Overthinking is slowly killing me

She/her | 24 | Lesbian | Writer, guitar player, gamer, whatever suits me at the moment | Someday I'm just gonna shut off | Hit me up with questions and requests

[aliixen]

Nowadays

F*** love.

Another one, another failed attempt.

Give all of yourself to somebody,

The only thing you get back,

Is this numb feeling.

After you cried day after day,

And there was, as always,

Nobody there for you.

"I don't know how to help you".

That were the words you heard.

Nothing more, nothing less.

And then suddenly you realize,

You wonder, alone in the night,

Did they ever care? At all?

Of course not.

You were the warm body to feel nice during the night,

You were a person that is there for somebody, always,

You were like a rock, but soft, caring, not uncomfortable,

You didn't argue, you were welcoming, you didn't judge,

You were just this nice person, giving your all,

Your body, soul and heart to another.

Only for them to crush it all.

So you know what? You distanced yourself.

But it's different this time.

You loved them truly and yet right now,

You feel empty. Like it didn't even happen.

The memories, the love, the happiness.

It's all so distant.

You realize you're broken.

You have been brought to your limit.

Somebody wants to love you? Let them.

Somebody wants to be there for you? Let them.

Somebody thinks you're amazing? Let them.

Because you are. And nobody deserves you.

So let them love you but do not ever,

Fall in love again.

Be this strong woman,

Amazing, ambitious, funny, loveable,

One of a kind, that steals hearts, but keeps her own closed

Unable to feel, to love.

Trust me, it's gonna be a lot better,

Being alone and being an asshole,

Than letting another person in and giving them a chance,

To shatter you again.

Love yourself. Respect yourself.

You're amazing. So f*** them all.

Because they all lose this one person,

That loved them truly and forever, unconditionally,

Just like in the fairytales.

And it's not easy to find that kind of love.

So love yourself with this kind of love,

And one again.

F*** them.

[aliixen]

My Love

Thank you for loving me,

Even If it was for a little while,

There were moments when you,

Made me the happiest person,

On this whole broken world.

Now I know you don't love me,

not like you used to,

and that if you found somebody,

that makes you feel understood,

and just as special as you make me feel,

I would have to go away.

And I will.

I have already started the process,

Of distancing myself from you,

I don't know how to talk to you anymore,

Don't know what I should do,

Sometimes I wonder If you even,

Want me in your life anymore.

You don't talk to me,

You don't wanna see me,

You make me feel like I can come to you,

Only because I want to,

Not because you want me to,

And it's destroying me.

I am a person that need only one thing.

To know that you love me and want me.

I don't need things, suprises, presents,

Only assurance and a little bit of love.

But now I lost even that.

My hands are shaking more,

I'm crying myself to sleep,

And my heart feels like it's being,

Held by this invisible hand that,

Squeezes it way too hard sometimes.

While I'm with you I turn into a total goofball,

Not because I'm like that,

It's to mute my feelings,

Give you space and maybe,

Make you smile a little,

Because I can't bring you comfort anymore.

That night I was going away after new years,

I was already tired of pretending,

Hence my sitting calmly,

And walking around just doing random things,

So I can hold out a little longer,

Before completely shutting off.

I'm sorry.

I know I'm not what you need,

And that I'm just a temporary fix,

I know you're losing your love for me,

Everyday I'm waiting for the end,

That I'm sure will come.

I just wish it didn't,

Because I really love you.

But once again, that,

Is just not enough.

My whole heart, once again,

Doesn't mean that much.

It really is a wrong generation,

For good people to fall in love,

Because there really is,

No happy end for us, is there?

We always do our best,

We are supportive, good,

Loving, passionate, absolutely

Enamored with our person.

We try to always be there for them,

And to be the best for them,

Even if our heart is breaking,

And there is a cry for help inside us.

We don't judge, we don't blame,

We just back away slowly and wish,

That this person finda their happiness.

But oh how much it hurts,

How much are we losing ourselves,

In the process of doin that again and again,

Just for different people that,

enter our lives only to leave.

