Alexis sharda

Model | Makeup Enthusiasts | Writer | IG: @_itsalexissharda 💛

[alexissharda-blog]

Pretty For a Black Girl....

They Say you're pretty for a black girl,

like what’s that suppose to mean?

I’m skinny and too dark,

yet you still want to talk to me.

They say I'm dark skinned,

and that’s not their type,

but because I’m pretty

that makes being dark

skinned alright.

This reminds me of the reason

I disliked my skin in the first place,

“you're pretty for a black girl"

might be a compliment,

but one in the worse way.

I’m not offended

I very much take it

as a compliment,

does it bother you that

my skin is dark yet

I still have confidence?

My skin is golden,

you know sort of like the sun.

The elegance of my dark complexion,

like the color bronze.

Being dark does not make

me different,

but some how you see a difference.

Pretty for a black girl,

what is the meaning of that phrase?

It's suppose to describe

the tone of my skin,

yet by this phrase I am not amazed.

-Alexis Sharda

[actoberspoetry]

“writing this because it may be my last or maybe my first how does the universe work things that splatter the wall jump from it in reverse”

—

[poems-and-word]

[alexissharda-blog]

No Strings Attached...

I liked him.

Kinda like my favorite

pair of shoes that I

hardly ever wore.

He was like that one

star that stood out from

the rest of them.

Acknowledging the different in him,

yet there wasn’t really a

difference in him.

Mentally we didn’t connect

only good thing that came about

was the sex.

No deep conversation

He didn’t even know

how to intellect.

I remember saying “no strings attached”

and then I got attached.

I liked him.

He was sorta like sleep

on a tiring day.

He spoke intelligently

I was attracted to his language.

Later to find out I fucked

an intelligent fuckboy.

And even though I became

bad at showing emotion

he affected me.

I should’ve known not

to get attached.

But it seemed right

when he was sexing me.

Alexis Sharda.

[alexissharda-blog]

Bougie Looking...

I had this guy once

tell me I looked stuck up.

That was never the case

him just telling me

I’m beautiful while waisting

my time just wasn’t enough.

See men like you should

acknowledge my resting bitch face,

especially if it cracks a smile.

Men like you would persistently

try to get me, get me

but wouldn’t make it worth

my while.

That ain’t my style.

I never once had a man distinguish

my soul, personality, or self worth

as a women.

In fact I was told

I’m aggressive looking, and men

are intimidated by just seeing

me coming.

I was told I’m bougie

because my standards are high

and I carry myself

high class.

Well excuse me for having

self worth and wanting to be

worth something more than

just a pretty face,

and nice ass.

No excuse you for belittling

my self worth and feelings,

as if I should tilt

my crown to make you

feel less powerless as a man.

Excuse you for not being

manerful and approaching me

more respectfully.

Excuse you for calling me

bougie because of my looks.

Excuse you for being insecure

in thinking because the way

I look you wouldn’t have

a chance with me.

You’re excused for mistaking the

way I look, with who is

actually me...

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

Fathers Break Hearts Too...

As a father you were supposed to protect me from heartbreaks. As my father that was no longer your job since you were the first to break mines. You were supposed to teach me about the world and how fucked up it could make me. Instead after mom dicorced you, you divorced us and showed me the world ain’t half as bad since you fucked me up first. As a man you were supposed to warn me about men and how they could love me so passionately, and hurt me desperately at the same time. You were supposed to to help me identify my crown, you know tell me I am a queen and no one could ever take that away from me. It was up to you to teach me my value and self worth, yet im not sure if I was worthy enough to you.

My father and I go months without associating. I treat you like my second heartbreak and burry the feeling of your abstance so deep that it becomes numb. I learned to love myself before any man, since my father chose to love his new wife before me. The crown that I myself placed upon my head tilts every now and then. I taught myself to fix it with no help. Taught myself to fix the broken pieces of my broken heart, that I never broke in the first place. Most of all I taught myself the more I love myself the less admiration I needed from any man especially you father...

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

Save yourself...

She drowns herself

in her tears physically,

while her mind drowns

from her thoughts mentally.

She can’t escape it.

In the inside she’s gasping for air,

yet on the outside

her pain is invisible.

Every time she says

“nothing’s wrong” her tongue

raps itself around her words,

and chokes her desperately.

Look in my eyes

she tells her surroundings

without saying a word.

My eyes will never lie.

Through every smile she makes

her jaws clench painfully

and tells her to keep it up

even if it takes pretending.

Her thoughts tells her

I’ll find you a reason

to cry later.

Her spirit says pray

Alexis just pray.

Her thoughts then interrupts again

to say God doesn’t hear you.

She goes to say

watch my body language

does that not say something...

She feels as if

no one notices her enough

to remember her normal walk.

She gasps, uh, uh, uh.

After each breath she takes

she realizes she hasn’t ran

out of breaths.

Her heart finally says

sometimes you have to

save yourself.

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

She is I, I am Her...

She is hard to love.

She has this way of

being trapped in her

thoughts, and not

liking to express

herself anymore.

She wants to love,

and to be loved, but

this time around she

has a hard time

showing it.

She cries a lot for no

apparent reason.

She sometimes isolate

herself from the people

she surrounds herself with,

and the people that actually

wants to love her.

She comes off too strong,

or sometimes not strong enough.

