My Thoughts This Father's Day
My heavenly father has blessed me tremendously and for that, the only gift that I could possibly give Him would be the life that He gave me. . .
I know everything He does is for a reason, all of it works in accordance with His will. However, I am still a human, I am still an emotional female, and I can't help but to get emotional every Father's Day reading my timeline, hearing about the wonderful earthly father's in existence, and then thinking about my own. What is he thinking this Father's Day? Is he lonely that he's not getting a phone call or a card? Is it bad that a part of me hopes so?
I always think that it will get easier each year, but it doesn't. I'm usually fine all the other 364 days of the year, but when Father's Day comes around it's a 24hour constant reminder of the void I have in my life. My mother is absolutely AMAZING and did a tremendous job raising my siblings and I. To say that she was successful would be an understatement. But I sometimes can't help but to think of how we would be if she had a good, strong, God-fearing man by her side helping her out. How different I would be, what my thought processes would be like. . . it's just a lot that I wonder.
I also wonder how in the world could a human being knowingly not come to see their kids? The curiosity has to be eating away at him. I just bothers me . . . I used to wonder what was wrong with me when I was a child, but I quickly realized that it wasn't ME that was the problem.
I need to start praying for him more, praying for the Lord to show him mercy. But most of all I need to pray for myself in this situation. I need to pray for healing from these wounds. But I also realize that when I say that I forgive him, I need to believe it with my whole heart. . . the problem is that I can never fully do so. It's frustrating, it's enraging, it's a number of emotions rolled into one. I am soooooooooo grateful for the Lord and what He has done for me, but there is still that longing for that physical being, the hugs you're supposed to get when you're crying, the advice you're supposed to get when you meet a guy you like. . . it's just so much that I wish I had and now will never get.
It's really hard to explain all of this without sounding like an annoying, whining, bitter female. I guess you have to be the victim of a single parent home, raised solely by your mother to understand. . .
I'm here in Costs Rica and it's Father's Day here also. My host dad is great, but even still when I see how he interacts with his family it just reminds me of what I don't have. So now I'm here, typing, droplets of tears falling on my keyboard in the privacy of "my room" feeling that hole in my heart ache. The same hole that's been there for 20 years. . . I know one day I'll fully forgive him. But for now, something's stopping me from doing so. Until that "something" is unearthed, these feelings will remain.
Now the only thing I can do is make sure that I marry who God wants me to marry, one day when he blesses me with a child, my husband and I can shower them with the love that they're supposed to get: from BOTH parents.
Like I said earlier, the Lord is my Father and He has proved that despite what I might think at times, He is ALLLLLL I needed and will ever need. I love you Lord, and Happy Father's Day.
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