I'm sorry that once again,

I'm not enough.

I really wanted to be.

[aliixen]

Lost

Yesterday you told me you're thinking about leaving,

Going far away to start a new life.

You would be happier, you'd finally have a chance.

That makes me happy, that's what I want for you,

To be happy and healthy, to have everything you want.

That's what I told you.

But in reality.

Yesterday I started crying.

And I can't stop.

The thought of you leaving,

Of not having you in my life,

Killed me.

I've given up on the idea of happiness now.

If you want to change that, go ahead.

But you won't be able to anymore.

I'm tired.

I'm sick of overthinking.

I'm sick of not being heard.

I'm sick of waiting for somebody to pick up the pieces of me,

Only to do it by myself after healing them.

I want to be strong,

I want to be this forever smiling idiot,

That will do the weirdest thing only to make others laugh.

I can't do it anymore.

Pretending to be okay,

Has gotten too hard.

I lost the battle,

I lost my spirit,

I lost my strength,

And I will lose my happiness,

Along with my heart,

When you leave,

Because you're the reason they're still there, somehow present.

Please God, if you exist, don't make me go through this. Help them stay. I can't anymore

[aliixen]

Not enough.

What do we do?

What do we do when we're so scared?

When we're so unsure?

We know that love is mutual.

They care about us.

They need us.

They feel good with us.

They can be themselves with us.

So why do we feel so unsure?

We're good.

We can make them happy.

We do our best.

And still, sometimes,

We feel like we're not enough.

Like we can be replaced just like that.

A little bit of time without them answering,

While they're with somebody else,

And we're already on edge,

We feel threatened.

But we're so good,

And we want what's best for them.

We do everything for them.

Even without them knowing,

Everything we do is for them,

So they can be happy,

So they can smile and have what they deserve.

So why?

Why do we feel like we're so replaceable?

Like anybody can give more than we give?

I don't wanna feel like that.

I know my worth.

I know how much my love means.

So why does everybody's else love,

Seems like it's so easily,

Gonna overcome mine?

Why do I feel that it's really hard,

Being with me?

Like nobody can really love me,

Because it would be easier to love

Somebody else.

How can I overcome this fear?

How can I breathe easily?

Without my heart beating so hard and fast.

How?

[aliixen]

I love her.

There's nothing more to say.

I love her.

She can take my name,

She can share my space,

She can match my craziness,

She can make me hot,

She can make me cold,

She can do whatever she wants with me,

And I would give her everything willingly.

She is my sun when it shines,

She is my moon when it lights the ways,

Or when it's dark and I need hope,

She is all I see and need.

Never worry about yourself losing me.

I'll be with you for how long you need me.

And if the world will be so kind,

I'll be with you forever.

[aliixen]

Small Things

After a while I saw you,

And then I kissed your forehead,

Hugged you tight,

Suddenly making all the pieces,

That my world turned into,

Fit together perfectly.

And then it was time to leave again,

We hugged tight once more,

This time saying our goodbyes,

While my heart like always,

Hammered in my chest,

Wanting to stay with you forever.

I sometimes wonder if you hear it,

How it beats harder when I have to go,

How it sings to you,

Wanting to give you all it's love,

Even if it would get nothing in return.

It wants to stay to bring you peace,

To protect you and care for you,

So that your days slowly become,

A little bit better.

So next time,

Let's fit the pieces that the world turned into,

Together.

[aliixen]

You

I found you when I wasn't looking.

It was simply the best day of my life.

You made me smile.

You made me feel.

You made me care again.

All of that during the texting phase.

And then I fell completely.

Every inch of my body craved you.

My heart, my body, my soul.

You became the center of my world.

Perfection.

Utter and utmost perfection.

That's what I saw in you.

In your kind heart.

Your beauty.

Your intelligence and strength.

And especially in your scars.

They're the most beautiful thing about you.

They made you into the person I fell in love with.

