When enough time passes without me being able to create something I start feeling empty.
It's not the same guilt that ravages me if I take a few days off when I can draw, it's more of an apathetic feeling, like my chest got unraveled and my heart went missing.
The sky starts feeling opressing. It's never clear these days, it's always the light polluted clouds, emitting a shade of rusty orange.
I still try to make something, but I'm not that good with pencil. But even if I had my instruments, I feel like it wouldn't have mattered. If all you do is scream into the void you're as good as insane.
I want people to care for what I have to offer, but the experience shows that they really don't, that I have to 'bait' them into giving my art a chance, and that they won't even stick around for something truly mine. I've heard advice to 'not care and make stuff regardless', but that doesn't help with the feeling. I will never abandon art, but the feeling that I'm abandoned by the world doesn't go anywhere.
I want to be fair and I understand that this is bad, but I am starting to envy other artists. They have similar skill, they create similar topics, yet people are actually interested in what they make. The fact that I am failing to see what's the difference makes me only more desperate, and the idea that 'it's all up to chance' doesn't help anymore.
I am quite a mess. But, what can you do. It's not like there are better alternatives other than keep on going, even if you are headed straight into the abyss.
it's easier to speak selfishly when I know for a fact that I am crying into the great nothingness of the net, a letter with no address, a package with no number.
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