Her thoughts gets the best

of her.

That seems to run people off.

She's not scared of love, just

the thought of being hurt

by it again.

She is broken.

She's still trying to find herself

from that brokenness, yet along

someone to help her cope

with it.

She isn't herself anymore

not that she's becoming someone

else, she has just lost herself.

A beautiful girl inside out,

yet she spent five of

her teenage years allowing

someone to destroy her.

She loves lightly now,

although her heart wants her

to love with everything in

her, her mind tells her

she can't.

She now feels that even

if she's imperfectly perfect

that's still not good enough,

not perfect enough, she

herself just isn't enough.

She fights her heart

with her brain, and in

that fight she becomes insane.

She's not the same.

Love made her change.

She is I, I am Her...

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

"She rolled up her struggles, lit her pain, inhaled her thoughts, and exhaled her worries. Now that is how a silent yet strong woman carry the bullshit of the world, and deal with its consequences."

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

"Know your worth, set standards for yourself, and add tax to that shit."

Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

I am a love of dysfunction,

from which dysfunction

is a love I am,

I am dysfunctional love.

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

Never give up...

I failed, and there was

no one to help me up.

I picked myself up,

dusted off my jeans

and told myself you're

worth another try.

I tried, then failed again.

And again I failed ,

and failed , and failed.

Get the pattern?

I kept trying yet kept

failing, but wouldn't

allow myself to give up.

Because love always

win. I love myself enough

to know I'm good enough,

and because of that I'll

always owe myself a second

chance at succeeding.

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

Alexis how loyal are you?

I loved him even when he couldn't love back correctly, because I saw shit in him he didn't see in himself and then he hurt me. And even after that hurt I loved him the same. My pain and love combined and made me appreciate them both more.

Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

He wasn’t good enough...

‪I accepted that you weren't‬

‪ a man yet. ‬

‪That you still had growing to do, ‬

‪and I was willing to grow with you. ‬

‪But that wasn't it. ‬

‪It was your loving skills.‬

‪You couldn't love correctly.‬

‪But that wasn't a problem ‬

‪ either, because no love‬

‪ is perfect.‬

‪So I was willing to teach‬

‪ you the loving technique ‬

‪ that you lacked.‬

‪I was willing to take your‬

‪ imperfection along with my‬

‪ imperfection and make‬

‪ a perfect match to the flame‬

‪ we had created.‬

‪Then again that wasn't it either.‬

‪It was your commitment that‬

‪ got me. ‬

‪You weren't able to commit‬

‪ completely.‬

‪See I was willing to form‬

‪ with you.‬

‪To put my pride aside in‬

‪ understanding no man‬

‪ is perfect.‬

‪That you were you, and‬

‪ you still needed time to grow‬

‪ into the man I knew you were. ‬

‪I didn't let what people thought‬

‪ of you take the love I had‬

‪ for you away.‬

‪Because in a way I knew ‬

‪ there was more to you.‬

‪See they were on the outside ‬

‪ looking in, but I knew you‬

‪ up close and personal.‬

‪I looked past your flaws,‬

‪ And pointed out the beauty‬

‪ in which there was potential.‬

‪You showed your flaws more than‬

‪ you allowed your heart to show.‬

‪But you know I still recognized ‬

‪ the good in you, even‬

‪ after all that came from ‬

‪ you was bullshit.‬

-Alexis Sharda‬

[alexissharda-blog]

Numb...

I sat in my dark space LITERALLY.

Lights off music up,

and a roaming mind.

Not crying, not hurting,

just to feel nothing.

To feel nothing is crazy,

because I’m the girl that

feels everything.

I wanted to vent.

I wanted to scream.

Even wanted to escape,

but that was as close to

escaping as I could get.

A dark room where all of

my feelings, all of my

tears, all of my pain

had become an opening

to the walls and my pillow.

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

Depression part TWO...

At this point in life

I don’t smile frequently.

Feel as if there’s no

reason to.

With life and it’s weight

feel as though I’m

under pressure.

Nobody in my corner

to tell me everything’s alright.

And with depression taking

over, feel as if there’s

no reason to put up a fight.

It’s life.

My generation losing hope,

as well as me.

Trapped in my brain, and

there is no escaping it.

Depression is like getting

hit by a car, but feeling nothing.

Kinda like drowning, yet

my heart never stops.

Like the world is moving,

yet I stand still.

Depression is like staring myself

face to face in the mirror

while watching my tears fall.

Like asking for help, but

there’s no one to call at all

depression....

-Alexis Sharda

[alexissharda-blog]

Depression...

Depression became a pool that I began to drown myself in. Life became the pool, and my tears are what filled it. My thoughts started to take over me, and suddenly I wasn’t the same. My room became my paper, and the walls are what held my vent sessions. My pillow became my best friend, and my covers became the arms that held me on bad days. My bed became my comfort, and music became my escape.

My moods started going in and out. One minute I’d be happy, then the next I’d be sad or angry, or even felt lonely in a room filled with others. I became an over-thinker. I’d ask questions like “you promise” or “are you sure” Like you promise to never hurt me, because you know I’ve been hurt before, or you sure you’ll never up and leave, because that’s just what people do. Depression took over my mind and changed me mentally. Now my my mind, and heart is at war....

-Alexis Sharda