like I did, I was finally able to get better. The mess isn’t just something to resent me for, it’s something to conquer together. And I started to want to clean for her as much as for me. When I’m more tired, she picks up the slack to help me, for free, with no scoreboard. 

In my former living situation, I didn’t get the support I needed, which isn’t their fault, but isn’t mine either.

[aixelathefool]

Poem #18

“Little girl, listen close,

You are no fuller for being grown

You’ll grow accustomed to the space

The sunder, the crevice, the emptiness

You were born inside your head

Echoes and void in place of a body

As your mother was born

The hollow souls that search for the part

Left to yearn for the unknown

As a need and vessel 

As your father was born 

You are no fuller for having grown

You find ways to live empty, 

Little girl, you’ll see

Hollow souls can be happy.”

[aixelathefool]

“The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned Harry his longest-ever punishment.”

— Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone , Chapter 3

Do you remember How long it felt To be alive As a child? 

It Was Just a Week , T, 4k

Summary: At ten years old, Harry was locked in a cupboard for a week.

[aixelathefool]

Waking up early, looking out from my balcony

(A little bird was taking a bath)

[aixelathefool]

Poem #17

Sometimes, the feathers

Of the flock bend

And bleed among the clear

Blue sky 

The bird picks

At the remnants 

Of pale, soft skin

In the cloudy rain

Whose to blame…?

Falters and tumble

Splash like a drop

In the thick water of the sea

The hunter or the blood? 

[aixelathefool]

I posted the fifth chapter of my childhood Drarry fic A Little Seashell and a Small Captain

G, WIP

Summary: Harry was a lonely eight-year-old boy. When summer came around, the Dursleys left him with Mrs. Figg while they went on a trip. Harry expected a week of boredom, but then, he met a blond boy who changed everything. Excerpt:

He didn’t need nice things. He didn’t care that Draco wasn’t there. Harry had his Mr. Redcoat and his cupboard. He had his scraps, which was all he should have.

What was the point of dreaming of what he couldn’t have? 

Yet, the bubbling in his chest seemed to fade into mist, which lingered in his throat. He crawled the few meters, and picked up the bear, wiping the mud from its cheek with the edge of his shirt. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled, looking into its gleaming black eyes. 

It wasn’t the toy’s fault Harry was Harry. It hadn’t done anything wrong. It’d just been mistakenly given into his hands, and his care. 

Maybe Harry should give it back? 

Clearly, he couldn’t take care of it like Draco had wanted. So, he should give it back. 

He stood a little straighter, the decision settling on his shoulders. Yes, the more he thought about it, the more logical it became. 

[aixelathefool]

How to actually get off your phone

For people with no "willpower"

Quick context: my phone has been my constant companion since I was 7 years old, and I’ve been trying to change since I was 12 years old. I’m an adult now, so I’ve been dealing with this for a long time. 

I haven’t figured out everything, but I have tried many tips and tricks. Here’s my curated list of 10 practical, applicable advice:

Identify your type of internet addiction 

Take a good look at what you actually do on your phone. What apps do you use? In what way? 

There’s two patterns of internet addiction I’ve noticed: passive content consumption addiction, and active social media addiction.

If you: spend hours on youtube, scrolling tiktoks, tumblr posts, tweets, pinterest pictures… you have passive internet addiction.

If you: post constantly, multiple times a day, check stats, likes, comments, and always chats or texts people… you have active social media addiction. 

You might also have a mix of both, but it’s worth seeing how and why you use your phone. What need are you trying to fill? What urge is driving you?

2. Be okay with constantly starting over

We often like to jump from 100% to 0%; from 8 hours of screen time to 1 hour. We impose impossible standard, and then get demotivated when it (unsurprisingly) fails. 

Progress isn’t about a binary success/fail, or about the length of your streak of successes. Instead, it’s about trajectory: the direction of your behavior—whether you have more good days than before, better good days, longer, with shorter lapse between. 

You will fail, you can’t rewire years of behavioral reinforcement immediately. Be ready to start over, again, and again. 

(Have an emergency force reset for lapse, so you immediately get back on track. This could be: giving your phone to someone else, blocking your phone, going outside, writing down what exactly happened, even just getting up and away from it to drink some water. Simply put, take a step back into intentionally.)

Measure your progress not as a streak, but as a direction. 

3. Go analog, but mindfully 

Think about what phone use you could realistically replace with an analog object. We don’t want just mindless purchases that will just create more clutter and guilt.

For example, a purchase that made a big difference for me: an alarm clock. I don’t have to have my phone in my bedroom anymore. And as a bad example: I bought a dumb phone, and it doesn’t work for me (I mostly use it for music, so I could have just bought an MP3 player).

Other analog examples: kitchen timer, cookbook, journal or notebook, calendar or planner, DVD player. 

Give yourself less reasons to reach for your phone.

4. Create an impractical homebase for your phone

Move your charger to a spot far enough from your bed or your couch that you can’t comfortably use your phone there. I personally put it in a drawer next to my TV. And then, before bed or when you’re doing something else, put your phone in its little home. 

Increase friction between you and your phone; make your life less easy. 

