The problem, as I see it, is that many people (across the spectrum of sexuality) equate sex with intimacy, often so strongly that sex becomes the only form of intimacy that there is, and that the phrase “being intimate with your partner” is understood as a euphemism for sex.
Once you separate those two concepts, a LOT more possibilities come into view, because in actuality, sex is just one of many possible ways of satisfying a hunger for intimacy. Some people feed that hunger by snuggling, or hair-washing, or other forms of non-sexual physical contact. Some people fill it with shared activities and hobbies, like playing video games or board games or doing a puzzle or going hiking or taking a class together or chilling at the library. Some people fill it by talking for hours or sharing secrets they’d never tell anyone else, either in person or online. Some people fill it with small acts of service, like cooking for someone or bringing them flowers. Some people fill it with just sitting together in companionable, comfortable silence. All of these can be intimacy.
This is how sexual and asexual people can have happy, fulfilling relationships with each other – it just requires more conversations about what the two of you specifically need to mutually feel like you’re thriving in the relationship. That answer is going to be different for every single person – and that is a wonderful and joyful opportunity to explore your options and get to know yourself better! There’s no rulebook! If you feel happy and satiated afterwards (or “peaceful” or “energized” or whatever label you’d put on the Good feeling after getting this need met), then you’re doing it right.
Also – note that intimacy does not equal “romance” either. If you have a particular coworker you gossip with, that’s an intimacy you’re sharing with that person. If hugging your mom or grandma makes you feel particularly comforted and safe, that’s an intimacy you have with her. If there’s a friend you tell good news to before anyone else, that’s an intimacy you have with that person. By expanding your definition of “intimacy” far beyond sex and romance, you start to see all these small moments of connection you’re having with MANY different people in MANY different varieties of relationship. The more you can learn to appreciate and value those connections, the more enriched your life will be. Congratulations, you’re a member of a social species!
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