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I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired

newtgeiszler

jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him

wombatking

So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:

John Mulaney - early 20th century

Eric Andre - Probably 17th century or so.

Taika Waititi - Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare

Keanu Reeves - We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.

Jeff Goldblum - 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.

Tommy Wiseau - Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.

strangehorse

this is david lynch erasure

hubblegleeflower

Who are the female immortals?

artisanbloodbank

Jenny Slate - Jazz Age Darling, bffs with Alice Roosevelt

Helena Bonham Carter - Refused an invitation to dine with Queen Victoria based on her treatment of the Irish

Lucy Liu - ran away from home to join Ching Shih, 19th century Pirate Queen’s crew. Was considered too soft for fighting and was given an accordion

Bjork - 14th century Icelandic healer accused of witchcraft, also possibly a selkie

Whoopie Goldberg - present during the Conquest of Constantinople but don’t bring it up around her, it’s too fresh in her mind

Tilda Swinton - found sleeping in a peat bog. Carbon dating inconclusive

ariassong

This is Florence Welch erasure

hotcommunist-deactivated2019032

Florence Welch is from the romantic era but she doesn’t remember any historical events because she’s spent the past few centuries floating down rivers like ophelia, only alive and singing about girls with suspicious levels of longing for someone “straight”.