I fell in love with this stubborn, sometimes infuriating, funny as hell, but most of all, lovely and exceptional girl, that has worked hard since she was a child and is still working. She sacrifices herself for the sake of others, even if they might not be worth it. Her smile is the best thing I have ever seen, her eyes pull me in everytime and I get lost in them. She is spontaneous and a little bit crazy at times, acting like the sweetest child on the whole earth. She is everything anyone could ever dream of.

Exceptional.

I'm not perfect.

I overthink and see things that are not there.

I look for signs that something is off.

I'm hardwired to think that it's gonna end.

To think that I'll lose her.

That her love for me is gonna end.

But I love her and I trust her.

If it ever ends, I'll be forever grateful.

She makes me feel special.

She is the first person to make me feel loved.

Desired.

Understood.

She brings me true happiness.

If you ever read this, I want you to know.

I don't have control over the negative thoughts that keep piling up in my mind.

But they all come from me.

None of them are your fault.

Meeting you is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

I need not more, only you.

For you to exist in my life.

You blessed this world with your presence.

It became better when you appeared.

I want forever with you.

I want to put a ring on your finger.

Help you become happier and achieve your dreams.

Celebrate everything with you.

Cry with you.

You're my other half, one that I was waiting for for so long.

The day we met I gave you my heart.

And I'm not taking it back, it's yours now.

I love you, forever.

[aliixen]

Communication

Some say communication is the basis when it comes to love.

There are times when all you're saying is truth and only truth. You talk about your feelings, worries, fears, about what you ate today, what you did and are planning to do. Just a small talk about your day and what hides inside your mind and heart. That's communication, right? Once it's there, everything should be alright, you should be able to overcome every problem and obstacle.

It isn't that easy.

Because what most people lack is not communication. It's comprehension. So what if you talk about what you're doing, how you're feeling, what makes you happy and sad. Yeah, you communicted, but was it understood? Was it taken into consideration, thought through by the person you're talking to? Do they even care? Or are they just giving back short answers, making you feel like you're talking to yourself? Because that's not how it should look.

But it's easy to make it better.

So, to everyone in a relationship, please, not only listen to your partner, but also try to understand them. Try to think about what they're feeling, what's going on in their life, how is their day. Only then you can really be happy and make it last. Nothing about love is easy, but this kind of litte things might just save somebody from feeling like they don't matter.

[titsay]

[aliixen]

I felt that

[aliixen]

Something's different

You shut me out. At some point, you set up walls around yourself and pushed me away in one swift motion, leaving me to wonder and worry. Our relationship that was so perfect, full of feelings, truths, confiding in each other turned into a one sided thing. At first you said you liked when I wrote long messages, where I was all positive, loving and tried my best to make you feel better. Now, whenever I write them, you get angry, tell me to stop because you don't want to hear it. You say it's best if I don't think, don't do anything.

There are no more calls. No more "I can't sleep, can you read to me?". There is no more desire and passion, gone is the feeling that I'm wanted. Something that I felt for the first time when I met you. Now every week I wonder if I should even ask about seeing each other, not sure if you want to. I don't know if I'm allowed to flirt, to say how much I love you, and what's worst, I'm scared to do it, because I know I will receive a response with as little feeling as possible, it will be said just to respond, nothing more. And it all changed so suddenly, like somebody flipped a switch. Why?

But that's not the worst thing. The worst thing is that I know I can't be angry. I know I can't be hurt and that I'm lucky to even have you in my life, I'm so happy that you chose me and are still choosing me. But I can't help it. Please don't do everything alone. I'm here. I want to be here, no matter what happens, if everything goes to hell, I will be here, it won't change. I'll still love, only harder, because if you decide to let me in and be your rock, your partner, than I'll be so proud of you. It takes a lot of courage to trust somebody with your feelings and problems, but I really want to know about them. Only then I can really be for you and we can do something about them.

If you shut even me out like that, what's left? Am I supposed to just stand back and look calmly while I see you getting destroyed. It hurts me too, baby. I want you to be happy, if you ain't by yourself, then let me make you. Please...

