Alaska Lily

Don't let fear control you.

[alaskalily]

No

I was wrong

I have changed,

And so has that part of me

I don't miss him

Because I don't want him again

I don't miss being with him

I miss being in love

[04.21.23]

[alaskalily]

How can I be so different

See the world differently

Think about the world differently

Understand the world differently

And yet a part of me still misses him

Even though I've changed completely

Even though I know it was a catastrophe

Why can't I change that part of me

If hindsight is 20/20

Why is my still heart blind

[04.21.23]

[alaskalily]

03.17.20

I'm feeling more grey than I ever have before.

But this time I'm accepting it.

Rather than treading through navy blue,

I'm drifting away in grey.

Because nothing is black and white,

Only shades of confusion and suffering.

[alaskalily]

09.03.19

If there's nothing we can do right now, then don't worry. Enjoy this moment of tranquility. Then, when chaos does come, flow with it and use it to your advantage.

[alaskalily]

06.24.19

I’ve fallen into mental turmoil.

My research project.

My debt.

My dreams.

I can feel myself slowly slipping into madness.

I want to run away from everything.

My instincts are telling me to get the hell away.

but I can’t.

The world is too complicated and I can’t seem to get a grip.

I can’t describe it.

But until my debt is gone I am stuck.

And that thought terrifies me.

[alaskalily]

Ticking Down

Time marches on.

Each second matching the pulse of what remains of my heart.

Time has consumed me.

I contemplate the construct of what drives the human race,

An illusion that dictates reality.

IT makes me all too aware of every second.

IT's different now,

Uncloaked,

Revealing IT's physicalities to me.

IT used to be a lingering presence,

Mocking in the silence,

Now IT is next to me always.

I puzzle over the changes,

IT tells me my time is ticking down,

Not marching on.

I wonder how much remains.

I've begged IT to tell me,

But IT only chuckles,

Wrapping IT's fingers around the fragments of my heart,

I can feel it destroying them.

I only wish to tell you,

To have someone know the torment,

The physical manifestation of my flaws.

But when I go to reach out,

IT stops me,

And I erase what I said,

Alone in my troubles with IT.

Madness is creeping on me like a shadow,

I find myself screaming in the night,

IT pushes me back to my dark comfort zone,

Encouraging another hit,

Another cut,

Another pill.

IT distorts my thin film of reality.

IT was deterred by you.

I cry out for your presence,

Plead forgiveness and change,

Save me from what I've worked to forget.

IT whispers for me to isolate,

Infecting me with false notions of security,

Promising once I'm utterly alone,

To tell me IT's name.

I'm clinging to you,

Hoping you can deter him,

And give me more time.

ALM

[alaskalily]

Overthinking

It can start with something simple.

Like not getting a kiss goodbye or not receiving a text back.

Little things that could easily be shrugged off. 

But in the time of absence, 

A stealth attack is performed.

Maybe he’s mad at you.

It’s a whisper, barely there,

but the whisper rotates in my mind.

Gaining momentum, 

thought…

after…

thought…

Progressing until a hurricane whirls,

destroying everything I’ve worked for.

All in a matter of moments.

It settles, reducing to a mere drizzle,

then the voice whispers,

Your thoughts are justified.

Speed picks up, heat rising,

Devastation on the molecular level.

Until I find shelter.

“Sorry I fell asleep, I love you.”

ALM

[alaskalily]

Before I was always walking on thin ice.

But when I'm with you, there are mountains beneath our feet.

And that is beautiful.

ALM

[alaskalily]

I hate this raw feeling inside me.

ALM

[alaskalily]

When we first met you changed me.

You were the type of person that I wanted to be.

A person that I fell in love with.

I became a person I loved as a result of that.

But now you've changed.

And as a result of that I've changed too.

And now I don't know what to do.

ALM

[alaskalily]

Right when I hit rock bottom and I was fucked over you left.

As if being locked in a psychiatric hospital would actually help me feel better.

And getting out to find out you were angry and refusing to acknowledge me.

Leaving someone when they need you the most.

That’s fucked up isn’t it?

And it hurts.

Knowing that I couldn’t rely on you after all. 

That when I needed you the most, you fled and said,

“hey, when you get your shit together I’ll come back.”

Even though you were the one who was supposed to help me get my shit together.

ALM

[alaskalily]

Substance Dependency and You

I loved him when I was drunk.

Every aspect of him falling like puzzle pieces, specifically designed to coincide with mine.  And saying I love you because you felt that completion, but regretting it because saying it so early always feels like a mistake.

I loved him when I was high.

Because his touch made my body electric, but I cannot decipher if it was him or the drugs I had consumed.  And sex with him was the best I’ve ever had, but what defines best?

I loved him when I wasn’t able to think.

When you’re drunk and high it’s hard to distinguish between reality and fantasy. As if every minuscule problem that was once a burden to you suddenly dissipated.  And he was the one that was there when it happened.

I loved him when I was sober.

Love laced with confusion and an affinity towards companionship.  Loneliness had scratched its talons down my spine and I could not help but cling to light.  But his powerless apartments still allows those claws to make my blood run cold.  

ALM

[alaskalily]

Darling, I realized

Darling I realized the mistakes I have made.

The pain that I caused you in order to quench my addiction.

And the trust that I lost for another drink.

It's never worth it.

And now I feel my worth dwindling, reduced to the same level as the exchange.

And all I'm left with is massive regret thaat parallels the pain I've caused you.

ALM

[alaskalily]

I broke up with you so I could kill myself.

I didn't want anyone to care about me and I could slip out seamlessly.

But when I failed, two people showed more concern and affection than you did our entire relationship.

And the feeling shocked me.

Like I had been struck by the realization of how far from love our relationship had been.

[alaskalily]

Weighted Lungs

It feels heavy.

As if cement has been laced through my cells.

Weighing my chest until sitting up is a challenge.

And I go crashing to the floor.

ALM

[alaskalily]

Sent into a spiral.

A repetitive notion whirling it's way through my mind.

A hurricane of resolution.

I need to get off these fucking meds.

Driving me insane, wishing that the substance prescribed to me would take away the voices and faces.

Not create more.

And these faces are new, driven by my medically induced haze.

Not allowing me to sleep, when all I want to do is drift off in Eoghan's arms.

But these faces fuel anxiety attacks, ripping apart my lungs and forcing me to scream out,

Get me off these meds.

ALM

[alaskalily]

Limbo

I'm starting to feel like I shouldn't exist anymore.

And the feeling instilled within me is centered around you.

How you ignore me when you're mad at me and an isolating emotion emerges.

And all that time alone, confined by bars you built gives me too much time to think.

And overthink.

Until I can't figure out how to make either of us happy anymore.

I want to be with you more than anything, but it hurts so much.

And I know I'm a child and immature and selfish too.

But the reflection I see is only the result of actions from others, injected into my perception.

ALM