The seed of Fear

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[aleksa-lynch]

Help me please!

For the past year, I couldn't sleep at night. Almost a year I go to bed at dawn. With the arrival of the dark the fears come to life. They sit on my shoulders and strangles me. I try to close my eyes and get rid of them. I scream without opening my mouth. "Save me, somebody!" but no one, no one can hear the silent cry. Every night - a lone icy hell. It tells me that I am nothing. I lost everything. I've ruined everything. I'm an absolute mediocrity. I don't want this anymore..

[recentgooglesearches]

will i ever enjoy my life

[aleksa-lynch]

Everything as usual!

One man, whom I considered a friend, first said that he had not made friends with me at all, because I’m "ugly as a dick knows what." He tried to ignore that but it was impossible. I complained to another guy so he said, "yes, you're terrible and to be like a human you need a ton of plaster, broom of false eyelashes and hair to be so creative that no one will look at your face." The third said "I'm for the amateur," I have a huge nose and a nasty voice. Not mentioned just anonymous comments on the Internet such as "terrible as fuck" or "Marilyn Manson". I don’t have anything against Manson, he’s certainly cool but ... And those friends who communicate with me, in the opinion of the first guy, are henpecked. I do not know how friendship is related to the appearance, but it seems it's time to reflect.

[aleksa-lynch]

Hey, are you still there?

The days go by. I'm getting older. I'm not sure my life gets better. Not looks like that. There were good moments, but now I'm in depressing state. Education is killing me, so many problems at home. And I am the same terrible as i was.

[suicide-is-my-father]

I need a hug and 5 years of sleep

[aleksa-lynch]

Much has changed in the last six months. I have not.  There were good things, were bad. In my personal life was rather more good. My friends were not so lucky I think, and it realy bothers me. But I realy hope they will be fine. Summer is coming and it's bad time for depressoin. 

[aleksa-lynch]

This week.

Three words: Fat, Lonely, Broken. Yesterday I started ABC. I was so nervous, I thought I'd kill everybody talking to me that day. My internal hikki woke up and every time screamed "Why are you staring at me?! Don't look! I don't want to go with you! You're not even my friends! Get away from me!"  And then another thoughts. "Why are you eating so much?" My group mates in univercity eat every time after lecture, every free time they have. Disgusting. Stupid. Fat. I'm totaly broken. Nobody knows I stole 2 numbers of magazine about minerals from the little bookshop. Stones are more interesting than people. I'm hungry with information, I'm starving with communication, but all those people around me would never understand me, so I don't need them. I need to lose weight. This is the reason.

[aleksa-lynch]

Again?

What about my fat legs? They are still here. I had a very difficult period of life and there was no time to follow diets, starve and stay strong. I promised myself to start losing weight in September again... But off course "no" Only yesterday I took myself in arms and started my lovely ABC diet. Guess how long I'll follow it.

[aleksa-lynch]

Last year

I hadn't written for a long time, so I should tell you everything. The most important things from last year: I finished school and had a great "ending party". All summer was full of exams and nervous work with documents for university. It was difficult but guess what? I passed all this stuff and now I'm student in medical university. The best one in my city.

[aleksa-lynch]

Here I am again.

Long time had passed. Thre were no words to write, no time to write and no reason. But I love you tumblr so much, I’ve returned. And l’ll write about everything that happened.

[aleksa-lynch]

So… This is it. I cant take my pills because I have blood test next Monday. And without it I don’t fill enough strong to follow diet. My friend and me, we decided to start “27% weight”, but it’s the third day I secretly binge. I can’t tell her about it and it all is triggering on me.

[aleksa-lynch]

Good news.

So there are good news too. Today I bought fluoxetin (an antidepressant like Prozac). It causes loss of appetite, and as a result loss of weight. This is the first time I'm going to use these drugs, but they seem to be a must have in my position! I'm a bit scared to take them and I decided to wait a week, because next Tuesday, I have a blood test and it will be a big problem if the pills somehow influence the result. After that, I'll definitely try them.

[aleksa-lynch]

So it goes.

I never thought it would be like this. Perhaps too much to want, but I was hoping for some respect. And it actually is: In school, we are going to organize a big event - the rock festival. Our team was formed from the eleventh. We used to rehearse in the studio. But this time, I began to have doubts about whether I should come to a rehearsal. I'm just a backup vocalist, but even our "manager" seems more significant than me. I asked my best friend and she easily said that I can not to come. Chief organizer, which I consider as a good friend, said the same thing. Everybody give a shit about me! I only need to give money for rent studio, because the more people, the less one pays. That is all! 

[tjasna-deactivated20170123]

If you want to discuss politics, you should put some clothes on.

Wladimir Putin (via laceratedbylife)

[aleksa-lynch]

There are very few people that I can stay in the same room for more than 5 minutes without feeling like I was gutted.

[aleksa-lynch]

Did you write the "Butterflies" thing? It's written amazingly. Nice job if you wrote it

Oh thanks! It's nothing but my strange thoughts. Nice to know you like it)

[aleksa-lynch]

Butterflies.

I became so heavy again. I can clearly feel the force of gravity and it destroys me day by day.  I'm looking at them, they are so beautiful and weightless. How can I be like them? I don't have much time to approach them at least one step. I must to be very careful otherwise my dreams just would fly away.  Oh... it all seems so tragically and thoughtfully. I'm such a bitch.