[aliixen]

Word for today: nevermind.

It doesn't matter anymore (my feelings).

It doesn't matter that I love you.

Never mind that I worry.

Never mind that I feel.

It doesn't matter that I'm in pain.

It doesn't matter that I think.

Never mind that I need.

It doesn't matter that I'm trying.

Never mind what's in my heart.

Never mind what I want.

Never mind what I desire.

Never mind, never mind, never mind.

Fix me.

Help me.

Tell me it will be okay.

Love me.

Show me.

Make an effort.

Comfort me.

Understand me.

I matter too.

I also feel something.

I'm suffering too.

But I fucking try to grit my teeth and move forward.

I try to smile for you.

I try to make you laugh with my stupidity.

I try to be for you.

I try to live for you.

Have you seen me cry?

Have you seen me give up?

Have you seen me suffer?

No. Because it is not your problem.

It is never your problem….

What I feel doesn't matter.

What I want doesn't matter.

It should concern you.

It should matter to you.

If I'm hurt.

If I feel.

If I'm hurting.

But it doesn't.

It never does.

So it's me.

It's me that...nevermind.

[aliixen]

Thoughts

I just need you to tell me that I'm the sexy one. Instead, you say that a random boy is sexy, a random girl is pretty. I wanna be your pretty and sexy. I want you to show me that I'm desirable for you. Come close to me in random moments and just touch me like you can't keep your hands for yourself. If we're laying together in bed and watching something on the phone or playing games, scoot closer to me, lay your body on mine like you want to have some physical contact with me. I need to know you want my touch, my body, because even though those things don't matter as much as heart and soul, they're still important. If I could, I would have you in my arms 24/7, kiss you until my lips fall off, just to feel your closeness, the warmth you give, anything. Please show me you want me too.

[aliixen]

Thoughts

I just need a really long, really tight hug from you, so that my breathing finally becomes easier. Show me how much you love me, please

[aliixen]

Soft[Christa Lenz x Fem!Reader]

Okay so I’ve got some ideas in my head that I need to get out. This was one of them, I started writing them down because they just keep coming to me and I;m still on my attack on titan brainrot, so please bear with me. This is a short one shot where reader is part of the 104th Cadet Corps and Christa’s best friend. There are no amazing things here, just pure fluff so if any of you need some sweetness today, here you go. Enjoy!  ❤️

Note: Sorry for mistakes and bad writing, I’m still a novice and English isn’t my first language. I also have a problem with writing short snippets because I always end up making them longer and longer, adding new things so this is one of the first I managed to write and not turn into a story with chapters 😖

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- You should watch out for yourself dummy! You’re always making me worried! - Christa said as she cleaned another cut on your face, a result of your recklessness during training session - What if something happened to you and I wouldn’t be there?

- Relax Christa, it’s just a small cut! It will heal in no time so it’s not a big deal - you gave her your award winning smile to show her everything was alright but it quickly turned into a pout when she gently smacked your forehead with her small hand - Meanie.

- Oh don’t be like that you big baby. Besides, you always say that it’s just something! If you’d only watch out for yourself more… - you saw a glint of worry in her eyes and it made you feel guilty about your actions.

You often got hurt while you were training and Christa, your best friend, was always there to help you, knowing you had a knack for getting in trouble. Today was no exception and once again you found yourself sitting on Christa’s bed in the shared room, her soft hands treating your injuries as you gazed into her blue eyes. You were alone and it was hard to focus on anything else since for the past few months you grew to love your dearest friend, although you kept it to yourself, too afraid of losing her to even try and do something about it.

It was no wonder. Christa was a literal angel, both in looks and character and everybody knew it. That was why she was so popular with guys and girls alike, her good heart and sweet smiles always making them feel like they were being graced with the presence of a goddess. 