5. Blockers

If you’re used to being on your phone all day and you decide to stop, you’ll have to constantly stop the urge. So, instead of having to make the right decision a thousand times, make it only once by using a blocker. 

Specifically, I use one that doesn’t allow me to disable it (or rather, I can if I pay real money) called Digital Detox. Another option would be to use a blocker that requires a password that only another person knows, or generally one that can't easily be bypassed. 

You can also use blockers to block specific functions in apps (like youtube shorts or instagram reels). I use Stayfree.

Give yourself less chances to make the wrong choice. 

6. Include screen time in your schedule 

Automatic, mindless screen time is really the problem here. That’s when it goes from enjoyable to harmful. So, if you’re someone that already likes schedules, I suggest scheduling screentime. BUT, schedule for who you are, not who you wish you were.

Plan for when you know you’ll want your phone (during meals, after work, before bed, etc.) I also recommend shorter periods, more often, not one big session (avoids the urges accumulating into a binge, and also avoids becoming too absorbed to stop). 

Make your screen time more intentional.

7. Plan for your no-screen time

What do people even do without internet? If you spend 6-8 hours on it, your impulses are all wired for your phone; you won’t feel tempted by much else. If you stop a habit, you need to replace it. 

Plan for what you’ll do during these no-screen time, or plan blocks of time (moving time, art time, chill time) to divide the hours.

And if you find that you have no motivation or concentration for the usual activities and hobbies, prepare smaller task that won’t feel as daunting to start: plan an outfit, clean a corner, drink water, lay down, look outside your window, listen to music, play with your pet, step outside, breathe for a moment, etc. 

Rediscover boredom. Give yourself time and grace to relearn yourself and the world.

8. Be less available 

Even if the world has normalized it, it’s not healthy to constantly be available. It means that you reach for your phone to check messages, constantly. If no one told you: you’re allowed to not answer a text immediately.

Warn other people, plan for when you’ll check your messages, or plan time when you turn off notification. Your friends, partner, family, coworkers, they'll survive.

Give yourself the peace to not be tied to your phone.

9. Because it’ll feel better

Why do you want to get off your phone? If it’s for someone, or for productivity, it’ll be much harder to get the habit to stick.

Instead, I suggest building a library of moments to remind yourself, intrinsically, why you prefer it. In the moment, be mindful of how it feels to be off your phone.

When you feel demotivated, pull a moment from your library of memories, and remind yourself that it just feels better. 

10. Build a system

No trick can change your life. There’s no secret remedy to internet addiction. Instead, you should experiment and get to know what system of tricks work for you. There’s many failure points, so you need to find ways to address each when the time comes. 

During the work week, while I’m already following a schedule, I also schedule screentime. On the weekend, I’ll just block it for half the day, but still schedule phoneless activities. If one day I feel like bringing my phone with me to bed, then I make sure to block it so I can’t use it the next morning.

You see my point: no one trick works at all time. You have to create a system that encourages positive change over time.

The goal is to reach for intentionality, not necessarily complete abstinence.

~~~

Do you guys have more tips for lowering screentime?

[aixelathefool]

Poem #16

Cradle my cuts

With your dull knife

Scoop my fears up

Show them off until they cry 

Tuck my dreams in real tight

And close the door 

Another soft goodbye

Locking it all behind

“It’ll be okay,

Just don’t open your eyes.”

[aixelathefool]

Poem #15

We distract, attract positivity 

We say: today will be a good day

Manifesting and praying 

Baby, it’s our time

We know the truth in our hope

We will protect our worth

(We ignore and barricade

Burnout, overwhelmed 

Addicted, overstimulated 

The bombs going off

Over and over

Off in our heads

Again and again)

There will be good today :)

[aixelathefool]

I posted the fourth chapter of my childhood Drarry fic A Little Seashell and a Small Captain

G, WIP

Summary: Harry was a lonely eight-year-old boy. When summer came around, the Dursleys left him with Mrs. Figg while they went on a trip. Harry expected a week of utter boredom, but then, he met a blond boy who would change everything. Excerpt:

Now that Mrs. Figg had gone to bed, Harry finally took the little teddy bear out of his bag. He put him down, sitting next to Mr. Redcoat. 

He was a very pretty teddy bear, with a bowtie and clean brown fur. Nice and fluffy. He didn’t even squeak when you pressed on his chest. It was a nice toy—too nice. 

He remembered once, when he had just entered first grade, a group of boys were sitting in a circle, showing off their toys. Harry had wanted to join them, but they said he had to share one too. 

So, he took Mr. Redcoat out of his bag, and they all laughed. 

Harry liked his toy, even if no one else did. The squirrel was ugly, a misfit; a freak, really. It would have been thrashed if he hadn’t saved him. He was unwanted by everyone. 

“Don’t laugh at him, Mr. Mushroom,” he whispered in the dark, caressing the head of his squirrel. “You have to get along. I know you don’t want to be with us, but…you are, so that’s that, okay?”

The bear seemed scared at that, looking at him with wide, black eyes. 

Harry frowned. “I’m not mad, Mr. Mushroom,” he reassured, petting his head, too.