You were the lucky one that got the privilege of calling yourself her best friend but you were still far behind Ymir. Ymir. Every time the two of them interacted together you felt jealousy tug at your heart and even though you hid it well it was still bothering you greatly. There was no chance for you and Christa happening, yet the possessiveness inside you wanted her to be only yours, to the point that you stopped hanging out with her while Ymir was around. It just hurt too much. Maybe that was the reason for your recent rise in times you got injured. It meant being alone with Christa like right now and you would do anything to have more of those moments.

- What is it? You’re spacing out again Y/N. Are you sure you’re alright? - Christa’s worried voice reached you and when you focused on the present, you realised she was closer than before, so close that your noses were brushing. Christa stared into your E/C eyes, searching for something before she pressed her forehead against yours. You could have sworn your heart stopped for a second as a crimson red blush spread across your cheeks, her presence this close to you rendering you speechless - Hmm, you don’t have a fever...but your face is all red! Do you feel lightheaded? Or hot? I can bring you some water, you just have to wait a…

- No! Please don’t go! - you cut her off, unable to stop yourself from reaching out for her as she was about to turn to leave. Your arms wrapped around her middle and you pressed yourself into her stomach with your eyes closed, afraid that if you open them you will have to see her reaction to your sudden outburst. And you didn’t want that. You weren’t usually clingy but today was actually the first day in two weeks that you got to be alone with her. You didn’t want that to end so you just squeezed tighter, holding on so that you could get just a little bit more time with her.

- ...Y/N? Hey, it’s alright. I’m not going to leave, so open your eyes, please? For me? - her warmth and soothing voice calmed you enough to loosen your grip on her but not let go completely. Your heart jumped when you felt her pet your head gently, running her slender fingers through your hair and the gesture made you calm down. You breathed out and slowly tilted your head up to look at her, meeting her light blue eyes that emanated such kindness and warmth - So? Tell me what’s going on, please. I don’t like it when you’re bothered by something. Oh no. Did I do something wrong?

- No! No! It’s not your fault, it’s just that...No, I’m sorry, it’s stupid anyway - you hid your face from her once again but she was quicker than you and before you could successfully bury your head between your arm and her shirt she managed to grab you, squeeshing your cheeks playfully as she made you look up once again.

- Tell. Me. - Christa said in an authoritative tone that was accompanied by a pout and the combination made you smile slightly as you watched her tenderly. Even when she tried to be firm, she was still as cute as ever. If she was going to give you this face, how were you supposed to keep quiet?

- I just...I missed you. Being with you - you managed to get out, ignoring the lingering fear that gripped your heart - We don’t see each other as much as we did with all this training and stuff.

- What do you mean, silly, we see each other everyday! - she gave you the biggest smile she could muster to make you feel better and the butterflies in your stomach danced at the sight.

She was right of course, but that wasn’t what you were talking about and you wanted her not to worry about your weird behavior. Unfortunately, due to her sweet nature, you knew she would do everything in her power to get to the bottom of the problem and help you, so you had to tell her the real reason eventually. You detangled yourself from her form, feeling a sudden wave of courage and confidence wash over you before standing up and grabbing her face in your hands, the same way she did to you just a minute ago. You towered over her and watched as her expression formed into one of surprise.

- I know, but it’s not the same. I meant we don’t see each other like that anymore, just the two of us...I like that. Having you all to myself, I mean - her blue eyes widened at your admission and you couldn’t stop the blush spreading on your cheeks up to your ears, their tips red, betraying your emotions - I like being with you, you know...and I, umm...I mean, maybe I shouldn’t be saying this, but...oh my god, why am I stuttering….I….I’m sorry, I don’t…

Your embarrassing rambling was stopped when you felt Christa’s lips on yours, a state of shock paralyzing your senses that couldn't process what was going on. The softness and sweetness of her lips was all you could focus on and you couldn’t believe this was happening but for now you decided to not dwell on it and simply kiss her back as your heart fluttered in your chest. Your best friend, this beautiful, gentle angel was here in your arms and you couldn’t be happier. This was all you wanted. To your dismay, as soon as you started to move your lips against hers, Christa pulled back quickly and covered her mouth with her hand as her face became red in an instant.

- I’m so sorry Y/N! I don’t know what came over me, you just looked so cute when you rambled so I… - she started to explain herself but was interrupted with the sound of your chuckling. She stared at you for a few seconds before a pout appeared on her face and she stamped her foot on the ground, seemingly irritated - Geez, why are you laughing!

- I’m sorry, I’m sorry! - you managed to get yourself under control and gave her a cheeky smile. Taking a step forward you closed the distance between you two and ruffled her hair, too happy to worry about the possibility of making a mistake - I’m not mad or anything! I like you Christa, so I’m really happy right now.

- Wait, what….? You like...me? - her face became even redder as you leaned in, placing a gentle kiss on her nose and smiling gleefully. She averted her eyes, opting to look at the floor instead and you had to stop yourself from squealing at how cute she was - But I thought...I mean you weren’t hanging out with me as much as we did before and I got worried and then...I realized I like you too?

She almost whispered the last part and you had to focus on what she was saying to hear, but as you did, you felt an immense amount of happiness fill you before you grabbed Christa and lifted her in the air, turning around with her in your arms, her sweet laugh echoing through the room.

- Y/N! Put me down, we’re gonna fall! - she protested but her eyes were closed and she seemed just as happy, her hands squeezing your neck tightly in an attempt to hold herself up. As your head started spinning you thought it was time to stop your twirling before you really fall down, so you slowed down but still kept Christa in your arms, refusing to let her down just yet. She was now as high as you thanks to your hold and it was all so perfect that you couldn’t resist the urge to kiss her again. She squealed against your lips before relaxing in your embrace, her gentle hands tightening her grip on the back of your neck. Both of you smiled into the kiss, happy to finally be together like you were supposed to. You broke the kiss and leaned your forehead against hers, gazing deep into her blue eyes that you grew to love so much during those hard months of training. They were still the same as at the beginning, warm, kind and making you feel like this world might not be so bad after all.

- My sweet darling… - she blushed at your worlds and let go of you to hide her face behind her hands, the tenderness of your words making her heart beat twice as fast, in par with yours.

- Stupid! You’re making me blush, quit it! - you smiled and grinned at her, knowing that this would only be the beginning of your teasing now that you were together. She would learn that soon enough.

- Never, my dear. I like you too much.

- Oh, you. I like you too, dummy...

[aliixen]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Pairing: Yelena x Fem!Reader

Genre: Smut | A/U

Summary:  It was time for you to show Yelena that you meant business and she wasn't as much in control as she thought. Unfortunately, her request wasn't what you expected and now you found yourself in quite compromising position, your confidence still intact but your resolve crumbling with every second as she kept looking at you with rising intensity. Will you be able to hold your ground and prove to her that you are better or will she be the one to suprise you and make you lose it all?

Note:  Hello there, second chapter is here! Oh my god I loved writing this, damn, Yelena is just....ugh. She is my literall queen and she can take my soul, I would gladly give it up for her and thank her. I hope you'll enjoy this, I tried my best to do it well and it's only my second attempt at writing smut so I don't know if it's any good. I love you all and without further ado, come and get some <3

[aliixen]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Pairing: Yelena x Fem!Reader

Genre: Smut | A/U

Summary:  You were a dancer since you were a child. Your body craved to hear the music, move to the tunes and sway with the rythm, but most of your teachers were all just talk, their skills not even close to yours as you proved to them they weren't as good as they thought. You finally found someone worthwile but they left for vacation, leaving you and your group with a new teacher that had one hell of an attitude and got on your nerves from the moment you saw them. It was time someone put them in their place and you made it into your own personal mission, but you certainly weren't happy with the outcome. Or were you?

Note: This is the second fic that I wrote on Ao3 or anywhere really. I’m actually simping way too hard for Yelena and Hange from Aot and I can’t decide which one I want to write about, so they will probably get turns. This will be a two part fic because I just love dancing and I wanted to make a piece where Yelena is a dance teacher and reader is kind of a bratty kid. The smut will be in the second chapter. I’m still learning to write but I hope you’ll like it!